Tag Archives: family

JP Wins

He may be bald and he may lack distinct eyebrows, but he stole our bachelorette’s heart. Alright, I’ll give JP more credit… he actually is a pretty good looking guy. And apparently his kisses are like heaven, so who can blame a girl? But I’ll admit, I do blame her a little for relentlessly stringing my boy Ben along. Reality show or no, that was just dirty. Did you hear his tearful camera confessional?! About how he lost part of his family and can’t wait for a new addition? Talk about rough.

Feelin' miiiighty smug

I could rant more about how Ben is the man of my dreams and how I would totally choose him if I were the bachelorette, despite his awkward hair/behavior at times…but then we wouldn’t get to the juicy parts of this recap. From a tatted up beezy sister to steamy final dates, this finale offers more than a little to discuss. Let’s begin, shall we?

 

JP’s family time

1) We are introduced to Ashley’s mom, dad, brother and sister. They are an interesting looking crew, to say the least. Ashley’s sister looks like a Tim Burton character/a hotter version of Amy Winehouse (too soon to make a reference? I felt iffy about it) and her brother appears to have no idea what this show is all about. He’s just here for a free vacation and a sweet new shell necklace.

2) Ashley sits down with the family and sis wastes no time in diving right into the heavy stuff. “Are you in love?” she asks Ashley. Ash replies with a timid yes. “I don’t believe you. You think you’re ready to be engaged? Yikes, I doubt that, sis. I really do. When I see these guys for myself I’ll be able to make the decision for you.”

3) JP joins the fam and they all sit down for a bite to eat. Mom immediately makes a toast and welcomes him into the family and she’s literally known him for five minutes. The camera pans across the faces around the table:

Ashley – laughing
JP – smiling at Ashley
Brother – playing with shell necklace
Mom – kicking back glass of wine #2
Stepdad – staring into space and smiling
Sister – death stare at JP / possibly muttering wiccan curses

4) Sister decides to break the light hearted mood because she’s had about enough of that. “So, JP, I know my mom just welcomed you into the family (rolls eyes) but I haven’t yet. So, why don’t you wipe that grin off your face and get ready to be shut down on national television. Ashley, does he make you laugh?”

Ash is so caught off guard by her sister’s abrasive demeanor that it takes her a few seconds to process the question. Sis takes that as a red flag and flashes a look at the family. “I uh…make myself laugh I guess…?” says Ash. JP gives her the death stare. “Wrong answer, love muffin. Try again,” he says.

….well that was uncomfortable.

5) Later, Mom and sis sit down with Ashley for a chat:

Sis: I don’t think he’s right for you. He doesn’t make you laugh, Ashley. Do you want an entire lifetime of no laughing?! That would be the worst. Plus he’s super ancient. You have too much energy for him; he would legitimately need a pacemaker after a year of being married to you.

Ashley: (Immediately bursts into tears) I thought you would like him! You don’t even know him, how could you say this?!

Sis: Listen trick, you get too wrapped up in your emotions. Look at me, Ashley. Look at me. Do you see this (gestures toward arms and body in general)?! Do you seriously want to defy me right now? My geisha tattoo will jump off of my arm and slice you with her flower patterned fan.

6) Ashley goes to cry it out and complain about how rude her sister is to her brother. He stares and mumbles a few things but he’s really just pissed that she’s cutting into his beach time. One rarely gets the opportunity to live it up in Fiji. Can’t blame him.

7) JP and sis sit down for a chat. True to her nature, she wastes no time in beginning the attack. “Listen PJ….oh, it’s JP? Whatever. I don’t see you two together. How old are you? Yeahhhh, too old. So just leave my sister alone, okay?”

JP’s face goes red. “But…there’s a lot to our relationship that you don’t realize,” he says.

"What part of 'you suck' and 'i hate you' are you not getting?"

“Alright, well I guess I’m not being frank enough,” says sis. ” You’re way old, okay? I’m wondering, why hasn’t this guy found anyone yet?! And I’m thinking to myself, what does this sicko creep want with my baby sister? Do you want to make her your sex slave? Do you want to take weird pictures of her and put them on the internet? Do you have some creepy fetish for young women? I don’t know, PJ, you tell me.”

JP tries to convince sis that he’s not a creeper but she’s not having it.

“Okay, let me shut you down some more, because you clearly aren’t getting it. I obviously need to insult you further to make you feel as worthless as possible. I may have only watched you for 15 minutes, but I saw no connection. I saw more of a connection with Brad, okay? Are you enjoying being sloppy second to that guy?! You disgust me.”

JP is exasperated, but he doesn’t give up: “So…would you be mad if I proposed to her?” Come on, JP. That goes without saying at this point.

8. After the great bachelor beat down of 2011, JP goes off to the beach to lick his wounds. Ashley joins him and admits that her sister’s opinion is very important to her. She makes him feel worse about the whole situation, and then he leaves.

9) Ashley sits down with her sister to figure out what she did to break JP’s spirit. The little engine that could, who triumphed in the boxing rings of Japan against all odds, is nowhere in sight.

Ash: You made him feel like a failure! He felt like there was nothing he could say to change your mind.

Sis: (face full of attitude) That’s cuz there wasn’t.

Ash: You are being such a B****! And I feel like I’m a freaking prisoner in Azkaban over here! I’m so alone right now and you are not being a good sister.

*Note: This show rips families apart.

10) Sister decides to go complain to mom. “She was completely in love with some fraud a few weeks ago! Mom, this girl is crazy and we both know it.” Alright, she makes a good point there. Ashley’s infatuation with he-who-must-not-be-named was both unhealthy and concerning.

ben’s family time

1) Ashley greets Ben and immediately warns him that her sister might shut him down like a stone cold beezy. He doesn’t seem too worried.

2) After chatting for a while, Ben and Ashley stand up and perform their “talking-to-the-dog” voices for the family. Sis is loving the entertainment, but I’m not. Ashley’s doggie voice makes my ears bleed.

3) Sis takes Ben aside to chat him up. The 50’s pin up girl on her shoulder gives him the old up and down. Approval on behalf of both sister and her tats, it seems. Apparently, Ben and sis are on a nickname basis. “Oh, Bennyboo!” says sis, “I can tell my sister likes you a lot.”

…who is this woman?! Is this the same queen of death that roasted JP alive and then ate his smile for dinner?

4) “Your sister and I are best friends,” Ben explains. “that’s why I’m in love with her. It’s perfect.”

5) Ben and Ashley take a walk along the beach after family time and Ben expresses his complete confidence in their relationship. They make out and she grabs his entire right butt cheek as he walks away. Down, girl.

Ben & Ashley’s final date

1) “On this date, we are gonna get down and dirty,” Ash says wickedly. Surprised she didn’t growl.

2) She leads him to a mud bath and they strip down to their swim wear and jump in. As seen on their previous date, these two enjoy rubbing each other’s bodies down, so we aren’t surprised in the least to see that they immediately begin rubbing mud in every nook and cranny of the other’s  anatomy. At one point, Ash even lifts the tiny triangle of her swim suit to expose and rub mud on her little pectoral muscle. Inappropriate behavior, to say the least.

Ashley leading Ben on mercilessly.

3) Later, at the hotel, Ben tells Ashley that he asked her family’s permission to marry her and tells her that he loves her. She responds by pulling him on top of her and wrapping her legs around him for some hot and heavy kissing.

 

jp & Ashley’s Final date

1) Um…did Ashley’s boobs grow three cup sizes between now and yesterday? It seems as though Ashley busted out the push up bikini top for this date. We should have known right then and there that JP would win. Ash went through the trouble of pushing her pecs to new heights.

2) Ashley and JP begin a heated discussion:

JP: I think we are a perfect fit.

Ash:  Uh…really? Because I don’t know what you mean. I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who likes to talk in demonic voices to their pets.

JP: Well, maybe I don’t do stupid things like that, but I’m right for you, trust me.

3) Ashley takes his word for it and they stroll down the beach. Naturally, they pause in the ankle high waves and make out. JP rips off her sarong.

4) Later, in the hotel room, JP pulls out a basket that holds a photo album he created of their memories together. He wrote a precious letter on the inside of the book and she reads it out loud. Well played, sir.

Final rose ceremony

1) Ashley wakes up for the big day, slips into a silk robe and journals for a bit. Then she goes for a walk along the beach and reflects over the decision she has made. “I just really hope the one I choose feels the same way about me,” her voice over says. Um, are you serious? Both of them confessed being in love with you mere hours ago. I honestly think sometimes this girl just says things to hear herself talk.

2) Ashley puts on what I believe is an unfortunate choice of gown for the big moment and heads out to stand on a platform in front of the ocean. She watches the planes circle over head and prepares for the proposals to come.

Suddenly, the brush near the platform ruffles, and a man’s foot emerges, followed by a well-toned leg. The camera pans up and there stands Bentley, liberated from his hiding spot. Just when we think things can’t get any crazier, he reaches behind him and pulls an adorable blonde girl from out of the bushes. “Marry me, Ashley, and be Cozy’s new mother,” he says.

Haha, jk. That didn’t happen. But what if it did? Biggest upset in Bachelorette history.

3) The first plane touches down and Ben emerges. A sexy-as-always Harrison escorts Ben down the long walk to his doom. He walks up to Ashley and her face has “I’m about to ruin your life” written all over it, but for some reason, he doesn’t detect it. She starts to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t speak. I have something to say: I’m obsessed and in love with you.” He gets down on a knee and proposes.

crickets.

Ashley looks like she’s about to throw up. She says no. Ben walks away. “WAIT!” Ashley cries and runs after him. “I don’t want this to end on bad terms!” Ben is pissed. “Good things don’t end unless badly, stupid girl. JP’s a great guy hope you have a nice life together.” And then he’s outy like last year.

4) Ashley bounces back from that drama pretty quickly and gives JP’s plane a boisterous wave as it flies overhead.

5) JP has a perfect speech prepared. Part of it goes something like this: “You always say I smile all the time and that it will give me wrinkles when I’m older. But it’s because you make me smile.”

Am I the only one thinking that now would be a great time for JP to bust out an acapella rendition of “U Smile” by Justin Bieber? Your bad, JP.

6) Welp, Ben didn’t win, but the ring that JP picked out took my breath away. Who cares about the guy when the rock looks like that?!

BOOM.

after the final rose

I won’t go into too much detail about this, mostly because I’m exhausted after writing that recap, but I do have a few general comments/critiques/concerns to make:

1) It’s unfortunate that Ben chose to flat iron his hair and part it down the center for this event. So very unfortunate.

What's happening, Ben? I know you're heartbroken, but that's no reason to let yourself go.

2) While we’re on the subject of hair, I was also concerned about Ashley’s decision to dye hers purplish black.

3) Ben’s first comment to Ashley is: “Nice ring.” Yikes, bitter much?

4) The past few months since the end of the show haven’t changed Ashley a bit. She’s still saying ridiculous things. For example: “[toBen] Hopefully we’ll always have a friendship” Ash….that’s not how these things work.

5) The final rose show is interrupted by some ridiculous promo for a new show in which two brothers try to hide a briefcase from private investigators and are instructed  by a cheap Tom Cruise impersonator. Thanks but no thanks, abc.

6) Big sis comes onstage and redeems her beezy self and even goes so far as to say “shame on me!” which is greeted by thunderous applause by the studio audience of housewives.

Ben for the next Bachelor? Ashley’s sister for the next Bachelorette? Please?

Until next season….or until Bachelor Pad (which is going to be awesome) if I decide to blog about it. Thanks for reading this season!

Totes in love...for the moment. Who else is taking bets on how long it will last??

-V

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Hometown happenings

Hometown dates are among my top three favorite events of every bachelor/ette season. Why? Because you don’t quite know a person until you’ve met their family. Who would have known that Constantine was born from a legend of a man who most likely coined the term and invented “making it rain“?  And who would have guessed that Ames grew up in a house that has bookshelves on literally every wall? Oh wait, we could have guessed that.

Despite his cultured upbringing and astonishing poise, Ames was sent packing this week. I must admit, it was sad to see him go. It took me a while to warm up to his abnormally large forehead, impossibly perfect and denture-like front teeth, and delicate nature, but I did start to like him. Let’s take a look back at the events leading up to his unfortunate departure.

This week, Ashley is visiting the hometowns of all of her suitors. While bustling around her apartment in preparation for her travels, she takes a look back on her relationships with each of the men. Her thoughts on each, in a sentence:

Ben: I love him and his long hair.
Constantine: He’s the total package.
Ames: He’s…unique.
JP: I feel secure and comfortable around him.

Deduce what you will from these statements but…she only used the word “love” in Ben’s description. Just sayin.

Constantine’s hometown

1) As if having the first name ‘Constantine’ weren’t enough, we discover that his middle name is Demetri. But, I’m actually fine with it, because it reminds me of this guy, who is hilarious and perfect.

2) Constantine takes Ashley to his restaurant and immediately puts her to work. After high fiving the cooks and snuggling with the waitresses, Constantine takes Ash to the kitchen, where he instructs her on how to prepare a pan pizza.

Making a pizza together definitely has the potential to be cute but…if I were Ashley, I’d much rather just sit on the counter and watch him make me a pizza because a) this is a date, I shouldn’t have to risk getting burned by a pizza oven before enjoying my meal b) cooking sucks and c) guys are sexy when they cook. But that’s just me.

3) After leaving the restaurant, they roll up to Constantine’s parents’ house. We can already tell it’s gonna be party time in no time because balloons and a ‘welcome home’ banner are strewn across the entrance. And because Constantine’s father is greek.

4) Constantine’s papa speaks to the camera: “Oh my boy, my son, my Constantine. Will he be happy spending life with scrawny, non-greek girl? Well…I don’t know.” Uh oh. Signs aren’t pointing to yes for a future engagement between these two. Because old foreign men are always right.

5) After a traditional greek feast, the family and Ashley are sitting in the living room when the front door suddenly bursts open and a flood of people rush in. Babies are sailing through the air and being caught all over the room, children are ducking under legs and squealing, middle-aged women are pinching cheeks left and right. Is this a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Nope. This is real life. Constantine’s family is AWESOME.

6) Well, it’s not a greek party unless there’s dancing. And unless there is money falling from the sky. The family gets into a circle and dances around the room. Before we realize what is happening, papa is standing in the middle and making it rain all over the place. It’s a good thing Ashley opted out of wearing one of her backless shirts/skin-tight booty shorts/anything else she typically wears because she’s tiny and can get away with it, because otherwise we would all assume other reasons for money being thrown at her.

dolla dolla bills y'all

ames’ hometown

1) “Ashley and I are like boyfriend and girlfriend,” Ames tells the camera. Oh, Ames. We forgive you for sounding like you are in 5th grade. Between a rigorous study schedule and drawing up theories of relativity to counter Einstein’s work in your spare time, you have understandably fallen behind in the dating scene.

2) Ames looks rather adorable in a plaid button up (always a good choice). He immediately whisks Ashley off to meet his family. Ames’ sister wastes no time in having a chat with the bachelorette.

Sister: “Are you comfortable with him?”

Ashley: “Well, Ames is very unique.”

Sister: “But do you actually like him?”

Ashley: “He’s unlike anybody I’ve ever met before.”

Sister: “Well, he’s amazing, just so you know. Not only is he ridiculously in shape, he’s also smart and he’s traveled the world.”

Ashley: “…….”

Sister: “But you know what, I wouldn’t expect you to understand him. He’s like an onion – you have to peel off all of the layers.”

Waaaaait a minute! Did anybody else catch that? She totally stole that line from Shrek.

Ames’ sister leaves Ashley to have a chat with Ames.

Sister: “I can see that you like what’s-her-name, which is beyond me, but anyway…I don’t think she’s into you.”

Ames: “According to what I’ve read and in conjunction with my personal studies, sister, love is a complicated and fickle creature. My original checklist of requirements for my mate included an education from at least 3 ivy league schools, a mastery of 3 to 4 languages and a deep appreciation for international cultures. After meeting Ashley, however, I have obviously thrown that checklist to the high winds. She may be ditsy and unappreciative of modest clothing, but she is energetic and I love her.”

3) Ames decides to kick the romance up a notch to convince Ashley to love him back. He takes her to a gathering of magnolia trees and it is possibly the most romantic setting for a picnic I have ever seen.

If my future husband ever reads this, I want to be proposed to here. Just so you know.

4) Ames tells Ashley that he went to boarding school and was a “bad student”. Yeah right, like we’re gonna believe that. He then starts to talk about extraordinary moments in ordinary life. ….Is that poetry? Is he quoting John Keats? Nope, that’s just Ames having every day conversation. What a guy.

He is way over Ashley’s head with all of his amazingness, so all she can do is stare and say “You are unlike any man I’ve ever met before.” Duh, Ashley. He’s a genius.

4) Ames takes Ashley on a horse-drawn carriage ride next and it looks straight out of a fairytale. I never thought I’d say this but….marry me, Ames?

Ben’s hometown

1) Ashley finds Ben wildly attractive. “Everything about him screams sexiness to me,” she tells the camera.

2) Ben takes her to his winery and then takes her outside to sit on the damp porch of what appears to be an abandoned house while it rains outside. Alright, not his best idea, but he’s still Ben. So I’ll look past it.

3) Ben admits that he has only brought one girl to meet his mother before and that his past relationships haven’t lasted very long. “If my mom and sister don’t like you, you’re as good as dead to me,” he tells her. Harsh, but direct. I can dig it.

....What is this?! Seriously, abc needs to release an out-takes dvd, stat.

4) Ashley meets Ben’s mom and sister and the four sit down for dinner. Ben’s sister tells Ash that she signed Ben up for  the show because she hated all the other girls he’s dated. She figured hooking him up with some rando who gets her mack on with a dozen other guys at the same time as him would be ideal. Sisters be crazy.

5) Ben has a precious conversation with his mom. “I want to model my relationship after you and dad,” he tells her. “Dad is looking down on you and he’s sayin ‘well done’, he is so proud of you,” says mom.

Uh…I just saw Harry Potter a few days ago, I don’t need to jump on yet another emotional roller coaster, folks. I can’t handle the man tears. I know I was just really into Ames a second ago but oh my gosh…..BEN.

jp’s hometown

1) JP takes Ashley roller skating. She acts all, “I’m gonna fall, I suck at skating!”, but then she skates circles around the rink like she was born on wheels. Not cute, Ash.

2) JP wipes out a good two or three times, which gives Ashley ample time to lay beside him and make out in the middle of the rink. Good thing he rented it out for the day, I’d hate to see a little tot’s birthday party ruined by such a display. Who needs Mtv when you’ve got The Bachelor to steal away innocence?

Eaaaaaaasy girl, watch the hand.

3) JP tells Ash that he’s had his heart broken, and that he’s been unsure of every other girl  he’s dated. “How do you know you are sure about me, then?” asks Ashley. “I’m on a high when I’m with you,” he says. “When I’m without you I’m miserable and it sucks. I don’t want to be without you.” …..somebody pregamed for this date by watching Titanic and got in a real sappy mood.

4) The couple arrive at JP’s mom’s house and mom grills JP on his feelings for Ashley. “Are you in love with her?” asks mom. “Uh…I mean, there are signs pointing toward it but I’m having difficulty saying yes.”

I’m surprised by this. After JP’s behavior last week (do we all remember the temper tantrum?) I was expecting him to fully admit that he’s fallen for Ash. Interesting.

5) The date is ended on the best note possible. Mom pulls out a poster-size photo of JP as a child. Was JP a character on an 80’s TV series?! The mullet. The tie. The striped shirt. It’s all just too good.

rose ceremony

1) I was expecting either Ames or Constantine to go home. Since Ames left this week, she better send Constantine home next week. Seriously.

2) Poor Ames looked so bewildered when his name wasn’t called, I actually felt like crying a little. Despite being devastated, he exits the show gracefully. Ashley sits with him on a bench and he says “I’m lucky to have had you in my life. I’m composed all the time, but now I don’t know what to do…This has been totally beautiful and full of the unexpected and even more poetic than I could have ever imagined.”

Um…you are more poetic than we could have ever imagined. Dang, boy. Ames for the next bachelor? We can hope. In the meantime, we’ll keep our eyes peeled for him on the next season of Bachelor Pad (premiering Monday, August 8).

Next Week: The final 3 go to Fiji and, should they choose to forgo their individual rooms, will be able to join Ashley in the Fantasy Suite. Can’t wait.

-V

Love is patient, love is kind, love is…morbid?

It is a rainy day in New York City and Brad is packing his bags in preparation for upcoming hometown date adventures. That’s right, it’s time to meet the family and Brad is well aware of how serious all of this is getting. This can easily be deciphered from his pensive expression as he stands on the balcony of his hotel room and watches the rain fall.

For some reason unbeknownst to viewers across the nation, Brad has chosen to wear special travel gear, consisting of a dark collared jacket and a….newsboy cap? What is it with men, this show, and terrible headgear? Was I the only one who would never have pegged Brad the bar owner as a newsboy-cap-wearer? Yikes. Not a good look.

Aside from a few graphic tees, Brad has managed to avoid fashion faux pas...until the hat.

Brad gives us a quick run-down on what he thinks about all of the girls so far:

Chantal: She’s super hot, even with her curves….I mean, I literally find a new curve on her every time I see her….but aside from her being sexy, I’m a little worried about the fact that she cries. Every day.

Ashley the Dentist: I like her because she’s so happy and energetic all of the time. She may slightly remind me of a terrier, but I’m willing to look past it.

Shawntel: She’s the only girl who has been consistent throughout this process – no drama. But….she likes to touch dead people.

Emily: I’m in lov…I mean, uh, I really like this girl. But she’s still in love with, well, the love of her life. So….that’s….that.

Brad decides its time to stop thinking and to hop into action. He grabs his crocodile-skin man purse and hops into a cab. First stop: Chantal‘s hometown.

Chantal

1) Brad arrives in Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. Before heading to the parents’ house, they stop by Chantal’s abode. They are greeted at the door by a zoo of animals, the most notable one being a furry creature wearing a t-shirt.

2) The two drink some beers and stroke her animal collection while discussing how on earth she would move her furry friends into his bachelor pad in Texas.

3) They head over to her parents’ house…oh wait. That’s not a house. That’s a mansion. Chantal failed to mention that she’s an heiress. Her bad.

4) Is it just me or does Dad look like he was born in the same year Brad was? And Mom looks like she could be a “real housewife”. This family could very well be BRAVOlebrities in the near future.

5) Mom: “I figured you two could use a home cooked meal!”

Translation: “While I was getting a chemical peel today, our personal chef Geoffrey prepared this feast.”

6) After dinner, Brad and Dad swap battle stories about making it to the top from nothing. They retire to a lounge within the mansion and bond over both having crappy fathers and also discover that they were in the same pledge class in college.  Go figure.

7) Meanwhile, in another lounge, Chantal is talking to Mom and starts to cry. Of course. How are there even any tears left in this woman?!

8. The bromance is still going on with Brad and Dad. They move to the wine cellar and Brad asks Dad’s blessing on his pursuit of Chantal. Asking isn’t necessary – it’s merely a formality. Clearly, Dad will honor the way of their brotherhood in the sacrifice of his first born.

Ashley

1) Ashley takes Brad to the restaurant where she had her first job. She orders her favorite dish: heart disease.

2) The waitress brings out their platter of death-induced-by-inevitable-obesity and speaks to Brad in french. His reply? “Si”

Wrong, Brad. Wrong.

3) Ashley takes Brad to her parents’ house. As soon as the door opens she takes off. She’s doing cartwheels, ricocheting off of the walls and tackling everyone in sight. Everybody else is equally as hyper. They are all hugging and crawling on the floor on all fours and screaming and….it’s chaos.

4) Dad hits pause on the fun and games and pulls Brad aside for a talkin’ to. “Just so you know, if you guys fall in love or whatever, she WILL be finishing her schooling. So bite that off and chew it, Brad.” Brad is undeterred by this news.

Shawntel

1) Shawntel impatiently awaits Brad’s arrival in her funeral home. “Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl,” she says. “Death is an inevitability, so everybody just needs to get with it.” …preach it, sister…?

2) When Brad arrives, she tries to make out, but he’s too busy watching his back for spirits to get into it. So, she goes to plan B: Show him some classy crypts.

3) Brad looks like he could cry and/or hurl up his breakfast when Shawntel shows him the spot that she has reserved for his cremated ashes.

4) Next stop: Embalming room. This place looks like a new-age torture chamber. I mean,  the hooks hanging from the ceiling and the stainless steel tools and the bottles of acid….

5) “Go ahead and lay down on the embalming table,” Shawntel says. Brad’s eyes go wide, but he does as she commands.

Shawntel stares down at a helpless and terrified Brad.

6) Shawntel whips out her collection of tools and gleefully explains all of the ways that she stabs dead corpses and drains their blood. Brad is losing his cool. “I don’t do well with death,” he finally admits after Shawntel tells how much fun it is to sit down with a family and plan a funeral.

7) Shawntel to the camera: “Seeing him on that embalming table was so hot. I’ve never had this before! I want to marry a man who can just lay on an embalming table like that and be fine.”

….He was screaming inside, girlfriend. And I’m sure you noticed the cold sweat that he went into. And his clammy hands. And maybe the fact that he threw up over the side of the table.

8. They finally leave the house of death and head to her parents’. No, her father isn’t Tim Burton, but he might as well be. This guy loves death – he’s been in the business for 40 years.

9) Dad is upset that Shawntel is willing to give up taking over the business to find true love, but he eventually decides that he’s fine with it. The family all sit in the living room and stare at each other. Brad checks behind him for ghosts and swallows hard. And…is that… a tear trickling down his cheek?

Emily

1) Brad arrives in a park, bearing a gift for Emily’s daughter. Emily tries to give Brad a hug upon seeing him, but Ricky is clinging to her waist like a barnacle.

“Hey, Ricky!” Brad says

“Ricky Tick! Don’t you want to say hi to my friend?!” Emily says

“………” Ricky says

“Do you want a present?” Brad says

“……….” Ricky says. And then immediately snatches the gift.

2) Ricky opens the present and her expression says, What tha….what is this?! So, we don’t believe in Barbies anymore, huh.

3) They head to Emily’s place and hang out in Ricky’s playroom, which is actually the size of a modest home. It is full of toys, to include a princess castle and numerous board games.

I guess the days of playing with sticks in the dirt and fighting over which large rock will be your “castle” with your sister are long gone. Yes. That was my childhood. Don’t pity me, it’s how I became the strong woman I am today.

4) After the kid goes to bed, Emily is ready for some lovin, but Brad’s not having it. He acts super awkward and tells her he feels uncomfortable getting frisky while Ricky is upstairs. I say: Get a grip. It’s grown-up time.

Rose Ceremony

Throughout the show, my parents were walking in and out of the room, catching snippets here and there. When the rose ceremony began, they both casually glued their butts to the couch and were riveted, naturally. I’ll include their commentary throughout this section of the recap.

1) Brad is back in New York and talking it out with Harrison

Mom’s opinion: “He needs to get rid of the little bubbly one (Ashley).”

Dad’s opinion: “That one girl (Chantal) is prettier than the blonde one. But I think he should pick the funeral director. They would get along better in a marriage.”

2) I hate to say it, but we all saw it coming. Shawntel the funeral director is sent home. The heavy burden of bearing the dead to the other side in style, by providing a classy crypt and/or a fashionable urn, is a weight that Shawntel must carry alone.

Mom: “Well, he’s the one that’s missin out. She shoulda let that ponytail go, though. It’s not lookin good.”

Dad: “Every night when she kissed him, he would have been thinkin about them dead bodies…She had her hands inside of them…ew.”

Mom: “…And about how she gushed the blood out, and drained it….ugh, how can that be sexy and attractive.”

Dad: “She needs to get her some kind of freaky guy. She’s going to have trouble finding a husband I think.”

“That chubby girl (Chantal) is still the prettiest. But just wait till she has a baby… *whistles* She’s gonna be huge.”

Mom: “Brad needs to go ahead and pick her….save her from herself! She keeps getting bigger with every episode!!! Maybe she could get some of that tummy taken out….Maybe she needs to get together with the mortician and she could hook her up. Find the right ‘entry point’ and that’ll be a wrap.”

Dad: “He needs to get rid of the blonde (Emily) because she’s way too obsessed with her kid.”

Mom: “I want to see the blonde one without makeup. I bet her hair isn’t the only fake thing…she probably has one of those booty pops.”

Me: “What?! What’s a ‘booty pop’?!”

Answer:

Out. Of. Control.

-V