Moving forward (for the hundredth time)

For the past few episodes, Ashley has made bold claims about “moving forward” in her relationships with all of the men. As far as I can tell, the opposite seems to be happening. In fact, after last night’s shenanigans, many of the men seem to now hate her. Between Lucas cursing her name in a southern drawl and Blake smirking over a glass of hard liquor, Ashley was having a really rough time “moving forward”. Oh, well. At least JP and Ben love her; they are the only two that really matter anyway.

The bachelorette is awaiting her men in Hong Kong in this episode. She stands on a busy street as the cars and people rush around her. She’d like to enjoy this beautiful city, but her soul is in turmoil.

“Part of my heart is still with Bentley in the U.S.”

Did anybody else just scream, rip their hair out and/or contemplate setting fire to their television set?

Meanwhile, Harrison is welcoming the men to Hong Kong. He points them in the direction of the hotel where they will be staying and whisks off to pay Ashley a visit. Once they are seated in her hotel room, Harrison looks her square in the eye and lays down a few facts.

“Listen. You have eight outstanding men here and there are some great relationships developing. My biggest fear for you is that in the end, a guy is going to be getting on his knee and you’ll be thinking about Satan, uh, I mean, Bentley. As idiotic as it may be for you to think that you ‘love’ him, I’ve brought him here to talk to you. He’s in the hotel right now.”

Ashley’s face is frozen with fear/surprise. “SHUT UP. No. Shut u – are you SERIOUS.” She clutches her heart and begins to cry. “Is this a joke?! Is this one big lie? You aren’t serious right now, no. No. No.”

You’re right, Ashley. He’s not serious. You thought you were on the Bachelorette, but this is actually an episode of Punk’d. I’m sure Harrison was just looking for an excuse to sit through another one of your emotional break downs because they’re a blast and a half.

Harrison just stares and lets her get it all out before calmly addressing her. “Clearly, your crazed and more than slightly disturbing obsession with Bentley has caused you to forget that I am the perfect man. I’m not here to mess with you, Ashley.”

He jots down Bentley’s room number and slides it over to Ashley, giving her a long, fatherly glare. “Don’t make me regret this. If you don’t get over him immediately after this, I’m quitting.” With that, he leaves her to wander down to Bentley’s room. Ashley arrives at Bentley’s door and knocks. Approximately 15 hours pass. Ashley’s heart is palpitating and she can hardly stand still. She knocks again, this time pressing her lips against the door in mute agony. Another hour passes and then, a muffled, “Who is it?” from within and the door swings open.

There he is. In all of his two-timin’, slime-ballin’ glory. He gives her a smile and she clutches to him, stealing a desperate kiss. Gross.

"Uh oh, my lip gloss is poppin all up on yo mouth. Let me get that, boo"

They have a seat in his room and begin to chat.

B: “I thought about calling but Harrison offered a free trip to Hong Kong so I was like, duh, I’ll be there.”

A: “How’s Cozy?”

B: “Who? Oh, yeah, she’s alright.”

A: “It was so hard when you left, I thought you were the one.”

B: “Yeah girl, me too. Come live with me if it doesn’t work out with JP, okay?”

A: “That’s not fair, you can’t leave it open-ended. I thought you came into my life so we could fall in love.”

B: “I think you know where I’m at, you know where I’m coming from, right. I think you’re here for a purpose.” (note: this makes no sense)

A: (In a sudden twist, her emotions turn to rage) “WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING?! Did you come here to hurt me? Well, mission EFFING accomplished! I’m holding onto a dot dot dot when you should have left with a period. UGH, why is it so HOT IN THIS ROOM!!!”

Ashley storms out of the room. She is livid when she speaks to the camera: “He disrespected me to the core. If you are watching this Bentley, F*** YOU!” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, people.

While Ashley simmers down, the other men are in their  hotel room, reading the first date card: “Lucas, let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Ashley”

lucas & ashley’s date

1) An outright display of rage and dramatics is a tough act to follow, and Lucas’ date struggles from the get-go. The pair walk along a few streets, watch some dragons dance, and it’s super boring.

2) Things start to get a little more interesting when they hop onto a boat. “Do you think I’m the type of girl you would date?” asks Ashley. “Absolutely not, I’m just here for a sweet boat ride,” says Lucas. They both chuckle. Way to avoid the question, you sly dog.

3) Lucas opens up and tells Ashley about the love of his life and the moment he realized that she was a fugly slut and decided he didn’t want her anymore. “I mean…you don’t have to talk about this…” says Ashley.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

The group date card arrives: “Let’s get our hearts racing”

Everyone is called on the date except for JP. BOOM.

group date

1) Ashley greets the men on a beach and informs them that they will be dragon boat racing. They are split up into teams of two and are ordered to walk around and recruit a few locals who can help them row the boats.

2) Team Ryan and Blake immediately locate a local named Domino and have him translate for them.

3) Ames strikes gold when he finds a real-life dragon boat racer. The athlete gets on his iphone and texts all of his team members.

4) Ben and Constantine find zero recruits, but they aren’t worried. They shimmy into red silk robes and hop into their dragon boats.

5) Naturally, the dedication that it takes to be a true scholar is the same that is needed to win a dragon boat race, so Ames comes out the victor. He and Mickey are awarded a trophy and everybody rests on the beach and squints out onto the horizon, searching for Ben and Constantine, who are still lost out on the deep blue sea.

6) At the after party, Ames takes Ashley by the  hand and leads her into an elevator. After his boat racing victory, he’s kicked back a few drinks and loosened his tie. Put him in, coach, he’s ready to get off the bench and play the game. He grabs Ashley and starts to kiss her. We’re all on the same page as Ashley when she exclaims, “Wooaah Ames, where did that come from?!” Who knew this nerd was such a sensual beast?

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The date card arrives for JP: “Let’s take a peek into our future”

Oh, no. Is there a Hong Kong version of Vegas? Run, JP. Run.

Back at the date….

7) Ben is looking dapper in a yellow sweater. He kisses Ashley and then tells the camera that he’s decided he’s falling in love with her. NO, Ben. Save yourself for me.  

8. Ryan and Ashley sit down for a chat. Mid-sentence he grabs her hand and kisses it. She stares at him. “Sorry, I just felt that,” he says. Yikes. “I would love for you to meet my family,” he says. Then he playfully sticks his tongue out. I wish I were lying.

To the amazement and surprise of every viewer, Ashley runs off to fetch the rose and bestows it upon Ryan. His reaction? “SHUSH!!” Come on, girl. You can’t be serious.

Could you love this face?

Ashley & jp’s date

1) “She makes me feel alive,” JP tells the camera. The couple sit down to a steak dinner and pour themselves shots of sake. JP tells Ashley that he can see himself getting down on a knee in the near future.

2) Ashley begins to clutch her heart, as usual, and sweats a little. “What’s wrong?!” JP wonders. “I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s really hard,” says Ashley. “Basically, I was in love with Bentley a day ago.”

JP takes this news rather well. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he’s really disinterested by Bentley (which is refreshing, to say the least) so he just shrugs it off and thanks Ashley for being honest with him.

What a man.

3) After dinner, they hop onto the Hogwarts Express and watch the scenery rush by. JP gets behind her and kisses her neck. Is anybody else going weak at the knees? Oh, wow.

4) Their next stop is a rooftop where they dance to unidentifiable instrumentals and JP tenderly kisses her. Okay, I’ll give it to him. JP is perfect.

Cocktail party // rose ceremony

1) Ashley looks much like Tinker Bell in a sparkly mini dress with her hair pulled back in a top knot. Watch out though – under certain lighting, all of the men and America’s viewers alike get a full view of her thong and butt cheeks. That dress is a taaaaad see through, dear girl.

2) Sadly, displaying her toned tush does not get her out of trouble with the men when she explains to all of them that she had Bentley flown in because she thought she was in love with him mere hours ago.

For a minute, the men are silent. They shoot each other looks to confirm that they are all on the same page. Lucas gives Constantine the nod that he should begin the attack.

An enraged Blake gives Ashley a murderous look and awaits his turn to attack.

Constantine: “Everything that you’ve told us is a lie. You said that the past was behind you, but that’s clearly contradictory because you brought that idiot back here.”

Lucas: “Beezy move, Ash. Why didn’t you get this ‘closure’ earlier? We’re putting a lot on the line to be here, this is a joke!”

Blake: (snickers) “You claim you had such a strong connection in such a short amount of time. Well, it must have felt good to see him again, huh.” (rolls his eyes and kicks back the last of his drink)

Ashley excuses herself to go cry it out. I can’t say I entirely disagree with the men, but it is sad to see little Tink cry.

3) The men continue to bash her behind her back. JP sticks up for her. Ryan goes to comfort her. Constantine becomes the leader of the rally against her:  “Men. We have been wasting away in hospitals with concussions (Ames shuffles his feet and looks away). We have traveled over oceans for her. We have trained in ancient martial arts. Only to waste our time!”

“YEAH!” the men roar.

Woah woah woah….where are the swords and spears? This conversation is on the brink of becoming a medieval riot.

4) Ashley talks to Ames. She asks him how he felt about her Bentley speech. He strokes his chin and answers, “I suppose we would prefer our fairy tales to be simple. But life isn’t as simple as we would hope. In fact, that’s why it’s beautiful.” Can we get this guy a robe and call him pope? A crown and dub him king? A wizard hat and name him Dumbledore? Hell, a cape and call him batman?! What a hero. What a wise sage.

5) Meanwhile, Lucas looks like this.

6) Blake pulls Ashley aside for a chat. He basically says the worst things he can think of while making terribly sassy facial expressions and drinking scotch. She cries again.

7) Mickey sits down with Ash and gives her the stank eye. “I honestly feel lied to,” he says. “Why am I even here anymore? You need to send me home.” Ashley promptly obliges and Mickey rides off in a boat.

8. Once again, Harrison has to sweep in and save Ashley’s sanity.

Ashley: This is so hard.

Harrison: (stares and blinks for a few seconds) “Well, this path is different for every person, and for you it’s just not easy for obvious reasons. Look at your choices. You basically just told all of the men that you fell in love with the closest thing to Satan walking this earth. Can you understand how playing second fiddle to the definition of evil would kill a man’s pride? Yeah, thought so. Now get out there and get rid of Blake, we both know he’s not for  you.”

9) Ashley heads out to the rose ceremony and looks over her men. Ames is an obvious choice for a rose. In addition to surprising us with his impressive demeanor, he’s dressed to the nines in white slacks and a navy blazer with a red tie. That’s right, Ames. You can rock the nautical look from the waist down and the politician look on top. You’re both leisure and business – a renaissance man.

10) Blake peaces out but oh, don’t worry, folks. We haven’t seen the last of him. Blake will be starring in the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.

Next stop: Taiwan.

-V

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The madness continues

I think I speak for all of us when I say that Ashley has swiftly taken the title of dumbest bachelorette in the  history of this show. This woman has fallen in love with a person who would literally bathe in urine, and who knows what other vile excrements, before even dreaming of dating her.

We get it, Ash. You aren’t over him. But we sure are. So do us all a favor and stuff a cork in it or just leave the show, one of the two. I’d be happy to just watch JP and Ben F. for the rest of the season,  your presence isn’t really required. And while we’re on the subject of Ashley’s mental state, I find it appropriate to list a few of the occurrences that have happened, without fail, in every single one of the episodes so far:

  • Ashley has an emotional breakdown because she feels ugly/underappreciated/inadequate.
  • It is storming/raining outside, which is symbolically appropriate.
  • Ryan has to tell Ashley that she is pretty because he seems to be one of the few who thinks so.
  • Ashley mentions the cursed name of Bentley a minimum of fifty times.

Needless to say, homegirl has issues. Let’s recap how those very issues revealed themselves in Monday’s episode.

The men have been transported to Chiang Mai to continue their journey to love. According to Ames, world traveler and graduate of every ivy league school in North America, Chiang Mai is the most romantic city in Thailand, due to its majestic temples and thousands of…monkeys? Thanks for the info, A.

Harrison is waiting for the men in front of one of those very temples. Wait, no. That’s a hotel. And the men get to stay in a private villa. “Check it out boys,” Harrison says with a smug smile and the men tear past him to explore their new digs.

Meanwhile, Ashley is walking along the streets of Chiang Mai in heels and what appears to be one of Bentley’s old button up shirts and a belt. “I’m coming from a dark place,” she says. “I’m hoping that being in this romantic city will get me back on my feet.”

Look at your life. Look at your choices. Go put some real clothes on.

Back at the villa, Harrison is bringing the men back down to reality with some harsh news. This week, there will be a two-on-one date, and whoever doesn’t get the rose will be sent packing back to the U.S. post-haste. “Here’s the date card. You can try to enjoy your time here, but I wouldn’t get too comfy,” Harrison says over his shoulder as he struts away. Don’t go,  Harrison. Don’t go. ….I love you.

The date card reads: “Ben F., let’s fall in love in Chiang Mai”

As good as done. “There is a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today,” says Ben.

Ben & Ashley’s Date

1) Ashley and Ben are appropriately decked out in matching outfits for their date. They jump into a vehicle that appears to be a cross between a bus and a rickshaw and head out for some shopping.

2) After shopping, they happen upon a temple. The two sit on a bench, hold hands and stare at each other. “Thanks for coming,” says Ash. “Thanks for…having me.” says Ben. Okay, so he’s a little awkward but I find it adorable.

Ashley: “You know, you can’t kiss me  here because it is such a sacred place”

Ben: “Ooooo, that’s gonna be hard” (sweat begins to trickle down the sides of his face)

Ashley: (inches away from his lips and breathing heavily) “Yeah I know…let’s go offsite to kiss, okay? But for now, let’s have a mental kiss.”

Ben: “Oooo yeah I like the sounds of that.” (said breathlessly)

One would think that this whole exchange was very sexy and seductive. But….have a look at Ashley’s face. I’d say she’s a taaaad too eager and slightly terrifying.

The definition of sex-crazed. Calm down, girl. The fantasy suite isn't for another couple of weeks.

3) Ashley to the camera: “There’s so much tension, I just want to jump on him [growls]….I can only imagine what tonight is going to bring.”

…..did Ashley just…growl?

4) Ashley thought it appropriate to dress in a floral patterened, capri-pant romper for their dinner date. Pretty much the opposite of sexy. Pretty much something my grandma would wear. This may have contributed to why it took Ben until the end of the date to actually lay one on her. He felt weird kissing someone who looked like grammie in her gardening gear.

5) While the two are having dinner, an asian man in stockings kneels down to pour them wine. This sparks conversation about how Ben got into the wine business. Saying his company came from humble beginnings would be an under statement. He was inspired to become a wine maker when he and his best friend began making wine in middle school. They were able to make quite a profit selling their product to fellow classmates after school and to shady single moms. Kids do the darndest things.

Meanwhile, back at the villa….

The group date card arrives: “Love is worth fighting for”

Everybody gets called on the date except for Ben C. and William. This means that they have been selected for the two-on-one date.

Back at the date…

6) Ben is explaining to Ashley that he wants to spoil his wife and to throw parties for her and her friends. All of this sounds ideal, so Ashley is more ready than ever to kiss him. Suddenly, they find themselves surrounded by belly dancers and fire throwers. Bad choice, abc producers. What you needed to do was have surprise guest Michael Buble show up and start crooning a classic tune to get them in the mood. Once again, poor date planning on your part.

7) Just when every viewer across the country has begun to think that the date has gotten way too awkward for the couple to comfortably have a makeout session, Ben leans in for the kiss. Passion explodes between he and Ashley, much like the fire exploding from a nearby flame thrower’s mouth. What a poetic image.

Group Date

1) The men are decked out in athletic gear as they walk up to Ashley. She informs them that they will be training in muay thai, a martial art designed to destroy brain cells, vital organs and a man’s pride.

2) The guys are led to a training facility, where muay thai masters force them to sweat off all of the booze they have been consuming throughout the show thus far.

3) While many of the guys are spitting up blood and doing push ups with Ashley sitting on their backs, Ames is giving out diplomatic handshakes to the trainers and making a mental note to write out  a flash card for  his  quiz bowl collection titled “muay thai”.

4) A trainer, disgusted by Ames’ lack of aggression, forces him to practice kicking. Poor Ames falls right on his butt, marking the first blunder in a downward spiral of physical trauma.

5) After rigorous training, the men are offered fighting uniforms and led to a boxing ring. “It’s onnnn,” growls Ryan.

Really, Ryan? Are you able to stop thinking about rainbows, unicorns and how lucky you are not to be a soldier fighting overseas long enough to actually hit someone?

6) The fights begin. The men aren’t pulling any punches and friendships are being broken.

Seriously...where's raincoat guy when you need him?

7) Mickey v. JP: Mickey beats the crap out of itty bitty JP and Ashley is near tears in the audience. Ryan is laughing. JP decides that he has had enough. Much like the little engine that could, he makes a huge comeback and wins the fight. Thata boy.

8. Ames v. Ryan: Well, we all can guess how this one will end. Ames’ delicate days holed up in the library studying ancient hieroglyphics under a magnifying glass haven’t prepared him for this. He takes a couple hard hits to the head, the crowd goes silent, and he staggers out of the ring.

9) The next fight begins and Ames is sitting in an open-mouthed daze. The world is beginning to blur around him. Ashley runs to get help and he is quickly escorted to a rickety ambulance, in which he is jostled around so much he receives concussion #2.

10) At the after party Ashley is wearing yet another romper and is in yet another bad mood. As usual, she’s feeling insecure and ugly.

11) Ames shows up and tries to talk to Ashley but he’s still feeling a little dizzy. “They tested me at the hospital and they said that I’m completely in love and that I have a mild concussion.” …..Okay, that was adorable. That cancels out him going to the hospital. He still needs to man up though. 

Meanwhile, back at the villa…

The two-on-one date card arrives: “Guide me to love. Love, Ashley.”

“*Bonus: A message from Harrison – Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.”

….I just got goosebumps, did anybody else?

the dreaded two-on-one date

Two dudes. One girl. It’s not gay.

1) Ben C., Ashley and William head down a river on what appears to be a piece of drift wood, Huck Finn style.

2) William pulls Ashley aside for a chat. “I’m not trying to throw Ben under the bus or anything, and when I say that I mean I’m completely throwing him under the bus, but…..he’s not into you. He told us guys that he wants to do online dating.”

3) Ashley is appalled and disgusted. She sends Ben C. home immediately, without remorse. William smiles to himself.

Who's a weasel? This guy.

4) An elephant ride later, Ash and William are sitting down to dinner and barely a minute passes before Ashley says, “There’s no spark between us. You’re a terrible person. Please leave now.”

BOOM. Roasted.

Rose ceremony

1) Ashley starts out the night on a great note: She tells all of the men that they most likely won’t fall in love with her.

2) Everybody is kinda confused and are beginning to wonder why they should try to fall in love with a woman who doesn’t even love herself. Constantine pipes up and admits that he can’t really envision himself being with her.

3) Ashley tries to mingle with the men but something is holding her back. Oh wait let me guess…she can’t keep her mind off of Bentley. Ding ding! Ten points to Gryffindor, we’ve got it right. The woman is insufferable.

4) Somebody, dear God, please hit her. Just one swift slap across the face. Use the back of your hand if you must. Harrison sits down with her yet again for a chat.

Harrison: “Are you okay?”

Ashley: ” I have to be open and honest. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about something . In order to move forward I need to put this in the past. I know you are gonna hate me but, it’s Bentley.”

Harrison: “You’re right, I do hate you. So does everybody else at this point. But I’m going to try to help you, because I’m gracious and the perfect man.”

Ashley: “Thank you! My head tries to forget about him and my heart goes back to him. In times of comfort, I go back to him. That’s not normal.”

Harrison: (said with a dead  pan stare) “Nope. It’s not. What can I do to make this stop. You are being unfair to everyone here.”

Ashley: “I just want to talk to him and ask him a few questions”

Harrison: (holds back a strangled scream of rage) “Well, I guess you haven’t noticed this but, we’re halfway around the entire world. You know, as in, the other side of the planet? But that’s fine. I’ll do what I can to make this madness come to an end. Now shut up about Bentley and go give out some roses, I’m officially done with you for the night.”

5) Ashley sends soul-patch guy home.

Next week: The group is in Hong Kong, Bentley returns and the men are enraged.

P.S. I recently found this little treasure…

Since Ames dropped the ball on their date, Ashley resorted to having a crew member recreate the famous Titanic scene with her. Reaching new lows, per usual.

-V

Team Ben F.

Compared to the scandal of Bentley‘s departure last week, Monday’s episode fell short in the drama department. Although the show featured many moments that were yawn-worthy, a few things presented themselves that were notable. Among them being the fact that Ashley’s forehead is as large as Ames‘, noted due to her hair being constantly wet and slicked across her massive noggin throughout the episode. Are Ashley and Ames a match made in heaven? They’ve got matching foreheads and matching (kinda) names…only time will tell. Until then, let’s dive into the recap.

The men are assembled and ready to receive Harrison’s weekly announcements. They are all super chummy with one another and this makes Ryan a tad uneasy. “At some point, the man claws are gonna come out,” his voiceover says. “It’s gonna be dangerous.” Little does he know that he himself will be the recipient of man-claw wounds, due to a ridiculously sunny attitude. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Harrison rubs his hands together and takes a long look at the motley crew before him. “I think you’ve all realized by now how serious Ashley is about all of this. And if any one of you are anything like he-who-must-not-be-named, I will personally slaughter you and feed you to the millions of housewives who watch this show. Now go pack your bags. We’re heading to Thailand. That is all.”

The men erupt into guffaws of excitement and immediately begin to fist bump, chest bump and kiss each other.

Meanwhile, Ashley is already on the beaches of Phuket, Thailand. As she sashays along the water in tiny red shorts and a bikini top, she dreams of Bentley. “While I’ve been in this beautiful place, I’ve often closed my eyes and wondered how it would be if he were here,” she says. Well, it would be real sucky if he were there, Ash. Take our word for it.

Deciding that she’s had enough nostalgia for one day, Ashley gets her act together and begins planning her dates. Cue the asian music and wide shots of waterfalls. There is so much to explore, so many men to seduce, and so little time to fall in love. Ash’s personal event coordinator Annie has practiced her English for months in preparation of her television debut. Annie gives some great advice for date locations and then Ashley is off to greet the men. She gives the first date card to Constantine:

“Let’s see Phuket together”

Constantine & Ashley’s Date

1)  Ashley has a great date planned. She and Groban are going to take a boat out to a private beach! Just as they are preparing to depart, a native in a raincoat runs up to them. Speaking rapidly in a foreign tongue, he makes several hand motions. Somehow, the couple is able to decipher from this that a hurricane is coming. No amount of true love is worth death by drowning, so they decide to head inland for the duration of their date.

2) Groban soon gets bored of window shopping and trying on scarves, so he suggests talking with the locals because, why not? They grab a random teenager and have her translate for them as they talk to an old man about the secrets to a successful marriage.

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

The men are discussing Groban’s possible demise. “I’ll be honest,” says JP, “I hope the date is awful and he doesn’t get a rose.” It appears as though the man claws that Ryan spoke of are beginning to reveal themselves.

The group date card arrives: “Let’s make the world a better place” 

Everyone was called on the date except for Ames. The men try to keep from punching him smack dab in the forehead.

Back at the date…

3) In the spirit of fun love and spontaneity, the couple sprint down a side street together and giggle like school children. Ashley feels as though Groban is helping her gain some of her heart back. You know, the parts that were lost when Bentley left. Just in case you forgot about that guy. Because she’s not over him yet, in case you haven’t gathered that from the fifty references she’s made to it so far.

Just a couple of young kids living life to the fullest on the dreary streets of Phuket.

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

The men discuss the fact that they are all going after, and I quote, “the same piece of fruit”. What began as a civil chat takes a turn for the worse when each man decides to share the intimate details of their relationships with Ashley.

Man 1: Don’t want to cramp anybody’s style but…I kissed her on our date.

Man 2: Wait…what?! I kissed her.

Man 3: No way! I kissed her like five times.

Man 1: Um…what. You of all people kissed her? You’ve got to be joking…

Clearly, these guys have never seen a bachelor/ette season before.

Back at the date….

4) Ashley debates giving the date rose to Groban. “You really got me back on my feet during this date,” she tells him. “Even though I’m still in love with Bentley and you could never hold a candle to him, try as you might, I will go ahead and grant you this rose.”

Group Date

1) Ashley brings the men to an orphanage and informs them that they will be fixing it up for the children that live there. JP is near tears. It speaks volumes to him that Ashley would rather help children than booze it up on some boat off of the coast of Phuket, which would be typical of this show.

2) While the men are painting and assembling bunk beds, Ryan makes his way from room to room, critiquing their work and giving out orders. I’m beginning to sense some man claw damage in that man’s near future.

3) In one of the rooms, Ben the wine maker is hard at work. He claims that he “can’t paint” but creates a top-notch elephant mural. Ashley is so attracted to his compassion and/or art skills that she rubs her painted hands all over his chest. Geeze, hope that wasn’t his best American Apparrel tee.

What a stud.

4) After revealing the newly improved orphanage to the children, the group heads to the after party. Ben is feeling pretty confident because he can wield a paint brush like no other man Ashley has encountered. He’s talking to Ashley about their day together at the orphanage and mid-sentence goes right in for the kiss. I must admit, that moment made my heart skip a beat. I think I just switched teams. GO TEAM BEN! (William is a joke anyway, no pun intended)

5) Ashley has some alone time with Ryan. She tells him that it is very important to her that her relationship has a strong physical connection. “I get along well with guys,” he replies. Yikes?

6) Ashley pulls JP aside for some alone time. “So…when’s my next date gonna be?” he asks. “OMG, our last date was so bad, I totes fell asleep on your chest,” she says. “I was at my lowest point after Bentley, the love of my life, left me.” for some reason this doesn’t phase JP at all  – he’s in the mood for a makeout session. He chucks the umbrella over his left shoulder and pulls Ashley in for some intense lip locking.

“JP’s kisses are magical,” Ash tells the camera.

When they are done sucking face, JP takes Ashley in his arms and attempts standing up while holding her like a child. His legs buckle under him like a newborn calf and they both collapse to the ground. Wow, JP. Just, Wow. She weighs 5 pounds, are you serious?!

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

Ames receives his date card: “Ames, it’s more romantic in the rain. Love, Ashley”

Back at the date…

7) Ashley grabs the rose to present to her favorite man of the night. Before she gets a chance to speak, Ryan interrupts her and asks to speak to her outside. Murder flashes in every man’s eye. Is it man claw time yet?? I’m sick of waiting around, I want the alleged man claws to reveal themselves and for a gruesome battle to ensue!

Despite Ryan’s last-ditch efforts to gain the rose, Ashley grants it to Ben. Well deserved.

Ames & Ashley’s Date

1) Ashley is waiting for Ames on a pier. He runs toward her barefoot and looks extremely awkward. Oh, Ames. This is gonna be a long date.

2) They get on a boat and head toward the mountains. “I feel like we’re on the Titanic right now!” Ashley exclaims as she thrusts her arms out from her sides. Ames misses the cue to get behind her and reenact the famous romantic moment between Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio. Ames is no good.

This could have been you, Ames. Gettin real close and personal. But you blew it.

3) They switch the boat for a canoe and paddle into the mouth of a cave. It’s mighty twisty and turny in there and Ames is quick to compare the contours of their watery course to the elements of romantic relationships. “Navigating this cave is just like navigating a relationship – around every corner, you don’t know what to expect!” Ames says. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a modern-day Descartes on our hands.

4) The pair paddle up to the shore and break out a picnic. The silence is deafening as they munch on their food. Just as the date is about to breach new levels of awkwardness, Ashley breaks the silence by asking Ames about his dating history. It turns out that this guy is known for his spontaneity. He asked a girl out in a shoe store once. Never mind the fact that he was in the women’s section of a shoe store. Let’s focus on the fact that he’s bold and daring.

5) Later, at dinner, Ames takes charge of the conversation and Ashley likes it. “I really am impressed by you, Ashley,” he says. “I think you’re funny and you tell good jokes and I’m actually going to go ahead and give you this rose…oh wait. I forgot. You’re supposed to do that. My bad, got carried away.”

6) Ashley decides that Ames is worth keeping around, despite the fact that he’s kind of boring and his front row of teeth may or may not be dentures. She had plans to send him home, but she grants him a rose.

THe cocktail party

1) Ashley means business. She sits all of the men down and interrogates them on their checkered pasts. She speaks with West and feels that she will never be able to fill the shoes of his late wife.

2) The man claws have officially come out and the result is quite anticlimactic and disappointing. After murmuring among themselves how deeply they hate Ryan, the men elect Blake to confront him. “Listen buddy,” says Blake, “We all hate you. You kind of suck. You’re way too happy and it creeps us out big time.”

Ryan can’t even wipe the smile off of his face for this brief and uncomfortable moment. Through a large grin he exclaims, “Really?….really. REALLY?! Really…”

Blake stares back at him. “Yes, really Ryan. Really. You get extremely intense and boisterous at times and, to be honest, it makes me nauseated. I literally get sick to my stomach watching you.”

Ryan confides in the camera: “This is just preposterous. Excuuuuuse me for not being Mr. Grumpy Pants all the time. My fault for being grateful that I’m not a soldier over seas risking my life every day. I’m so sorry for not enlisting in the army and joining in the war effort. MY BAD for being jolly at the fact that I’m not on the front lines.”

….wait….I’m confused. I mean, I support our troops and all but…when did this become a discussion about war?

3) Meanwhile, Ashley is having a sit down chat with Harrison. “I’m still in love with Bentley,” she says. “I don’t feel as though I have closure with the whole situation.”

“Will you ever get OVER IT?!” a bewildered yet composed Harrison asks. Were he a tad less of a man, he would take this opportunity to smack her across the face and knock her senses back into her head. But he is a perfect man. So he would never do such a thing.

4) At the rose ceremony, Ashley says goodbye to West and he is left with the bitter reminder of his wife’s death extra fresh in his mind and an empty heart. Oh, West. You should have known that you couldn’t fill the void of lost love with a reality television show. Healing takes place outside of a world in which 25 men live together and compete for the same woman’s lust/heart. But you know better now.

Next Week: A surprise visitor throws Ashley for a loop. Who could it be?! Stay tuned and cheers to the drama.

-V

Bye Bye Bentley

Friends and fellow fans, Monday night was an ugly affair. I blame Jeff. By unmasking the mystery of his face, he threw off the internal balance of the entire show. Seeing his wrinkled brow and sagging features left all of the men uneasy and might have contributed to William‘s temporary insanity, Ben‘s incessant and rapid talking and the abc producer’s inability to make good judgment calls for group date scenarios. As for Bentley, well, there’s no excuse.

The atrocities of things to come are never foreshadowed by Harrison’s dashing appearance as he strides into the mansion at the beginning of the episode. He informs the men that there will be a group date and two one-on-one dates. He whips a date card out from his back pocket, flicks it at the men and is gone.

The card reads: “Ben C., love strikes in a flash”

As Ben waits for Ashley to arrive, The Phantom begins to plot. He has made up his mind that he’s going to reveal his face, whether Ashley wants it or not.

Ben & Ashley’s Date

1) Ashley takes Ben to a dance studio, where she intensely rehearses choreography with him. Much like the wedding date in Vegas with William, it is lame. We are confused as to:
a) Why this would be fun for a first date
b) Why Ashley is constantly dancing on this show
c) Why this is even happening at all

Little did we know how important those early hours of the date were to the flash dance shenanigans to come…

2) After their rigorous rehearsal, Ash and Ben grab some frappuccinos and pop a squat on a blanket in a park. They might as well have been in a fish bowl because people are lined up along the perimeter of the park, taking photos and whispering behind their  hands. Huh. I wonder what that’s all about.

3) After a few minutes, Ashley exclaims, “HEY. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we do our dance right now?!?” Ben is bewildered. He stares confusedly into her face, searching for any sign that this may be a joke, but Ash is dead serious. “Come onnnn! Nobody is watching us!” she says as a camera flash goes off nearby.

4) After a few minutes of begging, Ben sucks it up and agrees to dance. They start to do their choreography in front of their audience of bystanders in dead silence. Viewers across America nervously await to hear the hint of a beat, a guitar string, a maraca, anything to end this painful awkwardness. Finally, the music starts and the crowd bursts in around them and dances along. Ben looks relieved.

5) Afterward, Far East Movement performs and the flash mob forces Ben and Ashley to kiss. Then, they head to a hotel rooftop to have dinner. Ashley wonders if the fun-loving Ben at the flash dance experience will be the same as dinner-on-a-rooftop Ben.

6) The couple sits down and Ben immediately begins to talk. “Iwanttoliveinanunrealisticbubbleandiwanttoblowuptherooftheskyisthelimit.” Ashley stares wide-eyed with a frozen smile and waits for her brain to catch up with her ears….what is this man saying?!

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…

The group date card arrives: “Make me laugh”

Bentley gives a wicked smile to the camera. “Ashley’s diggin what I’m puttin out and I’m gonna go in for the kill. ”
….is he going to literally murder her? I wouldn’t put it past him and I am concerned.

Back at the date…

7) Ben is still talking. “I want to marry someone who makes me feel what real love is. If we were dating in real life right now, I would totes text you and throw some emoticons in there.”

Ashley smiles and reaches for the rose.

“ohtherosethat’srightit’sthereohgoshidon’tevenknowwhattothink!”

Ben. Take a breath. And shut up, please.

Rose status: Granted

group date

1) The men are waiting for Ash to come pick them up and The Phantom is doing what he does best, brooding on a balcony. When she arrives, he grabs her and takes her outside for the reveal of his face. “I think it’s time to do this. I have developed feelings for you,” he says. Ashley looks very confused because she has literally never spent time with him…. unless you count when he pulled her into a shadowed corner in the stairwell in the last episode.

2) He takes off his mask. The camera pans to a hawk, soaring above. Then to a….squirrel? Holding a cracker?! “Hi. I’m Jeff,” he says. The camera zooms in on the beady and judgmental eye of the squirrel, still clutching the stolen cracker. Then to the hawk’s piercing glare.

……What?!

Ashley studies his face. Her conclusion? “He’s old.”

3) Unphased by the dramatic reveal of a failed mystery, Ashley skips back into the mansion to gather the men and head to the date. She takes them to a comedy stage and they are informed that they will be “roasting” her, aka ruining her life, in front of a live audience. Clearly, the abc producers have been jonesing for an opportunity to play on Ashley’s insecurities.

4) Most of the guys’ tummies hurt at the thought of poking fun at Ash. They are more than a little nervous and aren’t sure what to do. Only one man is practically writhing with glee at the idea of sucking the life from Ashley.

5) William grins from ear to ear as he explains to the other men that he’s always wanted to be a comedian so this is perfect for his career. He can’t wait for this to open doors to him roasting celebrities in a few short months. “This is my opportunity to finally be real with Ashley, and Oh, I’m gonna be real.” I think  he’s caught a case of the Bentley.

4) The show begins, and Ashley sits in the throne of despair. The roasting begins. Ryan tries to make fun of Bentley but nobody laughs. Ames makes a paper mask and everyone busts their guts in hysterics. Jeff makes fun of Ashley’s small boobs. And then….William.

Poor Ashley is excited to see William perform. She had the best first date with him and he knows her better than all the men do. He whips out his first joke: “I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal, who both have bigger boobs and are much hotter, but we got Ashley. Oh well.”

The audience gasps in horror and shock. The men shuffle their feet and fidget. Ashley desperately holds back tears.William laughs at his own joke and keeps going. “This wasn’t compliment Ashley night,” William says as he rolls his eyes. “It’s a Fing roast.” Nice, Will. Throwing in profanity always makes you look better in a terrible situation.

Roasted Ashley, holding her heart in pain.

I know I’ve dubbed many dates the worst date ever, but this literally beats all.

“Listen, I’ve got a great joke for everybody. Are you ready? I hate Ashley. Hilarious, right?!”

5) After the show, Ashley runs off to cry it out. Bentley sees this as a golden opportunity. “I hate it when people cry,” he says. “It’s really unattractive. But I’m here to get another rose, so I’ll do what it takes. Even if it means I have to hold back vomit at being so near to her. This is the perfect opportunity to mess her up psychologically.”

6) Ashley confesses that her biggest insecurity was that the men would be disappointed that she was the bachelorette instead of Emily. Bentley feigns surprise. “STOP IT!! You have everything. The body, the butt, the (holds back a gag) face…I mean, you have tiny boobs but they’re great….”

My jaw has hit the floor. This is the most evil man I have ever seen. Wes from Jillian’s season looks like a saint.
“Of the 25 guys here, at least 24 of them were excited that it was you,” hey says with a villainous smile.

7) At the after party, everyone is scolding William for his terrible form and misconduct that evening. He looks like he might throw up and that he truly regrets his behavior. He takes off running down a city street to reflect on his choices.

8. Back at the party, Ashley is in a daze. She is slightly aware of the fact that Jeff is explaining to her how he rescued a three-legged dog that was abused, but she can’t focus because of the emotional pain.

9) Ryan to the rescue. He says the perfect things: “Ashley, you are who I wanted here. I want to spend more time with you. I’m happy to be here with you. You are gorgeous.” He then goes in for the kiss. Well played, sir.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…

JP receives the next one-on-one date: “There’s no place like home. Love, Ashley”

Back at the group date…

10) Bentley rubs Ashley’s upper thigh and she confesses that she was warned about him by Crazy Michelle from last season. He denies the accusations and seduces her with his apparent charm, which nobody aside from Ashley can detect.

“If you left, it would destroy me,” Ashley murmurs. Bentley smiles.

heinous.

 

 GOODBYE BENTLEY

1) “I’ve been saying this from the beginning, her face is ugly,” Bentley tells the camera. “I need to be on the first plane back home, asap.”

2) Bentley says farewell to the men and they try to hold back the looks of joy on their faces. Their biggest competition is now eliminated. He feeds them the lie about missing his daughter.

3) “Emily is so breathtakingly beautiful. Ashley looks like an ugly duckling compared to her. I’m going to go make her cry, hope my hair looks good,” he says.

Ladies and gentlemen…this is not a roast. This is real life. This man is actually as sinister as he seems.

4) Bentley rolls up to Ashley’s house and tells her his rehearsed lie. “I miss my daughter more than anything,” he says as he strokes her face. “The thought of her wondering where her daddy is just kills me,” he whispers with tears in his eyes. This has just breached new levels of evil.

5) Call her crazy (and I will) but Ashley genuinely thought that Bentley was going to be her husband. She gasps for breath between bursts of tears nad anguish, “I don’t know how this is going to work for me now, I can’t just forget about you. I know I’m being selfish thinking that…I wish the end was like, tomorrow.”  A scream catches in my lungs at the thought. Are you serious, Ash?! You don’t like anybody else?? Maybe all hope is lost on this woman.

6) Bentley is beyond annoyed at having to hold a crying girl. It really grosses him out. He’d literally rather be swimming in and/or drinking urine, as usual.

“I kissed her neck and tried to turn her on a little,” he tells the camera with lazy eyes. “She wrapped her legs around me and we were in the perfect position to start something (begins making smooching noises), but then I looked at her face and I was like….nah.”

7) He finally leaves and Ashley drags herself into her bed and contemplates smothering herself in the pillows before facing a life without Bentley in it. “WHYYYYYYYY” she wails dramatically. “HOW CAN I DO THIIIIS?!” I can’t believe I’m saying this, considering that I love this show but, spare me the drama. Please.

Ashley & JP’s Date

1) Poor JP has the task of following up both the worst date in the history of this show and Bentley’s departure. Ashley waits for him to arrive and sits in front of the fire, dying from heart ache in vain. If only she knew.

2) JP shows up with flowers and is the most precious thing we’ve seen on the show so far. Ash feels too crappy to look cute so asks if they can get in their pj’s. JP just happens to have his plaid ones with him, so it’s an ideal situation.

3) JP and Ashley makeout and Ash admits that he is better than Bentley in the kiss department. BOOM.

rose ceremony

1) Ashley is tearing up just looking at Bentley’s photo. She stares at it for a good 30 minutes, so Harrison decides he needs to step in and lay the smack down, as he is accustomed to doing.

2) Harrison interrupts Ashley in her moment of despair by taking her by the elbow like a caring and unusually debonair father. He’s got some hard-hitting questions up his sleeve. “Let’s have a chat. What was it about this guy Bentley. I’m confused as to why you are freaking out right now.”

“I loved that guy,” Ashley says.

Harrison tries not to roll his eyes. “Are you sure you loved him, or just the idea of him? You confronted him about what Michelle said, did you not? And don’t you think she was right about him? I’m trying to drop you a hint, here.”

“Yes, but he left the relationship open-ended with a dot dot dot…”

Harrison almost chokes in  his attempt to hold back a snort of surprised laughter. “Don’t you know that’s what guys do?! WAKE UP, sweetheart.” Harrison clutches the arm rests of his chair to keep from shaking her. “If it were really open-ended he would have fought to find a way to come back. But he didn’t. He walked away. There are men here that will fight for you if you don’t screw it up.”

And with that, Harrison sends Ashley off to the rose ceremony, where she saves William for last to teach him a lesson and sends Jeff, The Phantom, home.

Next week: The Bachelorette goes to Thailand. See you then.

-V

#BadNewsBentley

It’s week 2 and time for Harrison to lay some truth on the men. From here on out, there will be group and individual dates. Ash will start to pick the men off one by one. Nobody is safe. Everybody should be scared.

The first date card reads:  “William, want to make a splash in Vegas? I do. Love, Ashley”

What could they possibly be doing? Swimming in a pool full of champagne? Nah, that sounds like something more up toasted Tim’s alley.

Before the men have time to digest the fact that William is probably going to win the entire season, Ashley has shown up, wearing a skin-tight dress and a leather jacket. Consumed by lust, the men stare open-mouthed and watch the pair zoom away in a convertible.

After Ashley and William have departed, the men shuffle back to the daily grind at the Bachelor mansion. Activities consist of:

  • laying by the pool
  • sitting on a chair/couch
  • drinking alcohol
  • making fun of Jeff, also known as The Phantom.

On this particular day, The Phantom has found it appropriate to wear a long sleeved shirt, a beanie and, of course, the ever-classy mask.

“I’ve taken the stealth approach,” he says. Apparently by ‘stealth approach’ he means that he will spy on his preythe fellow contestants from above and channel energy from a local hawk that seems to be flying around the set (camera zooms in for a close up of the hawk’s unwavering glare).

Ash & william’s date

1) The minute Ashley’s dainty foot hits the pavement in Vegas, she is surrounded by crazed Bachelorette fans. She and William are getting the star treatment, and William is eating it up. All seems to be going well until Ash leads him to a cake shop.

2) The pair taste wedding cakes, pick out a diamond ring and then head to a chapel….wait, wait, wait. What is happening?! Is this supposed to be funny? Cute?

3) William sits in the chapel and gulps as a minister approaches him. William’s voiceover explains that he is “EFFING scared.” You and me both, Will. It’s literally day 2 and this joke is the opposite of funny.

4) Thankfully, the date takes a turn for the better when the pair head out to the Bellagio fountains, where a romantic dinner awaits in the middle of the water. Abc producers seem to particularly enjoy setting people up in situations where there is literally no escape. It’s a good thing these two like each other, because they are trapped on an island the size of a dinner table.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…

The group date card arrives: “In sin city, boys will be boys.”

…no clue what that means.

Back at the date…

5) After bonding over the fact that both of their fathers were/are alcoholics, the fountains erupt, the two make out, and those who are creepily standing along the edge of the water and taking pictures cheer.

group date

1) Ashley is getting down to business in skinny jeans, heels, a high ponytail and a pink plaid shirt that is strategically tied up to expose her rock solid dancer’s abs.

2) She greets the men selected for this gem of a date and leads them into a theater, where a masked dance crew (the jabbawockeez) is performing. As the men squeal with joy over the urban flavor bursting from the performance, Ash sneaks off to strip down to a sports bra. She throws on a mask and dramatically emerges from the stage smoke.

She then performs approximately two body rolls. Talk about anti climactic.

3) After sweating it out onstage in her riveting performance, Ashley saunters down into the audience to announce the mission of the group date: Win Ashley’s heart in a dance-off.

4)  The men are broken up into two “dance crews” (and I use the term loosely). Each have 30 minutes to come up with a choreographed routine. The losers will be sent packing back to LA and the winners will perform in front of a live audience that night. And none of them can dance. So basically, it’s a lose lose situation.

5) Bentley’s team wins the dance-off, so his group gets to stay to perform. Ashley also performs. I would feel extremely gypped if I had been one of the unfortunate people who bought tickets to see the Jabbawockeez show and instead got an eye full of abc’s The Bachelorette, live. Buncha amateurs.

6) After the show, Ashley and the men hang out and Bentley gets some camera time. What a treat.

“She’s got an amazing butt and awesome legs…but her face is fugly,” he says. “I would let her tickle my (pickle? abc kept bleeping it out) but that’s about it.”

It seems as though Ash wouldn’t mind doing just that. In their alone time, She rubs his leg and whimpers, “If you have any feelings for me, please staaaayyyy.”

“I don’t know,” says Bentley. “My daughter  and my ugly pug dog that I enjoy to kiss on the mouth are holding me back right now. They need me. I might have to go home.”

“Nooooo,” whines Ashley. “Please please pleeeaaasse stay.” Her begging has passed the point of pathetic and, naturally, Bentley grins with satisfaction. This is all going according to plan in his mission to destroy her. She deserves this. How dare she be less hot than Emily. How dare she.

7) Shocker of the season: Bentley gets the date rose. Ohhhh Ashley. #lookatyourlifelookatyourchoices

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…

The next date card arrives. “Mickey and JP, Love is a gamble. See one of you in Vegas. Love, Ashley”

What a beezy. There’s an obvious choice for a date here, and it’s JP. But instead, she leaves it up to chance, the boys flip a coin, and spiky-haired Mickey emerges the victor.

Ash & Mickey’s Date

1) When Ashley sees that fate was on Mickey’s side, she can barely contain her excitement. “Mickey is gorgeous,” she tells the camera, “He’s better looking than I am!” Wrong, Ashley. Any semblance of hotness was destroyed by his pointy crown of hairs.

2) Much like Batman’s nemesis Two Face, Mickey and Ashley enjoy leaving their fate to chance. Should Ashley walk ahead or should Mickey, or should they walk side-by-side? Flip a coin. Should they hold hands? Flip a coin. Should he carry her in his arms like an infant or should she ride him piggy back? You guessed it, flip a coin. I’m not surprised by this pattern because, ironically, like Two Face, Mickey has spiky and untamed hair.

Mickey?? Is that you?!

3) Much like the rest of the men, Mickey has a sob story. His father has passed away and this nearly makes Ashley cry, but this is to his benefit. The more vulnerable she is, the more likely the chances are that she will make out with him.

4) The end of the date is nearing and it’s time for Ashley to decide whether or not Mickey will receive a rose. In consistent form, she decides to flip on it. Don’t worry, Mickey has good luck.

Cocktail party // rose ceremony

1) JP is pretty irked that he missed out on his chance for a date. Solution? Flip a coin for a kiss. I would advise JP to avoid taking up gambling because his luck leaves something to be desired. However, Ash takes pity on him and still gives him a good snogging.

2) Despite having already received a rose, William interrupts another contestant’s time with Ashley and promptly makes out with her. This stirs controversy that will likely come to a boiling point in the following weeks. Boys be crazy.

3) As Ashley and Will kiss, The Phantom spies on them from the rafters. He hops onto a hanging curtain and swings down to the lower level. Thunder booms in the background. Classic Phantom.

4) The men are talking smack about The Phantom and his weird mask. Little do they know that he is hanging on every word under the cover of a nearby shadow. Deciding  he’s had enough, he whisks off to collect Ashley. He guides her to a seat in a dark, cobwebbed corner of the stairwell.

5) Jeff clears the air about his alleged insanity. The truth is….well, yes. He’s certifiably insane. Through a series of unfortunate events, to include seizures and brain hemorrhages, he has lost both his short-term memory and his marriage. To say that this man has baggage is an understatement. As if the mask weren’t enough.

6) Meanwhile, Bentley is telling the camera about how much he despises Ashley. “I’d rather be swimming in pee than trying to plan a wedding with her,” he says with a smile. “She’s not my type. Why isn’t she Emily?!”

Despite wanting to upchuck at the sight of her face, Bentley decides to go seduce her. He lifts her in his arms – baby style, just how she likes it – and carries her to the hearth. He rubs her legs and butt (the only parts of her that he appreciates) and makes out with her.

When Bentley pulls away, Ashley goes limp and starts salivating. She can barely control her lust. She actually might have just fallen in love.

“That sucked,” Bentley tells the camera. “At this point, I would rather snort pee than have any more physical contact with this woman.”

7) For some reason escapeable to the faithful Bachelorette fans of America, Ashley decides to keep The Phantom on board. #lookatyourlifelookatyourchoices.

According to Chris Harrison’s blog, next week will be full of drama like never before. Bent breaks Ashley’s heart, who appears to have been in love, despite it only being week 3. Cheers to the drama.

-V

Guts and Nuts

I think a bachelorette contestant summed it up best with his impeccable use of rhyme during the season’s premiere. “It’s gonna take guts and nuts to do this,”  cried the muffled voice from the crowd of men as Ryan, an instant fan favorite, was the first to pull Ashley away for one-on-one time. It’s a treacherous game, but they all must play it…and we must ridicule them. Shall we begin?

The episode opens with a look back on Ashley’s track record with love/emotional breakdowns. I’ll spare you the gritty details and just provide a rough timeline:

  • Ash goes to a makeshift carnival in the woods.
  • Ash makes out with Brad.
  • Care-free dates ensue, to include a zip line ride, a car ride and a helicopter ride.
  • Ash cries by the pool.
  • Ash cries in the mansion.
  • Ash cries everywhere else.
  • Rejection in Africa

Despite being hopelessly in love and having her heart broken, Ashley found that her passion for the arts has helped her bounce back rather quickly. If it weren’t for black spandex and an empty theater, who knows what type of sniveling wreck she would have become.

That crying, blonde “fool” that we all came to know last season is no more. We are transported to Philadelphia, where a gazelle-like woman is jogging, chestnut locks flowing behind her. Ash has been upgraded emotionally, mentally and most importantly (in the world of reality television), physically.

It seems as though jogging isn’t her only pastime. Ashley keeps her body toned by dancing, dramatically and alone, in theaters. She also practices dentistry and teaches a hip hop class, which gives her that urban edge that every American loves to see in entertainment. This girl body rolls, booty dances and jogs around Philly like nothing you have ever seen. Her cup may be full, but it does not runneth over – she’s still in search of love.

Cue the music and pan over to the mansion, because here comes our dear friend and host, Chris Harrison. Harrison is back and ready to sit back and judge with the rest of us, but first, he’s introducing us to a few of the 25 men that Ashley must choose from:

Ryan

This modern-day hero wants nothing more than a better world. And love too, of course. He’s in the business of solar power and says that he is searching for the, and I quote, “light of my life, light of my soul…love that is brighter than the sun” Cheesy, but since you’re cute, I’ll roll with it.

Ames

Stats:
Schooling: 3 Colleges – Yale, Columbia, Harvard
Travel: 70 Countries
Fitness: 39 Marathons, 28 hours of nonstop running
Attractiveness: 0

Ben

Ben loves New Orleans. And on a scale of 1 to 10 of romantic-ness, he’s a 15 or 215. Because those numbers are pretty comparable.

Bentley

 Bentley is bad news bears. Strike one: he named his daughter “Cozy“. That should be enough of an indication. But I’ll go ahead and give a strike two: He has a pug dog, which he frolics with and kisses on the lips. Strike three:  He wishes the bachelorette were Emily and has plans to destroy Ashley. He’s out. Sexy or not, he’s a skeeze.

William

The unlucky soul whose dad was an alcoholic and who can’t use an umbrella. A personal fave. In addition to having an adorable smile, he seems to really like Ashley, so I think he’ll go far.

Ashley Meets the Men // The Cocktail Party

Before highlighting the wildest and most precious introductions of the night, I will first explain how a viewer is able to tell Ashley’s level of attracted-ness to a man, based on her initial reactions:

A timid and wavery “hi”
Translation: “Your face is ugly.”

A gasp
Translation: “You are dead sexy.”

A giggle, a “hello” and, often, an “Oh my God!”
Translation: “Totes into you. I can envision what our babies will look like.”

 

Introductions:

1) Remember Mickey? With the spiky tendrils atop his  noggin? He tries to kiss Ashley smack dab on the lips, but she recoils before he has the chance to slobber on her face. This doesn’t stop him from bragging about the fabricated kiss to  fellow contestants. What a weirdo.

2) West gives Ash a broken compass that is stuck on, you guessed it, West, and tells her to refer to it any time she’s feeling lost. Was I the only one who thought of Pocahontas?

Stop stealing ideas from Disney, West.

3) The Phantom of the Opera decided to leave the dungeons of an old French theatre to grace us with his presence on ABC television.

4) Benjamin the wine maker is absolutely adorable. He admits that he brushed is teeth at least 8 times that day and gives her a glass of wine that he made himself.

5) Some joke named Ryan (not the solar energy one) busts out his digital camera and takes a few pics of himself and Ashley. He then asks if he can get one with Harrison as well. Are you serious, Ryan?! I mean, no woman in America can blame you for having a crush on Harrison, he is perfection, but still. You’re supposed to be here for Ashley.

 

The Party & Rose ceremony

1) The Phantom is gliding around the party and freaking everybody out. Tim, a New York mob boss, is especially upset.

“I knew this would happen,” says The Phantom. “You put on a mask and people start thinking that you’re strange.”

Yeah. That, or the fact that you are peeking from behind every curtain in the room. But you’re right.

2) “I don’t want ya no where’s near me,” screams Tim. He sets up a throw pillow fortress around himself on the couch to protect himself from The Phantom’s advances.

3) William has a seat with Ashley and tells her that he’s in sales. “Sell me yourself,” says Ashley. This show is family friendly, so there was no actual selling of William’s body, as much as Ashley may have wanted it. Instead, he did a bunch of impressions and accents and he was adorable/hilarious. Big fan of William.

4) Ashley wanders outside to find Tim sitting on a couch alone and staring into nothingness. “Hey, Tim!” she chimes. Tim slowly turns and stares at her face with glazed-over eyes, grinning. “So…tell me about yourself, Tim…” Tim grimaces, squints, stares, smiles, drools, etc.

5) After Ashley walks away, Tim wanders back into the party. He spies The Phantom and asks him if he wants to dance. The men sit in circle around them and stare/laugh.

We manage to catch The Phantom saying, “With my poise, I am not intimidated,” before he whisks off behind another shadowed curtain. 

6) Later, Ashley comes outside again to find Tim wrapped in a snuggie and snoring on a couch. She tries to wake him but there is no rousing sleeping drunkie.

7) Ash enlists the men’s help and has toasted Tim dragged off of the property. They load his body into a shady black minivan and he is taken away. I sense a morning full of confusion and bewilderment in that man’s near future.

8. Ashley falls under Bentley’s spell.

9) Ashley admits to a contestant that she has always wanted to be called cupcake. Noted.

Coming up this season: Flashdancing, jet plane rides, an Asian battleship, Thailand, elephants, the Hogwarts Express, paper lanterns as seen in the newest Disney film Tangled, The Phantom dropping a deuce while reading a magazine, someone going to the ER and Ashley crying in her bed.

Stay tuned.

-V

Parting Ways

As you may or may not know, Brooke just graduated from college. I’ve smothered this blog with commentary on bachleor/ette scandals and shenanigans, but she’s the other half of this little operation. She’s put in her four years at MU and now she’s off, traveling the world and searching for her place in it. I’m so glad to have found a best friend in that sweet girl.

sophomore year

Despite being in different states, my hope is that this blog will continue to be a link between us. I’m actually hoping to live vicariously through her – she’s currently visiting Paris and Italy and I’m getting eaten alive by mosquitos here in the Missouri summer. But I’m not bitter.

I’m gonna miss ya. Here’s to our friendship, B-fierce!

-V