This week, the bachelorette and her men explored Turkey. Not the sandwich meat, but probably equally as exciting.
“I have high hopes to move forward with the guys in this random city.” Ali tells the camera. We see her walking through what looks like a slum, but what is probably a tourist area.
The men roll up to a hotel, where Harrison is waiting, and the first thing that I notice is their head-gear. They all seem to be wearing really ugly hats and I’m thinking, whatever happened to the classic baseball cap?! Between the dog tags, chains, and hats, this show could be turned into eXtreme makeover: bachelor edition.
While the men settle into their hotel suite, Ali is in her room rubbing perfume on her wrists. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Harrison. And he has some serious business to lay down (as usual). He tells Ali that Jessie, from Jake’s season, has some bad news to tell her.
Does everybody remember Jessie? She looked like a woodland creature and barely had any role in the show except for when she sniffled into Jake’s ear that Vienna was a fugly slut.
Harrison fumbles around for a wrinkled post-it note in his pocket, tediously dials out the number, and an awkward silence ensues as the phone rings literally 13 times before Jessie picks up.
Jessie tells Ali the tough news: “Hey Ali. Rated R has a girlfriend…her name is Jessica and she’s actually one of my best friends because she’s sitting right next to me.” (hands Jessica the phone)
Jessica: “I’m Justin’s girlfriend. He isn’t called Rated R for nothing. He’s been dating me plus another girl, and that behavior is definitely not PG13. (forces out a fake whimper) He and I planned to have him on the show to get him famous. An entertainment wrestler def. has the potential to become an A-lister, you know?! I mean…we figured if he got some face-time he could be wrestling with the best of them.”
All I can say is…after this show, Rated R will definitely have a seat at the Oscars next to Brangelina and Tom Cruise. Because having your fake girlfriend call into a reality show to stage an upset always gets you to the top.
Ali hangs up the phone and her eyes are balls of fire. “Let’s go, Harrison.” she grunts, and the two stomp down the hallway in search of the guys’ suite. Harrison knocks on the door, looking excited for the chance to whoop some wrestler butt with his vicious rhetoric. Craig answers the door and let’s the dynamic duo in.
Ali is straight sassy with Justin in front of the guys. She starts screaming, so he gets up and walks out. Roberto holds and rocks her while Justin gathers his satchel, slings it over his shoulder, adjusts his boot, and walks out of the hotel. “EFF YOU!” he screams, as he slams the suite door. “I’ve got my passport and my wallet and that’s all I need.” he mumbles as he limps down the hallway. It’s a good thing that’s all he’ll need, because he definitely left his dignity back at the suite.
The boys rush to the window to watch the drama, as Ali and Harrison sprint after Rated R, who is now walking in circles around the hotel, trying to escape. Curiously, every single door he tries to enter is locked and the people inside look so terrified, an outsider might mistake this as a terrorist situation. Finding the surrounding buildings to be on lock-down, Justin starts climbing through some shrubbery and scaling a few fountains to find his escape. “You’re gonna regret this. FACE ME LIKE A MAN!” Ali screams.
Finally realizing that ABC somehow has the ability to lockdown an entire country for the purposes of this show, Justin hobbles back over to Ali and pops a squat next to her. She stares daggers into his soul as she waits for him to speak. Justin says he’s sorry, Ali tells him he’s not a man and that he lacks honor and integrity, and he walks off into the streets of Turkey once more. As Justin desperately tries to hail a cab (not realizing that ABC producers have instructed all cab drivers to ignore him) we hear a series of voicemails that he left for the alleged “girlfriend” Jessica.
Goodbye, Rated R. Good luck with all of that wrestling stuff. Now, let’s get back to finding Ali’s true love.
Ty and Ali’s One-on-One Date
1) Ty is strolling through Turkey and he’s painfully reminding me of Dirty Wes with his country boy button up shirt – sleeves rolled up just above the wrists – and his swagger. But i decide to push those thoughts from my mind and give him a fair chance.
2) The pair walk into an ancient building, suit up in what appear to be picnic blankets, and shuffle off in wooden shoes to a mystical chamber of healing waters. Just kidding. I don’t think they were healing waters…they were just…waters.
All I can say is, a turkish bathhouse sounds way unsanitary.
“It’s crazy to think that people have been bathing here for 300 years.” says Ali.
More like super gross. 300 whole years of germ build-up and dirty naked man bodies sitting on every surface of that room. Forgive me while I gag.
3) The mystical turkish music swells as Ty rubs Ali down with some lotions and they make out hardcore.
4) Once they’re done with the bathhouse, the couple go out for some dinner. Don’t worry, Ty didn’t forget to wear his metal spider/scorpion pendant, which hangs from a leather strap around his neck.
5) Ty tells Ali that he divorced his last wife because she had a job and was career-driven.
…do I even need to comment on how many negative points that earned?
Kirk, Chris, Roberto, Craig
1) The boys and Ali are straight chugging mugs of beer in an ottoman empire amphitheater, when a processional of oiled-up turkish men shows up. The guys don’t even get to break into the snacks before they are informed that they have to wrestle with these guys.
2) Chris is super disgusted that he has to rub himself against a beefy oily man. Kirk shrieks in sheer terror: “They’re all oiled up!!!” Highly dangerous situation we have on our hands here.
3) The date takes a turn for the worse as the boys are doused in olive oil and commence to rolling around in the grass with one another.
4) Roberto and Craig wrestle. Roberto is a complete beast, yet somehow Craig beats him despite the fact that he has the least amount of muscles in the whole group.
5) Craig wins a one-on-one date which I will not comment on because it was completely boring.
Frank and Ali’s Date…
1) Frank runs up to Ali in a pigeon infested courtyard and they share a passionate kiss. They frolic off into the streets of Turkey to get swindled by a few turkish vendors.
2) While Frank fits himself with a turban, Ali of course has to take the opportunity to have as little clothing on as possible. So, naturally, a sparkly bedazzled bra and sheer skirt would be the appropriate thing for her to try on. We’re talking the turkish equivalent of Victoria’s Secret underwear.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
Craig is posted up in bed with Roberto, while wearing a black muscle shirt. Nobody knows why.
Back at the date…
3) You know those sales people at the mall who ask to feel your skin? And then they whip out exfoliating cream and start massaging your fingers with it? And you’re screaming in your head because some stranger with an indecipherable accent is literally caressing you? Well that’s pretty much what everybody is like in Turkey.
4) While Frank takes shots of hard alcohol, some man with greased back hair and a pinstriped suit tries to sell the couple a carpet. Frank pretty much has no interest in a carpet unless it can fly, like in Aladdin. But he ends up buying one anyway.
Question: How did Frank finance such a carpet? Surely his GAP salary isn’t paying him enough for him to afford souvenirs.
THE BACHELOR PAD. Former contestants will compete for money.
Nasty Natalie tells the camera that she likes bears again and that she was dumped by Jason. “Who does he think he is?! God?!”
Weatherman Jonathan tells the camera that his face is the “moneymaker”
Dirty Wes squints at the camera and growls, “game on” while a rendition of “Love don’t come easy” plays in the background.
Back at the date…
5) Frank shoulders the ridiculous rug as the couple stroll through some shady parts of Turkey and enter into what looks strikingly similar to the creepy cave from Iceland.
6) Apparently they have entered into a “cistern” (whatever the heck that is) and they have to walk through icy cold water to the middle of it so that they can eat some dinner. Am I the only one who thinks this sounds terrible?
7) They have some heavy conversation and I end up concluding that Ali is indeed in love with Frank.
Ali decides that she wants to skip the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony because there is someone that she knows she doesn’t have a connection with. We all know that it’s Craig. He sheds a few tears and then heads back to the law firm.
Next stop: Portugal….
More drama coming up tonight!