Tag Archives: Lucas

Taiwanese matchmaking

The Bachelorette returned on Monday night and the show was more full of tears and anguish than ever. Ashley didn’t have to bring the water works alone this time, though – she had plenty of help from a normally slap-happy Ryan and a certain (snooze-worthy) Bachelor contestant of the past. This episode also opened our eyes to a few new tid bits of information about our spritely bachelorette, one of the more prevalent ones being that she doesn’t own shirts that properly cover her back. But can we blame her? She’s got a nice set of shoulder blades and, naturally, they need a little breathing room every now and then. It’s the only decent way a good shoulder-blade or two should be treated, as we all know.

Exhibit A

A quote from my mom: “What in the world does she have on?! A handkerchief??”

Exhibit B

This episode takes place in the lovely Taiwan. According to Ashley, Taiwan is a hidden part of Asia that nobody really knows about. I’m thinking maybe she skipped out on 6th grade social studies. Regardless of her level of geographical education, Ash at least seems more decisive and clear on the men that she is truly into this go around.

 Harrison meets the men in front of a hotel. “Sup, fellas? Welcome to the beautiful city of Taipei, Taiwan. This city may be wonderful, but your experiences here probably won’t be. At least one of you will cry at the end of this. And it will probably be the one of you who has a special interest in water heaters. Four of you will make it out of here with a rose and you can then introduce Ashley to your families (winks at JP).”

With that, Harrison the prophet leaves the men to mull over his words and read the date card: “Constantine, let your love-light shine.”

constantine & ashley’s date

1) The couple hops onto a steam engine and head for a small village that specializes in lantern making. As the train pulls into town, Constantine is sure to give a friendly wave to all of the locals. “Hey, what’s up?” he says out of the window to a quizzical looking asian baby as the train slows down.

2) Ash jumps onto Constantine’s back and he carries her over to a big red lantern, on which they draw their “love wishes”.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The next date card arrives. Ames reads it aloud: “Ben, let’s spend a gorgeous day together in Taiwan.”

“And the word gorgeous is spelled “g-o-r-g-e-s,” says Ames. “I actually recited that word in a spelling bee once. When I was three.”

Back at the date…

3) Ashley and Constantine discuss his family and the possibility of them ending up together. “Do you think you could see yourself with me?” asks Ashley. “Uhh…well, I mean, if we fall in love.” Emphasis on the “if”.

4) Ash decides to shake that off and release their lantern into the night sky. Then they decide to make out a little. When they come up for air they realize that the sky has filled with other lanterns just like theirs.

Excuse me…um, Taiwan? Did you rip off your tradition from one of Disney’s recent films?

Who saw Tangled? Just sayin.

This might have had a shot at being more adorable if Ben or JP were there....

Ben and Ashley’s date

1) Ashley and Ben go on a moped ride around Taiwan. The good news is that Ben is adorable when he tells her he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time. The bad news is that he calls her “kiddo”. Pretty sure her request at the beginning of this season was to be called “cupcake” and, although that is slightly nauseating and nearly as bad, it is not quite as disgusting as a man calling a woman “kiddo”.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The group date card arrives and is granted to Lucas, Ames and JP: “I’m grooming you for the big day.”

This means that Ryan has been granted the one-on-one date. His response to this news? “YES!” he exclaims while slamming his right elbow into the left palm of his hand. I’m not sure what kind of opposite-of-a-gang-symbol-because-you-are-too-dorky-to-be-in-a-gang sign that was, but it terrifies me.

Back at the date…

5) Ben and Ashley have relocated to a romantic dinner. Ben basically confesses his love to Ashley and admits that he gets butterflies in his stomach when he kisses her. Alright, a moment of truth: Ben is perfect. I know his hair is in the awkward stage between being long and short, which causes it to flip out strangely above his ears sometimes,  and I realize that he’s kind of dorky but…I think I’m in love with him. Marry me, Ben.

The next morning at the hotel….

Ben has still not come home from his date with Ashley and things aren’t looking pretty over breakfast in the old suite.  JP has become unrecognizable. A demon has possessed the body of what was once a mild tempered and tolerant, love-struck man. The new JP sits alone and in silence, his bulging eyes darting between the men. When he does speak, it is only to drop the f-bomb a dozen times before descending into mute anger once more.

JP with a murderous look in his eye.

 Group DAte

1) Ashley has planned yet another creepy, wedding-themed date for the men to enjoy. Lucas is given traditional Taiwanese garb to wear and, in true hick form, dubs it a dress. Ames dons a glittery, pink and powder blue get-up that is, and I quote, “the offspring of an otstrich and Elton John”, and is an excellent sport about it. JP gets to wear a traditional tuxedo.

Lucas: “JP has been acting like a little girl, so thank God he gets to wear the tux.”

My sentiments exactly, Luke.

2) Lucas and Ash kick off the shindig with a series of “traditional” photos. All is going well until Lucas leans in for a posed kissing photo.

3) Things continue to go downhill for JP during Ames’ photo shoot and by the time it is JP’s turn to pose with Ash, he’s in a more foul mood than ever. He doesn’t get into it at all and the photog struggles to get a picture of him actually smiling.  “These are gonna be the worst photos ever,” Ashley murmurs under her breath. But we aaaaaaall heard it.

4) During the after party, Lucas and Ashley sit down for a chat. “I was pretty pissed off that I had to wear a dress instead of a tux for the pictures,” he admits. “Other than that, I had an okay time.” Are you serious. Alright, I’ve had it. It’s time for these guys to man up. Did they forget what they signed up for? A reality show. Nobody is asking you to wear a Taiwanese dress on your real wedding, Luke. And everybody knows the bachelorette macks on tons of men at once, JP. So let’s all grow a pair and buck up, boys.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

Ryan’s date card arrives: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei”

“OOOOOOO BOY!” he squeals and claps his hands. Somewhere, a fairy is revived and a unicorn jumps over a rainbow.

Back at the date…

5) Ames shares some family photos with Ashley to get her hyped about visiting his hometown. “You are so well-rounded, beautiful and charming,” he tells her. “It would be fantastic for you to meet my family.”

baby genius

6) JP sits down with Ashley. He is sweating profusely and the veins in his forehead are popping. He tells her of the strong feelings he has been having and that he is in fact not as “cool as a cucumber” as she had hoped. Ashley finds his deranged demeanor refreshing and therefore grants him the date rose. Well played, JP.

Ryan and ashley’s date

1) The couple begin their date by crashing a religious ceremony of sorts and Ryan is blown away by the majesty of it all. “People praying with all of their soul really gets me in the romantic mood,” he admits to the camera. I fail to understand that.

2) The pair seek guidance from the matchmaking gods and throw a couple of bricks down. Apparently they landed on the wrong side which isn’t a good sign. As far as Ashley is concerned, this was all she needed to know. Game over, Ryan. The bricks don’t lie.

3) Ashley and Ryan sit down for some lunch. “How do you feel about protecting the environment?” he asks her. “Honestly, I don’t really care, but I’m glad that you do,” she replies. Ryan frowns a little. “Well…don’t you know about water heaters?” he inquires. Ashley starts to cry. “I just…don’t like you Ryan, okay?” For the first time this season, Ryan stops smiling. “You don’t want to meet my family…??” Ashley avoids the question and the two hug it out.

And now, a brief monologue from Ryan:

“I just don’t want to be alone. I want to share this life with someone. [his breath catches in his throat and he looks away from the camera. He gasps for air for a few moments and then turns away, disappearing into the bushes behind him. We hear his muffled curses to the Taiwanese matchmaking gods] Ugh…you’ve got to be kidding me. Geeeeze, man. F***. Oh S***. ”

Somebody get this man an academy award. Breathtaking, heart-wrenching and riveting, all at once. This performance beats out both Jake Pavelka and Jason Mesnick’s balcony cry. Only by a hair, though.

Don't cry. Okay, do. It's kinda funny.

rose ceremony

1) Harrison greets the men and tells them that Ashley will not need a cocktail party to make her decision. As he is explaining this, a bright, golden figure slowly walks across a bridge in the background. What the….is that a Taiwanese phantom? A matchmaking god descending upon earth to have its wrath upon this blasphemous affair?! Nope. That’s awkward Ashley making her way down to the rose ceremony in a gold gown.

2) She finally sends Lucas home. Bout time.

3) Despite having made the absolute right decision, Ashley bursts into tears and tells the camera that she doesn’t know if she’s “cut out for this” and that she thinks she might be “making mistakes”.

….Harrison? Could you come get this girl, please? We need you to set her straight. Thanks.

interview with emily from brad’s season

1) Folks, this was a waste of time. We all saw what happened last season. Brad picked Emily despite the fact that she wasn’t really that into him and she has a bratty kid. None of us were surprised when the two of them broke up but apparently, abc feels as though we are in desperate need of an explanation for their falling out.

2) “Everybody deserves to know what happened,” Emily says. “We aren’t engaged but he will always be a part of my life.”

2)….Yeah, so….what happened? Where’s the scandal? I guess it’s the thought that counts, abc, because we still don’t know why they broke up. And do we even care at this point?? I’d venture to proclaim a resounding NO.

Until next week,
V

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Moving forward (for the hundredth time)

For the past few episodes, Ashley has made bold claims about “moving forward” in her relationships with all of the men. As far as I can tell, the opposite seems to be happening. In fact, after last night’s shenanigans, many of the men seem to now hate her. Between Lucas cursing her name in a southern drawl and Blake smirking over a glass of hard liquor, Ashley was having a really rough time “moving forward”. Oh, well. At least JP and Ben love her; they are the only two that really matter anyway.

The bachelorette is awaiting her men in Hong Kong in this episode. She stands on a busy street as the cars and people rush around her. She’d like to enjoy this beautiful city, but her soul is in turmoil.

“Part of my heart is still with Bentley in the U.S.”

Did anybody else just scream, rip their hair out and/or contemplate setting fire to their television set?

Meanwhile, Harrison is welcoming the men to Hong Kong. He points them in the direction of the hotel where they will be staying and whisks off to pay Ashley a visit. Once they are seated in her hotel room, Harrison looks her square in the eye and lays down a few facts.

“Listen. You have eight outstanding men here and there are some great relationships developing. My biggest fear for you is that in the end, a guy is going to be getting on his knee and you’ll be thinking about Satan, uh, I mean, Bentley. As idiotic as it may be for you to think that you ‘love’ him, I’ve brought him here to talk to you. He’s in the hotel right now.”

Ashley’s face is frozen with fear/surprise. “SHUT UP. No. Shut u – are you SERIOUS.” She clutches her heart and begins to cry. “Is this a joke?! Is this one big lie? You aren’t serious right now, no. No. No.”

You’re right, Ashley. He’s not serious. You thought you were on the Bachelorette, but this is actually an episode of Punk’d. I’m sure Harrison was just looking for an excuse to sit through another one of your emotional break downs because they’re a blast and a half.

Harrison just stares and lets her get it all out before calmly addressing her. “Clearly, your crazed and more than slightly disturbing obsession with Bentley has caused you to forget that I am the perfect man. I’m not here to mess with you, Ashley.”

He jots down Bentley’s room number and slides it over to Ashley, giving her a long, fatherly glare. “Don’t make me regret this. If you don’t get over him immediately after this, I’m quitting.” With that, he leaves her to wander down to Bentley’s room. Ashley arrives at Bentley’s door and knocks. Approximately 15 hours pass. Ashley’s heart is palpitating and she can hardly stand still. She knocks again, this time pressing her lips against the door in mute agony. Another hour passes and then, a muffled, “Who is it?” from within and the door swings open.

There he is. In all of his two-timin’, slime-ballin’ glory. He gives her a smile and she clutches to him, stealing a desperate kiss. Gross.

"Uh oh, my lip gloss is poppin all up on yo mouth. Let me get that, boo"

They have a seat in his room and begin to chat.

B: “I thought about calling but Harrison offered a free trip to Hong Kong so I was like, duh, I’ll be there.”

A: “How’s Cozy?”

B: “Who? Oh, yeah, she’s alright.”

A: “It was so hard when you left, I thought you were the one.”

B: “Yeah girl, me too. Come live with me if it doesn’t work out with JP, okay?”

A: “That’s not fair, you can’t leave it open-ended. I thought you came into my life so we could fall in love.”

B: “I think you know where I’m at, you know where I’m coming from, right. I think you’re here for a purpose.” (note: this makes no sense)

A: (In a sudden twist, her emotions turn to rage) “WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING?! Did you come here to hurt me? Well, mission EFFING accomplished! I’m holding onto a dot dot dot when you should have left with a period. UGH, why is it so HOT IN THIS ROOM!!!”

Ashley storms out of the room. She is livid when she speaks to the camera: “He disrespected me to the core. If you are watching this Bentley, F*** YOU!” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, people.

While Ashley simmers down, the other men are in their  hotel room, reading the first date card: “Lucas, let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Ashley”

lucas & ashley’s date

1) An outright display of rage and dramatics is a tough act to follow, and Lucas’ date struggles from the get-go. The pair walk along a few streets, watch some dragons dance, and it’s super boring.

2) Things start to get a little more interesting when they hop onto a boat. “Do you think I’m the type of girl you would date?” asks Ashley. “Absolutely not, I’m just here for a sweet boat ride,” says Lucas. They both chuckle. Way to avoid the question, you sly dog.

3) Lucas opens up and tells Ashley about the love of his life and the moment he realized that she was a fugly slut and decided he didn’t want her anymore. “I mean…you don’t have to talk about this…” says Ashley.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

The group date card arrives: “Let’s get our hearts racing”

Everyone is called on the date except for JP. BOOM.

group date

1) Ashley greets the men on a beach and informs them that they will be dragon boat racing. They are split up into teams of two and are ordered to walk around and recruit a few locals who can help them row the boats.

2) Team Ryan and Blake immediately locate a local named Domino and have him translate for them.

3) Ames strikes gold when he finds a real-life dragon boat racer. The athlete gets on his iphone and texts all of his team members.

4) Ben and Constantine find zero recruits, but they aren’t worried. They shimmy into red silk robes and hop into their dragon boats.

5) Naturally, the dedication that it takes to be a true scholar is the same that is needed to win a dragon boat race, so Ames comes out the victor. He and Mickey are awarded a trophy and everybody rests on the beach and squints out onto the horizon, searching for Ben and Constantine, who are still lost out on the deep blue sea.

6) At the after party, Ames takes Ashley by the  hand and leads her into an elevator. After his boat racing victory, he’s kicked back a few drinks and loosened his tie. Put him in, coach, he’s ready to get off the bench and play the game. He grabs Ashley and starts to kiss her. We’re all on the same page as Ashley when she exclaims, “Wooaah Ames, where did that come from?!” Who knew this nerd was such a sensual beast?

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The date card arrives for JP: “Let’s take a peek into our future”

Oh, no. Is there a Hong Kong version of Vegas? Run, JP. Run.

Back at the date….

7) Ben is looking dapper in a yellow sweater. He kisses Ashley and then tells the camera that he’s decided he’s falling in love with her. NO, Ben. Save yourself for me.  

8. Ryan and Ashley sit down for a chat. Mid-sentence he grabs her hand and kisses it. She stares at him. “Sorry, I just felt that,” he says. Yikes. “I would love for you to meet my family,” he says. Then he playfully sticks his tongue out. I wish I were lying.

To the amazement and surprise of every viewer, Ashley runs off to fetch the rose and bestows it upon Ryan. His reaction? “SHUSH!!” Come on, girl. You can’t be serious.

Could you love this face?

Ashley & jp’s date

1) “She makes me feel alive,” JP tells the camera. The couple sit down to a steak dinner and pour themselves shots of sake. JP tells Ashley that he can see himself getting down on a knee in the near future.

2) Ashley begins to clutch her heart, as usual, and sweats a little. “What’s wrong?!” JP wonders. “I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s really hard,” says Ashley. “Basically, I was in love with Bentley a day ago.”

JP takes this news rather well. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he’s really disinterested by Bentley (which is refreshing, to say the least) so he just shrugs it off and thanks Ashley for being honest with him.

What a man.

3) After dinner, they hop onto the Hogwarts Express and watch the scenery rush by. JP gets behind her and kisses her neck. Is anybody else going weak at the knees? Oh, wow.

4) Their next stop is a rooftop where they dance to unidentifiable instrumentals and JP tenderly kisses her. Okay, I’ll give it to him. JP is perfect.

Cocktail party // rose ceremony

1) Ashley looks much like Tinker Bell in a sparkly mini dress with her hair pulled back in a top knot. Watch out though – under certain lighting, all of the men and America’s viewers alike get a full view of her thong and butt cheeks. That dress is a taaaaad see through, dear girl.

2) Sadly, displaying her toned tush does not get her out of trouble with the men when she explains to all of them that she had Bentley flown in because she thought she was in love with him mere hours ago.

For a minute, the men are silent. They shoot each other looks to confirm that they are all on the same page. Lucas gives Constantine the nod that he should begin the attack.

An enraged Blake gives Ashley a murderous look and awaits his turn to attack.

Constantine: “Everything that you’ve told us is a lie. You said that the past was behind you, but that’s clearly contradictory because you brought that idiot back here.”

Lucas: “Beezy move, Ash. Why didn’t you get this ‘closure’ earlier? We’re putting a lot on the line to be here, this is a joke!”

Blake: (snickers) “You claim you had such a strong connection in such a short amount of time. Well, it must have felt good to see him again, huh.” (rolls his eyes and kicks back the last of his drink)

Ashley excuses herself to go cry it out. I can’t say I entirely disagree with the men, but it is sad to see little Tink cry.

3) The men continue to bash her behind her back. JP sticks up for her. Ryan goes to comfort her. Constantine becomes the leader of the rally against her:  “Men. We have been wasting away in hospitals with concussions (Ames shuffles his feet and looks away). We have traveled over oceans for her. We have trained in ancient martial arts. Only to waste our time!”

“YEAH!” the men roar.

Woah woah woah….where are the swords and spears? This conversation is on the brink of becoming a medieval riot.

4) Ashley talks to Ames. She asks him how he felt about her Bentley speech. He strokes his chin and answers, “I suppose we would prefer our fairy tales to be simple. But life isn’t as simple as we would hope. In fact, that’s why it’s beautiful.” Can we get this guy a robe and call him pope? A crown and dub him king? A wizard hat and name him Dumbledore? Hell, a cape and call him batman?! What a hero. What a wise sage.

5) Meanwhile, Lucas looks like this.

6) Blake pulls Ashley aside for a chat. He basically says the worst things he can think of while making terribly sassy facial expressions and drinking scotch. She cries again.

7) Mickey sits down with Ash and gives her the stank eye. “I honestly feel lied to,” he says. “Why am I even here anymore? You need to send me home.” Ashley promptly obliges and Mickey rides off in a boat.

8. Once again, Harrison has to sweep in and save Ashley’s sanity.

Ashley: This is so hard.

Harrison: (stares and blinks for a few seconds) “Well, this path is different for every person, and for you it’s just not easy for obvious reasons. Look at your choices. You basically just told all of the men that you fell in love with the closest thing to Satan walking this earth. Can you understand how playing second fiddle to the definition of evil would kill a man’s pride? Yeah, thought so. Now get out there and get rid of Blake, we both know he’s not for  you.”

9) Ashley heads out to the rose ceremony and looks over her men. Ames is an obvious choice for a rose. In addition to surprising us with his impressive demeanor, he’s dressed to the nines in white slacks and a navy blazer with a red tie. That’s right, Ames. You can rock the nautical look from the waist down and the politician look on top. You’re both leisure and business – a renaissance man.

10) Blake peaces out but oh, don’t worry, folks. We haven’t seen the last of him. Blake will be starring in the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.

Next stop: Taiwan.

-V