Tag Archives: finale

JP Wins

He may be bald and he may lack distinct eyebrows, but he stole our bachelorette’s heart. Alright, I’ll give JP more credit… he actually is a pretty good looking guy. And apparently his kisses are like heaven, so who can blame a girl? But I’ll admit, I do blame her a little for relentlessly stringing my boy Ben along. Reality show or no, that was just dirty. Did you hear his tearful camera confessional?! About how he lost part of his family and can’t wait for a new addition? Talk about rough.

Feelin' miiiighty smug

I could rant more about how Ben is the man of my dreams and how I would totally choose him if I were the bachelorette, despite his awkward hair/behavior at times…but then we wouldn’t get to the juicy parts of this recap. From a tatted up beezy sister to steamy final dates, this finale offers more than a little to discuss. Let’s begin, shall we?

 

JP’s family time

1) We are introduced to Ashley’s mom, dad, brother and sister. They are an interesting looking crew, to say the least. Ashley’s sister looks like a Tim Burton character/a hotter version of Amy Winehouse (too soon to make a reference? I felt iffy about it) and her brother appears to have no idea what this show is all about. He’s just here for a free vacation and a sweet new shell necklace.

2) Ashley sits down with the family and sis wastes no time in diving right into the heavy stuff. “Are you in love?” she asks Ashley. Ash replies with a timid yes. “I don’t believe you. You think you’re ready to be engaged? Yikes, I doubt that, sis. I really do. When I see these guys for myself I’ll be able to make the decision for you.”

3) JP joins the fam and they all sit down for a bite to eat. Mom immediately makes a toast and welcomes him into the family and she’s literally known him for five minutes. The camera pans across the faces around the table:

Ashley – laughing
JP – smiling at Ashley
Brother – playing with shell necklace
Mom – kicking back glass of wine #2
Stepdad – staring into space and smiling
Sister – death stare at JP / possibly muttering wiccan curses

4) Sister decides to break the light hearted mood because she’s had about enough of that. “So, JP, I know my mom just welcomed you into the family (rolls eyes) but I haven’t yet. So, why don’t you wipe that grin off your face and get ready to be shut down on national television. Ashley, does he make you laugh?”

Ash is so caught off guard by her sister’s abrasive demeanor that it takes her a few seconds to process the question. Sis takes that as a red flag and flashes a look at the family. “I uh…make myself laugh I guess…?” says Ash. JP gives her the death stare. “Wrong answer, love muffin. Try again,” he says.

….well that was uncomfortable.

5) Later, Mom and sis sit down with Ashley for a chat:

Sis: I don’t think he’s right for you. He doesn’t make you laugh, Ashley. Do you want an entire lifetime of no laughing?! That would be the worst. Plus he’s super ancient. You have too much energy for him; he would legitimately need a pacemaker after a year of being married to you.

Ashley: (Immediately bursts into tears) I thought you would like him! You don’t even know him, how could you say this?!

Sis: Listen trick, you get too wrapped up in your emotions. Look at me, Ashley. Look at me. Do you see this (gestures toward arms and body in general)?! Do you seriously want to defy me right now? My geisha tattoo will jump off of my arm and slice you with her flower patterned fan.

6) Ashley goes to cry it out and complain about how rude her sister is to her brother. He stares and mumbles a few things but he’s really just pissed that she’s cutting into his beach time. One rarely gets the opportunity to live it up in Fiji. Can’t blame him.

7) JP and sis sit down for a chat. True to her nature, she wastes no time in beginning the attack. “Listen PJ….oh, it’s JP? Whatever. I don’t see you two together. How old are you? Yeahhhh, too old. So just leave my sister alone, okay?”

JP’s face goes red. “But…there’s a lot to our relationship that you don’t realize,” he says.

"What part of 'you suck' and 'i hate you' are you not getting?"

“Alright, well I guess I’m not being frank enough,” says sis. ” You’re way old, okay? I’m wondering, why hasn’t this guy found anyone yet?! And I’m thinking to myself, what does this sicko creep want with my baby sister? Do you want to make her your sex slave? Do you want to take weird pictures of her and put them on the internet? Do you have some creepy fetish for young women? I don’t know, PJ, you tell me.”

JP tries to convince sis that he’s not a creeper but she’s not having it.

“Okay, let me shut you down some more, because you clearly aren’t getting it. I obviously need to insult you further to make you feel as worthless as possible. I may have only watched you for 15 minutes, but I saw no connection. I saw more of a connection with Brad, okay? Are you enjoying being sloppy second to that guy?! You disgust me.”

JP is exasperated, but he doesn’t give up: “So…would you be mad if I proposed to her?” Come on, JP. That goes without saying at this point.

8. After the great bachelor beat down of 2011, JP goes off to the beach to lick his wounds. Ashley joins him and admits that her sister’s opinion is very important to her. She makes him feel worse about the whole situation, and then he leaves.

9) Ashley sits down with her sister to figure out what she did to break JP’s spirit. The little engine that could, who triumphed in the boxing rings of Japan against all odds, is nowhere in sight.

Ash: You made him feel like a failure! He felt like there was nothing he could say to change your mind.

Sis: (face full of attitude) That’s cuz there wasn’t.

Ash: You are being such a B****! And I feel like I’m a freaking prisoner in Azkaban over here! I’m so alone right now and you are not being a good sister.

*Note: This show rips families apart.

10) Sister decides to go complain to mom. “She was completely in love with some fraud a few weeks ago! Mom, this girl is crazy and we both know it.” Alright, she makes a good point there. Ashley’s infatuation with he-who-must-not-be-named was both unhealthy and concerning.

ben’s family time

1) Ashley greets Ben and immediately warns him that her sister might shut him down like a stone cold beezy. He doesn’t seem too worried.

2) After chatting for a while, Ben and Ashley stand up and perform their “talking-to-the-dog” voices for the family. Sis is loving the entertainment, but I’m not. Ashley’s doggie voice makes my ears bleed.

3) Sis takes Ben aside to chat him up. The 50’s pin up girl on her shoulder gives him the old up and down. Approval on behalf of both sister and her tats, it seems. Apparently, Ben and sis are on a nickname basis. “Oh, Bennyboo!” says sis, “I can tell my sister likes you a lot.”

…who is this woman?! Is this the same queen of death that roasted JP alive and then ate his smile for dinner?

4) “Your sister and I are best friends,” Ben explains. “that’s why I’m in love with her. It’s perfect.”

5) Ben and Ashley take a walk along the beach after family time and Ben expresses his complete confidence in their relationship. They make out and she grabs his entire right butt cheek as he walks away. Down, girl.

Ben & Ashley’s final date

1) “On this date, we are gonna get down and dirty,” Ash says wickedly. Surprised she didn’t growl.

2) She leads him to a mud bath and they strip down to their swim wear and jump in. As seen on their previous date, these two enjoy rubbing each other’s bodies down, so we aren’t surprised in the least to see that they immediately begin rubbing mud in every nook and cranny of the other’s  anatomy. At one point, Ash even lifts the tiny triangle of her swim suit to expose and rub mud on her little pectoral muscle. Inappropriate behavior, to say the least.

Ashley leading Ben on mercilessly.

3) Later, at the hotel, Ben tells Ashley that he asked her family’s permission to marry her and tells her that he loves her. She responds by pulling him on top of her and wrapping her legs around him for some hot and heavy kissing.

 

jp & Ashley’s Final date

1) Um…did Ashley’s boobs grow three cup sizes between now and yesterday? It seems as though Ashley busted out the push up bikini top for this date. We should have known right then and there that JP would win. Ash went through the trouble of pushing her pecs to new heights.

2) Ashley and JP begin a heated discussion:

JP: I think we are a perfect fit.

Ash:  Uh…really? Because I don’t know what you mean. I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who likes to talk in demonic voices to their pets.

JP: Well, maybe I don’t do stupid things like that, but I’m right for you, trust me.

3) Ashley takes his word for it and they stroll down the beach. Naturally, they pause in the ankle high waves and make out. JP rips off her sarong.

4) Later, in the hotel room, JP pulls out a basket that holds a photo album he created of their memories together. He wrote a precious letter on the inside of the book and she reads it out loud. Well played, sir.

Final rose ceremony

1) Ashley wakes up for the big day, slips into a silk robe and journals for a bit. Then she goes for a walk along the beach and reflects over the decision she has made. “I just really hope the one I choose feels the same way about me,” her voice over says. Um, are you serious? Both of them confessed being in love with you mere hours ago. I honestly think sometimes this girl just says things to hear herself talk.

2) Ashley puts on what I believe is an unfortunate choice of gown for the big moment and heads out to stand on a platform in front of the ocean. She watches the planes circle over head and prepares for the proposals to come.

Suddenly, the brush near the platform ruffles, and a man’s foot emerges, followed by a well-toned leg. The camera pans up and there stands Bentley, liberated from his hiding spot. Just when we think things can’t get any crazier, he reaches behind him and pulls an adorable blonde girl from out of the bushes. “Marry me, Ashley, and be Cozy’s new mother,” he says.

Haha, jk. That didn’t happen. But what if it did? Biggest upset in Bachelorette history.

3) The first plane touches down and Ben emerges. A sexy-as-always Harrison escorts Ben down the long walk to his doom. He walks up to Ashley and her face has “I’m about to ruin your life” written all over it, but for some reason, he doesn’t detect it. She starts to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t speak. I have something to say: I’m obsessed and in love with you.” He gets down on a knee and proposes.

crickets.

Ashley looks like she’s about to throw up. She says no. Ben walks away. “WAIT!” Ashley cries and runs after him. “I don’t want this to end on bad terms!” Ben is pissed. “Good things don’t end unless badly, stupid girl. JP’s a great guy hope you have a nice life together.” And then he’s outy like last year.

4) Ashley bounces back from that drama pretty quickly and gives JP’s plane a boisterous wave as it flies overhead.

5) JP has a perfect speech prepared. Part of it goes something like this: “You always say I smile all the time and that it will give me wrinkles when I’m older. But it’s because you make me smile.”

Am I the only one thinking that now would be a great time for JP to bust out an acapella rendition of “U Smile” by Justin Bieber? Your bad, JP.

6) Welp, Ben didn’t win, but the ring that JP picked out took my breath away. Who cares about the guy when the rock looks like that?!

BOOM.

after the final rose

I won’t go into too much detail about this, mostly because I’m exhausted after writing that recap, but I do have a few general comments/critiques/concerns to make:

1) It’s unfortunate that Ben chose to flat iron his hair and part it down the center for this event. So very unfortunate.

What's happening, Ben? I know you're heartbroken, but that's no reason to let yourself go.

2) While we’re on the subject of hair, I was also concerned about Ashley’s decision to dye hers purplish black.

3) Ben’s first comment to Ashley is: “Nice ring.” Yikes, bitter much?

4) The past few months since the end of the show haven’t changed Ashley a bit. She’s still saying ridiculous things. For example: “[toBen] Hopefully we’ll always have a friendship” Ash….that’s not how these things work.

5) The final rose show is interrupted by some ridiculous promo for a new show in which two brothers try to hide a briefcase from private investigators and are instructed  by a cheap Tom Cruise impersonator. Thanks but no thanks, abc.

6) Big sis comes onstage and redeems her beezy self and even goes so far as to say “shame on me!” which is greeted by thunderous applause by the studio audience of housewives.

Ben for the next Bachelor? Ashley’s sister for the next Bachelorette? Please?

Until next season….or until Bachelor Pad (which is going to be awesome) if I decide to blog about it. Thanks for reading this season!

Totes in love...for the moment. Who else is taking bets on how long it will last??

-V

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The Men Tell All

I just have one thing to say about last night’s Men Tell All show: Ryan better not be the next bachelor. Seriously, abc. For real. The man prepared for this season by reading books about how to fall in love. As if that weren’t enough, he made “extensive notes” about it. Then he scribbled away in his journal with what I imagine to be an elvin-like glee. He probably giggled incessantly while doing all of the above. I can’t handle a whole season of that insanity, I just can’t. If Ryan is our next bachelor, I’m done with this show.

Who am I kidding, I’ll still watch. But I will be severely perturbed to say the least. Cheers to tonight, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will Ashley choose? A slightly emotional and bald New York native? Or a scraggly-haired yet ridiculously charming wine maker? We find out tonight! Check back for my recap of the finale later this week.

Can't wait to see creepy-lookin jeweler guy Neil Lane again.

-V

The Women Tell All

The music swells and the studio audience of middle-aged housewives screams as a suave, youthful gentleman greets the camera.

….Wait. Is that…Harrison? This manly creature that stands before us in a chic suit and a new, gelled hair style? This man can’t be married and a father of two. His carefully crafted tendrils are a thing of modern style, and he is having no trouble keeping up with men in their 20’s. Loving the look, Hare. Give those bachelors-to-be a run for their money.

Harrison stifles the screams throughout the audience by launching into a look back on our favorite moments from the season.

1) A considerably lighter Chantal smacks Brad across the face.

2) Madison “fangs” Garton hisses at the camera.

3) Michelle‘s various shenanigans:

a.  The mysterious black eye

b. The pre-rose ceremony rape, featuring the zebra print dress and the straddling/manhandling of Brad.

Brad quote: “I’m a man that can be blindsided by beauty.”

…Yeah. That, or blindsided by rape. No biggie.

Next, Harrison gives us a peek at Bachelor Nation and the exciting things America’s viewers have to look forward to this summer season.

1) We are transported into Bachelor world, which is occupied by the has-beens of the past, who couldn’t quite make the cut in the quest  to find love.

2) Hundreds of bachelors and bachelorettes past party it up in what appears to be the bachelor mansion. From Crazy Kasey to Rated R Justin, absolutely everyone has made an appearance.

3) In true Bachelor form, the party is well stocked with booze, sexy/borderline trashy people and a swimming pool or two. This is a recipe for unwanted pregnancies, STD’s and mornings filled with regret.

4) The party appears to be in full swing. This is indicated by the camera’s tight shots of Craig from Ali’s season sticking his tongue into Ashleigh’s, from Jake’s season, mouth. In addition to this, people have begun to jump into the pool and dry hump one another (wait…should that be wet hump? ew.)

5) We learn that many present at the party will be contestants on this summer’s season of BACHELOR PAD. Awwww yeeeeah. Contestant number one?A fan favorite: Vienna.

“I’d be great for Bachelor Pad because I’m a scheemer….heee heeee.”

No exaggeration, folks. She actually said “heee heee”.

6) It is brought to America’s attention that Vienna and Wes had a sexual rendezvous behind Gia’s back. Well, that’s gross.

According to Twitter evidence, however, it appears that Vienna and Guard-Your-Heart Kasey are involved in some way. Well, that’s a match-made in heaven. They both have unacceptable tattoos.

…Is that a….fairy with antennas??

Natalie’s face describes exactly how I feel about that heinous atrocity.

The show transitions into what we all tuned in for: The Women Tell All – Special Edition: Pound on Michelle.

1) Each of the girls wave hello to the audience. I don’t really remember most of them. The camera scans over a Snooki-colored brunette with bangs. Wait…that’s Ashley the dentist with a new look. Sadly, her transition to chic didn’t go as smoothly as our host Chris Harrison’s did. The verdict? Love the hair, hate the self tanner.

2) Do we all remember the Great Cat Fight of 2010? Opponents Raichel and Melissa squared off in a battle that consisted of the following high points:

a. Melissa attacking Raichel as Raichel shoots a glance at the camera that is reminiscent of Jim from The Office.

b. Melissa devastating Raichel with the earth-shattering attack of, “Nooo actuallllyyy YOU are a psycho.”

c. Raichel’s counter-attack of “You are toxic and poisonous.”

3) Harrison Quote: “Well, for a host, this is a buffet.”

That’s right, Hare. Gorge yourself on the sadness and desperation of 20- something’s in search of love. I’d do the same.

4) The girls waste no time in launching an attack on Michelle. Jackie leads the charge. Was anybody else surprised by this? Homegirl is sassy. And I like it.

Jackie Quote: “You’re not funny. I don’t like you. And I’m going to equate you to a spider. You’re creepy…and everyone’s afraid of you.”

Well, I had an idea of how the girls felt about Michelle, but after that comparison, the reality of Michelle’s insanity really hit home. Because nothing is more terrifying than a spider.

5) Don’t worry, Michelle has rehearsed her reaction to this news. She knew full well that America would hate her after seeing the show, so she had already practiced crying in the mirror for weeks in advance.

6) “I left my daughter,” she whimpers. “I missed her so much and I felt so guilty for leaving her. I think that’s why I was such a terrible beezy on the show.”

Michelle has a daughter? I wasn’t able to catch that news between her adamantly insisting that she turned 30/got a black eye/hates Chantal and her  frequent sexual assaults on Brad. Interesting.

7) Harrison decides that he will come back to Michelle later. For now, he’d like to address the Raichel v. Melissa issue.

8. Melissa gets in the hot-seat. What is she wearing over her cocktail dress?? A button-up lace nightie? That belongs to an 80-year-old?

9) We take a look back on Melissa’s alone time with Brad. She cries on his shoulder about being the “targeted girl” in the house and then, mid-sentence, exclaims, “OH GOSH. I shouldn’t have had that slice of pizza. It had onions and pepper on it. And I had like 4 slices. OH EM GEE I’m sorry that I have onion breath!!” Brad has no discernible reaction to the onion-breath news.

10) After seeing the footage, Melissa simply says that she doesn’t feel that she ever instigated anything with Raichel.

Raichel’s rebuttal: “You were frantic, you were frazzled, and you were freakin everybody out!” I like this girl’s use of alliteration. “He was grossed out by you, ONION BREATH!”

Yikes. Hope that nickname doesn’t stick.

Feisty Jackie pipes in: “Brad didn’t want to be with you, Melissa, because you were actin a fool.”  Duh duh dang.

11) Finally, Harrison gets back to the true task at hand: pounding on Michelle. She sits on the hot-seat, chokes out a few tears and repeats the rehearsed line about her daughter, etc.

Harrison: “I found you unbelievably entertaining. I thought you were hysterical.”

No, Harrison. No.

12) Michelle takes this as encouragement and gets involved in some seriously ugly crying. Her breath is catching in her chest, she can barely breathe and she might be hiccuping a little. But her waterproof mascara sure is holding up. Good thing she invested in that cosmetic wonder before coming to the show.

13) The women are enraged by this display. For a moment I think they might actually burn her at the stake on live television….but Harrison settles them down with the international kill sign (a hand moving in a slicing motion over the jugular). He takes Michelle’s feelings pretty seriously.

14) Jackie puts her final two cents in: “You are so shady.”

15) We turn our attention away from Michelle to focus on Ashley. She seems pretty happy, even though she sabotaged her love affair with Brad. Could this be because she’s been asked to be the next Bachelorette? Just sayin.

16) Brad comes out to face the women and he’s way excited about it. He compliments all of the women and tells America that he’s in love.

Harrison Quote: “Good, cuz we aint doin this again, I’m telling you right now.”

So who will it be – Emily or Chantal? The finale is next week. Stay tuned for the drama.

-V

P.S. This is gross

I just threw up a little.