Tag Archives: Bachelor

The Men Tell All

I just have one thing to say about last night’s Men Tell All show: Ryan better not be the next bachelor. Seriously, abc. For real. The man prepared for this season by reading books about how to fall in love. As if that weren’t enough, he made “extensive notes” about it. Then he scribbled away in his journal with what I imagine to be an elvin-like glee. He probably giggled incessantly while doing all of the above. I can’t handle a whole season of that insanity, I just can’t. If Ryan is our next bachelor, I’m done with this show.

Who am I kidding, I’ll still watch. But I will be severely perturbed to say the least. Cheers to tonight, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will Ashley choose? A slightly emotional and bald New York native? Or a scraggly-haired yet ridiculously charming wine maker? We find out tonight! Check back for my recap of the finale later this week.

Can't wait to see creepy-lookin jeweler guy Neil Lane again.

-V

Adios, Ali

Boom. Hometown Dates.

Gia

1) Gia was born and raised in New York. “I’m so excited to share with him my world”, she says. When Jake steps out of a cab on the bustling NY streets, he holds her like a baby. It’s their thing.

2) They go on a boat ride. Jake poses like the statue of liberty. They make out and try to document it by taking a million pictures.

3) “You’re the first guy that I’ve ever let my family meet. They’re pretty rough.” says Gia. If your brother’s spiked hair is any indication, I believe you sister.

4) Gia explains that her past boyfriend cheated on her with all of her friends. Jake assures her that he would never do that to her. “I’m a lover, not a hater. I don’t let the sun go down on a problem. No. I rise with the sun in an epic battle against domestic conflict.”

5) The couple meet Gia’s family at a restaurant. Donna (Gia’s mom) talks about her relationship with her second husband: [New York Accent] “We work togetha in the kitchen, an my husband always has my back. I need to know (punches palm) that you gonna have Gia’s back. Ya know…in case somebody comes around the block and tries to knife her for being too pretty.”

6) Momma Donna tells the camera: “When Gia hoits I think I hoit more than she does.” (hoits=hurts)

7) Momma Donna and Gia walk out to the sidewalk to have a little chat. Momma: “I think he loves you.” Gia bursts into tears. Momma says something about reaching for the stars and falling on the ground. Inspirational.

8. Meanwhile, back in the restaurant, Jake is being interrogated by the spiky-haired brother and stepdad. Jake nervously chuckles and says, “Well that’s ah, interesting ah, hair you got there sport!” (stepbrother threatens to spear Jake with his hair spikes if he ever hurts Gia).

Ali

1) Ali is giving Jake a tour of the San Francisco suburbs and Jake seems smitten. He kisses her on the cheek and asks to sit in her lap. Weird.

2) They grab some fall leaves, close their eyes and make wishes. Last I checked, wishes were made on stars or at fountains. Fall leaves is a new one, but for the sake of true love, I’ll roll with it.

3) Ali turns into Creeps McGee and says,”My grandmother’s spirit is hovering over us as we look at my town. I feel it.”

4) Ali takes Jake to her late grandmother’s house. “Grandma used to sense that I was coming home from school and would stand in the window. I feel her standing there now, staring down at you.” Jake gulps, terror stricken, and struggles to give Ali that stellar smile of his.

5) “I was my grandma’s live-in nurse when she was sick. The pair take a tour of G-ma’s old abandoned house. One solitary picture of G-ma stands on the mantle. The eyes follow the couple as they walk around the empty living room. (cue creepy music, abc)

6) “Walking with Ali through her grandma’s house…I felt the cold, stale whisper of death brushing against my skin. It was way creepy. Yet strangely intimate. And I feel good about it.” ….You would.

7) Ali: “I can tell grandma is smiling down on me right now.” Ali, let’s be real here…grandma came from a different time, she doesn’t believe in reality tv. Be honest with yourself.

8. The couple have dinner with Ali’s mom, brother and sister. The mother starts off the convo by admitting that she google searched Jake. And she liked the image results.

9) Jake asks Mom at a picnic bench in the backyard if it would be okay for him to “beg” Ali’s hand in marriage. He did not do this with Gia’s mom. Maybe because he was intimidated by Gia’s mobster-esque stepdad and brother??

10) Ali and Mom venture to another picnic bench to talk. I think that there are 20 picnic benches in their backyard. This is bananas.

11) Ali: “Mom, do you think that Jake and I will get married?” Mom: “My mother’s intuition tells me yes. Yes, you will have a ring on your finger at the end of this.” Mother’s intuition = mystical.

12) Ali and Jake sit on yet another picnic bench to talk. Ali: “If you asked me to marry you today, I would say yes.” Jake blinks. He fumbles around near his lap and we think ummm…wteff? a ring? is he pulling one out?! But no no. He is taking his gloves off so that he can passionately grip her face with his bare hands.

Tenley

1) Apparently, Tenley is from Newberg. Which is a great place to grow. According to the sign.

2) Ten runs toward Jake and he picks her up and she doesn’t wrap her legs around him. I respect that. Plus, her rainboots are adorable.

3) They take a little time to sip on some hot chocolate and wrap up in a blanket, and then leave the thermos and blanket for a homeless passerby to enjoy later. Tenley takes Jake to her dance studio. Tenley is suddenly in a little dancer dress and is saying, “I know that you’re passionate about dance…” wait, is he? Didn’t realize Jake was the ballerina type. After she has finished prancing and twirling around the room, Tenley tells the camera, “I gave him the inside of my soul when I danced for him.” …..ladies and gents, I think we’ve found the female version of Jake. Nobody could have put it any cheesier. Congrats, Tenley.

4) “I want Jake and I to be dance partners forever.” ….Nice.

5) We now venture to Tenley’s parent’s house aka the House of Tears. Everyone blubbers uncontrollably in this household.

6) Question: Was it just me, or was Tenley’s mom smokin hot?!

7) Big Daddy takes Jake upstairs for a chat. “So this was Tenley’s room when she lived here, and now it’s our den. Once she married that skank of a husband, we disowned her for a short time, but no worries, now she is back in our good graces.” Dad continues, “You appeared to be a man of integrity on the show and I turned to my wife and said, ‘I wish Tenley would meet someone like that guy’. Are you that guy that I thought I saw?”

“You know, sir, that’s me. I was raised to be a great man and here I am before you today. All-American, Plane steerin’, Ab-heavin’ sexiness. Enjoy the view.”

8. Dad and Tenley have a chat…and he starts crying.

Vienna

1) Vienna’s hometown is in a swamp. Complete with alligators.

2) Vienna is wearing a ripped shirt. She awkwardly straight-arm runs toward Jake. Seriously, her arms refuse to bend while she runs. It’s terrible. “I’m gonna show ya the alligators and the manatees” she says. Ohhhh yay.

3) The couple board the boat. The entire time they are riding on the boat, the movie Anaconda is in the back of my mind. I’m just waitin for that snake to come jumping out of that river and wrap itself around Vienna.

4) Vienna’s mom is  a former topless dancer. Enough said.

5) Chl♥e is there….and she is freaking ouuuuut.

6) Vienna and her dad wipe away each other’s tears. They are in love. “I love you so much ,OH MY GOD” exclaims Vienna as she grabs her own face in the agony that comes with loving someone too much.

7) Vincent (dad) takes Jake out to the garage. They lean over his motorcycle to discuss Vienna’s future.

dad (in a gruff voice): “I’ve always treated her like a princess and that’s how I expect her to be treated. She deserves it. If she wrecks every car you give her, buy her a new one damnit.”

Jake: “I’m really into her…I’ll treat her good.” Jake mirrors the way the dad talks and tries to sound tough.

8. Jake and Vienna go to Vienna’s bedroom to re-live high school really quick and makeout while daddy is in the other room. Jake notices something sparkling on her ring finger and asks what’s up. “Oh…my daddy gave me this ring,” says Vienna, “I’ll take it of when you give me one.” Hey Vienna…maybe you should marry your dad and save us all the discomfort of watching your infatuation with him.

9) Dad busts up in the room while the two are spooning. “Can we have a couple more minutes daddy, and then we’ll come right out” says Vienna. “Get 12 inches apart.” says Daddy.

The hometown dates are over. Everyone is back at a hotel reflecting/regrouping before the rose ceremony. Jake is in his room staring at a wall. Suddenly there is a knock on the door. It’s Ali. She decides that she’s gonna pull an Ed.

Wait wait wait….what is happening. Al, when you decided to come on the show, did you tell your boss the plan? Did you save up your vacation time and take off? Because that’s what you do. When you go on the Bachelor. Fyi.

Jake straight up tells Ali that there’s nothing that he can do to help her. She’s making this decision on her own. He sees her to the door and she gets halfway down the hallway before she realizes that she wasn’t dramatic enough earlier. She drops to the floor, sits indian style, and screams out her tears. Nice.

Rose Ceremony

1) Harrison has a sit down chat with Jake. They discuss the Ali predicament. “So Jake…what if you have her stay and then you end up saying ‘You know what, thanks for quitting your job, but you’re not the one’? Bite that off and chew on it, Jake. Chew it good.”

2) Jake: “Well Harrison, I’ve chewed on that possible scenario for a while and at this point…I haven’t been able to swallow it. I honestly don’t know how to digest this situation. ….did I take the analogy too far?”

3) The girls arrive for the ceremony. Vienna looks like a street corner hoe in that purple dress.

4) Jake takes his time looking over the pictures of the women. “I could definitely imagine Gia being my wife, but she’s from the hood and her mother reads witchcraft cards.” he says.

5) Meanwhile, out in the lobby, Ali is staring around with crazy eyes. “Hey Chris…can I talk to you for a second?” Suave Harrison offers Ali and arm and escorts her out of the room.

6) Ali goes and sits on Jake’s lap, cries, and begs him to propose to her right then and there. Jake: “I could absolutely see you as my co-pilot someday, Ali, but honestly I’m not comfortable enough to propose to you right now. Not only because I’m losing circulation in the leg you are sitting on, but also because I’m not sure that I’m in love with you.”

7) “I LOVE YOU” says Ali. She desperately kisses Jake and then bursts into fresh tears. “Yo. Are you gonna stay or are you gonna go. I’ve got a rose ceremony to finish before sunrise, here.” says Harrison. “I NEEEED MORE TIIIIIME” blubbers Ali.

Wait wait wait. You just said that you are in love with him. Why do you need more time.

Harrison isn’t moved by her tears. “Staying or going.” He says with raised eyebrows. He’s over this display of shenanigans.

“I h-h-have to go” whimpers Ali. Jake kisses her and then sobs into her open lips. This is a hot mess. Jake takes her to the limo and slams the door closed behind her. As soon as the limo pulls away Ali screams “I’m don’t know if I made the right chhhooooiiiicccee! WWAAAHHHAAA” ….oh geeze.

**ATTENTION** First dramatic man-cry of the season

Jake goes out of his way to lean over the 3 ft. tall hand rail in front of the hotel and sheds passionate tears. It is ridiculous. He has to lean so far over that his body is legit bent parallel to the ground. Man-cry fail.

Next recap: The group vacations at the island of St. Lucia. Yeah Mon! Coming soon.

-V