He may be bald and he may lack distinct eyebrows, but he stole our bachelorette’s heart. Alright, I’ll give JP more credit… he actually is a pretty good looking guy. And apparently his kisses are like heaven, so who can blame a girl? But I’ll admit, I do blame her a little for relentlessly stringing my boy Ben along. Reality show or no, that was just dirty. Did you hear his tearful camera confessional?! About how he lost part of his family and can’t wait for a new addition? Talk about rough.
Feelin' miiiighty smug
I could rant more about how Ben is the man of my dreams and how I would totally choose him if I were the bachelorette, despite his awkward hair/behavior at times…but then we wouldn’t get to the juicy parts of this recap. From a tatted up beezy sister to steamy final dates, this finale offers more than a little to discuss. Let’s begin, shall we?
JP’s family time
1) We are introduced to Ashley’s mom, dad, brother and sister. They are an interesting looking crew, to say the least. Ashley’s sister looks like a Tim Burton character/a hotter version of Amy Winehouse (too soon to make a reference? I felt iffy about it) and her brother appears to have no idea what this show is all about. He’s just here for a free vacation and a sweet new shell necklace.
2) Ashley sits down with the family and sis wastes no time in diving right into the heavy stuff. “Are you in love?” she asks Ashley. Ash replies with a timid yes. “I don’t believe you. You think you’re ready to be engaged? Yikes, I doubt that, sis. I really do. When I see these guys for myself I’ll be able to make the decision for you.”
3) JP joins the fam and they all sit down for a bite to eat. Mom immediately makes a toast and welcomes him into the family and she’s literally known him for five minutes. The camera pans across the faces around the table:
Ashley – laughing
JP – smiling at Ashley
Brother – playing with shell necklace
Mom – kicking back glass of wine #2
Stepdad – staring into space and smiling
Sister – death stare at JP / possibly muttering wiccan curses
4) Sister decides to break the light hearted mood because she’s had about enough of that. “So, JP, I know my mom just welcomed you into the family (rolls eyes) but I haven’t yet. So, why don’t you wipe that grin off your face and get ready to be shut down on national television. Ashley, does he make you laugh?”
Ash is so caught off guard by her sister’s abrasive demeanor that it takes her a few seconds to process the question. Sis takes that as a red flag and flashes a look at the family. “I uh…make myself laugh I guess…?” says Ash. JP gives her the death stare. “Wrong answer, love muffin. Try again,” he says.
….well that was uncomfortable.
5) Later, Mom and sis sit down with Ashley for a chat:
Sis: I don’t think he’s right for you. He doesn’t make you laugh, Ashley. Do you want an entire lifetime of no laughing?! That would be the worst. Plus he’s super ancient. You have too much energy for him; he would legitimately need a pacemaker after a year of being married to you.
Ashley: (Immediately bursts into tears) I thought you would like him! You don’t even know him, how could you say this?!
Sis: Listen trick, you get too wrapped up in your emotions. Look at me, Ashley. Look at me. Do you see this (gestures toward arms and body in general)?! Do you seriously want to defy me right now? My geisha tattoo will jump off of my arm and slice you with her flower patterned fan.
6) Ashley goes to cry it out and complain about how rude her sister is to her brother. He stares and mumbles a few things but he’s really just pissed that she’s cutting into his beach time. One rarely gets the opportunity to live it up in Fiji. Can’t blame him.
7) JP and sis sit down for a chat. True to her nature, she wastes no time in beginning the attack. “Listen PJ….oh, it’s JP? Whatever. I don’t see you two together. How old are you? Yeahhhh, too old. So just leave my sister alone, okay?”
JP’s face goes red. “But…there’s a lot to our relationship that you don’t realize,” he says.
"What part of 'you suck' and 'i hate you' are you not getting?"
“Alright, well I guess I’m not being frank enough,” says sis. ” You’re way old, okay? I’m wondering, why hasn’t this guy found anyone yet?! And I’m thinking to myself, what does this sicko creep want with my baby sister? Do you want to make her your sex slave? Do you want to take weird pictures of her and put them on the internet? Do you have some creepy fetish for young women? I don’t know, PJ, you tell me.”
JP tries to convince sis that he’s not a creeper but she’s not having it.
“Okay, let me shut you down some more, because you clearly aren’t getting it. I obviously need to insult you further to make you feel as worthless as possible. I may have only watched you for 15 minutes, but I saw no connection. I saw more of a connection with Brad, okay? Are you enjoying being sloppy second to that guy?! You disgust me.”
JP is exasperated, but he doesn’t give up: “So…would you be mad if I proposed to her?” Come on, JP. That goes without saying at this point.
8. After the great bachelor beat down of 2011, JP goes off to the beach to lick his wounds. Ashley joins him and admits that her sister’s opinion is very important to her. She makes him feel worse about the whole situation, and then he leaves.
9) Ashley sits down with her sister to figure out what she did to break JP’s spirit. The little engine that could, who triumphed in the boxing rings of Japan against all odds, is nowhere in sight.
Ash: You made him feel like a failure! He felt like there was nothing he could say to change your mind.
Sis: (face full of attitude) That’s cuz there wasn’t.
Ash: You are being such a B****! And I feel like I’m a freaking prisoner in Azkaban over here! I’m so alone right now and you are not being a good sister.
*Note: This show rips families apart.
10) Sister decides to go complain to mom. “She was completely in love with some fraud a few weeks ago! Mom, this girl is crazy and we both know it.” Alright, she makes a good point there. Ashley’s infatuation with he-who-must-not-be-named was both unhealthy and concerning.
ben’s family time
1) Ashley greets Ben and immediately warns him that her sister might shut him down like a stone cold beezy. He doesn’t seem too worried.
2) After chatting for a while, Ben and Ashley stand up and perform their “talking-to-the-dog” voices for the family. Sis is loving the entertainment, but I’m not. Ashley’s doggie voice makes my ears bleed.
3) Sis takes Ben aside to chat him up. The 50’s pin up girl on her shoulder gives him the old up and down. Approval on behalf of both sister and her tats, it seems. Apparently, Ben and sis are on a nickname basis. “Oh, Bennyboo!” says sis, “I can tell my sister likes you a lot.”
…who is this woman?! Is this the same queen of death that roasted JP alive and then ate his smile for dinner?
4) “Your sister and I are best friends,” Ben explains. “that’s why I’m in love with her. It’s perfect.”
5) Ben and Ashley take a walk along the beach after family time and Ben expresses his complete confidence in their relationship. They make out and she grabs his entire right butt cheek as he walks away. Down, girl.
Ben & Ashley’s final date
1) “On this date, we are gonna get down and dirty,” Ash says wickedly. Surprised she didn’t growl.
2) She leads him to a mud bath and they strip down to their swim wear and jump in. As seen on their previous date, these two enjoy rubbing each other’s bodies down, so we aren’t surprised in the least to see that they immediately begin rubbing mud in every nook and cranny of the other’s anatomy. At one point, Ash even lifts the tiny triangle of her swim suit to expose and rub mud on her little pectoral muscle. Inappropriate behavior, to say the least.
Ashley leading Ben on mercilessly.
3) Later, at the hotel, Ben tells Ashley that he asked her family’s permission to marry her and tells her that he loves her. She responds by pulling him on top of her and wrapping her legs around him for some hot and heavy kissing.
jp & Ashley’s Final date
1) Um…did Ashley’s boobs grow three cup sizes between now and yesterday? It seems as though Ashley busted out the push up bikini top for this date. We should have known right then and there that JP would win. Ash went through the trouble of pushing her pecs to new heights.
2) Ashley and JP begin a heated discussion:
JP: I think we are a perfect fit.
Ash: Uh…really? Because I don’t know what you mean. I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who likes to talk in demonic voices to their pets.
JP: Well, maybe I don’t do stupid things like that, but I’m right for you, trust me.
3) Ashley takes his word for it and they stroll down the beach. Naturally, they pause in the ankle high waves and make out. JP rips off her sarong.
4) Later, in the hotel room, JP pulls out a basket that holds a photo album he created of their memories together. He wrote a precious letter on the inside of the book and she reads it out loud. Well played, sir.
Final rose ceremony
1) Ashley wakes up for the big day, slips into a silk robe and journals for a bit. Then she goes for a walk along the beach and reflects over the decision she has made. “I just really hope the one I choose feels the same way about me,” her voice over says. Um, are you serious? Both of them confessed being in love with you mere hours ago. I honestly think sometimes this girl just says things to hear herself talk.
2) Ashley puts on what I believe is an unfortunate choice of gown for the big moment and heads out to stand on a platform in front of the ocean. She watches the planes circle over head and prepares for the proposals to come.
Suddenly, the brush near the platform ruffles, and a man’s foot emerges, followed by a well-toned leg. The camera pans up and there stands Bentley, liberated from his hiding spot. Just when we think things can’t get any crazier, he reaches behind him and pulls an adorable blonde girl from out of the bushes. “Marry me, Ashley, and be Cozy’s new mother,” he says.
Haha, jk. That didn’t happen. But what if it did? Biggest upset in Bachelorette history.
3) The first plane touches down and Ben emerges. A sexy-as-always Harrison escorts Ben down the long walk to his doom. He walks up to Ashley and her face has “I’m about to ruin your life” written all over it, but for some reason, he doesn’t detect it. She starts to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t speak. I have something to say: I’m obsessed and in love with you.” He gets down on a knee and proposes.
Ashley looks like she’s about to throw up. She says no. Ben walks away. “WAIT!” Ashley cries and runs after him. “I don’t want this to end on bad terms!” Ben is pissed. “Good things don’t end unless badly, stupid girl. JP’s a great guy hope you have a nice life together.” And then he’s outy like last year.
4) Ashley bounces back from that drama pretty quickly and gives JP’s plane a boisterous wave as it flies overhead.
5) JP has a perfect speech prepared. Part of it goes something like this: “You always say I smile all the time and that it will give me wrinkles when I’m older. But it’s because you make me smile.”
Am I the only one thinking that now would be a great time for JP to bust out an acapella rendition of “U Smile” by Justin Bieber? Your bad, JP.
6) Welp, Ben didn’t win, but the ring that JP picked out took my breath away. Who cares about the guy when the rock looks like that?!
after the final rose
I won’t go into too much detail about this, mostly because I’m exhausted after writing that recap, but I do have a few general comments/critiques/concerns to make:
1) It’s unfortunate that Ben chose to flat iron his hair and part it down the center for this event. So very unfortunate.
What's happening, Ben? I know you're heartbroken, but that's no reason to let yourself go.
2) While we’re on the subject of hair, I was also concerned about Ashley’s decision to dye hers purplish black.
3) Ben’s first comment to Ashley is: “Nice ring.” Yikes, bitter much?
4) The past few months since the end of the show haven’t changed Ashley a bit. She’s still saying ridiculous things. For example: “[toBen] Hopefully we’ll always have a friendship” Ash….that’s not how these things work.
5) The final rose show is interrupted by some ridiculous promo for a new show in which two brothers try to hide a briefcase from private investigators and are instructed by a cheap Tom Cruise impersonator. Thanks but no thanks, abc.
6) Big sis comes onstage and redeems her beezy self and even goes so far as to say “shame on me!” which is greeted by thunderous applause by the studio audience of housewives.
Ben for the next Bachelor? Ashley’s sister for the next Bachelorette? Please?
Until next season….or until Bachelor Pad (which is going to be awesome) if I decide to blog about it. Thanks for reading this season!
Totes in love...for the moment. Who else is taking bets on how long it will last??