Hometown dates are among my top three favorite events of every bachelor/ette season. Why? Because you don’t quite know a person until you’ve met their family. Who would have known that Constantine was born from a legend of a man who most likely coined the term and invented “making it rain“? And who would have guessed that Ames grew up in a house that has bookshelves on literally every wall? Oh wait, we could have guessed that.
Despite his cultured upbringing and astonishing poise, Ames was sent packing this week. I must admit, it was sad to see him go. It took me a while to warm up to his abnormally large forehead, impossibly perfect and denture-like front teeth, and delicate nature, but I did start to like him. Let’s take a look back at the events leading up to his unfortunate departure.
This week, Ashley is visiting the hometowns of all of her suitors. While bustling around her apartment in preparation for her travels, she takes a look back on her relationships with each of the men. Her thoughts on each, in a sentence:
Ben: I love him and his long hair.
Constantine: He’s the total package.
JP: I feel secure and comfortable around him.
Deduce what you will from these statements but…she only used the word “love” in Ben’s description. Just sayin.
1) As if having the first name ‘Constantine’ weren’t enough, we discover that his middle name is Demetri. But, I’m actually fine with it, because it reminds me of this guy, who is hilarious and perfect.
2) Constantine takes Ashley to his restaurant and immediately puts her to work. After high fiving the cooks and snuggling with the waitresses, Constantine takes Ash to the kitchen, where he instructs her on how to prepare a pan pizza.
Making a pizza together definitely has the potential to be cute but…if I were Ashley, I’d much rather just sit on the counter and watch him make me a pizza because a) this is a date, I shouldn’t have to risk getting burned by a pizza oven before enjoying my meal b) cooking sucks and c) guys are sexy when they cook. But that’s just me.
3) After leaving the restaurant, they roll up to Constantine’s parents’ house. We can already tell it’s gonna be party time in no time because balloons and a ‘welcome home’ banner are strewn across the entrance. And because Constantine’s father is greek.
4) Constantine’s papa speaks to the camera: “Oh my boy, my son, my Constantine. Will he be happy spending life with scrawny, non-greek girl? Well…I don’t know.” Uh oh. Signs aren’t pointing to yes for a future engagement between these two. Because old foreign men are always right.
5) After a traditional greek feast, the family and Ashley are sitting in the living room when the front door suddenly bursts open and a flood of people rush in. Babies are sailing through the air and being caught all over the room, children are ducking under legs and squealing, middle-aged women are pinching cheeks left and right. Is this a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Nope. This is real life. Constantine’s family is AWESOME.
6) Well, it’s not a greek party unless there’s dancing. And unless there is money falling from the sky. The family gets into a circle and dances around the room. Before we realize what is happening, papa is standing in the middle and making it rain all over the place. It’s a good thing Ashley opted out of wearing one of her backless shirts/skin-tight booty shorts/anything else she typically wears because she’s tiny and can get away with it, because otherwise we would all assume other reasons for money being thrown at her.
1) “Ashley and I are like boyfriend and girlfriend,” Ames tells the camera. Oh, Ames. We forgive you for sounding like you are in 5th grade. Between a rigorous study schedule and drawing up theories of relativity to counter Einstein’s work in your spare time, you have understandably fallen behind in the dating scene.
2) Ames looks rather adorable in a plaid button up (always a good choice). He immediately whisks Ashley off to meet his family. Ames’ sister wastes no time in having a chat with the bachelorette.
Sister: “Are you comfortable with him?”
Ashley: “Well, Ames is very unique.”
Sister: “But do you actually like him?”
Ashley: “He’s unlike anybody I’ve ever met before.”
Sister: “Well, he’s amazing, just so you know. Not only is he ridiculously in shape, he’s also smart and he’s traveled the world.”
Sister: “But you know what, I wouldn’t expect you to understand him. He’s like an onion – you have to peel off all of the layers.”
Waaaaait a minute! Did anybody else catch that? She totally stole that line from Shrek.
Ames’ sister leaves Ashley to have a chat with Ames.
Sister: “I can see that you like what’s-her-name, which is beyond me, but anyway…I don’t think she’s into you.”
Ames: “According to what I’ve read and in conjunction with my personal studies, sister, love is a complicated and fickle creature. My original checklist of requirements for my mate included an education from at least 3 ivy league schools, a mastery of 3 to 4 languages and a deep appreciation for international cultures. After meeting Ashley, however, I have obviously thrown that checklist to the high winds. She may be ditsy and unappreciative of modest clothing, but she is energetic and I love her.”
3) Ames decides to kick the romance up a notch to convince Ashley to love him back. He takes her to a gathering of magnolia trees and it is possibly the most romantic setting for a picnic I have ever seen.
4) Ames tells Ashley that he went to boarding school and was a “bad student”. Yeah right, like we’re gonna believe that. He then starts to talk about extraordinary moments in ordinary life. ….Is that poetry? Is he quoting John Keats? Nope, that’s just Ames having every day conversation. What a guy.
He is way over Ashley’s head with all of his amazingness, so all she can do is stare and say “You are unlike any man I’ve ever met before.” Duh, Ashley. He’s a genius.
4) Ames takes Ashley on a horse-drawn carriage ride next and it looks straight out of a fairytale. I never thought I’d say this but….marry me, Ames?
1) Ashley finds Ben wildly attractive. “Everything about him screams sexiness to me,” she tells the camera.
2) Ben takes her to his winery and then takes her outside to sit on the damp porch of what appears to be an abandoned house while it rains outside. Alright, not his best idea, but he’s still Ben. So I’ll look past it.
3) Ben admits that he has only brought one girl to meet his mother before and that his past relationships haven’t lasted very long. “If my mom and sister don’t like you, you’re as good as dead to me,” he tells her. Harsh, but direct. I can dig it.
4) Ashley meets Ben’s mom and sister and the four sit down for dinner. Ben’s sister tells Ash that she signed Ben up for the show because she hated all the other girls he’s dated. She figured hooking him up with some rando who gets her mack on with a dozen other guys at the same time as him would be ideal. Sisters be crazy.
5) Ben has a precious conversation with his mom. “I want to model my relationship after you and dad,” he tells her. “Dad is looking down on you and he’s sayin ‘well done’, he is so proud of you,” says mom.
Uh…I just saw Harry Potter a few days ago, I don’t need to jump on yet another emotional roller coaster, folks. I can’t handle the man tears. I know I was just really into Ames a second ago but oh my gosh…..BEN.
1) JP takes Ashley roller skating. She acts all, “I’m gonna fall, I suck at skating!”, but then she skates circles around the rink like she was born on wheels. Not cute, Ash.
2) JP wipes out a good two or three times, which gives Ashley ample time to lay beside him and make out in the middle of the rink. Good thing he rented it out for the day, I’d hate to see a little tot’s birthday party ruined by such a display. Who needs Mtv when you’ve got The Bachelor to steal away innocence?
3) JP tells Ash that he’s had his heart broken, and that he’s been unsure of every other girl he’s dated. “How do you know you are sure about me, then?” asks Ashley. “I’m on a high when I’m with you,” he says. “When I’m without you I’m miserable and it sucks. I don’t want to be without you.” …..somebody pregamed for this date by watching Titanic and got in a real sappy mood.
4) The couple arrive at JP’s mom’s house and mom grills JP on his feelings for Ashley. “Are you in love with her?” asks mom. “Uh…I mean, there are signs pointing toward it but I’m having difficulty saying yes.”
I’m surprised by this. After JP’s behavior last week (do we all remember the temper tantrum?) I was expecting him to fully admit that he’s fallen for Ash. Interesting.
5) The date is ended on the best note possible. Mom pulls out a poster-size photo of JP as a child. Was JP a character on an 80’s TV series?! The mullet. The tie. The striped shirt. It’s all just too good.
1) I was expecting either Ames or Constantine to go home. Since Ames left this week, she better send Constantine home next week. Seriously.
2) Poor Ames looked so bewildered when his name wasn’t called, I actually felt like crying a little. Despite being devastated, he exits the show gracefully. Ashley sits with him on a bench and he says “I’m lucky to have had you in my life. I’m composed all the time, but now I don’t know what to do…This has been totally beautiful and full of the unexpected and even more poetic than I could have ever imagined.”
Um…you are more poetic than we could have ever imagined. Dang, boy. Ames for the next bachelor? We can hope. In the meantime, we’ll keep our eyes peeled for him on the next season of Bachelor Pad (premiering Monday, August 8).
Next Week: The final 3 go to Fiji and, should they choose to forgo their individual rooms, will be able to join Ashley in the Fantasy Suite. Can’t wait.