Things get steamy

I have to admit I had some serious doubts in Ashley. She’s consistently acted so outrageously throughout the season that I was becoming unsure of her ability to pick a good man when she sees one. But, she has finally narrowed her suitors down to two and I must say, she’s done quite a fine job. I can’t think of any better two than Ben and JP, so, despite the fact that I’ve come close to tearing my clothing and ripping my hair out over her antics, I have to tip my hat to the bachelorette.

Monday’s episode took us to Fiji, which is the ultimate place to fall in love, according to Ashley. I wouldn’t put much stock in that sentence because she said the same thing about every village in Japan, but it does look pretty awesome. As Ashley settles in to her plush new digs, she takes some time to read a quick devotional and write in her journal. I imagine her journal entry says something along the lines of, “Father, I ask forgiveness in advance for the unspeakable things I plan to do to both Ben and JP in the fantasy suite.”

Just after she has shut her journal and moved on to brushing her hair, she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and her eyes go wide “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?”

Commercial Break.

Alright, I had no idea who this person could be. I knew for sure it couldn’t be Bentley, there’s no way Harrison would let that fool on the premises. My only guess was that Mickey (remember him? spiky hair, boring, waste of time?) had regretted his decision to leave and decided to come back for a second chance.

And we’re back. Rewind a few minutes back: A pair of feet are walking down a muddy path. The camera pans up and we see Ryan walking stoically alongside the Fiji wilderness. Wait, what?! Ryan? Ryan. Seriously.

“I feel that there are things unsaid and undiscovered between Ashley and I,” his voiceover says, “We gotta explore it. Maybe she has regretted letting me go…I’ve just got to see her and find out if she loves me.”

Well Ryan, Ashley may be an indecisive wreck, but of this I am certain: She’s never been more sure of a decision in her life. I’m pretty sure you aren’t even a real person. You eat sunshine and poop lollipops, okay? That’s not normal.

He walks up to Ashley’s door and knocks. “Ry!” she screams. “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, I called Harrison to ask if I could come here and he was all like, ‘Hell, I’m down for a good laugh, she’s in Fiji, go for it,’ so here I am! I don’t know if you regretted letting me go, but I want to spend more time with you.”

Oh, Ry. She hasn’t even thought of you for two seconds since you left. She’s been too busy enjoying JP’s magical kisses and stroking Ben’s amazing hair (Note: these are her thoughts, not mine. I’m opposed to Ben’s hair and its weird center part. But the rest of him is hot, so it’s alright.)

Ryan babbles on for half an hour about Lord knows what, probably something to do with water heaters and how he’s so glad he didn’t sign up for the military. After both Ashley and the rest of us think we’re going to pass out from boredom, he pulls out a crinkled piece of paper.

“I’m here for a couple of days so, if you want to spend time together, I’m here. You’ll see that there are a couple boxes on the paper, it’s just a quick survey. Check ‘yes’ if you like me and ‘no’ if you don’t. Thanks for your time.”

Alright, glad that’s over. Now let’s get down to the serious business: dates and fantasy suites.

Ben & ashley’s date

1) Ashley surprises Ben with a yacht. The two jump on and waste no time in exploring each other’s bodies. Ben lays down and Ashley straddles him. She rubs sunscreen all over his chest and neck.

Ashley, get down from there.

Ash: “Are you okay with this?”
Ben: “I’m more than okay with this. We are two steps away from creating an adult film, but I’m into it.”

If I hadn't seen the episode and just saw this picture...I would be concerned.

2) After they are good and lubed up with lotion, they jump into the water for a snorkeling session.

3) Next, they head to dinner and are both so happy that at first all they can do is stare at each other and smile. Kinda presh. Then Ben launches into a speech about how he’s obsessed with her. He admits that he’s fully committed to her, so she chucks the fantasy suite card at him.

4) They drop their forks, high tail it to the suite, strip down to their swim suits and do some foreplay in the infinity pool. Then Ben lifts her out of the water and carries her to the bedroom. This whole date is just way too steamy for my restless heart to handle. Whew.

constantine & ashley’s date

1) Ashley is wearing what appears to be a white handkerchief bunched around her non-existent boobs. Once again I will say: this woman doesn’t own a full shirt.

What is this outfit?!?

2) Ashley surprises Constantine with a helicopter ride. As the two soar through the air, the camera pans down to a lone figure standing on a beach. Give you one guess who that is.

Outrageous behavior

3) Constantine and Ashley enjoy a swim by a waterfall. They make out zero times and share no intimate moments. Then they sit down to a picnic and have a tense conversation. I kind of stop paying attention because there’s no spicy sensual action going on, but I think they might have gotten into a fight. Something about time, investments and houses. Not sure.

4) Later, at dinner, they toast over a glass of wine and Constantine comments that it is very “grapefruit-y” tasting. Then he admits that Ben taught him all about wine tasting. Man crush?

Ash: “Is it weird for you? Being friends with a guy that is dating me too?”

Const: “To be honest, I find Ben extremely attractive and I can’t blame you in the slightest for wanting to jump his bones. I question my own sexuality around the man. He’s suave, knows everything about wine and that hair….Actually, you know what? Go for Ben. I’m not into you at all.”

Constantine peaces out and, instead of taking advantage of the fantasy suite anyway and inviting Ben over for round two, she heads back to her own room and spends the night alone.

Ashley gives Constantine her stank face.

ashley pays ryan a visit

1) Ryan looks like he might pee pixie dust at the sight of Ashley on his doorstep. He invites her to stand on his balcony for a chat.

2) “Ry, you’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met in my life,” says Ash. “If I had a checklist for the perfect man, you fulfilled it. You are exactly what I want, but I don’t want you.” Way to go Ashley, that was only the most confusing way to break up with someone ever.

3) Ryan looks really sad to be rejected twice but he brought it upon himself, so we can’t pity him folks.

jp & ashley’s date

1) Once again, Ashley is wearing an abstract piece of cloth draped over her tiny frame instead of a regular shirt. She greets JP with a sensual make out session.

2) They hop on a plane and it takes them to Namanalalalala island, where JP tells Ashley that he’s ready for the end, when he can be the last one standing. Then they hug it out and he grabs her entire butt with one hand.

3) At dinner Ashley tries to make JP think Bentley came back because she’s a sick and twisted person, but then admits that it was only Ryan who showed up in Fiji. JP holds himself back from snorting in disgust.

4) She hands him the fantasy suite card and he says “Yeah. I’m into that.” I could make an inappropriate joke here, but I won’t. I’m a classy lady.

5) The couple waste no time with foreplay in the infinity pool, they head straight for the bed. Before you can say “Ryan’s a joke”, JP is on top of Ash and they are two seconds away from doing the dirty on national television. Pan away, camera, pan away! I am losing my innocence with every passing second!

rose ceremony

1) As usual, Ash and Harrison sit down for a chat. I’m grateful for this chance to feast my eyes on all of the man that is Harrison, but I’m instantly bored. Ashley repeats some of the typical stuff she says about love and rejection and then she is off to the rose ceremony.

2) She gives the boys some speech about being afraid they won’t accept her rose despite the fact that they both basically proclaimed their love for her and then took her to bed nights before. Spare us the drama, Ash.

3) Of course, they both accept. Note that she called Ben’s name first AND she stared at him the entire time she talked about her family coming to Fiji for the next episode. I’m just sayin.

I know I will meet lots of opposition when I say this, but I’ll say it anyway: BEN FOR THE WIN!

Next week: Ashley calls her sister a beezy and cries. Stay tuned.

-V

p.s. Naked?

#yikes

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