Category Archives: Fashion

Too Short for Comfort

My avid readers… Now that the Bachelorette is over, I suppose I’ll have to search the world around me for other topics to write on…that is until next season begins (fingers crossed for Break Dancin’ Mikey for the next bachelor!!). I’m sure my topics to come won’t be quite as spicy as bachelorette commentary, but I’m hoping that they will remain as wildly entertaining. Then again, things just don’t seem as entertaining without mango mango polish and green shorts. But I shall do my best.

Sadly, the topic of Ed’s skeet shorts aren’t far off the mark when it comes to the topic of this post. Brace yourselves.

Last Friday, I was out with my friends at Andy’s Frozen Custard. As we stood there, deliberating over what flavor to choose,  my eyes carelessly wandered over the crowd of people around us. There was your usual mix of Friday night Midwestern Americans…families…bikers in leather…college age kids…and high schoolers. My eyes lingered over a group of high schoolers that looked to be around 18 years of age.

As I gazed upon the high school girls within the group, I realized with horror that the days of coochie cutting shorts are not over. Far from it. I frantically glanced at every girl in the group, hoping for one shred of decency in any of their attire and yet, each girl wore a pair of white, booty hugging, barely-there shorts.

ALAS. What is fashion coming to?! I once thought of my town as progressive – and definitely trendy. I would still like to think this. But I’m beginning to doubt this as I observe the youth of today. High school girls are running around in denim underwear and calling them shorts! These girls hang on to the american eagle shorts that they sported in middle school for dear life, squeezing into them and sauntering around town. Only God knows how they are able to button those things up!  

And don’t even get me started on the sophie shorts that girls buy and roll until they barely cover the bottom of their butt cheeks. I remember this being the style in middle school, but let it go ladies! In middle school, you didn’t have a butt. And now you do, so cover it. Yes, girls. You have beautiful legs. And I believe that you should show them – I promise I do. But I would not like to see your butts. Leave a little mystery about yourselves. I tried to sneak a picture of these shorts to show you guys, but that could possibly be illegal, right? And…it’s super creepy to snap pics of a teenage girl’s bum.

As vomit began to rise in my throat at the sight of young women’s sad fashion sense, I had an epiphany. This is only the beginning. Those shorts are just going to keep getting shorter and shorter. And then:  THE LEOTARD. For those of you who have not read this post, refer to it: https://brookeandvanessa.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/leos-a-fashion-travesty/

Did I not already prophesy this coming?! The leotard is rising. As the shorts get shorter and shorter, the leotard lurks, awaiting its chance to return. RESIST, ladies! I’m begging you, resist. The day I log onto facebook and see “party pictures” with girls tearing up the dance floor, red cups in hand – wearing leotards – is the day I check out. I can’t take it. Don’t make me live through the agony.

Keep it classy. Wear shorts that fit your body. Here are a few examples of what to wear:

famous shorts

Look! Famous people do it! You can too!

 banana_white_shorts

Look at how sexy sexy! White shorts that don’t cut off the circulation to your lady parts. Just give it a try, I promise they look good and they make you feel even better!

 denim shorts

And looky here! You can still sport your denim. Maybe tights aren’t really your style, but focus on the shorts here, ladies. The fibers won’t fuse to your thighs if you give yourself a little leg room, like the women above have done.

obama-board-shorts

Sorry. Had to add that one in. Now those are some shorts. Helloooo Mr. President.

Do not. I repeat. DO NOT wear any shorts remotely similar to the following:

short shorts 

Aaaand that’s denim underwear. Not shorts. Not shorts at all. Don’t you dare do this. Sadly, this picture is dangerously similar to the shorts that I witnessed on Friday night. Stop this madness, people!

-V

p.s. Fellas…if I see you wearing these…God help me.

ed's shorts

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Leo’s: A Fashion Travesty

We’ve all seen Beyonce shakin it in her video for “Single Ladies”, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g) and if you haven’t, you’ve seen about a million spoofs of it. My main concern with that video is not Beyonce’s crazy dance moves or her diva attitude, I’m all over those. I take issue with her attire. The classic black leotard. Now, you may be thinking, That leo looked great on her! Her body was rockin’ and my eyes weren’t complainin’. And I couldn’t agree with you more. But there is something startling at hand here that requires a look beyond the talents and rockin body of Beyonce Knowles. Let’s take a closer look at the fashion travesty that is taking place with the current trend of leo-wearing that is spreading like an epidemic throughout popular culture.

As I observe the current trends of the fashion world, I can’t help but notice that leotards are adorning the bodies of some of music’s hottest stars of the moment. I will admit that those wearing them (excluding Beyonce) aren’t some of my fave performers. In fact, I don’t like them at all. But a couple of the hottest on the leo-wearing list are Lady Ga Ga and Katy Perry. After having made the astonishing realization that leos are taking pop culture by storm, I discussed this fashion statement with my mother. I wondered when exactly were leotards stolen from the ballet studio and accepted as attire for the dance floor or onstage?! When, Mother, When??!

According to my lovely mother, the youngin’s of her time wore leos regularly…under their jeans. But no more. In the year 2009, the leo has busted free from its denim prison and has made the scene in arrays of neon glory. I would now like to provide you with a few examples to help you better visualize the leotard trend on media’s most favorite stars:

lohanleotard02Here we have Lindsay Lohan sporting a brightly striped leotard that reminds us very much of the Jane Fonda aerobics days. Really Lindsay? Really. madonna_leotard_0630_300

Next, we observe Madonna, throwing a medieval corset looking spin on the leo. Oh my. To her credit: Madonna’s been rockin the leos for years. Ya’ll just took a while to catch up to her.

leotard_american apparel

Here we have what seems to be an American Aparrel ad for a couple of fashionable leos. You can happily log onto their website and order yourself one, I’m sure (http://www.americanapparelstore.com/). Question: When you buy one of these…where are you gonna wear it? I mean, you can’t just bust out a leo for any old occasion, say on a trip to Wal-Mart or to a graduation party. When is the leo an acceptable clothing item to wear? I need answers.conservative leo

Here is a more conservative version of the leo. Very retro looking. Why they chose to have the model’s bra showing, I have no idea. But hey, what do I know?! Those fashion photographers – They’ve got an eye for these kind of things. So I’ll trust their judgment.

body_leotard_4And this is what I like to call the Long Johns Leo. This look is especially great for Christmas parties, if you order them in this lovely red shade pictured. It would also greatly add to the look if you had no fat on your body. Whatsoever.

Throughout my research on Leotard Fashion, I have come upon a startling amount of Lady Ga Gapictures. I must say, she seems to prefer the leo to any other fashion. She wears em all the time. Her fashions range from geometric shapes to little red riding hood creations. I will now provide you with a series of photos illustrating the creative ways in which she wears the classic leo:

littleredwhiteLady Gagablack

I can’t lie, after seeing the leo on well-toned bodies, I can begin to appreciate some of them. I find myeslf becoming more open-minded to the trend and seeing it as more of a fashion statement – kind of an artistic expression. Then, I catch myself in this ridiculous train of thought when I realize that where the stars will go, the fans will follow. My friends, it is only a matter of time before the good people of our nation will believe that they too can sport the skin tight, wedgie inducing leo. And when that day comes, I will stand on the corners in protest of the travesty occuring. My sign shall read: “If you jiggle, into the leo you shall not wiggle.” And I do not take this threat lightly.

Here is an example of this trend slowly making its way into retail stores across our nation. Pictured below is my dear friend Rachel, who happened upon a jumpsuit that is dangerously close to the leo that we all know and fear. This bedazzled fashion horror is considered acceptable attire for a night out clubbing. It is only a matter of time until the golden studded shorts are cut underwear-style to make the complete transformation into leotard.

rachel

And that expression on my friend Emily‘s face behind her?? That will be the very expression on those of us still clinging to our sanity, who have not crossed over to the dark side of leotard-wearing fools. We will stare in surprised uneasy-ness as the women of our country parade around in ill-fitting, jaw-dropping, sequined-sparkling leos.

We’ve all witnessed the leggingsmake a come back. And now the leo shall rise up and take her place among the discarded attire of the past that is now the raging fashion trend. I warn you America: Be wise with your bodies. Just because Katy Perry wears it, does not mean you have to as well. It is hardly acceptable for any woman who doesn’t have a stick thin figure to wear this sort of thing out in the world, where she can be witnessed by scruitinizing eyes. And the margin of women who in fact are stick thin (quite microscopic a margin in ournation) should not even venture to try this fashion trend. It just aint decent. I’m trying to save you, women of America! If you absolutely must own one of these travesties, I beg of you – in the privacy of your own homes!

-V