Tag Archives: Rose Ceremony

JP Wins

He may be bald and he may lack distinct eyebrows, but he stole our bachelorette’s heart. Alright, I’ll give JP more credit… he actually is a pretty good looking guy. And apparently his kisses are like heaven, so who can blame a girl? But I’ll admit, I do blame her a little for relentlessly stringing my boy Ben along. Reality show or no, that was just dirty. Did you hear his tearful camera confessional?! About how he lost part of his family and can’t wait for a new addition? Talk about rough.

Feelin' miiiighty smug

I could rant more about how Ben is the man of my dreams and how I would totally choose him if I were the bachelorette, despite his awkward hair/behavior at times…but then we wouldn’t get to the juicy parts of this recap. From a tatted up beezy sister to steamy final dates, this finale offers more than a little to discuss. Let’s begin, shall we?

 

JP’s family time

1) We are introduced to Ashley’s mom, dad, brother and sister. They are an interesting looking crew, to say the least. Ashley’s sister looks like a Tim Burton character/a hotter version of Amy Winehouse (too soon to make a reference? I felt iffy about it) and her brother appears to have no idea what this show is all about. He’s just here for a free vacation and a sweet new shell necklace.

2) Ashley sits down with the family and sis wastes no time in diving right into the heavy stuff. “Are you in love?” she asks Ashley. Ash replies with a timid yes. “I don’t believe you. You think you’re ready to be engaged? Yikes, I doubt that, sis. I really do. When I see these guys for myself I’ll be able to make the decision for you.”

3) JP joins the fam and they all sit down for a bite to eat. Mom immediately makes a toast and welcomes him into the family and she’s literally known him for five minutes. The camera pans across the faces around the table:

Ashley – laughing
JP – smiling at Ashley
Brother – playing with shell necklace
Mom – kicking back glass of wine #2
Stepdad – staring into space and smiling
Sister – death stare at JP / possibly muttering wiccan curses

4) Sister decides to break the light hearted mood because she’s had about enough of that. “So, JP, I know my mom just welcomed you into the family (rolls eyes) but I haven’t yet. So, why don’t you wipe that grin off your face and get ready to be shut down on national television. Ashley, does he make you laugh?”

Ash is so caught off guard by her sister’s abrasive demeanor that it takes her a few seconds to process the question. Sis takes that as a red flag and flashes a look at the family. “I uh…make myself laugh I guess…?” says Ash. JP gives her the death stare. “Wrong answer, love muffin. Try again,” he says.

….well that was uncomfortable.

5) Later, Mom and sis sit down with Ashley for a chat:

Sis: I don’t think he’s right for you. He doesn’t make you laugh, Ashley. Do you want an entire lifetime of no laughing?! That would be the worst. Plus he’s super ancient. You have too much energy for him; he would legitimately need a pacemaker after a year of being married to you.

Ashley: (Immediately bursts into tears) I thought you would like him! You don’t even know him, how could you say this?!

Sis: Listen trick, you get too wrapped up in your emotions. Look at me, Ashley. Look at me. Do you see this (gestures toward arms and body in general)?! Do you seriously want to defy me right now? My geisha tattoo will jump off of my arm and slice you with her flower patterned fan.

6) Ashley goes to cry it out and complain about how rude her sister is to her brother. He stares and mumbles a few things but he’s really just pissed that she’s cutting into his beach time. One rarely gets the opportunity to live it up in Fiji. Can’t blame him.

7) JP and sis sit down for a chat. True to her nature, she wastes no time in beginning the attack. “Listen PJ….oh, it’s JP? Whatever. I don’t see you two together. How old are you? Yeahhhh, too old. So just leave my sister alone, okay?”

JP’s face goes red. “But…there’s a lot to our relationship that you don’t realize,” he says.

"What part of 'you suck' and 'i hate you' are you not getting?"

“Alright, well I guess I’m not being frank enough,” says sis. ” You’re way old, okay? I’m wondering, why hasn’t this guy found anyone yet?! And I’m thinking to myself, what does this sicko creep want with my baby sister? Do you want to make her your sex slave? Do you want to take weird pictures of her and put them on the internet? Do you have some creepy fetish for young women? I don’t know, PJ, you tell me.”

JP tries to convince sis that he’s not a creeper but she’s not having it.

“Okay, let me shut you down some more, because you clearly aren’t getting it. I obviously need to insult you further to make you feel as worthless as possible. I may have only watched you for 15 minutes, but I saw no connection. I saw more of a connection with Brad, okay? Are you enjoying being sloppy second to that guy?! You disgust me.”

JP is exasperated, but he doesn’t give up: “So…would you be mad if I proposed to her?” Come on, JP. That goes without saying at this point.

8. After the great bachelor beat down of 2011, JP goes off to the beach to lick his wounds. Ashley joins him and admits that her sister’s opinion is very important to her. She makes him feel worse about the whole situation, and then he leaves.

9) Ashley sits down with her sister to figure out what she did to break JP’s spirit. The little engine that could, who triumphed in the boxing rings of Japan against all odds, is nowhere in sight.

Ash: You made him feel like a failure! He felt like there was nothing he could say to change your mind.

Sis: (face full of attitude) That’s cuz there wasn’t.

Ash: You are being such a B****! And I feel like I’m a freaking prisoner in Azkaban over here! I’m so alone right now and you are not being a good sister.

*Note: This show rips families apart.

10) Sister decides to go complain to mom. “She was completely in love with some fraud a few weeks ago! Mom, this girl is crazy and we both know it.” Alright, she makes a good point there. Ashley’s infatuation with he-who-must-not-be-named was both unhealthy and concerning.

ben’s family time

1) Ashley greets Ben and immediately warns him that her sister might shut him down like a stone cold beezy. He doesn’t seem too worried.

2) After chatting for a while, Ben and Ashley stand up and perform their “talking-to-the-dog” voices for the family. Sis is loving the entertainment, but I’m not. Ashley’s doggie voice makes my ears bleed.

3) Sis takes Ben aside to chat him up. The 50’s pin up girl on her shoulder gives him the old up and down. Approval on behalf of both sister and her tats, it seems. Apparently, Ben and sis are on a nickname basis. “Oh, Bennyboo!” says sis, “I can tell my sister likes you a lot.”

…who is this woman?! Is this the same queen of death that roasted JP alive and then ate his smile for dinner?

4) “Your sister and I are best friends,” Ben explains. “that’s why I’m in love with her. It’s perfect.”

5) Ben and Ashley take a walk along the beach after family time and Ben expresses his complete confidence in their relationship. They make out and she grabs his entire right butt cheek as he walks away. Down, girl.

Ben & Ashley’s final date

1) “On this date, we are gonna get down and dirty,” Ash says wickedly. Surprised she didn’t growl.

2) She leads him to a mud bath and they strip down to their swim wear and jump in. As seen on their previous date, these two enjoy rubbing each other’s bodies down, so we aren’t surprised in the least to see that they immediately begin rubbing mud in every nook and cranny of the other’s  anatomy. At one point, Ash even lifts the tiny triangle of her swim suit to expose and rub mud on her little pectoral muscle. Inappropriate behavior, to say the least.

Ashley leading Ben on mercilessly.

3) Later, at the hotel, Ben tells Ashley that he asked her family’s permission to marry her and tells her that he loves her. She responds by pulling him on top of her and wrapping her legs around him for some hot and heavy kissing.

 

jp & Ashley’s Final date

1) Um…did Ashley’s boobs grow three cup sizes between now and yesterday? It seems as though Ashley busted out the push up bikini top for this date. We should have known right then and there that JP would win. Ash went through the trouble of pushing her pecs to new heights.

2) Ashley and JP begin a heated discussion:

JP: I think we are a perfect fit.

Ash:  Uh…really? Because I don’t know what you mean. I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who likes to talk in demonic voices to their pets.

JP: Well, maybe I don’t do stupid things like that, but I’m right for you, trust me.

3) Ashley takes his word for it and they stroll down the beach. Naturally, they pause in the ankle high waves and make out. JP rips off her sarong.

4) Later, in the hotel room, JP pulls out a basket that holds a photo album he created of their memories together. He wrote a precious letter on the inside of the book and she reads it out loud. Well played, sir.

Final rose ceremony

1) Ashley wakes up for the big day, slips into a silk robe and journals for a bit. Then she goes for a walk along the beach and reflects over the decision she has made. “I just really hope the one I choose feels the same way about me,” her voice over says. Um, are you serious? Both of them confessed being in love with you mere hours ago. I honestly think sometimes this girl just says things to hear herself talk.

2) Ashley puts on what I believe is an unfortunate choice of gown for the big moment and heads out to stand on a platform in front of the ocean. She watches the planes circle over head and prepares for the proposals to come.

Suddenly, the brush near the platform ruffles, and a man’s foot emerges, followed by a well-toned leg. The camera pans up and there stands Bentley, liberated from his hiding spot. Just when we think things can’t get any crazier, he reaches behind him and pulls an adorable blonde girl from out of the bushes. “Marry me, Ashley, and be Cozy’s new mother,” he says.

Haha, jk. That didn’t happen. But what if it did? Biggest upset in Bachelorette history.

3) The first plane touches down and Ben emerges. A sexy-as-always Harrison escorts Ben down the long walk to his doom. He walks up to Ashley and her face has “I’m about to ruin your life” written all over it, but for some reason, he doesn’t detect it. She starts to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t speak. I have something to say: I’m obsessed and in love with you.” He gets down on a knee and proposes.

crickets.

Ashley looks like she’s about to throw up. She says no. Ben walks away. “WAIT!” Ashley cries and runs after him. “I don’t want this to end on bad terms!” Ben is pissed. “Good things don’t end unless badly, stupid girl. JP’s a great guy hope you have a nice life together.” And then he’s outy like last year.

4) Ashley bounces back from that drama pretty quickly and gives JP’s plane a boisterous wave as it flies overhead.

5) JP has a perfect speech prepared. Part of it goes something like this: “You always say I smile all the time and that it will give me wrinkles when I’m older. But it’s because you make me smile.”

Am I the only one thinking that now would be a great time for JP to bust out an acapella rendition of “U Smile” by Justin Bieber? Your bad, JP.

6) Welp, Ben didn’t win, but the ring that JP picked out took my breath away. Who cares about the guy when the rock looks like that?!

BOOM.

after the final rose

I won’t go into too much detail about this, mostly because I’m exhausted after writing that recap, but I do have a few general comments/critiques/concerns to make:

1) It’s unfortunate that Ben chose to flat iron his hair and part it down the center for this event. So very unfortunate.

What's happening, Ben? I know you're heartbroken, but that's no reason to let yourself go.

2) While we’re on the subject of hair, I was also concerned about Ashley’s decision to dye hers purplish black.

3) Ben’s first comment to Ashley is: “Nice ring.” Yikes, bitter much?

4) The past few months since the end of the show haven’t changed Ashley a bit. She’s still saying ridiculous things. For example: “[toBen] Hopefully we’ll always have a friendship” Ash….that’s not how these things work.

5) The final rose show is interrupted by some ridiculous promo for a new show in which two brothers try to hide a briefcase from private investigators and are instructed  by a cheap Tom Cruise impersonator. Thanks but no thanks, abc.

6) Big sis comes onstage and redeems her beezy self and even goes so far as to say “shame on me!” which is greeted by thunderous applause by the studio audience of housewives.

Ben for the next Bachelor? Ashley’s sister for the next Bachelorette? Please?

Until next season….or until Bachelor Pad (which is going to be awesome) if I decide to blog about it. Thanks for reading this season!

Totes in love...for the moment. Who else is taking bets on how long it will last??

-V

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Things get steamy

I have to admit I had some serious doubts in Ashley. She’s consistently acted so outrageously throughout the season that I was becoming unsure of her ability to pick a good man when she sees one. But, she has finally narrowed her suitors down to two and I must say, she’s done quite a fine job. I can’t think of any better two than Ben and JP, so, despite the fact that I’ve come close to tearing my clothing and ripping my hair out over her antics, I have to tip my hat to the bachelorette.

Monday’s episode took us to Fiji, which is the ultimate place to fall in love, according to Ashley. I wouldn’t put much stock in that sentence because she said the same thing about every village in Japan, but it does look pretty awesome. As Ashley settles in to her plush new digs, she takes some time to read a quick devotional and write in her journal. I imagine her journal entry says something along the lines of, “Father, I ask forgiveness in advance for the unspeakable things I plan to do to both Ben and JP in the fantasy suite.”

Just after she has shut her journal and moved on to brushing her hair, she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and her eyes go wide “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?”

Commercial Break.

Alright, I had no idea who this person could be. I knew for sure it couldn’t be Bentley, there’s no way Harrison would let that fool on the premises. My only guess was that Mickey (remember him? spiky hair, boring, waste of time?) had regretted his decision to leave and decided to come back for a second chance.

And we’re back. Rewind a few minutes back: A pair of feet are walking down a muddy path. The camera pans up and we see Ryan walking stoically alongside the Fiji wilderness. Wait, what?! Ryan? Ryan. Seriously.

“I feel that there are things unsaid and undiscovered between Ashley and I,” his voiceover says, “We gotta explore it. Maybe she has regretted letting me go…I’ve just got to see her and find out if she loves me.”

Well Ryan, Ashley may be an indecisive wreck, but of this I am certain: She’s never been more sure of a decision in her life. I’m pretty sure you aren’t even a real person. You eat sunshine and poop lollipops, okay? That’s not normal.

He walks up to Ashley’s door and knocks. “Ry!” she screams. “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, I called Harrison to ask if I could come here and he was all like, ‘Hell, I’m down for a good laugh, she’s in Fiji, go for it,’ so here I am! I don’t know if you regretted letting me go, but I want to spend more time with you.”

Oh, Ry. She hasn’t even thought of you for two seconds since you left. She’s been too busy enjoying JP’s magical kisses and stroking Ben’s amazing hair (Note: these are her thoughts, not mine. I’m opposed to Ben’s hair and its weird center part. But the rest of him is hot, so it’s alright.)

Ryan babbles on for half an hour about Lord knows what, probably something to do with water heaters and how he’s so glad he didn’t sign up for the military. After both Ashley and the rest of us think we’re going to pass out from boredom, he pulls out a crinkled piece of paper.

“I’m here for a couple of days so, if you want to spend time together, I’m here. You’ll see that there are a couple boxes on the paper, it’s just a quick survey. Check ‘yes’ if you like me and ‘no’ if you don’t. Thanks for your time.”

Alright, glad that’s over. Now let’s get down to the serious business: dates and fantasy suites.

Ben & ashley’s date

1) Ashley surprises Ben with a yacht. The two jump on and waste no time in exploring each other’s bodies. Ben lays down and Ashley straddles him. She rubs sunscreen all over his chest and neck.

Ashley, get down from there.

Ash: “Are you okay with this?”
Ben: “I’m more than okay with this. We are two steps away from creating an adult film, but I’m into it.”

If I hadn't seen the episode and just saw this picture...I would be concerned.

2) After they are good and lubed up with lotion, they jump into the water for a snorkeling session.

3) Next, they head to dinner and are both so happy that at first all they can do is stare at each other and smile. Kinda presh. Then Ben launches into a speech about how he’s obsessed with her. He admits that he’s fully committed to her, so she chucks the fantasy suite card at him.

4) They drop their forks, high tail it to the suite, strip down to their swim suits and do some foreplay in the infinity pool. Then Ben lifts her out of the water and carries her to the bedroom. This whole date is just way too steamy for my restless heart to handle. Whew.

constantine & ashley’s date

1) Ashley is wearing what appears to be a white handkerchief bunched around her non-existent boobs. Once again I will say: this woman doesn’t own a full shirt.

What is this outfit?!?

2) Ashley surprises Constantine with a helicopter ride. As the two soar through the air, the camera pans down to a lone figure standing on a beach. Give you one guess who that is.

Outrageous behavior

3) Constantine and Ashley enjoy a swim by a waterfall. They make out zero times and share no intimate moments. Then they sit down to a picnic and have a tense conversation. I kind of stop paying attention because there’s no spicy sensual action going on, but I think they might have gotten into a fight. Something about time, investments and houses. Not sure.

4) Later, at dinner, they toast over a glass of wine and Constantine comments that it is very “grapefruit-y” tasting. Then he admits that Ben taught him all about wine tasting. Man crush?

Ash: “Is it weird for you? Being friends with a guy that is dating me too?”

Const: “To be honest, I find Ben extremely attractive and I can’t blame you in the slightest for wanting to jump his bones. I question my own sexuality around the man. He’s suave, knows everything about wine and that hair….Actually, you know what? Go for Ben. I’m not into you at all.”

Constantine peaces out and, instead of taking advantage of the fantasy suite anyway and inviting Ben over for round two, she heads back to her own room and spends the night alone.

Ashley gives Constantine her stank face.

ashley pays ryan a visit

1) Ryan looks like he might pee pixie dust at the sight of Ashley on his doorstep. He invites her to stand on his balcony for a chat.

2) “Ry, you’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met in my life,” says Ash. “If I had a checklist for the perfect man, you fulfilled it. You are exactly what I want, but I don’t want you.” Way to go Ashley, that was only the most confusing way to break up with someone ever.

3) Ryan looks really sad to be rejected twice but he brought it upon himself, so we can’t pity him folks.

jp & ashley’s date

1) Once again, Ashley is wearing an abstract piece of cloth draped over her tiny frame instead of a regular shirt. She greets JP with a sensual make out session.

2) They hop on a plane and it takes them to Namanalalalala island, where JP tells Ashley that he’s ready for the end, when he can be the last one standing. Then they hug it out and he grabs her entire butt with one hand.

3) At dinner Ashley tries to make JP think Bentley came back because she’s a sick and twisted person, but then admits that it was only Ryan who showed up in Fiji. JP holds himself back from snorting in disgust.

4) She hands him the fantasy suite card and he says “Yeah. I’m into that.” I could make an inappropriate joke here, but I won’t. I’m a classy lady.

5) The couple waste no time with foreplay in the infinity pool, they head straight for the bed. Before you can say “Ryan’s a joke”, JP is on top of Ash and they are two seconds away from doing the dirty on national television. Pan away, camera, pan away! I am losing my innocence with every passing second!

rose ceremony

1) As usual, Ash and Harrison sit down for a chat. I’m grateful for this chance to feast my eyes on all of the man that is Harrison, but I’m instantly bored. Ashley repeats some of the typical stuff she says about love and rejection and then she is off to the rose ceremony.

2) She gives the boys some speech about being afraid they won’t accept her rose despite the fact that they both basically proclaimed their love for her and then took her to bed nights before. Spare us the drama, Ash.

3) Of course, they both accept. Note that she called Ben’s name first AND she stared at him the entire time she talked about her family coming to Fiji for the next episode. I’m just sayin.

I know I will meet lots of opposition when I say this, but I’ll say it anyway: BEN FOR THE WIN!

Next week: Ashley calls her sister a beezy and cries. Stay tuned.

-V

p.s. Naked?

#yikes

Hometown happenings

Hometown dates are among my top three favorite events of every bachelor/ette season. Why? Because you don’t quite know a person until you’ve met their family. Who would have known that Constantine was born from a legend of a man who most likely coined the term and invented “making it rain“?  And who would have guessed that Ames grew up in a house that has bookshelves on literally every wall? Oh wait, we could have guessed that.

Despite his cultured upbringing and astonishing poise, Ames was sent packing this week. I must admit, it was sad to see him go. It took me a while to warm up to his abnormally large forehead, impossibly perfect and denture-like front teeth, and delicate nature, but I did start to like him. Let’s take a look back at the events leading up to his unfortunate departure.

This week, Ashley is visiting the hometowns of all of her suitors. While bustling around her apartment in preparation for her travels, she takes a look back on her relationships with each of the men. Her thoughts on each, in a sentence:

Ben: I love him and his long hair.
Constantine: He’s the total package.
Ames: He’s…unique.
JP: I feel secure and comfortable around him.

Deduce what you will from these statements but…she only used the word “love” in Ben’s description. Just sayin.

Constantine’s hometown

1) As if having the first name ‘Constantine’ weren’t enough, we discover that his middle name is Demetri. But, I’m actually fine with it, because it reminds me of this guy, who is hilarious and perfect.

2) Constantine takes Ashley to his restaurant and immediately puts her to work. After high fiving the cooks and snuggling with the waitresses, Constantine takes Ash to the kitchen, where he instructs her on how to prepare a pan pizza.

Making a pizza together definitely has the potential to be cute but…if I were Ashley, I’d much rather just sit on the counter and watch him make me a pizza because a) this is a date, I shouldn’t have to risk getting burned by a pizza oven before enjoying my meal b) cooking sucks and c) guys are sexy when they cook. But that’s just me.

3) After leaving the restaurant, they roll up to Constantine’s parents’ house. We can already tell it’s gonna be party time in no time because balloons and a ‘welcome home’ banner are strewn across the entrance. And because Constantine’s father is greek.

4) Constantine’s papa speaks to the camera: “Oh my boy, my son, my Constantine. Will he be happy spending life with scrawny, non-greek girl? Well…I don’t know.” Uh oh. Signs aren’t pointing to yes for a future engagement between these two. Because old foreign men are always right.

5) After a traditional greek feast, the family and Ashley are sitting in the living room when the front door suddenly bursts open and a flood of people rush in. Babies are sailing through the air and being caught all over the room, children are ducking under legs and squealing, middle-aged women are pinching cheeks left and right. Is this a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Nope. This is real life. Constantine’s family is AWESOME.

6) Well, it’s not a greek party unless there’s dancing. And unless there is money falling from the sky. The family gets into a circle and dances around the room. Before we realize what is happening, papa is standing in the middle and making it rain all over the place. It’s a good thing Ashley opted out of wearing one of her backless shirts/skin-tight booty shorts/anything else she typically wears because she’s tiny and can get away with it, because otherwise we would all assume other reasons for money being thrown at her.

dolla dolla bills y'all

ames’ hometown

1) “Ashley and I are like boyfriend and girlfriend,” Ames tells the camera. Oh, Ames. We forgive you for sounding like you are in 5th grade. Between a rigorous study schedule and drawing up theories of relativity to counter Einstein’s work in your spare time, you have understandably fallen behind in the dating scene.

2) Ames looks rather adorable in a plaid button up (always a good choice). He immediately whisks Ashley off to meet his family. Ames’ sister wastes no time in having a chat with the bachelorette.

Sister: “Are you comfortable with him?”

Ashley: “Well, Ames is very unique.”

Sister: “But do you actually like him?”

Ashley: “He’s unlike anybody I’ve ever met before.”

Sister: “Well, he’s amazing, just so you know. Not only is he ridiculously in shape, he’s also smart and he’s traveled the world.”

Ashley: “…….”

Sister: “But you know what, I wouldn’t expect you to understand him. He’s like an onion – you have to peel off all of the layers.”

Waaaaait a minute! Did anybody else catch that? She totally stole that line from Shrek.

Ames’ sister leaves Ashley to have a chat with Ames.

Sister: “I can see that you like what’s-her-name, which is beyond me, but anyway…I don’t think she’s into you.”

Ames: “According to what I’ve read and in conjunction with my personal studies, sister, love is a complicated and fickle creature. My original checklist of requirements for my mate included an education from at least 3 ivy league schools, a mastery of 3 to 4 languages and a deep appreciation for international cultures. After meeting Ashley, however, I have obviously thrown that checklist to the high winds. She may be ditsy and unappreciative of modest clothing, but she is energetic and I love her.”

3) Ames decides to kick the romance up a notch to convince Ashley to love him back. He takes her to a gathering of magnolia trees and it is possibly the most romantic setting for a picnic I have ever seen.

If my future husband ever reads this, I want to be proposed to here. Just so you know.

4) Ames tells Ashley that he went to boarding school and was a “bad student”. Yeah right, like we’re gonna believe that. He then starts to talk about extraordinary moments in ordinary life. ….Is that poetry? Is he quoting John Keats? Nope, that’s just Ames having every day conversation. What a guy.

He is way over Ashley’s head with all of his amazingness, so all she can do is stare and say “You are unlike any man I’ve ever met before.” Duh, Ashley. He’s a genius.

4) Ames takes Ashley on a horse-drawn carriage ride next and it looks straight out of a fairytale. I never thought I’d say this but….marry me, Ames?

Ben’s hometown

1) Ashley finds Ben wildly attractive. “Everything about him screams sexiness to me,” she tells the camera.

2) Ben takes her to his winery and then takes her outside to sit on the damp porch of what appears to be an abandoned house while it rains outside. Alright, not his best idea, but he’s still Ben. So I’ll look past it.

3) Ben admits that he has only brought one girl to meet his mother before and that his past relationships haven’t lasted very long. “If my mom and sister don’t like you, you’re as good as dead to me,” he tells her. Harsh, but direct. I can dig it.

....What is this?! Seriously, abc needs to release an out-takes dvd, stat.

4) Ashley meets Ben’s mom and sister and the four sit down for dinner. Ben’s sister tells Ash that she signed Ben up for  the show because she hated all the other girls he’s dated. She figured hooking him up with some rando who gets her mack on with a dozen other guys at the same time as him would be ideal. Sisters be crazy.

5) Ben has a precious conversation with his mom. “I want to model my relationship after you and dad,” he tells her. “Dad is looking down on you and he’s sayin ‘well done’, he is so proud of you,” says mom.

Uh…I just saw Harry Potter a few days ago, I don’t need to jump on yet another emotional roller coaster, folks. I can’t handle the man tears. I know I was just really into Ames a second ago but oh my gosh…..BEN.

jp’s hometown

1) JP takes Ashley roller skating. She acts all, “I’m gonna fall, I suck at skating!”, but then she skates circles around the rink like she was born on wheels. Not cute, Ash.

2) JP wipes out a good two or three times, which gives Ashley ample time to lay beside him and make out in the middle of the rink. Good thing he rented it out for the day, I’d hate to see a little tot’s birthday party ruined by such a display. Who needs Mtv when you’ve got The Bachelor to steal away innocence?

Eaaaaaaasy girl, watch the hand.

3) JP tells Ash that he’s had his heart broken, and that he’s been unsure of every other girl  he’s dated. “How do you know you are sure about me, then?” asks Ashley. “I’m on a high when I’m with you,” he says. “When I’m without you I’m miserable and it sucks. I don’t want to be without you.” …..somebody pregamed for this date by watching Titanic and got in a real sappy mood.

4) The couple arrive at JP’s mom’s house and mom grills JP on his feelings for Ashley. “Are you in love with her?” asks mom. “Uh…I mean, there are signs pointing toward it but I’m having difficulty saying yes.”

I’m surprised by this. After JP’s behavior last week (do we all remember the temper tantrum?) I was expecting him to fully admit that he’s fallen for Ash. Interesting.

5) The date is ended on the best note possible. Mom pulls out a poster-size photo of JP as a child. Was JP a character on an 80’s TV series?! The mullet. The tie. The striped shirt. It’s all just too good.

rose ceremony

1) I was expecting either Ames or Constantine to go home. Since Ames left this week, she better send Constantine home next week. Seriously.

2) Poor Ames looked so bewildered when his name wasn’t called, I actually felt like crying a little. Despite being devastated, he exits the show gracefully. Ashley sits with him on a bench and he says “I’m lucky to have had you in my life. I’m composed all the time, but now I don’t know what to do…This has been totally beautiful and full of the unexpected and even more poetic than I could have ever imagined.”

Um…you are more poetic than we could have ever imagined. Dang, boy. Ames for the next bachelor? We can hope. In the meantime, we’ll keep our eyes peeled for him on the next season of Bachelor Pad (premiering Monday, August 8).

Next Week: The final 3 go to Fiji and, should they choose to forgo their individual rooms, will be able to join Ashley in the Fantasy Suite. Can’t wait.

-V

Taiwanese matchmaking

The Bachelorette returned on Monday night and the show was more full of tears and anguish than ever. Ashley didn’t have to bring the water works alone this time, though – she had plenty of help from a normally slap-happy Ryan and a certain (snooze-worthy) Bachelor contestant of the past. This episode also opened our eyes to a few new tid bits of information about our spritely bachelorette, one of the more prevalent ones being that she doesn’t own shirts that properly cover her back. But can we blame her? She’s got a nice set of shoulder blades and, naturally, they need a little breathing room every now and then. It’s the only decent way a good shoulder-blade or two should be treated, as we all know.

Exhibit A

A quote from my mom: “What in the world does she have on?! A handkerchief??”

Exhibit B

This episode takes place in the lovely Taiwan. According to Ashley, Taiwan is a hidden part of Asia that nobody really knows about. I’m thinking maybe she skipped out on 6th grade social studies. Regardless of her level of geographical education, Ash at least seems more decisive and clear on the men that she is truly into this go around.

 Harrison meets the men in front of a hotel. “Sup, fellas? Welcome to the beautiful city of Taipei, Taiwan. This city may be wonderful, but your experiences here probably won’t be. At least one of you will cry at the end of this. And it will probably be the one of you who has a special interest in water heaters. Four of you will make it out of here with a rose and you can then introduce Ashley to your families (winks at JP).”

With that, Harrison the prophet leaves the men to mull over his words and read the date card: “Constantine, let your love-light shine.”

constantine & ashley’s date

1) The couple hops onto a steam engine and head for a small village that specializes in lantern making. As the train pulls into town, Constantine is sure to give a friendly wave to all of the locals. “Hey, what’s up?” he says out of the window to a quizzical looking asian baby as the train slows down.

2) Ash jumps onto Constantine’s back and he carries her over to a big red lantern, on which they draw their “love wishes”.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The next date card arrives. Ames reads it aloud: “Ben, let’s spend a gorgeous day together in Taiwan.”

“And the word gorgeous is spelled “g-o-r-g-e-s,” says Ames. “I actually recited that word in a spelling bee once. When I was three.”

Back at the date…

3) Ashley and Constantine discuss his family and the possibility of them ending up together. “Do you think you could see yourself with me?” asks Ashley. “Uhh…well, I mean, if we fall in love.” Emphasis on the “if”.

4) Ash decides to shake that off and release their lantern into the night sky. Then they decide to make out a little. When they come up for air they realize that the sky has filled with other lanterns just like theirs.

Excuse me…um, Taiwan? Did you rip off your tradition from one of Disney’s recent films?

Who saw Tangled? Just sayin.

This might have had a shot at being more adorable if Ben or JP were there....

Ben and Ashley’s date

1) Ashley and Ben go on a moped ride around Taiwan. The good news is that Ben is adorable when he tells her he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time. The bad news is that he calls her “kiddo”. Pretty sure her request at the beginning of this season was to be called “cupcake” and, although that is slightly nauseating and nearly as bad, it is not quite as disgusting as a man calling a woman “kiddo”.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The group date card arrives and is granted to Lucas, Ames and JP: “I’m grooming you for the big day.”

This means that Ryan has been granted the one-on-one date. His response to this news? “YES!” he exclaims while slamming his right elbow into the left palm of his hand. I’m not sure what kind of opposite-of-a-gang-symbol-because-you-are-too-dorky-to-be-in-a-gang sign that was, but it terrifies me.

Back at the date…

5) Ben and Ashley have relocated to a romantic dinner. Ben basically confesses his love to Ashley and admits that he gets butterflies in his stomach when he kisses her. Alright, a moment of truth: Ben is perfect. I know his hair is in the awkward stage between being long and short, which causes it to flip out strangely above his ears sometimes,  and I realize that he’s kind of dorky but…I think I’m in love with him. Marry me, Ben.

The next morning at the hotel….

Ben has still not come home from his date with Ashley and things aren’t looking pretty over breakfast in the old suite.  JP has become unrecognizable. A demon has possessed the body of what was once a mild tempered and tolerant, love-struck man. The new JP sits alone and in silence, his bulging eyes darting between the men. When he does speak, it is only to drop the f-bomb a dozen times before descending into mute anger once more.

JP with a murderous look in his eye.

 Group DAte

1) Ashley has planned yet another creepy, wedding-themed date for the men to enjoy. Lucas is given traditional Taiwanese garb to wear and, in true hick form, dubs it a dress. Ames dons a glittery, pink and powder blue get-up that is, and I quote, “the offspring of an otstrich and Elton John”, and is an excellent sport about it. JP gets to wear a traditional tuxedo.

Lucas: “JP has been acting like a little girl, so thank God he gets to wear the tux.”

My sentiments exactly, Luke.

2) Lucas and Ash kick off the shindig with a series of “traditional” photos. All is going well until Lucas leans in for a posed kissing photo.

3) Things continue to go downhill for JP during Ames’ photo shoot and by the time it is JP’s turn to pose with Ash, he’s in a more foul mood than ever. He doesn’t get into it at all and the photog struggles to get a picture of him actually smiling.  “These are gonna be the worst photos ever,” Ashley murmurs under her breath. But we aaaaaaall heard it.

4) During the after party, Lucas and Ashley sit down for a chat. “I was pretty pissed off that I had to wear a dress instead of a tux for the pictures,” he admits. “Other than that, I had an okay time.” Are you serious. Alright, I’ve had it. It’s time for these guys to man up. Did they forget what they signed up for? A reality show. Nobody is asking you to wear a Taiwanese dress on your real wedding, Luke. And everybody knows the bachelorette macks on tons of men at once, JP. So let’s all grow a pair and buck up, boys.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

Ryan’s date card arrives: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei”

“OOOOOOO BOY!” he squeals and claps his hands. Somewhere, a fairy is revived and a unicorn jumps over a rainbow.

Back at the date…

5) Ames shares some family photos with Ashley to get her hyped about visiting his hometown. “You are so well-rounded, beautiful and charming,” he tells her. “It would be fantastic for you to meet my family.”

baby genius

6) JP sits down with Ashley. He is sweating profusely and the veins in his forehead are popping. He tells her of the strong feelings he has been having and that he is in fact not as “cool as a cucumber” as she had hoped. Ashley finds his deranged demeanor refreshing and therefore grants him the date rose. Well played, JP.

Ryan and ashley’s date

1) The couple begin their date by crashing a religious ceremony of sorts and Ryan is blown away by the majesty of it all. “People praying with all of their soul really gets me in the romantic mood,” he admits to the camera. I fail to understand that.

2) The pair seek guidance from the matchmaking gods and throw a couple of bricks down. Apparently they landed on the wrong side which isn’t a good sign. As far as Ashley is concerned, this was all she needed to know. Game over, Ryan. The bricks don’t lie.

3) Ashley and Ryan sit down for some lunch. “How do you feel about protecting the environment?” he asks her. “Honestly, I don’t really care, but I’m glad that you do,” she replies. Ryan frowns a little. “Well…don’t you know about water heaters?” he inquires. Ashley starts to cry. “I just…don’t like you Ryan, okay?” For the first time this season, Ryan stops smiling. “You don’t want to meet my family…??” Ashley avoids the question and the two hug it out.

And now, a brief monologue from Ryan:

“I just don’t want to be alone. I want to share this life with someone. [his breath catches in his throat and he looks away from the camera. He gasps for air for a few moments and then turns away, disappearing into the bushes behind him. We hear his muffled curses to the Taiwanese matchmaking gods] Ugh…you’ve got to be kidding me. Geeeeze, man. F***. Oh S***. ”

Somebody get this man an academy award. Breathtaking, heart-wrenching and riveting, all at once. This performance beats out both Jake Pavelka and Jason Mesnick’s balcony cry. Only by a hair, though.

Don't cry. Okay, do. It's kinda funny.

rose ceremony

1) Harrison greets the men and tells them that Ashley will not need a cocktail party to make her decision. As he is explaining this, a bright, golden figure slowly walks across a bridge in the background. What the….is that a Taiwanese phantom? A matchmaking god descending upon earth to have its wrath upon this blasphemous affair?! Nope. That’s awkward Ashley making her way down to the rose ceremony in a gold gown.

2) She finally sends Lucas home. Bout time.

3) Despite having made the absolute right decision, Ashley bursts into tears and tells the camera that she doesn’t know if she’s “cut out for this” and that she thinks she might be “making mistakes”.

….Harrison? Could you come get this girl, please? We need you to set her straight. Thanks.

interview with emily from brad’s season

1) Folks, this was a waste of time. We all saw what happened last season. Brad picked Emily despite the fact that she wasn’t really that into him and she has a bratty kid. None of us were surprised when the two of them broke up but apparently, abc feels as though we are in desperate need of an explanation for their falling out.

2) “Everybody deserves to know what happened,” Emily says. “We aren’t engaged but he will always be a part of my life.”

2)….Yeah, so….what happened? Where’s the scandal? I guess it’s the thought that counts, abc, because we still don’t know why they broke up. And do we even care at this point?? I’d venture to proclaim a resounding NO.

Until next week,
V

Moving forward (for the hundredth time)

For the past few episodes, Ashley has made bold claims about “moving forward” in her relationships with all of the men. As far as I can tell, the opposite seems to be happening. In fact, after last night’s shenanigans, many of the men seem to now hate her. Between Lucas cursing her name in a southern drawl and Blake smirking over a glass of hard liquor, Ashley was having a really rough time “moving forward”. Oh, well. At least JP and Ben love her; they are the only two that really matter anyway.

The bachelorette is awaiting her men in Hong Kong in this episode. She stands on a busy street as the cars and people rush around her. She’d like to enjoy this beautiful city, but her soul is in turmoil.

“Part of my heart is still with Bentley in the U.S.”

Did anybody else just scream, rip their hair out and/or contemplate setting fire to their television set?

Meanwhile, Harrison is welcoming the men to Hong Kong. He points them in the direction of the hotel where they will be staying and whisks off to pay Ashley a visit. Once they are seated in her hotel room, Harrison looks her square in the eye and lays down a few facts.

“Listen. You have eight outstanding men here and there are some great relationships developing. My biggest fear for you is that in the end, a guy is going to be getting on his knee and you’ll be thinking about Satan, uh, I mean, Bentley. As idiotic as it may be for you to think that you ‘love’ him, I’ve brought him here to talk to you. He’s in the hotel right now.”

Ashley’s face is frozen with fear/surprise. “SHUT UP. No. Shut u – are you SERIOUS.” She clutches her heart and begins to cry. “Is this a joke?! Is this one big lie? You aren’t serious right now, no. No. No.”

You’re right, Ashley. He’s not serious. You thought you were on the Bachelorette, but this is actually an episode of Punk’d. I’m sure Harrison was just looking for an excuse to sit through another one of your emotional break downs because they’re a blast and a half.

Harrison just stares and lets her get it all out before calmly addressing her. “Clearly, your crazed and more than slightly disturbing obsession with Bentley has caused you to forget that I am the perfect man. I’m not here to mess with you, Ashley.”

He jots down Bentley’s room number and slides it over to Ashley, giving her a long, fatherly glare. “Don’t make me regret this. If you don’t get over him immediately after this, I’m quitting.” With that, he leaves her to wander down to Bentley’s room. Ashley arrives at Bentley’s door and knocks. Approximately 15 hours pass. Ashley’s heart is palpitating and she can hardly stand still. She knocks again, this time pressing her lips against the door in mute agony. Another hour passes and then, a muffled, “Who is it?” from within and the door swings open.

There he is. In all of his two-timin’, slime-ballin’ glory. He gives her a smile and she clutches to him, stealing a desperate kiss. Gross.

"Uh oh, my lip gloss is poppin all up on yo mouth. Let me get that, boo"

They have a seat in his room and begin to chat.

B: “I thought about calling but Harrison offered a free trip to Hong Kong so I was like, duh, I’ll be there.”

A: “How’s Cozy?”

B: “Who? Oh, yeah, she’s alright.”

A: “It was so hard when you left, I thought you were the one.”

B: “Yeah girl, me too. Come live with me if it doesn’t work out with JP, okay?”

A: “That’s not fair, you can’t leave it open-ended. I thought you came into my life so we could fall in love.”

B: “I think you know where I’m at, you know where I’m coming from, right. I think you’re here for a purpose.” (note: this makes no sense)

A: (In a sudden twist, her emotions turn to rage) “WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING?! Did you come here to hurt me? Well, mission EFFING accomplished! I’m holding onto a dot dot dot when you should have left with a period. UGH, why is it so HOT IN THIS ROOM!!!”

Ashley storms out of the room. She is livid when she speaks to the camera: “He disrespected me to the core. If you are watching this Bentley, F*** YOU!” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, people.

While Ashley simmers down, the other men are in their  hotel room, reading the first date card: “Lucas, let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Ashley”

lucas & ashley’s date

1) An outright display of rage and dramatics is a tough act to follow, and Lucas’ date struggles from the get-go. The pair walk along a few streets, watch some dragons dance, and it’s super boring.

2) Things start to get a little more interesting when they hop onto a boat. “Do you think I’m the type of girl you would date?” asks Ashley. “Absolutely not, I’m just here for a sweet boat ride,” says Lucas. They both chuckle. Way to avoid the question, you sly dog.

3) Lucas opens up and tells Ashley about the love of his life and the moment he realized that she was a fugly slut and decided he didn’t want her anymore. “I mean…you don’t have to talk about this…” says Ashley.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

The group date card arrives: “Let’s get our hearts racing”

Everyone is called on the date except for JP. BOOM.

group date

1) Ashley greets the men on a beach and informs them that they will be dragon boat racing. They are split up into teams of two and are ordered to walk around and recruit a few locals who can help them row the boats.

2) Team Ryan and Blake immediately locate a local named Domino and have him translate for them.

3) Ames strikes gold when he finds a real-life dragon boat racer. The athlete gets on his iphone and texts all of his team members.

4) Ben and Constantine find zero recruits, but they aren’t worried. They shimmy into red silk robes and hop into their dragon boats.

5) Naturally, the dedication that it takes to be a true scholar is the same that is needed to win a dragon boat race, so Ames comes out the victor. He and Mickey are awarded a trophy and everybody rests on the beach and squints out onto the horizon, searching for Ben and Constantine, who are still lost out on the deep blue sea.

6) At the after party, Ames takes Ashley by the  hand and leads her into an elevator. After his boat racing victory, he’s kicked back a few drinks and loosened his tie. Put him in, coach, he’s ready to get off the bench and play the game. He grabs Ashley and starts to kiss her. We’re all on the same page as Ashley when she exclaims, “Wooaah Ames, where did that come from?!” Who knew this nerd was such a sensual beast?

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The date card arrives for JP: “Let’s take a peek into our future”

Oh, no. Is there a Hong Kong version of Vegas? Run, JP. Run.

Back at the date….

7) Ben is looking dapper in a yellow sweater. He kisses Ashley and then tells the camera that he’s decided he’s falling in love with her. NO, Ben. Save yourself for me.  

8. Ryan and Ashley sit down for a chat. Mid-sentence he grabs her hand and kisses it. She stares at him. “Sorry, I just felt that,” he says. Yikes. “I would love for you to meet my family,” he says. Then he playfully sticks his tongue out. I wish I were lying.

To the amazement and surprise of every viewer, Ashley runs off to fetch the rose and bestows it upon Ryan. His reaction? “SHUSH!!” Come on, girl. You can’t be serious.

Could you love this face?

Ashley & jp’s date

1) “She makes me feel alive,” JP tells the camera. The couple sit down to a steak dinner and pour themselves shots of sake. JP tells Ashley that he can see himself getting down on a knee in the near future.

2) Ashley begins to clutch her heart, as usual, and sweats a little. “What’s wrong?!” JP wonders. “I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s really hard,” says Ashley. “Basically, I was in love with Bentley a day ago.”

JP takes this news rather well. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he’s really disinterested by Bentley (which is refreshing, to say the least) so he just shrugs it off and thanks Ashley for being honest with him.

What a man.

3) After dinner, they hop onto the Hogwarts Express and watch the scenery rush by. JP gets behind her and kisses her neck. Is anybody else going weak at the knees? Oh, wow.

4) Their next stop is a rooftop where they dance to unidentifiable instrumentals and JP tenderly kisses her. Okay, I’ll give it to him. JP is perfect.

Cocktail party // rose ceremony

1) Ashley looks much like Tinker Bell in a sparkly mini dress with her hair pulled back in a top knot. Watch out though – under certain lighting, all of the men and America’s viewers alike get a full view of her thong and butt cheeks. That dress is a taaaaad see through, dear girl.

2) Sadly, displaying her toned tush does not get her out of trouble with the men when she explains to all of them that she had Bentley flown in because she thought she was in love with him mere hours ago.

For a minute, the men are silent. They shoot each other looks to confirm that they are all on the same page. Lucas gives Constantine the nod that he should begin the attack.

An enraged Blake gives Ashley a murderous look and awaits his turn to attack.

Constantine: “Everything that you’ve told us is a lie. You said that the past was behind you, but that’s clearly contradictory because you brought that idiot back here.”

Lucas: “Beezy move, Ash. Why didn’t you get this ‘closure’ earlier? We’re putting a lot on the line to be here, this is a joke!”

Blake: (snickers) “You claim you had such a strong connection in such a short amount of time. Well, it must have felt good to see him again, huh.” (rolls his eyes and kicks back the last of his drink)

Ashley excuses herself to go cry it out. I can’t say I entirely disagree with the men, but it is sad to see little Tink cry.

3) The men continue to bash her behind her back. JP sticks up for her. Ryan goes to comfort her. Constantine becomes the leader of the rally against her:  “Men. We have been wasting away in hospitals with concussions (Ames shuffles his feet and looks away). We have traveled over oceans for her. We have trained in ancient martial arts. Only to waste our time!”

“YEAH!” the men roar.

Woah woah woah….where are the swords and spears? This conversation is on the brink of becoming a medieval riot.

4) Ashley talks to Ames. She asks him how he felt about her Bentley speech. He strokes his chin and answers, “I suppose we would prefer our fairy tales to be simple. But life isn’t as simple as we would hope. In fact, that’s why it’s beautiful.” Can we get this guy a robe and call him pope? A crown and dub him king? A wizard hat and name him Dumbledore? Hell, a cape and call him batman?! What a hero. What a wise sage.

5) Meanwhile, Lucas looks like this.

6) Blake pulls Ashley aside for a chat. He basically says the worst things he can think of while making terribly sassy facial expressions and drinking scotch. She cries again.

7) Mickey sits down with Ash and gives her the stank eye. “I honestly feel lied to,” he says. “Why am I even here anymore? You need to send me home.” Ashley promptly obliges and Mickey rides off in a boat.

8. Once again, Harrison has to sweep in and save Ashley’s sanity.

Ashley: This is so hard.

Harrison: (stares and blinks for a few seconds) “Well, this path is different for every person, and for you it’s just not easy for obvious reasons. Look at your choices. You basically just told all of the men that you fell in love with the closest thing to Satan walking this earth. Can you understand how playing second fiddle to the definition of evil would kill a man’s pride? Yeah, thought so. Now get out there and get rid of Blake, we both know he’s not for  you.”

9) Ashley heads out to the rose ceremony and looks over her men. Ames is an obvious choice for a rose. In addition to surprising us with his impressive demeanor, he’s dressed to the nines in white slacks and a navy blazer with a red tie. That’s right, Ames. You can rock the nautical look from the waist down and the politician look on top. You’re both leisure and business – a renaissance man.

10) Blake peaces out but oh, don’t worry, folks. We haven’t seen the last of him. Blake will be starring in the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.

Next stop: Taiwan.

-V

The madness continues

I think I speak for all of us when I say that Ashley has swiftly taken the title of dumbest bachelorette in the  history of this show. This woman has fallen in love with a person who would literally bathe in urine, and who knows what other vile excrements, before even dreaming of dating her.

We get it, Ash. You aren’t over him. But we sure are. So do us all a favor and stuff a cork in it or just leave the show, one of the two. I’d be happy to just watch JP and Ben F. for the rest of the season,  your presence isn’t really required. And while we’re on the subject of Ashley’s mental state, I find it appropriate to list a few of the occurrences that have happened, without fail, in every single one of the episodes so far:

  • Ashley has an emotional breakdown because she feels ugly/underappreciated/inadequate.
  • It is storming/raining outside, which is symbolically appropriate.
  • Ryan has to tell Ashley that she is pretty because he seems to be one of the few who thinks so.
  • Ashley mentions the cursed name of Bentley a minimum of fifty times.

Needless to say, homegirl has issues. Let’s recap how those very issues revealed themselves in Monday’s episode.

The men have been transported to Chiang Mai to continue their journey to love. According to Ames, world traveler and graduate of every ivy league school in North America, Chiang Mai is the most romantic city in Thailand, due to its majestic temples and thousands of…monkeys? Thanks for the info, A.

Harrison is waiting for the men in front of one of those very temples. Wait, no. That’s a hotel. And the men get to stay in a private villa. “Check it out boys,” Harrison says with a smug smile and the men tear past him to explore their new digs.

Meanwhile, Ashley is walking along the streets of Chiang Mai in heels and what appears to be one of Bentley’s old button up shirts and a belt. “I’m coming from a dark place,” she says. “I’m hoping that being in this romantic city will get me back on my feet.”

Look at your life. Look at your choices. Go put some real clothes on.

Back at the villa, Harrison is bringing the men back down to reality with some harsh news. This week, there will be a two-on-one date, and whoever doesn’t get the rose will be sent packing back to the U.S. post-haste. “Here’s the date card. You can try to enjoy your time here, but I wouldn’t get too comfy,” Harrison says over his shoulder as he struts away. Don’t go,  Harrison. Don’t go. ….I love you.

The date card reads: “Ben F., let’s fall in love in Chiang Mai”

As good as done. “There is a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today,” says Ben.

Ben & Ashley’s Date

1) Ashley and Ben are appropriately decked out in matching outfits for their date. They jump into a vehicle that appears to be a cross between a bus and a rickshaw and head out for some shopping.

2) After shopping, they happen upon a temple. The two sit on a bench, hold hands and stare at each other. “Thanks for coming,” says Ash. “Thanks for…having me.” says Ben. Okay, so he’s a little awkward but I find it adorable.

Ashley: “You know, you can’t kiss me  here because it is such a sacred place”

Ben: “Ooooo, that’s gonna be hard” (sweat begins to trickle down the sides of his face)

Ashley: (inches away from his lips and breathing heavily) “Yeah I know…let’s go offsite to kiss, okay? But for now, let’s have a mental kiss.”

Ben: “Oooo yeah I like the sounds of that.” (said breathlessly)

One would think that this whole exchange was very sexy and seductive. But….have a look at Ashley’s face. I’d say she’s a taaaad too eager and slightly terrifying.

The definition of sex-crazed. Calm down, girl. The fantasy suite isn't for another couple of weeks.

3) Ashley to the camera: “There’s so much tension, I just want to jump on him [growls]….I can only imagine what tonight is going to bring.”

…..did Ashley just…growl?

4) Ashley thought it appropriate to dress in a floral patterened, capri-pant romper for their dinner date. Pretty much the opposite of sexy. Pretty much something my grandma would wear. This may have contributed to why it took Ben until the end of the date to actually lay one on her. He felt weird kissing someone who looked like grammie in her gardening gear.

5) While the two are having dinner, an asian man in stockings kneels down to pour them wine. This sparks conversation about how Ben got into the wine business. Saying his company came from humble beginnings would be an under statement. He was inspired to become a wine maker when he and his best friend began making wine in middle school. They were able to make quite a profit selling their product to fellow classmates after school and to shady single moms. Kids do the darndest things.

Meanwhile, back at the villa….

The group date card arrives: “Love is worth fighting for”

Everybody gets called on the date except for Ben C. and William. This means that they have been selected for the two-on-one date.

Back at the date…

6) Ben is explaining to Ashley that he wants to spoil his wife and to throw parties for her and her friends. All of this sounds ideal, so Ashley is more ready than ever to kiss him. Suddenly, they find themselves surrounded by belly dancers and fire throwers. Bad choice, abc producers. What you needed to do was have surprise guest Michael Buble show up and start crooning a classic tune to get them in the mood. Once again, poor date planning on your part.

7) Just when every viewer across the country has begun to think that the date has gotten way too awkward for the couple to comfortably have a makeout session, Ben leans in for the kiss. Passion explodes between he and Ashley, much like the fire exploding from a nearby flame thrower’s mouth. What a poetic image.

Group Date

1) The men are decked out in athletic gear as they walk up to Ashley. She informs them that they will be training in muay thai, a martial art designed to destroy brain cells, vital organs and a man’s pride.

2) The guys are led to a training facility, where muay thai masters force them to sweat off all of the booze they have been consuming throughout the show thus far.

3) While many of the guys are spitting up blood and doing push ups with Ashley sitting on their backs, Ames is giving out diplomatic handshakes to the trainers and making a mental note to write out  a flash card for  his  quiz bowl collection titled “muay thai”.

4) A trainer, disgusted by Ames’ lack of aggression, forces him to practice kicking. Poor Ames falls right on his butt, marking the first blunder in a downward spiral of physical trauma.

5) After rigorous training, the men are offered fighting uniforms and led to a boxing ring. “It’s onnnn,” growls Ryan.

Really, Ryan? Are you able to stop thinking about rainbows, unicorns and how lucky you are not to be a soldier fighting overseas long enough to actually hit someone?

6) The fights begin. The men aren’t pulling any punches and friendships are being broken.

Seriously...where's raincoat guy when you need him?

7) Mickey v. JP: Mickey beats the crap out of itty bitty JP and Ashley is near tears in the audience. Ryan is laughing. JP decides that he has had enough. Much like the little engine that could, he makes a huge comeback and wins the fight. Thata boy.

8. Ames v. Ryan: Well, we all can guess how this one will end. Ames’ delicate days holed up in the library studying ancient hieroglyphics under a magnifying glass haven’t prepared him for this. He takes a couple hard hits to the head, the crowd goes silent, and he staggers out of the ring.

9) The next fight begins and Ames is sitting in an open-mouthed daze. The world is beginning to blur around him. Ashley runs to get help and he is quickly escorted to a rickety ambulance, in which he is jostled around so much he receives concussion #2.

10) At the after party Ashley is wearing yet another romper and is in yet another bad mood. As usual, she’s feeling insecure and ugly.

11) Ames shows up and tries to talk to Ashley but he’s still feeling a little dizzy. “They tested me at the hospital and they said that I’m completely in love and that I have a mild concussion.” …..Okay, that was adorable. That cancels out him going to the hospital. He still needs to man up though. 

Meanwhile, back at the villa…

The two-on-one date card arrives: “Guide me to love. Love, Ashley.”

“*Bonus: A message from Harrison – Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.”

….I just got goosebumps, did anybody else?

the dreaded two-on-one date

Two dudes. One girl. It’s not gay.

1) Ben C., Ashley and William head down a river on what appears to be a piece of drift wood, Huck Finn style.

2) William pulls Ashley aside for a chat. “I’m not trying to throw Ben under the bus or anything, and when I say that I mean I’m completely throwing him under the bus, but…..he’s not into you. He told us guys that he wants to do online dating.”

3) Ashley is appalled and disgusted. She sends Ben C. home immediately, without remorse. William smiles to himself.

Who's a weasel? This guy.

4) An elephant ride later, Ash and William are sitting down to dinner and barely a minute passes before Ashley says, “There’s no spark between us. You’re a terrible person. Please leave now.”

BOOM. Roasted.

Rose ceremony

1) Ashley starts out the night on a great note: She tells all of the men that they most likely won’t fall in love with her.

2) Everybody is kinda confused and are beginning to wonder why they should try to fall in love with a woman who doesn’t even love herself. Constantine pipes up and admits that he can’t really envision himself being with her.

3) Ashley tries to mingle with the men but something is holding her back. Oh wait let me guess…she can’t keep her mind off of Bentley. Ding ding! Ten points to Gryffindor, we’ve got it right. The woman is insufferable.

4) Somebody, dear God, please hit her. Just one swift slap across the face. Use the back of your hand if you must. Harrison sits down with her yet again for a chat.

Harrison: “Are you okay?”

Ashley: ” I have to be open and honest. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about something . In order to move forward I need to put this in the past. I know you are gonna hate me but, it’s Bentley.”

Harrison: “You’re right, I do hate you. So does everybody else at this point. But I’m going to try to help you, because I’m gracious and the perfect man.”

Ashley: “Thank you! My head tries to forget about him and my heart goes back to him. In times of comfort, I go back to him. That’s not normal.”

Harrison: (said with a dead  pan stare) “Nope. It’s not. What can I do to make this stop. You are being unfair to everyone here.”

Ashley: “I just want to talk to him and ask him a few questions”

Harrison: (holds back a strangled scream of rage) “Well, I guess you haven’t noticed this but, we’re halfway around the entire world. You know, as in, the other side of the planet? But that’s fine. I’ll do what I can to make this madness come to an end. Now shut up about Bentley and go give out some roses, I’m officially done with you for the night.”

5) Ashley sends soul-patch guy home.

Next week: The group is in Hong Kong, Bentley returns and the men are enraged.

P.S. I recently found this little treasure…

Since Ames dropped the ball on their date, Ashley resorted to having a crew member recreate the famous Titanic scene with her. Reaching new lows, per usual.

-V

Team Ben F.

Compared to the scandal of Bentley‘s departure last week, Monday’s episode fell short in the drama department. Although the show featured many moments that were yawn-worthy, a few things presented themselves that were notable. Among them being the fact that Ashley’s forehead is as large as Ames‘, noted due to her hair being constantly wet and slicked across her massive noggin throughout the episode. Are Ashley and Ames a match made in heaven? They’ve got matching foreheads and matching (kinda) names…only time will tell. Until then, let’s dive into the recap.

The men are assembled and ready to receive Harrison’s weekly announcements. They are all super chummy with one another and this makes Ryan a tad uneasy. “At some point, the man claws are gonna come out,” his voiceover says. “It’s gonna be dangerous.” Little does he know that he himself will be the recipient of man-claw wounds, due to a ridiculously sunny attitude. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Harrison rubs his hands together and takes a long look at the motley crew before him. “I think you’ve all realized by now how serious Ashley is about all of this. And if any one of you are anything like he-who-must-not-be-named, I will personally slaughter you and feed you to the millions of housewives who watch this show. Now go pack your bags. We’re heading to Thailand. That is all.”

The men erupt into guffaws of excitement and immediately begin to fist bump, chest bump and kiss each other.

Meanwhile, Ashley is already on the beaches of Phuket, Thailand. As she sashays along the water in tiny red shorts and a bikini top, she dreams of Bentley. “While I’ve been in this beautiful place, I’ve often closed my eyes and wondered how it would be if he were here,” she says. Well, it would be real sucky if he were there, Ash. Take our word for it.

Deciding that she’s had enough nostalgia for one day, Ashley gets her act together and begins planning her dates. Cue the asian music and wide shots of waterfalls. There is so much to explore, so many men to seduce, and so little time to fall in love. Ash’s personal event coordinator Annie has practiced her English for months in preparation of her television debut. Annie gives some great advice for date locations and then Ashley is off to greet the men. She gives the first date card to Constantine:

“Let’s see Phuket together”

Constantine & Ashley’s Date

1)  Ashley has a great date planned. She and Groban are going to take a boat out to a private beach! Just as they are preparing to depart, a native in a raincoat runs up to them. Speaking rapidly in a foreign tongue, he makes several hand motions. Somehow, the couple is able to decipher from this that a hurricane is coming. No amount of true love is worth death by drowning, so they decide to head inland for the duration of their date.

2) Groban soon gets bored of window shopping and trying on scarves, so he suggests talking with the locals because, why not? They grab a random teenager and have her translate for them as they talk to an old man about the secrets to a successful marriage.

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

The men are discussing Groban’s possible demise. “I’ll be honest,” says JP, “I hope the date is awful and he doesn’t get a rose.” It appears as though the man claws that Ryan spoke of are beginning to reveal themselves.

The group date card arrives: “Let’s make the world a better place” 

Everyone was called on the date except for Ames. The men try to keep from punching him smack dab in the forehead.

Back at the date…

3) In the spirit of fun love and spontaneity, the couple sprint down a side street together and giggle like school children. Ashley feels as though Groban is helping her gain some of her heart back. You know, the parts that were lost when Bentley left. Just in case you forgot about that guy. Because she’s not over him yet, in case you haven’t gathered that from the fifty references she’s made to it so far.

Just a couple of young kids living life to the fullest on the dreary streets of Phuket.

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

The men discuss the fact that they are all going after, and I quote, “the same piece of fruit”. What began as a civil chat takes a turn for the worse when each man decides to share the intimate details of their relationships with Ashley.

Man 1: Don’t want to cramp anybody’s style but…I kissed her on our date.

Man 2: Wait…what?! I kissed her.

Man 3: No way! I kissed her like five times.

Man 1: Um…what. You of all people kissed her? You’ve got to be joking…

Clearly, these guys have never seen a bachelor/ette season before.

Back at the date….

4) Ashley debates giving the date rose to Groban. “You really got me back on my feet during this date,” she tells him. “Even though I’m still in love with Bentley and you could never hold a candle to him, try as you might, I will go ahead and grant you this rose.”

Group Date

1) Ashley brings the men to an orphanage and informs them that they will be fixing it up for the children that live there. JP is near tears. It speaks volumes to him that Ashley would rather help children than booze it up on some boat off of the coast of Phuket, which would be typical of this show.

2) While the men are painting and assembling bunk beds, Ryan makes his way from room to room, critiquing their work and giving out orders. I’m beginning to sense some man claw damage in that man’s near future.

3) In one of the rooms, Ben the wine maker is hard at work. He claims that he “can’t paint” but creates a top-notch elephant mural. Ashley is so attracted to his compassion and/or art skills that she rubs her painted hands all over his chest. Geeze, hope that wasn’t his best American Apparrel tee.

What a stud.

4) After revealing the newly improved orphanage to the children, the group heads to the after party. Ben is feeling pretty confident because he can wield a paint brush like no other man Ashley has encountered. He’s talking to Ashley about their day together at the orphanage and mid-sentence goes right in for the kiss. I must admit, that moment made my heart skip a beat. I think I just switched teams. GO TEAM BEN! (William is a joke anyway, no pun intended)

5) Ashley has some alone time with Ryan. She tells him that it is very important to her that her relationship has a strong physical connection. “I get along well with guys,” he replies. Yikes?

6) Ashley pulls JP aside for some alone time. “So…when’s my next date gonna be?” he asks. “OMG, our last date was so bad, I totes fell asleep on your chest,” she says. “I was at my lowest point after Bentley, the love of my life, left me.” for some reason this doesn’t phase JP at all  – he’s in the mood for a makeout session. He chucks the umbrella over his left shoulder and pulls Ashley in for some intense lip locking.

“JP’s kisses are magical,” Ash tells the camera.

When they are done sucking face, JP takes Ashley in his arms and attempts standing up while holding her like a child. His legs buckle under him like a newborn calf and they both collapse to the ground. Wow, JP. Just, Wow. She weighs 5 pounds, are you serious?!

Meanwhile, back at the resort…

Ames receives his date card: “Ames, it’s more romantic in the rain. Love, Ashley”

Back at the date…

7) Ashley grabs the rose to present to her favorite man of the night. Before she gets a chance to speak, Ryan interrupts her and asks to speak to her outside. Murder flashes in every man’s eye. Is it man claw time yet?? I’m sick of waiting around, I want the alleged man claws to reveal themselves and for a gruesome battle to ensue!

Despite Ryan’s last-ditch efforts to gain the rose, Ashley grants it to Ben. Well deserved.

Ames & Ashley’s Date

1) Ashley is waiting for Ames on a pier. He runs toward her barefoot and looks extremely awkward. Oh, Ames. This is gonna be a long date.

2) They get on a boat and head toward the mountains. “I feel like we’re on the Titanic right now!” Ashley exclaims as she thrusts her arms out from her sides. Ames misses the cue to get behind her and reenact the famous romantic moment between Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio. Ames is no good.

This could have been you, Ames. Gettin real close and personal. But you blew it.

3) They switch the boat for a canoe and paddle into the mouth of a cave. It’s mighty twisty and turny in there and Ames is quick to compare the contours of their watery course to the elements of romantic relationships. “Navigating this cave is just like navigating a relationship – around every corner, you don’t know what to expect!” Ames says. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a modern-day Descartes on our hands.

4) The pair paddle up to the shore and break out a picnic. The silence is deafening as they munch on their food. Just as the date is about to breach new levels of awkwardness, Ashley breaks the silence by asking Ames about his dating history. It turns out that this guy is known for his spontaneity. He asked a girl out in a shoe store once. Never mind the fact that he was in the women’s section of a shoe store. Let’s focus on the fact that he’s bold and daring.

5) Later, at dinner, Ames takes charge of the conversation and Ashley likes it. “I really am impressed by you, Ashley,” he says. “I think you’re funny and you tell good jokes and I’m actually going to go ahead and give you this rose…oh wait. I forgot. You’re supposed to do that. My bad, got carried away.”

6) Ashley decides that Ames is worth keeping around, despite the fact that he’s kind of boring and his front row of teeth may or may not be dentures. She had plans to send him home, but she grants him a rose.

THe cocktail party

1) Ashley means business. She sits all of the men down and interrogates them on their checkered pasts. She speaks with West and feels that she will never be able to fill the shoes of his late wife.

2) The man claws have officially come out and the result is quite anticlimactic and disappointing. After murmuring among themselves how deeply they hate Ryan, the men elect Blake to confront him. “Listen buddy,” says Blake, “We all hate you. You kind of suck. You’re way too happy and it creeps us out big time.”

Ryan can’t even wipe the smile off of his face for this brief and uncomfortable moment. Through a large grin he exclaims, “Really?….really. REALLY?! Really…”

Blake stares back at him. “Yes, really Ryan. Really. You get extremely intense and boisterous at times and, to be honest, it makes me nauseated. I literally get sick to my stomach watching you.”

Ryan confides in the camera: “This is just preposterous. Excuuuuuse me for not being Mr. Grumpy Pants all the time. My fault for being grateful that I’m not a soldier over seas risking my life every day. I’m so sorry for not enlisting in the army and joining in the war effort. MY BAD for being jolly at the fact that I’m not on the front lines.”

….wait….I’m confused. I mean, I support our troops and all but…when did this become a discussion about war?

3) Meanwhile, Ashley is having a sit down chat with Harrison. “I’m still in love with Bentley,” she says. “I don’t feel as though I have closure with the whole situation.”

“Will you ever get OVER IT?!” a bewildered yet composed Harrison asks. Were he a tad less of a man, he would take this opportunity to smack her across the face and knock her senses back into her head. But he is a perfect man. So he would never do such a thing.

4) At the rose ceremony, Ashley says goodbye to West and he is left with the bitter reminder of his wife’s death extra fresh in his mind and an empty heart. Oh, West. You should have known that you couldn’t fill the void of lost love with a reality television show. Healing takes place outside of a world in which 25 men live together and compete for the same woman’s lust/heart. But you know better now.

Next Week: A surprise visitor throws Ashley for a loop. Who could it be?! Stay tuned and cheers to the drama.

-V