Tag Archives: Fantasy Suite

Things get steamy

I have to admit I had some serious doubts in Ashley. She’s consistently acted so outrageously throughout the season that I was becoming unsure of her ability to pick a good man when she sees one. But, she has finally narrowed her suitors down to two and I must say, she’s done quite a fine job. I can’t think of any better two than Ben and JP, so, despite the fact that I’ve come close to tearing my clothing and ripping my hair out over her antics, I have to tip my hat to the bachelorette.

Monday’s episode took us to Fiji, which is the ultimate place to fall in love, according to Ashley. I wouldn’t put much stock in that sentence because she said the same thing about every village in Japan, but it does look pretty awesome. As Ashley settles in to her plush new digs, she takes some time to read a quick devotional and write in her journal. I imagine her journal entry says something along the lines of, “Father, I ask forgiveness in advance for the unspeakable things I plan to do to both Ben and JP in the fantasy suite.”

Just after she has shut her journal and moved on to brushing her hair, she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and her eyes go wide “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?”

Commercial Break.

Alright, I had no idea who this person could be. I knew for sure it couldn’t be Bentley, there’s no way Harrison would let that fool on the premises. My only guess was that Mickey (remember him? spiky hair, boring, waste of time?) had regretted his decision to leave and decided to come back for a second chance.

And we’re back. Rewind a few minutes back: A pair of feet are walking down a muddy path. The camera pans up and we see Ryan walking stoically alongside the Fiji wilderness. Wait, what?! Ryan? Ryan. Seriously.

“I feel that there are things unsaid and undiscovered between Ashley and I,” his voiceover says, “We gotta explore it. Maybe she has regretted letting me go…I’ve just got to see her and find out if she loves me.”

Well Ryan, Ashley may be an indecisive wreck, but of this I am certain: She’s never been more sure of a decision in her life. I’m pretty sure you aren’t even a real person. You eat sunshine and poop lollipops, okay? That’s not normal.

He walks up to Ashley’s door and knocks. “Ry!” she screams. “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, I called Harrison to ask if I could come here and he was all like, ‘Hell, I’m down for a good laugh, she’s in Fiji, go for it,’ so here I am! I don’t know if you regretted letting me go, but I want to spend more time with you.”

Oh, Ry. She hasn’t even thought of you for two seconds since you left. She’s been too busy enjoying JP’s magical kisses and stroking Ben’s amazing hair (Note: these are her thoughts, not mine. I’m opposed to Ben’s hair and its weird center part. But the rest of him is hot, so it’s alright.)

Ryan babbles on for half an hour about Lord knows what, probably something to do with water heaters and how he’s so glad he didn’t sign up for the military. After both Ashley and the rest of us think we’re going to pass out from boredom, he pulls out a crinkled piece of paper.

“I’m here for a couple of days so, if you want to spend time together, I’m here. You’ll see that there are a couple boxes on the paper, it’s just a quick survey. Check ‘yes’ if you like me and ‘no’ if you don’t. Thanks for your time.”

Alright, glad that’s over. Now let’s get down to the serious business: dates and fantasy suites.

Ben & ashley’s date

1) Ashley surprises Ben with a yacht. The two jump on and waste no time in exploring each other’s bodies. Ben lays down and Ashley straddles him. She rubs sunscreen all over his chest and neck.

Ashley, get down from there.

Ash: “Are you okay with this?”
Ben: “I’m more than okay with this. We are two steps away from creating an adult film, but I’m into it.”

If I hadn't seen the episode and just saw this picture...I would be concerned.

2) After they are good and lubed up with lotion, they jump into the water for a snorkeling session.

3) Next, they head to dinner and are both so happy that at first all they can do is stare at each other and smile. Kinda presh. Then Ben launches into a speech about how he’s obsessed with her. He admits that he’s fully committed to her, so she chucks the fantasy suite card at him.

4) They drop their forks, high tail it to the suite, strip down to their swim suits and do some foreplay in the infinity pool. Then Ben lifts her out of the water and carries her to the bedroom. This whole date is just way too steamy for my restless heart to handle. Whew.

constantine & ashley’s date

1) Ashley is wearing what appears to be a white handkerchief bunched around her non-existent boobs. Once again I will say: this woman doesn’t own a full shirt.

What is this outfit?!?

2) Ashley surprises Constantine with a helicopter ride. As the two soar through the air, the camera pans down to a lone figure standing on a beach. Give you one guess who that is.

Outrageous behavior

3) Constantine and Ashley enjoy a swim by a waterfall. They make out zero times and share no intimate moments. Then they sit down to a picnic and have a tense conversation. I kind of stop paying attention because there’s no spicy sensual action going on, but I think they might have gotten into a fight. Something about time, investments and houses. Not sure.

4) Later, at dinner, they toast over a glass of wine and Constantine comments that it is very “grapefruit-y” tasting. Then he admits that Ben taught him all about wine tasting. Man crush?

Ash: “Is it weird for you? Being friends with a guy that is dating me too?”

Const: “To be honest, I find Ben extremely attractive and I can’t blame you in the slightest for wanting to jump his bones. I question my own sexuality around the man. He’s suave, knows everything about wine and that hair….Actually, you know what? Go for Ben. I’m not into you at all.”

Constantine peaces out and, instead of taking advantage of the fantasy suite anyway and inviting Ben over for round two, she heads back to her own room and spends the night alone.

Ashley gives Constantine her stank face.

ashley pays ryan a visit

1) Ryan looks like he might pee pixie dust at the sight of Ashley on his doorstep. He invites her to stand on his balcony for a chat.

2) “Ry, you’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met in my life,” says Ash. “If I had a checklist for the perfect man, you fulfilled it. You are exactly what I want, but I don’t want you.” Way to go Ashley, that was only the most confusing way to break up with someone ever.

3) Ryan looks really sad to be rejected twice but he brought it upon himself, so we can’t pity him folks.

jp & ashley’s date

1) Once again, Ashley is wearing an abstract piece of cloth draped over her tiny frame instead of a regular shirt. She greets JP with a sensual make out session.

2) They hop on a plane and it takes them to Namanalalalala island, where JP tells Ashley that he’s ready for the end, when he can be the last one standing. Then they hug it out and he grabs her entire butt with one hand.

3) At dinner Ashley tries to make JP think Bentley came back because she’s a sick and twisted person, but then admits that it was only Ryan who showed up in Fiji. JP holds himself back from snorting in disgust.

4) She hands him the fantasy suite card and he says “Yeah. I’m into that.” I could make an inappropriate joke here, but I won’t. I’m a classy lady.

5) The couple waste no time with foreplay in the infinity pool, they head straight for the bed. Before you can say “Ryan’s a joke”, JP is on top of Ash and they are two seconds away from doing the dirty on national television. Pan away, camera, pan away! I am losing my innocence with every passing second!

rose ceremony

1) As usual, Ash and Harrison sit down for a chat. I’m grateful for this chance to feast my eyes on all of the man that is Harrison, but I’m instantly bored. Ashley repeats some of the typical stuff she says about love and rejection and then she is off to the rose ceremony.

2) She gives the boys some speech about being afraid they won’t accept her rose despite the fact that they both basically proclaimed their love for her and then took her to bed nights before. Spare us the drama, Ash.

3) Of course, they both accept. Note that she called Ben’s name first AND she stared at him the entire time she talked about her family coming to Fiji for the next episode. I’m just sayin.

I know I will meet lots of opposition when I say this, but I’ll say it anyway: BEN FOR THE WIN!

Next week: Ashley calls her sister a beezy and cries. Stay tuned.

-V

p.s. Naked?

#yikes

Advertisements

And then there were two.

Brad is back in New York and packing  his bags once more for another adventure. After the whirlwind of meeting families and dumping Shawntel, Brad is excited for another change of scenery. As usual, he goes out to stand on the balcony to think. I’m happy to report that he either forgot to wear his traveling hat, or someone took the liberty of burning it.

After meditating on love and the fact that his noggin is feeling cold and lonely without his headgear, Brad grabs his man purse and hops into the awaiting limo. Destination: South Africa.

Chantal

1) Brad heads down a dirt road to collect Chantal for their date. Don’t worry, he wore his safari hat for the occasion. The two embark on a safari and pull up to a pride of sleeping lions. They are surprisingly calm and elated at being feet away from potential death.

2) Next, they happen upon a giraffe. “Now that’s a pretty animal,” exclaims Brad. “I mean this is…his home.” Good call, Brad. I’m now wishing I had thought to compile a list of his dumbest quotes throughout the season.

3) The poor sap who is stuck with chauffeuring the couple around leads them down to a river. He holds his gun at the ready to deflect any charging hippos.

4) The couple settle in for a picnic.

Brad: “Let me say this…Oooo, should I say this?!”

Chantal: “Uh….yeah?”

Brad: “I’m definitely the most comfortable around you.”

Chantal: “I would marry you right now if you asked me.”

Brad: (compulsively cracks knuckles) “……..”

5) Brad pulls out a card from Harrison: “Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.

P.S. Be responsible. Use contraception.”

6) Chantal practically knocks over the table in her hurry to go. “What happens in the fantasy suite, stays in the fantasy suite,” she tells the camera. If this blog wasn’t family friendly, I’d be forced to call Chantal a certain name at this point.

It rhymes with Doe.

7) Rather than hopping on a helicopter and flying to a private suite, he walks her out into into a deserted field. The sun is going down and a hawk cries overhead. He points to a tree in the distance. “That’s where we’re gettin down tonight,” says Brad. Yikes.

8. Their “fantasy suite” is a tree house. I wish I were joking. I mean, where do they go pee? In a bush? And what keeps a monkey from climbing up there during the night?! What keeps an ugly African buzzard from roosting up there while they sleep?? Worst. Fantasy Suite. Ever.

Emily

1) Brad meets Emily in the middle of a dirt road. Her bright blonde hair, flawless makeup, manicured nails and glittering jewelry seem very out of place in the African wilderness.

2) After scooping her into his arms, he tells her to wait there for a minute because he “forgot something.” Emily is annoyed, but stands and waits for him. What could he have possibly forgotten? The snacks, tiny candles, throw pillows or, God forbid, the champagne?!

3) Emily hears rustling in the brush and looks terrified. She thinks that maybe a lion has come to eat her. But wait! It’s brad on an elephant!

4) Brad and Emily take an elephant ride around Africa for a minute. They pass by some baby elephants playing at a water hole and all that I can think about is little Tantor from the movie Tarzan (my second favorite Disney movie).

5) The couple have a serious conversation. Brad: “Even though I banged Chantal last night, I can really see myself as a father to your daughter.”

6) At dinner, Brad is so nervous that he an barely breath or talk….so he just downs glass after class of wine. After giving up on expressing his feelings, he tosses the fantasy suite card her way. She tastefully says that she’s a mommy so she can’t do anything dirty, but she’d be glad to share the suite with him and to “talk some more”.

7) Instead of taking her to a janky tree house in the wilderness, Brad leads Emily into a chic cabin, stocked with cheesecake and rose petals. Emily tells Brad that she’s falling in love with him and he becomes breathless. He finally manages to strangle out, “I’m falling in love with you too.”

Ashley

1) Brad leads Ashley down a path that is reminiscent of their very first date together. Instead of happening upon a creepy carnival like last time, they happen upon a helicopter. At first, I thought Ashley’s body had become possessed by a demon. She hurls herself away from Brad and practically runs back to America, squealing the whole time, before Brad can ask her what on earth is wrong.

2) Apparently, Ashley is afraid of helicopters. For some reason, the prospect of riding in one is more terrifying than walking through the mouth of a gigantic clown tent.

3) The helicopter takes them to a hill, where they spread a picnic out. “Is this real life?!?” exclaims Ashley the dentist. Brad is starting to feel doubts about her. He asks where she wants to live when she finishes school. She recites every state except Texas.

4) Later at dinner, Brad tells her that he still has lots of questions and confronts her about not wanting to move to where he lives. She debates him fiercely and an awkward silence ensues.

Brad: “….so is that like, a cream puff that you’re eating or something?”

Ashley: “Yeah…it’s just…super creamy.”

Brad: “Is it really.”

5) Despite this being the worst date in the history of the Bachelor (besides the date on Jason Mesnick’s season when Natalie told him that she “likes bears” and then suggested that only God has the authority to not think she’s hot.) Brad still offers the Fantasy Suite card to Ashley.

6) I guess Brad figures he might as well give her a test run before making his final decision about whether or not to keep her. Too bad Ashley is not in the mood. They head to the fantasy suite and settle onto the couch.

Ashley: “So…what do you think of the gnats here in Africa?”

Brad: Completely ignores question and tries to kiss her/get frisky.

Ashley: Gives him a peck. “We are just not on our game tonight.”

Translation: I hate you.

Rose Ceremony

1) Brad confronts the final 3. “Before we get started, Ash, can I talk to you for a second?” Brad says. Emily and Chantal shoot one another quizzical looks.

2) Brad and Ash walk off and leave the other two standing there, sweating in their cocktail dresses. Both of them silently consider striking up conversation, but then decide that would be way too awkward.

3) Brad tells Ashley that their date was terrible and then admits that he doesn’t think he would fit into her life. He says that he’s broken hearted, but really, he just wants to get rid of her. Ashley leaves and cries it out in the limo.

4) Brad goes back to the other two and requests a group hug. They decide they would rather give him hugs separately. Obviously.

Coming up: The girls meet Brad’s family, swim with some sharks, and Brad cries for the first time.

-V

Dumped in Paradise

Everybody is back in LA, preparing their hearts and minds for the romantic things that await in Tahiti. Chris stands by the hotel pool and surveys the palm trees.

“Falling in love with Ali seems right and natural…and it makes me happy” says his voiceover.

Meanwhile, Roberto is packing for the trip. After holding it to his heart with closed eyes, he places his Lion King CD on top of his folded shirts and remembers what it felt like to be intertwined with Ali onstage. He also recalls how drafty it was in that diaper-like loincloth.

Roberto takes a moment to lay on his bed and toss a baseball at the ceiling, remembering all of the great times he and Ali had together. Like that one time she said he was so hot and too good for her. Oh wait…that’s every time she’s hung out with him.

At that same moment, Frank is in his hotel room, neatly laying out his dinner jackets.

“Ali and I have a connection that very few people have,” he tells the camera. “I could see us getting married one day. I came here to fall in love with Ali and I think I did….(cue sinister music) but I think there’s something holding me back.”

Frank has had feelings “brewing” inside of him for his ex girlfriend Nicole. Surprise
surprise. Needless to say, Frank’s not ready to go to Tahiti and get intimate with Ali. He needs to decide if he still loves Nicole first.

He  nervously strides through the streets of Chicago and finds himself in front of Nicole’s door. Apparently, the two haven’t conversed in months. He knocks. Several seconds pass….no answer. Frank starts ripping his beard hairs out. I start praying she will answer before he hyperventilates to death.

The door slowly creeks open and two beady eyes peek out. “What’s going on?!” says Nicole. She acts surprised despite the fact that she is in full makeup while hooked up to a mic.

The two have a seat on the couch and Frank stutters out a few things about Ali as Nicole stares in silence. Finally, after Frank strangles out a few more sentences, she decides to speak.

“It’s sickening to think that you could get closer and deeper with anybody else other than me. It’s heartbreaking and frankly (no pun intended), I’m shaking right now because of it. You might need to drive me to the hospital in a minute, because of the strain that this is causing my body.”

Oh, good. Someone just as dramatic as Frank.

“Without you I’m not happy and I don’t feel complete. It’s sick. I’m dying inside…every day takes me to newer lows. I need you to come home.”

Emo much?

Frank loves it. He’s completely forgotten about Ali and is now making out with Nicole, as if the past weeks on the Bachelorette never existed. Two months of zero communication and I guess they’ll just pick up right where they left off…?

Roberto in Tahiti

1) Roberto is up for the first date in paradise. “Proposing is right around the corner and I feel good about that” he says. Ali comes to get him and they jump into a helicopter.

2) They land on what is allegedly a heart-shaped island, but what in fact just looks like a normal-shaped island.

3) They set up a picnic at the beach and Ali immediately strips down to reveal a bright bikini. Roberto pulls a Jacob Black and gathers her in his arms and runs with her.

4) The pair meet up for dinner and Ali is wearing a silver…negligee? Roberto is so nervous about telling her how he feels that he’s sweating. It’s adorable. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her and flashes that stellar smile of his. I peed myself a little.

5) Is it possible to fall in love with someone that you’ve never met? I just did.

6) They open the fantasy card and I wonder why Ali even takes the time to read it. Hmm…to stay the night with Roberto or not to stay the night with Roberto. It’s not even a question.

7) The two decide to wade through the ocean on the way back to the fantasy suite. Uh oh! Roberto’s shorts got wet in the water. Guess he’ll have to take them off….

Chris in Tahiti

1) I’m sorry, Chris is adorable but after spending the day with Roberto…I can’t even think straight. Every time I try to consider Chris as a contender he is outshined by Roberto’s smile, dimples, and exotic brown skin. Am I wrong to favor Roberto because of his looks? Maybe. Am I concerned about it? No.

2) Chris and Ali get on a boat and all I can say is the ocean water is doing nothing good for Ali’s hair. It’s getting scragglier and drier by the minute.

3) The two head to dinner and the fantasy suite card shows up. “There’s a fantasy suite?!” exclaims a bewildred Chris. Yeah riiiight…you aren’t fooling anybody.

4) Why is Ali wearing what appear to be gauchos? Yikes.

5) And now, a list of quotes by Chris.

“How are we gonna top this on our honeymoon?!”

“God, I love you.”

Don’t let him sway you, ladies. Roberto for the win.

Franknasty in Tahiti

1) Frank decides that he needs to chat with Harrison before he faces Ali. I’d say that’s a good choice. Not only is Harrison wise and a great counselor, he is also a father figure, and what every woman wants in a man, all at once.

2) Frank blubbers his predicament to Harrison, who sits across from him with a look of disdain. “I have to tell you, I’m blown away.” says Harrison, “And I’m a little grossed out by how bloodshot your eyes are and how veiny your forhead is. But that aside, you just made a complete 180 degree turn. You loved Ali last week…what’s the dealio?!” Frank has no answer as silent tears trickle down his cheeks.

3) Harrison advises Frank to break the news to Ali as soon as she picks him up for their date. Meanwhile, Ali is telling the camera that she is head over heels for Frank and that she’s basically picked him for the winner. No bueno.

4) Ali excitedly skips up to Frank’s door, grabs him, and starts kissing his neck and giggling. The camera gives us a tight shot of Frank’s bloodshot eyes swimming in tears as he grapples with the idea of dumping and deserting Ali in paradise.

5) “Ali….we need to talk,” says Frank. Ali immediately looks terrified and starts to cry. Frank ushers her to a chair and breaks up with her. The exotic pink flower that Ali sported behind her ear for this special occasion appropriately begins to droop. She pulls it out of her hair and dashes it to the ground in a dramatic display of anguish.

6) Ali hugs Frank goodbye and runs under a palm tree to weep, where Harrison, of course, joins her to offer words of comfort and wisdom. Harrison listens to her complaints, gives her a pat on the back, a tender hug, and sends her off to her room to recouperate.

Thanks, Hare. You’re the best.

7) At the rose ceremony Harrison tells the boys that Ali has something heavy to lay on them. They look terror stricken.

Chris’ thoughts:

Has she decided to elope with Frank? That scrawny *bleep*

Does my dead mother freak her out?

Maybe my family was just too perfect for her to handle.

Roberto’s thoughts:

Am I too much of a rico suave for her?

Needless to say, the boys were overjoyed to find that Frank had scuttled off to Chicago to re-connect with his ex. The Men Tell All show is tonight. Arguably the best episode of the Bachelor/ette seasons every time. Cheers to the drama.

-V

St. Lucia

St. Lucia

Jake is on the “mystical” island of St. Lucia and he is more ready than ever to fall in love.

We see Ali in San Francisco, moping around in a bathrobe. She sits in her bed looking forlorn, with dozens of  head shots of Jake strewn across her bedside table. She cries and stares off into space.

“My life is without love. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus on my work. Every day that I’m away from him my life breaks a little more. I. Can’t. Breathe. Without him.”

Gia and Jake’s Date

1) Gia sneaks up behind Jake and tickles him. Surprisingly, he refrains from picking her up like a baby on sight. Jake giggles excitedly and tells the camera, “Me, Gia, a boat and some water. I mean, it seems like the sky is the limit.”

2) Wearing a heinous choker necklace, Jake tells the camera that he’s taking Gia to the local market where the native St. Lucian’s shop. The pair booty dance in front of a street performer and Jake performs the most awkward hip thrusts that I have ever seen.

3) “The dread-bearing street performers were endearing” gushes Jake. Endearing?? Perhaps not the right word choice for the rasta men, Jakey.

4) Jake buys Gia a heart necklace from a street vendor to help St. Lucia’s economy out a little with the big American bucks. The pair kiss and the toothless street vendor cackles with pleasure

5) Gia: “Well…the necklace that Jake bought me was too ugly for my dainty neck, so I wear it on my wrist.”

6) The pair make their way to the ocean. They leap off of the dock and make out in the water. Aaaaas usual. The sun sets. They feel as though they are the only two people on the island. The camera man is sure to get a lot of booty shots of Gia the swim suit model in her swim suit.

7) Gia and Jake meet up that night in “Smugglers Cove” for some din din. Jake says, “I’m just surprised at you, Gia. You’re pretty and actually kinda deep too. When I first saw you I thought you were too pretty to be smart.”…Gia is not insulted by this in the least.

8. Jake: ” My fault is that I put others above myself. It makes me feel good to know that whoever I’m with will come before me. I’ll take care of you even if you don’t take care of me. That’s how much of a man I am.” Gia bites her gigantic lip, coyly.

9) While chillaxin on the hammock after dinner, the couple casually decide to stay in the fantasy suite together that night. Jake can barely contain his excitement.

10) At the fantasy suite…Jake and Gia get in the bathtub to get hot and heavy. Don’t worry guys, Jake’s choker necklace wanted in on the fun too.

Tenley & Jake’s Date

1) Jake and Ten eat in the rain-forest overlooking a sugar mill. Cute Tenley is in love but she is nervous because she isn’t sure if Jake values marriage in the same way. Will he do these cute and romantic things in the real world? Or is abc the only thing romantic about him?, she wonders.

2) We see the couple’s clothes hanging cliffside and I think uuhhh ohhh skinaayyy dippin! But no, no. They are in their swim suits walking along the beach.

3) Tenley is worried about the fantasy suite. No pressure girl, Ed and Jillian didn’t do it the first time. When the fantasy suite card arrives Ten surprises us all by saying that she is more than willing to spend the night. Tenley: “I absolutely cannot wait to…watch our first sunrise.” You would say that, Ten.

Vienna & Jake’s Date

1) Per custom, Vienna straight-arm runs at Jake. She brought him a pirate patch. They toast to their good times together. It’s the worst.

2) On a boat dubbed “The Unicorn” Jake declares that Vienna is playful. Judging by the heinous fairy tattoo on her hip, I’ll SAY she’s playful. Nast.

3) An orchestra rendition of “on the wings of love” swells as they vigorously make out on the deck of the boat.

4) Jake tells the camera: “I see a lot of myself in Vienna.” Yikes. Do you also have a fairy tattoo, Jake? Wait. Don’t answer that.

5) Jake smacks Vienna on her butt with a sword and grunts “Walk the plaaank!” in what he thinks is a pirate voice but actually sounds like a sumo wrestler.

6) They roll around in the ocean and sand and try not to do the deed on national television but they get pretty darn close.

7) Jake legit asks Vienna what type of ring she would like. Skinny band? Bling around it? Platinum or white gold? Princess cut?

8. Jake: “It makes my heart glow to know that Vienna is in love with me.” Classic Jake.

9) The bust up in the fantasy suite and immediately the sexy music swells. Vienna leaves to change. She comes out in lingerie. They start to make out on the bed and I wonder when the abc camera guy is going to pan away so I don’t have to see the nasty nasty.

She’s Baaaaack

1) Jake is preparing his skin with several anti-aging creams in his room when the phone suddenly rings. He hastily answers it. Ali announces herself and then stays silent on the line for a while. She grumbles that she made the wrong choice and waits for him to speak.

2) “Just…just wait a minute, I need to process this sheezy.” says Jake as he vigorously massages his forehead. “When you drove away it was like you drove away with a piece of my heart. The time that we missed together this week was so critical.” Ali grumbles/whines. “When you left me it forced me to put what I had with you aside,” Jake continues, “I  can’t send anybody home to take your ridiculous self back. I don’t think its good for you to come back…you were a major beezy for leaving.” (further grumbling on Ali’s part)

3) Ali says that she will forever regret the decision to leave. Grandma is looking down on this situation and she is not smiling. While Ali sighs forlornly on the phone, Jake feels incredibly awkward and wants to hang up but neither of them have any idea how to end the conversation.

Rose Ceremony

1) The girls leave Jake video messages. Tenley tells him that she can’t wait to have babies with him. Reminded me of this:

2) Gia looks like a fairy princess in her sparkly blue dress.

3) Vienna’s Video: “I want to wake up in your arms for the rest of my life. I can’t wait to be your wife. You are everything to me.”

4) Gia’s upper lip sweat glistens as she glances over at Vienna. Gia is about to lose it…and then she is eliminated. All I have to say is, watch out Jake. Her mom has voodoo witchcraft cards.

5) Jake goes back and group hugs the other two girls. Awk.

-V