My avid readers… Now that the Bachelorette is over, I suppose I’ll have to search the world around me for other topics to write on…that is until next season begins (fingers crossed for Break Dancin’ Mikey for the next bachelor!!). I’m sure my topics to come won’t be quite as spicy as bachelorette commentary, but I’m hoping that they will remain as wildly entertaining. Then again, things just don’t seem as entertaining without mango mango polish and green shorts. But I shall do my best.
Sadly, the topic of Ed’s skeet shorts aren’t far off the mark when it comes to the topic of this post. Brace yourselves.
Last Friday, I was out with my friends at Andy’s Frozen Custard. As we stood there, deliberating over what flavor to choose, my eyes carelessly wandered over the crowd of people around us. There was your usual mix of Friday night Midwestern Americans…families…bikers in leather…college age kids…and high schoolers. My eyes lingered over a group of high schoolers that looked to be around 18 years of age.
As I gazed upon the high school girls within the group, I realized with horror that the days of coochie cutting shorts are not over. Far from it. I frantically glanced at every girl in the group, hoping for one shred of decency in any of their attire and yet, each girl wore a pair of white, booty hugging, barely-there shorts.
ALAS. What is fashion coming to?! I once thought of my town as progressive – and definitely trendy. I would still like to think this. But I’m beginning to doubt this as I observe the youth of today. High school girls are running around in denim underwear and calling them shorts! These girls hang on to the american eagle shorts that they sported in middle school for dear life, squeezing into them and sauntering around town. Only God knows how they are able to button those things up!
And don’t even get me started on the sophie shorts that girls buy and roll until they barely cover the bottom of their butt cheeks. I remember this being the style in middle school, but let it go ladies! In middle school, you didn’t have a butt. And now you do, so cover it. Yes, girls. You have beautiful legs. And I believe that you should show them – I promise I do. But I would not like to see your butts. Leave a little mystery about yourselves. I tried to sneak a picture of these shorts to show you guys, but that could possibly be illegal, right? And…it’s super creepy to snap pics of a teenage girl’s bum.
As vomit began to rise in my throat at the sight of young women’s sad fashion sense, I had an epiphany. This is only the beginning. Those shorts are just going to keep getting shorter and shorter. And then: THE LEOTARD. For those of you who have not read this post, refer to it: https://brookeandvanessa.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/leos-a-fashion-travesty/
Did I not already prophesy this coming?! The leotard is rising. As the shorts get shorter and shorter, the leotard lurks, awaiting its chance to return. RESIST, ladies! I’m begging you, resist. The day I log onto facebook and see “party pictures” with girls tearing up the dance floor, red cups in hand – wearing leotards – is the day I check out. I can’t take it. Don’t make me live through the agony.
Keep it classy. Wear shorts that fit your body. Here are a few examples of what to wear:
Look! Famous people do it! You can too!
Look at how sexy sexy! White shorts that don’t cut off the circulation to your lady parts. Just give it a try, I promise they look good and they make you feel even better!
And looky here! You can still sport your denim. Maybe tights aren’t really your style, but focus on the shorts here, ladies. The fibers won’t fuse to your thighs if you give yourself a little leg room, like the women above have done.
Sorry. Had to add that one in. Now those are some shorts. Helloooo Mr. President.
Do not. I repeat. DO NOT wear any shorts remotely similar to the following:
Aaaand that’s denim underwear. Not shorts. Not shorts at all. Don’t you dare do this. Sadly, this picture is dangerously similar to the shorts that I witnessed on Friday night. Stop this madness, people!
p.s. Fellas…if I see you wearing these…God help me.