Tag Archives: Hometown Date

Hometown happenings

Hometown dates are among my top three favorite events of every bachelor/ette season. Why? Because you don’t quite know a person until you’ve met their family. Who would have known that Constantine was born from a legend of a man who most likely coined the term and invented “making it rain“?  And who would have guessed that Ames grew up in a house that has bookshelves on literally every wall? Oh wait, we could have guessed that.

Despite his cultured upbringing and astonishing poise, Ames was sent packing this week. I must admit, it was sad to see him go. It took me a while to warm up to his abnormally large forehead, impossibly perfect and denture-like front teeth, and delicate nature, but I did start to like him. Let’s take a look back at the events leading up to his unfortunate departure.

This week, Ashley is visiting the hometowns of all of her suitors. While bustling around her apartment in preparation for her travels, she takes a look back on her relationships with each of the men. Her thoughts on each, in a sentence:

Ben: I love him and his long hair.
Constantine: He’s the total package.
Ames: He’s…unique.
JP: I feel secure and comfortable around him.

Deduce what you will from these statements but…she only used the word “love” in Ben’s description. Just sayin.

Constantine’s hometown

1) As if having the first name ‘Constantine’ weren’t enough, we discover that his middle name is Demetri. But, I’m actually fine with it, because it reminds me of this guy, who is hilarious and perfect.

2) Constantine takes Ashley to his restaurant and immediately puts her to work. After high fiving the cooks and snuggling with the waitresses, Constantine takes Ash to the kitchen, where he instructs her on how to prepare a pan pizza.

Making a pizza together definitely has the potential to be cute but…if I were Ashley, I’d much rather just sit on the counter and watch him make me a pizza because a) this is a date, I shouldn’t have to risk getting burned by a pizza oven before enjoying my meal b) cooking sucks and c) guys are sexy when they cook. But that’s just me.

3) After leaving the restaurant, they roll up to Constantine’s parents’ house. We can already tell it’s gonna be party time in no time because balloons and a ‘welcome home’ banner are strewn across the entrance. And because Constantine’s father is greek.

4) Constantine’s papa speaks to the camera: “Oh my boy, my son, my Constantine. Will he be happy spending life with scrawny, non-greek girl? Well…I don’t know.” Uh oh. Signs aren’t pointing to yes for a future engagement between these two. Because old foreign men are always right.

5) After a traditional greek feast, the family and Ashley are sitting in the living room when the front door suddenly bursts open and a flood of people rush in. Babies are sailing through the air and being caught all over the room, children are ducking under legs and squealing, middle-aged women are pinching cheeks left and right. Is this a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Nope. This is real life. Constantine’s family is AWESOME.

6) Well, it’s not a greek party unless there’s dancing. And unless there is money falling from the sky. The family gets into a circle and dances around the room. Before we realize what is happening, papa is standing in the middle and making it rain all over the place. It’s a good thing Ashley opted out of wearing one of her backless shirts/skin-tight booty shorts/anything else she typically wears because she’s tiny and can get away with it, because otherwise we would all assume other reasons for money being thrown at her.

dolla dolla bills y'all

ames’ hometown

1) “Ashley and I are like boyfriend and girlfriend,” Ames tells the camera. Oh, Ames. We forgive you for sounding like you are in 5th grade. Between a rigorous study schedule and drawing up theories of relativity to counter Einstein’s work in your spare time, you have understandably fallen behind in the dating scene.

2) Ames looks rather adorable in a plaid button up (always a good choice). He immediately whisks Ashley off to meet his family. Ames’ sister wastes no time in having a chat with the bachelorette.

Sister: “Are you comfortable with him?”

Ashley: “Well, Ames is very unique.”

Sister: “But do you actually like him?”

Ashley: “He’s unlike anybody I’ve ever met before.”

Sister: “Well, he’s amazing, just so you know. Not only is he ridiculously in shape, he’s also smart and he’s traveled the world.”

Ashley: “…….”

Sister: “But you know what, I wouldn’t expect you to understand him. He’s like an onion – you have to peel off all of the layers.”

Waaaaait a minute! Did anybody else catch that? She totally stole that line from Shrek.

Ames’ sister leaves Ashley to have a chat with Ames.

Sister: “I can see that you like what’s-her-name, which is beyond me, but anyway…I don’t think she’s into you.”

Ames: “According to what I’ve read and in conjunction with my personal studies, sister, love is a complicated and fickle creature. My original checklist of requirements for my mate included an education from at least 3 ivy league schools, a mastery of 3 to 4 languages and a deep appreciation for international cultures. After meeting Ashley, however, I have obviously thrown that checklist to the high winds. She may be ditsy and unappreciative of modest clothing, but she is energetic and I love her.”

3) Ames decides to kick the romance up a notch to convince Ashley to love him back. He takes her to a gathering of magnolia trees and it is possibly the most romantic setting for a picnic I have ever seen.

If my future husband ever reads this, I want to be proposed to here. Just so you know.

4) Ames tells Ashley that he went to boarding school and was a “bad student”. Yeah right, like we’re gonna believe that. He then starts to talk about extraordinary moments in ordinary life. ….Is that poetry? Is he quoting John Keats? Nope, that’s just Ames having every day conversation. What a guy.

He is way over Ashley’s head with all of his amazingness, so all she can do is stare and say “You are unlike any man I’ve ever met before.” Duh, Ashley. He’s a genius.

4) Ames takes Ashley on a horse-drawn carriage ride next and it looks straight out of a fairytale. I never thought I’d say this but….marry me, Ames?

Ben’s hometown

1) Ashley finds Ben wildly attractive. “Everything about him screams sexiness to me,” she tells the camera.

2) Ben takes her to his winery and then takes her outside to sit on the damp porch of what appears to be an abandoned house while it rains outside. Alright, not his best idea, but he’s still Ben. So I’ll look past it.

3) Ben admits that he has only brought one girl to meet his mother before and that his past relationships haven’t lasted very long. “If my mom and sister don’t like you, you’re as good as dead to me,” he tells her. Harsh, but direct. I can dig it.

....What is this?! Seriously, abc needs to release an out-takes dvd, stat.

4) Ashley meets Ben’s mom and sister and the four sit down for dinner. Ben’s sister tells Ash that she signed Ben up for  the show because she hated all the other girls he’s dated. She figured hooking him up with some rando who gets her mack on with a dozen other guys at the same time as him would be ideal. Sisters be crazy.

5) Ben has a precious conversation with his mom. “I want to model my relationship after you and dad,” he tells her. “Dad is looking down on you and he’s sayin ‘well done’, he is so proud of you,” says mom.

Uh…I just saw Harry Potter a few days ago, I don’t need to jump on yet another emotional roller coaster, folks. I can’t handle the man tears. I know I was just really into Ames a second ago but oh my gosh…..BEN.

jp’s hometown

1) JP takes Ashley roller skating. She acts all, “I’m gonna fall, I suck at skating!”, but then she skates circles around the rink like she was born on wheels. Not cute, Ash.

2) JP wipes out a good two or three times, which gives Ashley ample time to lay beside him and make out in the middle of the rink. Good thing he rented it out for the day, I’d hate to see a little tot’s birthday party ruined by such a display. Who needs Mtv when you’ve got The Bachelor to steal away innocence?

Eaaaaaaasy girl, watch the hand.

3) JP tells Ash that he’s had his heart broken, and that he’s been unsure of every other girl  he’s dated. “How do you know you are sure about me, then?” asks Ashley. “I’m on a high when I’m with you,” he says. “When I’m without you I’m miserable and it sucks. I don’t want to be without you.” …..somebody pregamed for this date by watching Titanic and got in a real sappy mood.

4) The couple arrive at JP’s mom’s house and mom grills JP on his feelings for Ashley. “Are you in love with her?” asks mom. “Uh…I mean, there are signs pointing toward it but I’m having difficulty saying yes.”

I’m surprised by this. After JP’s behavior last week (do we all remember the temper tantrum?) I was expecting him to fully admit that he’s fallen for Ash. Interesting.

5) The date is ended on the best note possible. Mom pulls out a poster-size photo of JP as a child. Was JP a character on an 80’s TV series?! The mullet. The tie. The striped shirt. It’s all just too good.

rose ceremony

1) I was expecting either Ames or Constantine to go home. Since Ames left this week, she better send Constantine home next week. Seriously.

2) Poor Ames looked so bewildered when his name wasn’t called, I actually felt like crying a little. Despite being devastated, he exits the show gracefully. Ashley sits with him on a bench and he says “I’m lucky to have had you in my life. I’m composed all the time, but now I don’t know what to do…This has been totally beautiful and full of the unexpected and even more poetic than I could have ever imagined.”

Um…you are more poetic than we could have ever imagined. Dang, boy. Ames for the next bachelor? We can hope. In the meantime, we’ll keep our eyes peeled for him on the next season of Bachelor Pad (premiering Monday, August 8).

Next Week: The final 3 go to Fiji and, should they choose to forgo their individual rooms, will be able to join Ashley in the Fantasy Suite. Can’t wait.

-V

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Love is patient, love is kind, love is…morbid?

It is a rainy day in New York City and Brad is packing his bags in preparation for upcoming hometown date adventures. That’s right, it’s time to meet the family and Brad is well aware of how serious all of this is getting. This can easily be deciphered from his pensive expression as he stands on the balcony of his hotel room and watches the rain fall.

For some reason unbeknownst to viewers across the nation, Brad has chosen to wear special travel gear, consisting of a dark collared jacket and a….newsboy cap? What is it with men, this show, and terrible headgear? Was I the only one who would never have pegged Brad the bar owner as a newsboy-cap-wearer? Yikes. Not a good look.

Aside from a few graphic tees, Brad has managed to avoid fashion faux pas...until the hat.

Brad gives us a quick run-down on what he thinks about all of the girls so far:

Chantal: She’s super hot, even with her curves….I mean, I literally find a new curve on her every time I see her….but aside from her being sexy, I’m a little worried about the fact that she cries. Every day.

Ashley the Dentist: I like her because she’s so happy and energetic all of the time. She may slightly remind me of a terrier, but I’m willing to look past it.

Shawntel: She’s the only girl who has been consistent throughout this process – no drama. But….she likes to touch dead people.

Emily: I’m in lov…I mean, uh, I really like this girl. But she’s still in love with, well, the love of her life. So….that’s….that.

Brad decides its time to stop thinking and to hop into action. He grabs his crocodile-skin man purse and hops into a cab. First stop: Chantal‘s hometown.

Chantal

1) Brad arrives in Seattle to meet Chantal’s family. Before heading to the parents’ house, they stop by Chantal’s abode. They are greeted at the door by a zoo of animals, the most notable one being a furry creature wearing a t-shirt.

2) The two drink some beers and stroke her animal collection while discussing how on earth she would move her furry friends into his bachelor pad in Texas.

3) They head over to her parents’ house…oh wait. That’s not a house. That’s a mansion. Chantal failed to mention that she’s an heiress. Her bad.

4) Is it just me or does Dad look like he was born in the same year Brad was? And Mom looks like she could be a “real housewife”. This family could very well be BRAVOlebrities in the near future.

5) Mom: “I figured you two could use a home cooked meal!”

Translation: “While I was getting a chemical peel today, our personal chef Geoffrey prepared this feast.”

6) After dinner, Brad and Dad swap battle stories about making it to the top from nothing. They retire to a lounge within the mansion and bond over both having crappy fathers and also discover that they were in the same pledge class in college.  Go figure.

7) Meanwhile, in another lounge, Chantal is talking to Mom and starts to cry. Of course. How are there even any tears left in this woman?!

8. The bromance is still going on with Brad and Dad. They move to the wine cellar and Brad asks Dad’s blessing on his pursuit of Chantal. Asking isn’t necessary – it’s merely a formality. Clearly, Dad will honor the way of their brotherhood in the sacrifice of his first born.

Ashley

1) Ashley takes Brad to the restaurant where she had her first job. She orders her favorite dish: heart disease.

2) The waitress brings out their platter of death-induced-by-inevitable-obesity and speaks to Brad in french. His reply? “Si”

Wrong, Brad. Wrong.

3) Ashley takes Brad to her parents’ house. As soon as the door opens she takes off. She’s doing cartwheels, ricocheting off of the walls and tackling everyone in sight. Everybody else is equally as hyper. They are all hugging and crawling on the floor on all fours and screaming and….it’s chaos.

4) Dad hits pause on the fun and games and pulls Brad aside for a talkin’ to. “Just so you know, if you guys fall in love or whatever, she WILL be finishing her schooling. So bite that off and chew it, Brad.” Brad is undeterred by this news.

Shawntel

1) Shawntel impatiently awaits Brad’s arrival in her funeral home. “Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl,” she says. “Death is an inevitability, so everybody just needs to get with it.” …preach it, sister…?

2) When Brad arrives, she tries to make out, but he’s too busy watching his back for spirits to get into it. So, she goes to plan B: Show him some classy crypts.

3) Brad looks like he could cry and/or hurl up his breakfast when Shawntel shows him the spot that she has reserved for his cremated ashes.

4) Next stop: Embalming room. This place looks like a new-age torture chamber. I mean,  the hooks hanging from the ceiling and the stainless steel tools and the bottles of acid….

5) “Go ahead and lay down on the embalming table,” Shawntel says. Brad’s eyes go wide, but he does as she commands.

Shawntel stares down at a helpless and terrified Brad.

6) Shawntel whips out her collection of tools and gleefully explains all of the ways that she stabs dead corpses and drains their blood. Brad is losing his cool. “I don’t do well with death,” he finally admits after Shawntel tells how much fun it is to sit down with a family and plan a funeral.

7) Shawntel to the camera: “Seeing him on that embalming table was so hot. I’ve never had this before! I want to marry a man who can just lay on an embalming table like that and be fine.”

….He was screaming inside, girlfriend. And I’m sure you noticed the cold sweat that he went into. And his clammy hands. And maybe the fact that he threw up over the side of the table.

8. They finally leave the house of death and head to her parents’. No, her father isn’t Tim Burton, but he might as well be. This guy loves death – he’s been in the business for 40 years.

9) Dad is upset that Shawntel is willing to give up taking over the business to find true love, but he eventually decides that he’s fine with it. The family all sit in the living room and stare at each other. Brad checks behind him for ghosts and swallows hard. And…is that… a tear trickling down his cheek?

Emily

1) Brad arrives in a park, bearing a gift for Emily’s daughter. Emily tries to give Brad a hug upon seeing him, but Ricky is clinging to her waist like a barnacle.

“Hey, Ricky!” Brad says

“Ricky Tick! Don’t you want to say hi to my friend?!” Emily says

“………” Ricky says

“Do you want a present?” Brad says

“……….” Ricky says. And then immediately snatches the gift.

2) Ricky opens the present and her expression says, What tha….what is this?! So, we don’t believe in Barbies anymore, huh.

3) They head to Emily’s place and hang out in Ricky’s playroom, which is actually the size of a modest home. It is full of toys, to include a princess castle and numerous board games.

I guess the days of playing with sticks in the dirt and fighting over which large rock will be your “castle” with your sister are long gone. Yes. That was my childhood. Don’t pity me, it’s how I became the strong woman I am today.

4) After the kid goes to bed, Emily is ready for some lovin, but Brad’s not having it. He acts super awkward and tells her he feels uncomfortable getting frisky while Ricky is upstairs. I say: Get a grip. It’s grown-up time.

Rose Ceremony

Throughout the show, my parents were walking in and out of the room, catching snippets here and there. When the rose ceremony began, they both casually glued their butts to the couch and were riveted, naturally. I’ll include their commentary throughout this section of the recap.

1) Brad is back in New York and talking it out with Harrison

Mom’s opinion: “He needs to get rid of the little bubbly one (Ashley).”

Dad’s opinion: “That one girl (Chantal) is prettier than the blonde one. But I think he should pick the funeral director. They would get along better in a marriage.”

2) I hate to say it, but we all saw it coming. Shawntel the funeral director is sent home. The heavy burden of bearing the dead to the other side in style, by providing a classy crypt and/or a fashionable urn, is a weight that Shawntel must carry alone.

Mom: “Well, he’s the one that’s missin out. She shoulda let that ponytail go, though. It’s not lookin good.”

Dad: “Every night when she kissed him, he would have been thinkin about them dead bodies…She had her hands inside of them…ew.”

Mom: “…And about how she gushed the blood out, and drained it….ugh, how can that be sexy and attractive.”

Dad: “She needs to get her some kind of freaky guy. She’s going to have trouble finding a husband I think.”

“That chubby girl (Chantal) is still the prettiest. But just wait till she has a baby… *whistles* She’s gonna be huge.”

Mom: “Brad needs to go ahead and pick her….save her from herself! She keeps getting bigger with every episode!!! Maybe she could get some of that tummy taken out….Maybe she needs to get together with the mortician and she could hook her up. Find the right ‘entry point’ and that’ll be a wrap.”

Dad: “He needs to get rid of the blonde (Emily) because she’s way too obsessed with her kid.”

Mom: “I want to see the blonde one without makeup. I bet her hair isn’t the only fake thing…she probably has one of those booty pops.”

Me: “What?! What’s a ‘booty pop’?!”

Answer:

Out. Of. Control.

-V