Michelle is gone. Did anybody else hear the hallelujah chorus? I sure did. And I may have even cried a little – from sheer happiness, of course. It took Brad six weeks, but he finally came to his senses.
Before I dive into the recap, I’d like to first address the fact that I watched this episode with my parents. Yes, that means my father watched. Naturally, I’ll insert his commentary throughout this post (he didn’t realize that I was making note of everything he said throughout the show). I hope you enjoy reading a 50+ male perspective…I definitely enjoyed hearing it.
The episode begins with a relocation from Costa Rica to the beautiful island of Anguilla. We join in on the fun as the girls boat around in the tropical waters. They jump out of the boat and run up to their villa, which looks like something out of a dream. For some reason, the girls are trotting everywhere they go – they sprint from room to room, jog out to the pool and practically turn cartwheels in the yard. I am amazed that Chantal’s sun dress is able to stay up; those ta-ta’s don’t look tamed.
Our beloved host Harrison strolls up out of nowhere, as he tends to do, and announces that there will be four dates this week. He hands off the first date card and disappears into the blue horizon.
The first date card reads: “Three things I would bring to a deserted island: Picnic lunch; champagne; Emily.”
None of the girls can get pissed about this because they are all in agreement that if they were on a deserted island, they would probably want Emily there too. She’s freaking hot.
Brad & Emily’s Date
1) Brad to the camera: “I’m nervous because I don’t believe that I deserve to be with this woman.” No argument there.
2) Brad and Emily hop onto a helicopter, which transports them to their own private island, appropriately named the “sandy island”.
3) They take a seat on a blanket and things get really quiet.
Emily: “What are you thinking?”
Brad: “It’s just a really, really good view.”
Me: “Wowwww….great conversation.”
4) Brad finally breaks the silence. He musters up all of his gumption and attempts to tell Emily that he’s in love with her without saying that he’s in love with her. What he says ends up making no sense at all, but Emily puts him out of his misery and kisses him.
Meanwhile, back at the villa….
Shawntel receives the next date card: “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla.”
Back at the date….
5) Brad and Emily sit down for dinner.
Dad: “This guy has a really big, red, shiny nose, doesn’t he.”
Brad clears his throat, “After this week, I meet families, which is huge….and….I reeeeeally want to know if you would allow me to meet Ricky. OOOOOO, deep sigh. Deep sigh. I caught that.”
Dad: (grimaces in disgust) “This guy is so dumb.”
(Mom chimes in): “Don’t let him meet your kid, girl!!!”
6) Emily says in so many words that she can’t think of anything that she would hate more than for Brad to meet her daughter. At this, Brad decides to live up to the image that his hardcore gothic tattoo suggests, and break some rules. He tells her that she is for sure getting a rose, and that means that he is forcing her to let him meet her daughter.
Brad mean mugs the camera and says, “I don’t care about the rules. I care about Emily. I’ll do whatever it takes to meet the spawn of the man whose image I can never live up to.” Good luck, bud.
Shawntel & Brad’s Date
1) Last time, Shawntel got to go shopping. This time, Shawntel gets to go on a bike ride. Despite this being a considerably worse date, Shawntel still has a zippy disposition.
2) They arrive at a farmer’s market, where locals are playing music and feeding each other drinks out of massive melons. The locals humor the American couple and allow them to jump rope and pretend to be as care-free and fun-loving as the next Caribbean person.
3) Auntie B, the real-life version of Mama Odie from Disney’s The Princess & The Frog [see photo below], gives the couple some advice: “Just hold hands and maybe kiss sometimes. You look like a nice couple.”
…Okay, so maybe she’s not as profound as the wise Mama Odie. And she definitely didn’t appear to have a pot of magic gumbo or an inappropriately friendly snake. But the resemblance is striking.
As Odie once said: You gotta dig a little deeper...to find out who you are.
4) Brad and Shawntel leave their market adventures to have dinner. She tells him that she’s in love with him and it starts to rain. Brad announces that making out in the rain is “so hot”. Suddenly, a crowd of random people start to silently surround them. This seems weird and slightly terrifying.
5) A scrawny dreaded old guy walks up and starts to sing. Shawntel’s face looks as puzzled as I feel. Who dat?
6) Brad squeals. “I’ve got a surprise for Shawntel. The most famous singer in Anguilla is here!” Well that explains it. He’s famous in Anguilla…meaning that he’s not famous.
Meanwhile, back at the villa…
The next date card goes to Britt: “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.”
Michelle to the camera: “Britt and Brad are apparently setting sail on the sea of love, but there’s a good chance that their ship will go down. Because I’m going to stow away in bottom of it and drill a hole. And then they’ll drown. If I can’t have him, nobody can.” I’m scared.
Brad & Britt’s Date
1) Brad takes Britt to a yacht. They swim out to it.
(Mom chimes in: “They couldn’t get a raft to take them out there? Oh no, I would not be swimmin’ that far.”) *sigh* We’re so much alike.
2) Michelle‘s voiceover: “Truly? You’re going to use that yacht for Britt?! Seems like a waste of a one-on-one to me.”
(Mom chimes in: “That girl is a hater….What’s a one-on-one?”)
3) The couple go cliff jumping. My first thought: Twilight. My second thought: This is scary. Apparently, Britt thought so too, as it took her at least 30 minutes to muster up the gumption to jump.
Meanwhile, back at the villa….
The next date card announces a group date. The recipients are: Ashley the dentist, Chantal, and Michelle: “This is the dawn of a new love.”
Michelle: “I reaaaaally don’t want to be going on a date with you guys.”
Chantal looks like she’s holding herself back from murder.
Back at the date….
4) The couple have dinner on the yacht and conversation is at zero. “Today couldn’t have been better,” Britt says. Brad looks like he might throw up. “Aaaactually, I don’t like you that much. When we were in a romantic spot earlier, I didn’t have the urge to jump your bones whatsoever. That’s a bad sign. It could be because you don’t have breast implants like the other girls *cough* Michelle, but it could also be because I don’t see a future with you.”
5) Brad continues, “I was crucified (Really, Brad.) the last time I was on this show for leading girls on, so I’m not going to do that this time. You need to leave the yacht, immediately. Please watch your step. Yeah, uhhh, this way.” he says as he pushes her toward the waiting rejection boat.
6) Britt walks back to the house and Michelle gives her a long hug and whimpers “What happened? Oh no!” while cackling over Britt’s shoulder. The girls try to hide their joy while watching her blubber and stuff her clothes into a bag.
1) Brad goes to wake the girls up at 2 a.m. Booty call?
2) The girls are lookin real rough. But they roll out of bed and get dressed. Brad announces that they will be participating in a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated.
3) Chantal feels like a, and I quote, “fat lard” and doesn’t want to be in a swim suit. Ashley the dentist has no problem taking her top off and letting her almond-sized boobs free for the shoot. Chantal figures, what the hell, and takes her top off too.
4) Michelle would rather not expose herself. She would much rather lay on top of Brad and practically have sex with him in public. I’m scared.
Dad: “Well, that girl [Chantal] is kinda chubby, isn’t she.”
I’m sorry that she has a single fat roll on her back, dad. I’m sorry that she’s human and not a plastic surgery obsessed alien like Michelle. By America’s standards, I’d say my girl Chantal is doing pretty good, Amen?
(Mom chimes in: “That girl is not fat, Randy. Men need to appreciate a girl with some curves.”)
That’s right, mom. If a girl can’t enjoy a good steak, she’s not worth anybody’s time. Just sayin.
5) After the shoot, Brad takes the girls to a pool party. Everybody is really upset. Brad takes Chantal aside and she tells him that she loves him again. Brad takes Michelle aside and says, “You scare me. I am legitimately afraid of you.”
6) Ashley the dentist begs Brad not to send her home and clings to his leg like a toddler. He is able to pry himself away long enough to grab the rose and give it to her. Only the Lord can know why.
7) Chantal loses her mind when she realizes that he gave the rose to someone else. Her only consolation was that it wasn’t to Michelle. But still.
1) Under the cover of nightfall, the women solemnly file out of a limo. Meanwhile, Brad needs to have a sit-down chat with Harrison. He wants to skip the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony.
2) Harrison gives his blessing and goes to assemble the girls. Everybody lines up and every viewer in America prays that now will finally be Michelle’s time to go home. Brad doesn’t disappoint.
3) When it’s time for the final rose to be handed out, Harrison comes out and announces it, as usual.
Dad: “This is so stupid.”
The camera pans over the women
Dad: “Well, that dark-haired one [Chantal] is the prettiest one. And that other girl [Emily] just looks like a robot. She’s got too much stuff on her face. She looks like every other blonde.” (stuff = makeup)
3) Michelle is rejected, and in a perfectly anticlimactic and disappointing display, she gets into the rejection limo. She refuses to speak to Brad, sheds no tears, and lays down in the back seat.
Oh yeah, that’s right. The devil doesn’t know how to cry. Now this makes sense.
Next week: Hometown dates. Little Ricky seems to hate Brad. Drama.
P.S. Wish my parents watched with me every week.