Category Archives: The Bachelor

Commentary on reality tv at its best: finding true love by dating 30 women at once. Some might say its indecent or unethical. We prefer to call it prime entertainment.

Bachelor/ette Recaps Have Moved

Hello friends!

I’m still blogging about the Bachelor/ette, but I’ve moved locations. If you want to keep reading my commentary on America’s favorite guilty pleasure, please click here. I hope you like my new blog (thisismyhobby.wordpress.com), I’m pretty excited about it.

Thanks,
V

Advertisements

The Men Tell All

I just have one thing to say about last night’s Men Tell All show: Ryan better not be the next bachelor. Seriously, abc. For real. The man prepared for this season by reading books about how to fall in love. As if that weren’t enough, he made “extensive notes” about it. Then he scribbled away in his journal with what I imagine to be an elvin-like glee. He probably giggled incessantly while doing all of the above. I can’t handle a whole season of that insanity, I just can’t. If Ryan is our next bachelor, I’m done with this show.

Who am I kidding, I’ll still watch. But I will be severely perturbed to say the least. Cheers to tonight, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will Ashley choose? A slightly emotional and bald New York native? Or a scraggly-haired yet ridiculously charming wine maker? We find out tonight! Check back for my recap of the finale later this week.

Can't wait to see creepy-lookin jeweler guy Neil Lane again.

-V

The Women Tell All

The music swells and the studio audience of middle-aged housewives screams as a suave, youthful gentleman greets the camera.

….Wait. Is that…Harrison? This manly creature that stands before us in a chic suit and a new, gelled hair style? This man can’t be married and a father of two. His carefully crafted tendrils are a thing of modern style, and he is having no trouble keeping up with men in their 20’s. Loving the look, Hare. Give those bachelors-to-be a run for their money.

Harrison stifles the screams throughout the audience by launching into a look back on our favorite moments from the season.

1) A considerably lighter Chantal smacks Brad across the face.

2) Madison “fangs” Garton hisses at the camera.

3) Michelle‘s various shenanigans:

a.  The mysterious black eye

b. The pre-rose ceremony rape, featuring the zebra print dress and the straddling/manhandling of Brad.

Brad quote: “I’m a man that can be blindsided by beauty.”

…Yeah. That, or blindsided by rape. No biggie.

Next, Harrison gives us a peek at Bachelor Nation and the exciting things America’s viewers have to look forward to this summer season.

1) We are transported into Bachelor world, which is occupied by the has-beens of the past, who couldn’t quite make the cut in the quest  to find love.

2) Hundreds of bachelors and bachelorettes past party it up in what appears to be the bachelor mansion. From Crazy Kasey to Rated R Justin, absolutely everyone has made an appearance.

3) In true Bachelor form, the party is well stocked with booze, sexy/borderline trashy people and a swimming pool or two. This is a recipe for unwanted pregnancies, STD’s and mornings filled with regret.

4) The party appears to be in full swing. This is indicated by the camera’s tight shots of Craig from Ali’s season sticking his tongue into Ashleigh’s, from Jake’s season, mouth. In addition to this, people have begun to jump into the pool and dry hump one another (wait…should that be wet hump? ew.)

5) We learn that many present at the party will be contestants on this summer’s season of BACHELOR PAD. Awwww yeeeeah. Contestant number one?A fan favorite: Vienna.

“I’d be great for Bachelor Pad because I’m a scheemer….heee heeee.”

No exaggeration, folks. She actually said “heee heee”.

6) It is brought to America’s attention that Vienna and Wes had a sexual rendezvous behind Gia’s back. Well, that’s gross.

According to Twitter evidence, however, it appears that Vienna and Guard-Your-Heart Kasey are involved in some way. Well, that’s a match-made in heaven. They both have unacceptable tattoos.

…Is that a….fairy with antennas??

Natalie’s face describes exactly how I feel about that heinous atrocity.

The show transitions into what we all tuned in for: The Women Tell All – Special Edition: Pound on Michelle.

1) Each of the girls wave hello to the audience. I don’t really remember most of them. The camera scans over a Snooki-colored brunette with bangs. Wait…that’s Ashley the dentist with a new look. Sadly, her transition to chic didn’t go as smoothly as our host Chris Harrison’s did. The verdict? Love the hair, hate the self tanner.

2) Do we all remember the Great Cat Fight of 2010? Opponents Raichel and Melissa squared off in a battle that consisted of the following high points:

a. Melissa attacking Raichel as Raichel shoots a glance at the camera that is reminiscent of Jim from The Office.

b. Melissa devastating Raichel with the earth-shattering attack of, “Nooo actuallllyyy YOU are a psycho.”

c. Raichel’s counter-attack of “You are toxic and poisonous.”

3) Harrison Quote: “Well, for a host, this is a buffet.”

That’s right, Hare. Gorge yourself on the sadness and desperation of 20- something’s in search of love. I’d do the same.

4) The girls waste no time in launching an attack on Michelle. Jackie leads the charge. Was anybody else surprised by this? Homegirl is sassy. And I like it.

Jackie Quote: “You’re not funny. I don’t like you. And I’m going to equate you to a spider. You’re creepy…and everyone’s afraid of you.”

Well, I had an idea of how the girls felt about Michelle, but after that comparison, the reality of Michelle’s insanity really hit home. Because nothing is more terrifying than a spider.

5) Don’t worry, Michelle has rehearsed her reaction to this news. She knew full well that America would hate her after seeing the show, so she had already practiced crying in the mirror for weeks in advance.

6) “I left my daughter,” she whimpers. “I missed her so much and I felt so guilty for leaving her. I think that’s why I was such a terrible beezy on the show.”

Michelle has a daughter? I wasn’t able to catch that news between her adamantly insisting that she turned 30/got a black eye/hates Chantal and her  frequent sexual assaults on Brad. Interesting.

7) Harrison decides that he will come back to Michelle later. For now, he’d like to address the Raichel v. Melissa issue.

8. Melissa gets in the hot-seat. What is she wearing over her cocktail dress?? A button-up lace nightie? That belongs to an 80-year-old?

9) We take a look back on Melissa’s alone time with Brad. She cries on his shoulder about being the “targeted girl” in the house and then, mid-sentence, exclaims, “OH GOSH. I shouldn’t have had that slice of pizza. It had onions and pepper on it. And I had like 4 slices. OH EM GEE I’m sorry that I have onion breath!!” Brad has no discernible reaction to the onion-breath news.

10) After seeing the footage, Melissa simply says that she doesn’t feel that she ever instigated anything with Raichel.

Raichel’s rebuttal: “You were frantic, you were frazzled, and you were freakin everybody out!” I like this girl’s use of alliteration. “He was grossed out by you, ONION BREATH!”

Yikes. Hope that nickname doesn’t stick.

Feisty Jackie pipes in: “Brad didn’t want to be with you, Melissa, because you were actin a fool.”  Duh duh dang.

11) Finally, Harrison gets back to the true task at hand: pounding on Michelle. She sits on the hot-seat, chokes out a few tears and repeats the rehearsed line about her daughter, etc.

Harrison: “I found you unbelievably entertaining. I thought you were hysterical.”

No, Harrison. No.

12) Michelle takes this as encouragement and gets involved in some seriously ugly crying. Her breath is catching in her chest, she can barely breathe and she might be hiccuping a little. But her waterproof mascara sure is holding up. Good thing she invested in that cosmetic wonder before coming to the show.

13) The women are enraged by this display. For a moment I think they might actually burn her at the stake on live television….but Harrison settles them down with the international kill sign (a hand moving in a slicing motion over the jugular). He takes Michelle’s feelings pretty seriously.

14) Jackie puts her final two cents in: “You are so shady.”

15) We turn our attention away from Michelle to focus on Ashley. She seems pretty happy, even though she sabotaged her love affair with Brad. Could this be because she’s been asked to be the next Bachelorette? Just sayin.

16) Brad comes out to face the women and he’s way excited about it. He compliments all of the women and tells America that he’s in love.

Harrison Quote: “Good, cuz we aint doin this again, I’m telling you right now.”

So who will it be – Emily or Chantal? The finale is next week. Stay tuned for the drama.

-V

P.S. This is gross

I just threw up a little.

And then there were two.

Brad is back in New York and packing  his bags once more for another adventure. After the whirlwind of meeting families and dumping Shawntel, Brad is excited for another change of scenery. As usual, he goes out to stand on the balcony to think. I’m happy to report that he either forgot to wear his traveling hat, or someone took the liberty of burning it.

After meditating on love and the fact that his noggin is feeling cold and lonely without his headgear, Brad grabs his man purse and hops into the awaiting limo. Destination: South Africa.

Chantal

1) Brad heads down a dirt road to collect Chantal for their date. Don’t worry, he wore his safari hat for the occasion. The two embark on a safari and pull up to a pride of sleeping lions. They are surprisingly calm and elated at being feet away from potential death.

2) Next, they happen upon a giraffe. “Now that’s a pretty animal,” exclaims Brad. “I mean this is…his home.” Good call, Brad. I’m now wishing I had thought to compile a list of his dumbest quotes throughout the season.

3) The poor sap who is stuck with chauffeuring the couple around leads them down to a river. He holds his gun at the ready to deflect any charging hippos.

4) The couple settle in for a picnic.

Brad: “Let me say this…Oooo, should I say this?!”

Chantal: “Uh….yeah?”

Brad: “I’m definitely the most comfortable around you.”

Chantal: “I would marry you right now if you asked me.”

Brad: (compulsively cracks knuckles) “……..”

5) Brad pulls out a card from Harrison: “Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.

P.S. Be responsible. Use contraception.”

6) Chantal practically knocks over the table in her hurry to go. “What happens in the fantasy suite, stays in the fantasy suite,” she tells the camera. If this blog wasn’t family friendly, I’d be forced to call Chantal a certain name at this point.

It rhymes with Doe.

7) Rather than hopping on a helicopter and flying to a private suite, he walks her out into into a deserted field. The sun is going down and a hawk cries overhead. He points to a tree in the distance. “That’s where we’re gettin down tonight,” says Brad. Yikes.

8. Their “fantasy suite” is a tree house. I wish I were joking. I mean, where do they go pee? In a bush? And what keeps a monkey from climbing up there during the night?! What keeps an ugly African buzzard from roosting up there while they sleep?? Worst. Fantasy Suite. Ever.

Emily

1) Brad meets Emily in the middle of a dirt road. Her bright blonde hair, flawless makeup, manicured nails and glittering jewelry seem very out of place in the African wilderness.

2) After scooping her into his arms, he tells her to wait there for a minute because he “forgot something.” Emily is annoyed, but stands and waits for him. What could he have possibly forgotten? The snacks, tiny candles, throw pillows or, God forbid, the champagne?!

3) Emily hears rustling in the brush and looks terrified. She thinks that maybe a lion has come to eat her. But wait! It’s brad on an elephant!

4) Brad and Emily take an elephant ride around Africa for a minute. They pass by some baby elephants playing at a water hole and all that I can think about is little Tantor from the movie Tarzan (my second favorite Disney movie).

5) The couple have a serious conversation. Brad: “Even though I banged Chantal last night, I can really see myself as a father to your daughter.”

6) At dinner, Brad is so nervous that he an barely breath or talk….so he just downs glass after class of wine. After giving up on expressing his feelings, he tosses the fantasy suite card her way. She tastefully says that she’s a mommy so she can’t do anything dirty, but she’d be glad to share the suite with him and to “talk some more”.

7) Instead of taking her to a janky tree house in the wilderness, Brad leads Emily into a chic cabin, stocked with cheesecake and rose petals. Emily tells Brad that she’s falling in love with him and he becomes breathless. He finally manages to strangle out, “I’m falling in love with you too.”

Ashley

1) Brad leads Ashley down a path that is reminiscent of their very first date together. Instead of happening upon a creepy carnival like last time, they happen upon a helicopter. At first, I thought Ashley’s body had become possessed by a demon. She hurls herself away from Brad and practically runs back to America, squealing the whole time, before Brad can ask her what on earth is wrong.

2) Apparently, Ashley is afraid of helicopters. For some reason, the prospect of riding in one is more terrifying than walking through the mouth of a gigantic clown tent.

3) The helicopter takes them to a hill, where they spread a picnic out. “Is this real life?!?” exclaims Ashley the dentist. Brad is starting to feel doubts about her. He asks where she wants to live when she finishes school. She recites every state except Texas.

4) Later at dinner, Brad tells her that he still has lots of questions and confronts her about not wanting to move to where he lives. She debates him fiercely and an awkward silence ensues.

Brad: “….so is that like, a cream puff that you’re eating or something?”

Ashley: “Yeah…it’s just…super creamy.”

Brad: “Is it really.”

5) Despite this being the worst date in the history of the Bachelor (besides the date on Jason Mesnick’s season when Natalie told him that she “likes bears” and then suggested that only God has the authority to not think she’s hot.) Brad still offers the Fantasy Suite card to Ashley.

6) I guess Brad figures he might as well give her a test run before making his final decision about whether or not to keep her. Too bad Ashley is not in the mood. They head to the fantasy suite and settle onto the couch.

Ashley: “So…what do you think of the gnats here in Africa?”

Brad: Completely ignores question and tries to kiss her/get frisky.

Ashley: Gives him a peck. “We are just not on our game tonight.”

Translation: I hate you.

Rose Ceremony

1) Brad confronts the final 3. “Before we get started, Ash, can I talk to you for a second?” Brad says. Emily and Chantal shoot one another quizzical looks.

2) Brad and Ash walk off and leave the other two standing there, sweating in their cocktail dresses. Both of them silently consider striking up conversation, but then decide that would be way too awkward.

3) Brad tells Ashley that their date was terrible and then admits that he doesn’t think he would fit into her life. He says that he’s broken hearted, but really, he just wants to get rid of her. Ashley leaves and cries it out in the limo.

4) Brad goes back to the other two and requests a group hug. They decide they would rather give him hugs separately. Obviously.

Coming up: The girls meet Brad’s family, swim with some sharks, and Brad cries for the first time.

-V

Love is patient, love is kind, love is…morbid?

It is a rainy day in New York City and Brad is packing his bags in preparation for upcoming hometown date adventures. That’s right, it’s time to meet the family and Brad is well aware of how serious all of this is getting. This can easily be deciphered from his pensive expression as he stands on the balcony of his hotel room and watches the rain fall.

For some reason unbeknownst to viewers across the nation, Brad has chosen to wear special travel gear, consisting of a dark collared jacket and a….newsboy cap? What is it with men, this show, and terrible headgear? Was I the only one who would never have pegged Brad the bar owner as a newsboy-cap-wearer? Yikes. Not a good look.

Aside from a few graphic tees, Brad has managed to avoid fashion faux pas...until the hat.

Brad gives us a quick run-down on what he thinks about all of the girls so far:

Chantal: She’s super hot, even with her curves….I mean, I literally find a new curve on her every time I see her….but aside from her being sexy, I’m a little worried about the fact that she cries. Every day.

Ashley the Dentist: I like her because she’s so happy and energetic all of the time. She may slightly remind me of a terrier, but I’m willing to look past it.

Shawntel: She’s the only girl who has been consistent throughout this process – no drama. But….she likes to touch dead people.

Emily: I’m in lov…I mean, uh, I really like this girl. But she’s still in love with, well, the love of her life. So….that’s….that.

Brad decides its time to stop thinking and to hop into action. He grabs his crocodile-skin man purse and hops into a cab. First stop: Chantal‘s hometown.

Chantal

1) Brad arrives in Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. Before heading to the parents’ house, they stop by Chantal’s abode. They are greeted at the door by a zoo of animals, the most notable one being a furry creature wearing a t-shirt.

2) The two drink some beers and stroke her animal collection while discussing how on earth she would move her furry friends into his bachelor pad in Texas.

3) They head over to her parents’ house…oh wait. That’s not a house. That’s a mansion. Chantal failed to mention that she’s an heiress. Her bad.

4) Is it just me or does Dad look like he was born in the same year Brad was? And Mom looks like she could be a “real housewife”. This family could very well be BRAVOlebrities in the near future.

5) Mom: “I figured you two could use a home cooked meal!”

Translation: “While I was getting a chemical peel today, our personal chef Geoffrey prepared this feast.”

6) After dinner, Brad and Dad swap battle stories about making it to the top from nothing. They retire to a lounge within the mansion and bond over both having crappy fathers and also discover that they were in the same pledge class in college.  Go figure.

7) Meanwhile, in another lounge, Chantal is talking to Mom and starts to cry. Of course. How are there even any tears left in this woman?!

8. The bromance is still going on with Brad and Dad. They move to the wine cellar and Brad asks Dad’s blessing on his pursuit of Chantal. Asking isn’t necessary – it’s merely a formality. Clearly, Dad will honor the way of their brotherhood in the sacrifice of his first born.

Ashley

1) Ashley takes Brad to the restaurant where she had her first job. She orders her favorite dish: heart disease.

2) The waitress brings out their platter of death-induced-by-inevitable-obesity and speaks to Brad in french. His reply? “Si”

Wrong, Brad. Wrong.

3) Ashley takes Brad to her parents’ house. As soon as the door opens she takes off. She’s doing cartwheels, ricocheting off of the walls and tackling everyone in sight. Everybody else is equally as hyper. They are all hugging and crawling on the floor on all fours and screaming and….it’s chaos.

4) Dad hits pause on the fun and games and pulls Brad aside for a talkin’ to. “Just so you know, if you guys fall in love or whatever, she WILL be finishing her schooling. So bite that off and chew it, Brad.” Brad is undeterred by this news.

Shawntel

1) Shawntel impatiently awaits Brad’s arrival in her funeral home. “Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl,” she says. “Death is an inevitability, so everybody just needs to get with it.” …preach it, sister…?

2) When Brad arrives, she tries to make out, but he’s too busy watching his back for spirits to get into it. So, she goes to plan B: Show him some classy crypts.

3) Brad looks like he could cry and/or hurl up his breakfast when Shawntel shows him the spot that she has reserved for his cremated ashes.

4) Next stop: Embalming room. This place looks like a new-age torture chamber. I mean,  the hooks hanging from the ceiling and the stainless steel tools and the bottles of acid….

5) “Go ahead and lay down on the embalming table,” Shawntel says. Brad’s eyes go wide, but he does as she commands.

Shawntel stares down at a helpless and terrified Brad.

6) Shawntel whips out her collection of tools and gleefully explains all of the ways that she stabs dead corpses and drains their blood. Brad is losing his cool. “I don’t do well with death,” he finally admits after Shawntel tells how much fun it is to sit down with a family and plan a funeral.

7) Shawntel to the camera: “Seeing him on that embalming table was so hot. I’ve never had this before! I want to marry a man who can just lay on an embalming table like that and be fine.”

….He was screaming inside, girlfriend. And I’m sure you noticed the cold sweat that he went into. And his clammy hands. And maybe the fact that he threw up over the side of the table.

8. They finally leave the house of death and head to her parents’. No, her father isn’t Tim Burton, but he might as well be. This guy loves death – he’s been in the business for 40 years.

9) Dad is upset that Shawntel is willing to give up taking over the business to find true love, but he eventually decides that he’s fine with it. The family all sit in the living room and stare at each other. Brad checks behind him for ghosts and swallows hard. And…is that… a tear trickling down his cheek?

Emily

1) Brad arrives in a park, bearing a gift for Emily’s daughter. Emily tries to give Brad a hug upon seeing him, but Ricky is clinging to her waist like a barnacle.

“Hey, Ricky!” Brad says

“Ricky Tick! Don’t you want to say hi to my friend?!” Emily says

“………” Ricky says

“Do you want a present?” Brad says

“……….” Ricky says. And then immediately snatches the gift.

2) Ricky opens the present and her expression says, What tha….what is this?! So, we don’t believe in Barbies anymore, huh.

3) They head to Emily’s place and hang out in Ricky’s playroom, which is actually the size of a modest home. It is full of toys, to include a princess castle and numerous board games.

I guess the days of playing with sticks in the dirt and fighting over which large rock will be your “castle” with your sister are long gone. Yes. That was my childhood. Don’t pity me, it’s how I became the strong woman I am today.

4) After the kid goes to bed, Emily is ready for some lovin, but Brad’s not having it. He acts super awkward and tells her he feels uncomfortable getting frisky while Ricky is upstairs. I say: Get a grip. It’s grown-up time.

Rose Ceremony

Throughout the show, my parents were walking in and out of the room, catching snippets here and there. When the rose ceremony began, they both casually glued their butts to the couch and were riveted, naturally. I’ll include their commentary throughout this section of the recap.

1) Brad is back in New York and talking it out with Harrison

Mom’s opinion: “He needs to get rid of the little bubbly one (Ashley).”

Dad’s opinion: “That one girl (Chantal) is prettier than the blonde one. But I think he should pick the funeral director. They would get along better in a marriage.”

2) I hate to say it, but we all saw it coming. Shawntel the funeral director is sent home. The heavy burden of bearing the dead to the other side in style, by providing a classy crypt and/or a fashionable urn, is a weight that Shawntel must carry alone.

Mom: “Well, he’s the one that’s missin out. She shoulda let that ponytail go, though. It’s not lookin good.”

Dad: “Every night when she kissed him, he would have been thinkin about them dead bodies…She had her hands inside of them…ew.”

Mom: “…And about how she gushed the blood out, and drained it….ugh, how can that be sexy and attractive.”

Dad: “She needs to get her some kind of freaky guy. She’s going to have trouble finding a husband I think.”

“That chubby girl (Chantal) is still the prettiest. But just wait till she has a baby… *whistles* She’s gonna be huge.”

Mom: “Brad needs to go ahead and pick her….save her from herself! She keeps getting bigger with every episode!!! Maybe she could get some of that tummy taken out….Maybe she needs to get together with the mortician and she could hook her up. Find the right ‘entry point’ and that’ll be a wrap.”

Dad: “He needs to get rid of the blonde (Emily) because she’s way too obsessed with her kid.”

Mom: “I want to see the blonde one without makeup. I bet her hair isn’t the only fake thing…she probably has one of those booty pops.”

Me: “What?! What’s a ‘booty pop’?!”

Answer:

Out. Of. Control.

-V

Oh blessed of days…

Michelle is gone. Did anybody else hear the hallelujah chorus? I sure did. And I may have even cried a little – from sheer happiness, of course.  It took Brad six weeks, but he finally came to his senses.

Before I dive into the recap, I’d like to first address the fact that I watched this episode with my parents. Yes, that means my father watched. Naturally, I’ll insert his commentary throughout this post (he didn’t realize that I was making note of everything he said throughout the show). I hope you enjoy reading a 50+ male perspective…I definitely enjoyed hearing it.

The episode begins with a relocation from Costa Rica to the beautiful island of Anguilla. We join in on the fun as the girls boat around in the tropical waters. They jump out of the boat and run up to their villa, which looks like something out of a dream. For some reason, the girls are trotting everywhere they go – they sprint from room to room, jog out to the pool and practically turn cartwheels in the yard. I am amazed that Chantal’s sun dress is able to stay up; those ta-ta’s don’t look tamed.

Our beloved host Harrison strolls up out of nowhere, as he tends to do, and announces that there will be four dates this week. He hands off the first date card and disappears into the blue horizon.

The first date card reads: “Three things I would bring to a deserted island: Picnic lunch; champagne; Emily.”

None of the girls can get pissed about this because they are all in agreement that if they were on a deserted island, they would probably want Emily there too. She’s freaking hot.

Brad & Emily’s Date

1) Brad to the camera: “I’m nervous because I don’t believe that I deserve to be with this woman.” No argument there.

2) Brad and Emily hop onto a helicopter, which transports them to their own private island, appropriately named the “sandy island”.

3) They take a seat on a blanket and things get really quiet.

Emily: “What are you thinking?”

Brad: “It’s just a really, really good view.”

…..dead silence

Me: “Wowwww….great conversation.”

Dad: “HAHAH”

4) Brad finally breaks the silence. He musters up all of his gumption and attempts to tell Emily that he’s in love with her without saying that he’s in love with her. What he says ends up making no sense at all, but Emily puts him out of his misery and kisses him.

Meanwhile, back at the villa….

Shawntel receives the next date card: “Let’s find love on the streets of Anguilla.”

Back at the date….

5) Brad and Emily sit down for dinner.

Dad:This guy has a really big, red, shiny nose, doesn’t he.”

Brad clears his throat, “After this week, I meet families, which is huge….and….I reeeeeally want to know if you would allow me to meet Ricky. OOOOOO, deep sigh. Deep sigh. I caught that.”

Dad: (grimaces in disgust) “This guy is so dumb.”

(Mom chimes in): “Don’t let him meet your kid, girl!!!”

6) Emily says in so many words that she can’t think of anything that she would hate more than for Brad to meet her daughter. At this, Brad decides to live up to the image that his hardcore gothic tattoo suggests, and break some rules. He tells her that she is for sure getting a rose, and that means that he is forcing her to let him meet her daughter.

Brad mean mugs the camera and says, “I don’t care about the rules. I care about Emily. I’ll do whatever it takes to meet the spawn of the man whose image I can never live up to.” Good luck, bud.

Shawntel & Brad’s Date

1) Last time, Shawntel got to go shopping. This time, Shawntel gets to go on a bike ride. Despite this being a considerably worse date, Shawntel still has a zippy disposition.

2) They arrive at a farmer’s market, where locals are playing music and feeding each other drinks out of massive melons. The locals humor the American couple and allow them to jump rope and pretend to be as care-free and fun-loving as the next Caribbean person.

3) Auntie B, the real-life version of Mama Odie from Disney’s The Princess & The Frog [see photo below], gives the couple some advice: “Just hold hands and maybe kiss sometimes. You look like a nice couple.”

…Okay, so maybe she’s not as profound as the wise Mama Odie. And she definitely didn’t appear to have a pot of magic gumbo or an inappropriately friendly snake. But the resemblance is striking.

As Odie once said: You gotta dig a little deeper...to find out who you are.

4) Brad and Shawntel leave their market adventures to have dinner. She tells him that she’s in love with him and it starts to rain. Brad announces that making out in the rain is “so hot”. Suddenly, a crowd of random people start to silently surround them. This seems weird and slightly terrifying.

5) A scrawny dreaded old guy walks up and starts to sing. Shawntel’s face looks as puzzled as I feel. Who dat?

6) Brad squeals. “I’ve got a surprise for Shawntel. The most famous singer in Anguilla is here!” Well that explains it. He’s famous in Anguilla…meaning that he’s not famous.

Meanwhile, back at the villa…

The next date card goes to Britt: “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.”

Michelle to the camera: “Britt and Brad are apparently setting sail on the sea of love, but there’s a good chance that their ship will go down. Because I’m going to stow away in bottom of it and drill a hole. And then they’ll drown. If I can’t have him, nobody can.” I’m scared.

Brad & Britt’s Date

1) Brad takes Britt to a yacht. They swim out to it.

(Mom chimes in: “They couldn’t get a raft to take them out there? Oh no, I would not be swimmin’ that far.”) *sigh* We’re so much alike.

2) Michelle‘s voiceover: “Truly? You’re going to use that yacht for Britt?! Seems like a waste of a one-on-one to me.”

(Mom chimes in: “That girl is a hater….What’s a one-on-one?”)

3) The couple go cliff jumping. My first thought: Twilight. My second thought: This is scary. Apparently, Britt thought so too, as it took her at least 30 minutes to muster up the gumption to jump.

Meanwhile, back at the villa….

The next date card announces a group date. The recipients are: Ashley the dentist, Chantal, and Michelle: “This is the dawn of a new love.”

Michelle: “I reaaaaally don’t want to be going on a date with you guys.”

Chantal looks like she’s holding herself back from murder.

Back at the date….

4) The couple have dinner on the yacht and conversation is at zero. “Today couldn’t have been better,” Britt says. Brad looks like he might throw up. “Aaaactually, I don’t like you that much. When we were in a romantic spot earlier, I didn’t have the urge to jump your bones whatsoever. That’s a bad sign. It could be because you don’t have breast implants like the other girls *cough* Michelle, but it could also be because I don’t see a future with you.”

Ouch.

5) Brad continues, “I was crucified (Really, Brad.) the last time I was on this show for leading girls on, so I’m not going to do that this time. You need to leave the yacht, immediately. Please watch your step. Yeah, uhhh, this way.” he says as he pushes her toward the waiting rejection boat.

6) Britt walks back to the house and Michelle gives her a long hug and whimpers “What happened? Oh no!” while cackling over Britt’s shoulder. The girls try to hide their joy while watching her blubber and stuff her clothes into a bag.

Group Date

1) Brad goes to wake the girls up at 2 a.m. Booty call?

2) The girls are lookin real rough. But they roll out of bed and get dressed. Brad announces that they will be participating in a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated.

3) Chantal feels like a, and I quote, “fat lard” and doesn’t want to be in a swim suit. Ashley the dentist has no problem taking her top off and letting her almond-sized boobs free for the shoot. Chantal figures, what the hell, and takes her top off too.

4) Michelle would rather not expose herself. She would much rather lay on top of Brad and practically have sex with him in public. I’m scared.

Dad: “Well, that girl [Chantal] is kinda chubby, isn’t she.”

I’m sorry that she has a single fat roll on her back, dad. I’m sorry that she’s human and not a plastic surgery obsessed alien like Michelle. By America’s standards, I’d say my girl Chantal is doing pretty good, Amen?

(Mom chimes in: “That girl is not fat, Randy. Men need to appreciate a girl with some curves.”)

That’s right, mom. If a girl can’t enjoy a good steak, she’s not worth anybody’s time. Just sayin.

5) After the shoot, Brad takes the girls to a pool party. Everybody is really upset. Brad takes Chantal aside and she tells him that she loves him again. Brad takes Michelle aside and says, “You scare me. I am legitimately afraid of you.”

6) Ashley the dentist begs Brad not to send her home and clings to his leg like a toddler. He is able to pry himself away long enough to grab the rose and give it to her. Only the Lord can know why.

7) Chantal loses her mind when she realizes that he gave the rose to someone else. Her only consolation was that it wasn’t to Michelle. But still.

Rose Ceremony

1) Under the cover of nightfall, the women solemnly file out of a limo. Meanwhile, Brad needs to have a sit-down chat with Harrison. He wants to skip the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony.

2) Harrison gives his blessing and goes to assemble the girls. Everybody lines up and every viewer in America prays that now will finally be Michelle’s time to go home. Brad doesn’t disappoint.

3) When it’s time for the final rose to be handed out, Harrison comes out and announces it, as usual.

Dad: “This is so stupid.”

The camera pans over the women

Dad: “Well, that dark-haired one [Chantal] is the prettiest one. And that other girl [Emily] just looks like a robot. She’s got too much stuff on her face. She looks like every other blonde.” (stuff = makeup)

3) Michelle is rejected, and in a perfectly anticlimactic and disappointing display, she gets into the rejection limo. She refuses to speak to Brad, sheds no tears, and lays down in the back seat.

Oh yeah, that’s right. The devil doesn’t know how to cry. Now this makes sense.

Next week: Hometown dates. Little Ricky seems to hate Brad. Drama.

-V

P.S. Wish my parents watched with me every week.

Brad in Costa Rica

This season has been weighing heavy on Brad’s heart. He’s feeling really stressed. It’s a good thing he’s jetting off to a tropical paradise that offers numerous opportunities for girls to run around in bikinis – what better way to relax and possibly find true love? Brad and the girls are Costa Rica bound.

Brad arrives in Costa Rica to settle in before the ladies arrive. He stoically stares at a waterfall and contemplates the week ahead. He walks along a few balconies. This place is amazing. There are rainforests, hot springs, and all manner of wildlife, to include goats and wild horses. Abc has rented out an entire resort for the girls to play in. Brad shows them to their suite and says, “Alright, well I’m just gonna leave this little guy….” and leaves the room.

Wait, what little guy? Is there a midget on set? Oh, he means the date card. Silly me, that’s a completely normal way for him to refer to a sealed envelope.

The date card goes to Chantal“Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight.”

Brad & Chantal’s Date

1) The couple hop into a helicopter and fly above fields of Costa Rican livestock. “I’m not going to let anything stop me from falling in love with Brad,” Chantal’s voiceover says. The camera zooms in on her hand groping his upper thigh.

2) The adventure of the day is zip lining. Once the pair suit up in their gear, it immediately starts to rain. Brad and Chantal freak out. Could this rain be a metaphor for the stormy times ahead in their relationship? Nah. It just means that they are going to zip line. In the rain.

Meanwhile, back at the resort….

The group date card arrives: “Love Springs Eternally”

Recipients include: Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt. This leaves Alli to receive the one-on-one date.

Back at the date…

3) Brad and Chantal have finished zip lining and have relocated to a picnic by an exotic river in the middle of the rainforest. Just as they are taking their first bites of what appears to be jungle fruit, it starts to rain again. “You’ve got to be kidding me! This is CRAZY!” screams Brad. Well…it is rainforest.

4) The pair escape from the rain by going into Brad’s room. Don’t worry, in the scramble to get indoors, Brad still managed to grab the rose and the regal silver platter that it sits upon.

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

Michelle is gazing out at the falling rain with pure glee. “There’s a chance that this could be the worst date Brad’s been on!” She practically squeals in maniacal joy. “Chantal is probably going home!”

Little does she know that Chantal has now donned Brad’s button up shirt. And she’s probably naked under it. BOOM.

Back at the date….

5) Chantal has wet hair and Brad’s shirt on and he’s feeding her dessert. It’s sexxxxyyy tiiiiiime. “I’m crazy about you,” Chantal whispers to Brad between sensual kisses. Brad pulls his face away and gazes into her eyes. “This could happen every night,” he says.

Well yeah…maybe it could. Except for the part about being in Costa Rica and having a rainforest, waterfalls, desserts, and unlimited glasses of champagne at your disposal.

Group Date

1) “Today’s date is all about adventure and facing fear,” Brad explains to the camera. Wait…is this supposed to be news? Isn’t that what all of the dates are about? I mean…all you seem to do is hurl yourself and your helpless dates from great heights.

2) The girls suit up in ponchos and helmets and…. surprise, surprise. They are expected to repel from a tropical cliff. They look over the edge at their fate: Rushing water and jagged rocks. Sounds about right.

3) Oh and guess what else. Michelle is pissed again. “To be very honest with you, on our date Brad and I made a pact that we would never repel off of anything with anyone else,” Michelle tells the camera.

I think I speak for all of us when I say: Shut up, Michelle.

4) Poor Jackie is legitimately terrified at the idea of lowering her body down a slippery slope. She is deathly afraid of heights. “It’s going to be okay,” Brad coaches her, “Just don’t look down.”

“Look down,” says Satan. She smiles evilly and watches as Jackie cries. “Oh bless her heart, Jackie is just so dramatic,” Michelle tells the camera. “It was quite the production.” Wait wait waaaait…did I just hear the mistress of evil herself call somebody else out for being dramatic?! Is this a joke?

5) Michelle tells Brad that she’s pissed because he’s allowing the other girls the great privilege of hurling themselves off of a cliff to possible death or a crippled future. In order to get her to stop punching him, Brad tells Michelle that he is going to repel alongside her. This lifts her spirits considerably.

6) Brad takes the girls to a hot spring next. Michelle to the camera: “Seeing Brad take his shirt off makes you just want to go home and…##%$*@#!!” This person is a mother?! Um….child services? Need a little help over here.

Meanwhile, back at the resort….

Alli’s date card has arrived: “Meet me at the altar.”

What could this mean?! Chantal is concerned. So, she decides to grab the huge and unidentifiable bug from a nearby table and run toward Alli with it. Alli is afraid of the bugs that go *crunch* when you step on them. This bug definitely looks like the crunchy type. Alli lets out a blood curdling scream and throws her entire wine glass at Chantal and it shatters on the ground. She is convulsing in fear and announces that she think she might throw up.

Back at the date…

7) “What the f*** is that?!” says a bewildered Brad who thinks somebody might be getting raped nearby. Oh that? That was just Chantal assaulting a fellow contestant with a bug. No need for alarm.

8. Michelle corners Brad and starts an argument with him. She doesn’t think Chantal is right for him. Because she hassles him so much, Brad decides not to give out a rose on the date.

Brad & Alli’s Date

1) Brad comes to pick Alli up in a horse. The two of them trot away from the resort in pursuit of adventure. First stop: 40 million-year-old cave. I can already tell that this is going to be the worst. Date. Ever.

Have we not learned our lesson about caves yet? Come on, folks.

Highly dangerous situation we have on our hands, here.

2) “There could be bugs everywhere,” says Alli. “There could be poisonous jungle bugs.” While I completely sympathize with this fear, I think it is indicated by the above trailer that jungle bugs are the least of our worries at this point. 

3) The two wade through murky water and have the worst time ever. Not only is it incredibly dark, wet, and creepy it also just…sucks. Alli makes the mistake of shining her light against a nearby cave wall and is met with this horrendous sight.

Friends. I literally screamed out loud while uploading that photo. I can’t possibly imagine seeing that in real life. I have an entirely new respect for Alli. If I had been in her place I would have instantaneously died.

4) Don’t worry, it gets better. Alli shifts her gaze from the spider onto the ceiling, where hundreds of bats are swooping around.

O.M.G.

Somebody could literally die on this date. Are you kidding me?! Spiders and bats?! You’ve really outdone yourself this time, abc. Not cute.

5) The couple escape the wrath of the cave creatures by squeezing through a claustrophobic and damp crawl space. They have finally reached the “altar“, which is just a bunch of watery rocks. So the opposite of exciting. For some reason, Brad sets a blanket down on the watery steps and makes a feeble attempt at romance by setting up candles.

Worst. Date. EVER.

6) After their cave adventures, the pair sit down for dinner in what appears to be…a lagoon. The conversation sucks (probably because Alli is still traumatized and in shock), and Brad is not feeling it.

Rose Status: Denied.

Later that night….

Brad is lounging in his room when he hears a knock at the door. He finds Michelle at his threshold. “Hola,” she says. No. No, no, NO! We are  done with you, Michelle! The question is, why isn’t Brad?!

Probably because he enjoys his sensual make out sessions with her. You know, the ones that make us all feel uncomfortable while watching because it borders on sexually explicit activity? After Brad surfaces for air, Michelle gives him the run down on who she thinks is going home, in chronological order. Brad is not amused.

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

1) Brad admits to Emily that he’s scared of her because she is ridiculously hot.

2) Chantal is looking rough in an unfortunate cheetah print dress.

3) Brad talks to Michelle and says, “You are scaring me. You are scaring me badly.”

Yeah, no kidding. She’s been scaring the American public since day #1, Brad. Get a clue!

4) Chantal tells Brad that she has fallen in love with him. Interesting.

5) Brad sends our beloved Jackie home, like the fool that he is. Why would he keep Michelle over beautiful Jackie?! Why would he keep limited-too-heart-shaped-earrings-wearing Britt over Jackie?! Bachelors be crazy.

Next Week: Anguilla. Britt gets one-on-one time. Brad wants to meet Emily’s daughter. Chantal cries again. The usual drama.

-V