For the past few episodes, Ashley has made bold claims about “moving forward” in her relationships with all of the men. As far as I can tell, the opposite seems to be happening. In fact, after last night’s shenanigans, many of the men seem to now hate her. Between Lucas cursing her name in a southern drawl and Blake smirking over a glass of hard liquor, Ashley was having a really rough time “moving forward”. Oh, well. At least JP and Ben love her; they are the only two that really matter anyway.
The bachelorette is awaiting her men in Hong Kong in this episode. She stands on a busy street as the cars and people rush around her. She’d like to enjoy this beautiful city, but her soul is in turmoil.
“Part of my heart is still with Bentley in the U.S.”
Did anybody else just scream, rip their hair out and/or contemplate setting fire to their television set?
Meanwhile, Harrison is welcoming the men to Hong Kong. He points them in the direction of the hotel where they will be staying and whisks off to pay Ashley a visit. Once they are seated in her hotel room, Harrison looks her square in the eye and lays down a few facts.
“Listen. You have eight outstanding men here and there are some great relationships developing. My biggest fear for you is that in the end, a guy is going to be getting on his knee and you’ll be thinking about Satan, uh, I mean, Bentley. As idiotic as it may be for you to think that you ‘love’ him, I’ve brought him here to talk to you. He’s in the hotel right now.”
Ashley’s face is frozen with fear/surprise. “SHUT UP. No. Shut u – are you SERIOUS.” She clutches her heart and begins to cry. “Is this a joke?! Is this one big lie? You aren’t serious right now, no. No. No.”
You’re right, Ashley. He’s not serious. You thought you were on the Bachelorette, but this is actually an episode of Punk’d. I’m sure Harrison was just looking for an excuse to sit through another one of your emotional break downs because they’re a blast and a half.
Harrison just stares and lets her get it all out before calmly addressing her. “Clearly, your crazed and more than slightly disturbing obsession with Bentley has caused you to forget that I am the perfect man. I’m not here to mess with you, Ashley.”
He jots down Bentley’s room number and slides it over to Ashley, giving her a long, fatherly glare. “Don’t make me regret this. If you don’t get over him immediately after this, I’m quitting.” With that, he leaves her to wander down to Bentley’s room. Ashley arrives at Bentley’s door and knocks. Approximately 15 hours pass. Ashley’s heart is palpitating and she can hardly stand still. She knocks again, this time pressing her lips against the door in mute agony. Another hour passes and then, a muffled, “Who is it?” from within and the door swings open.
There he is. In all of his two-timin’, slime-ballin’ glory. He gives her a smile and she clutches to him, stealing a desperate kiss. Gross.
"Uh oh, my lip gloss is poppin all up on yo mouth. Let me get that, boo"
They have a seat in his room and begin to chat.
B: “I thought about calling but Harrison offered a free trip to Hong Kong so I was like, duh, I’ll be there.”
A: “How’s Cozy?”
B: “Who? Oh, yeah, she’s alright.”
A: “It was so hard when you left, I thought you were the one.”
B: “Yeah girl, me too. Come live with me if it doesn’t work out with JP, okay?”
A: “That’s not fair, you can’t leave it open-ended. I thought you came into my life so we could fall in love.”
B: “I think you know where I’m at, you know where I’m coming from, right. I think you’re here for a purpose.” (note: this makes no sense)
A: (In a sudden twist, her emotions turn to rage) “WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING?! Did you come here to hurt me? Well, mission EFFING accomplished! I’m holding onto a dot dot dot when you should have left with a period. UGH, why is it so HOT IN THIS ROOM!!!”
Ashley storms out of the room. She is livid when she speaks to the camera: “He disrespected me to the core. If you are watching this Bentley, F*** YOU!” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, people.
While Ashley simmers down, the other men are in their hotel room, reading the first date card: “Lucas, let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Ashley”
lucas & ashley’s date
1) An outright display of rage and dramatics is a tough act to follow, and Lucas’ date struggles from the get-go. The pair walk along a few streets, watch some dragons dance, and it’s super boring.
2) Things start to get a little more interesting when they hop onto a boat. “Do you think I’m the type of girl you would date?” asks Ashley. “Absolutely not, I’m just here for a sweet boat ride,” says Lucas. They both chuckle. Way to avoid the question, you sly dog.
3) Lucas opens up and tells Ashley about the love of his life and the moment he realized that she was a fugly slut and decided he didn’t want her anymore. “I mean…you don’t have to talk about this…” says Ashley.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The group date card arrives: “Let’s get our hearts racing”
Everyone is called on the date except for JP. BOOM.
1) Ashley greets the men on a beach and informs them that they will be dragon boat racing. They are split up into teams of two and are ordered to walk around and recruit a few locals who can help them row the boats.
2) Team Ryan and Blake immediately locate a local named Domino and have him translate for them.
3) Ames strikes gold when he finds a real-life dragon boat racer. The athlete gets on his iphone and texts all of his team members.
4) Ben and Constantine find zero recruits, but they aren’t worried. They shimmy into red silk robes and hop into their dragon boats.
5) Naturally, the dedication that it takes to be a true scholar is the same that is needed to win a dragon boat race, so Ames comes out the victor. He and Mickey are awarded a trophy and everybody rests on the beach and squints out onto the horizon, searching for Ben and Constantine, who are still lost out on the deep blue sea.
6) At the after party, Ames takes Ashley by the hand and leads her into an elevator. After his boat racing victory, he’s kicked back a few drinks and loosened his tie. Put him in, coach, he’s ready to get off the bench and play the game. He grabs Ashley and starts to kiss her. We’re all on the same page as Ashley when she exclaims, “Wooaah Ames, where did that come from?!” Who knew this nerd was such a sensual beast?
Meanwhile, back at the hotel….
The date card arrives for JP: “Let’s take a peek into our future”
Oh, no. Is there a Hong Kong version of Vegas? Run, JP. Run.
Back at the date….
7) Ben is looking dapper in a yellow sweater. He kisses Ashley and then tells the camera that he’s decided he’s falling in love with her. NO, Ben. Save yourself for me.
8. Ryan and Ashley sit down for a chat. Mid-sentence he grabs her hand and kisses it. She stares at him. “Sorry, I just felt that,” he says. Yikes. “I would love for you to meet my family,” he says. Then he playfully sticks his tongue out. I wish I were lying.
To the amazement and surprise of every viewer, Ashley runs off to fetch the rose and bestows it upon Ryan. His reaction? “SHUSH!!” Come on, girl. You can’t be serious.
Could you love this face?
Ashley & jp’s date
1) “She makes me feel alive,” JP tells the camera. The couple sit down to a steak dinner and pour themselves shots of sake. JP tells Ashley that he can see himself getting down on a knee in the near future.
2) Ashley begins to clutch her heart, as usual, and sweats a little. “What’s wrong?!” JP wonders. “I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s really hard,” says Ashley. “Basically, I was in love with Bentley a day ago.”
JP takes this news rather well. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he’s really disinterested by Bentley (which is refreshing, to say the least) so he just shrugs it off and thanks Ashley for being honest with him.
What a man.
3) After dinner, they hop onto the Hogwarts Express and watch the scenery rush by. JP gets behind her and kisses her neck. Is anybody else going weak at the knees? Oh, wow.
4) Their next stop is a rooftop where they dance to unidentifiable instrumentals and JP tenderly kisses her. Okay, I’ll give it to him. JP is perfect.
Cocktail party // rose ceremony
1) Ashley looks much like Tinker Bell in a sparkly mini dress with her hair pulled back in a top knot. Watch out though – under certain lighting, all of the men and America’s viewers alike get a full view of her thong and butt cheeks. That dress is a taaaaad see through, dear girl.
2) Sadly, displaying her toned tush does not get her out of trouble with the men when she explains to all of them that she had Bentley flown in because she thought she was in love with him mere hours ago.
For a minute, the men are silent. They shoot each other looks to confirm that they are all on the same page. Lucas gives Constantine the nod that he should begin the attack.
An enraged Blake gives Ashley a murderous look and awaits his turn to attack.
Constantine: “Everything that you’ve told us is a lie. You said that the past was behind you, but that’s clearly contradictory because you brought that idiot back here.”
Lucas: “Beezy move, Ash. Why didn’t you get this ‘closure’ earlier? We’re putting a lot on the line to be here, this is a joke!”
Blake: (snickers) “You claim you had such a strong connection in such a short amount of time. Well, it must have felt good to see him again, huh.” (rolls his eyes and kicks back the last of his drink)
Ashley excuses herself to go cry it out. I can’t say I entirely disagree with the men, but it is sad to see little Tink cry.
3) The men continue to bash her behind her back. JP sticks up for her. Ryan goes to comfort her. Constantine becomes the leader of the rally against her: “Men. We have been wasting away in hospitals with concussions (Ames shuffles his feet and looks away). We have traveled over oceans for her. We have trained in ancient martial arts. Only to waste our time!”
“YEAH!” the men roar.
Woah woah woah….where are the swords and spears? This conversation is on the brink of becoming a medieval riot.
4) Ashley talks to Ames. She asks him how he felt about her Bentley speech. He strokes his chin and answers, “I suppose we would prefer our fairy tales to be simple. But life isn’t as simple as we would hope. In fact, that’s why it’s beautiful.” Can we get this guy a robe and call him pope? A crown and dub him king? A wizard hat and name him Dumbledore? Hell, a cape and call him batman?! What a hero. What a wise sage.
5) Meanwhile, Lucas looks like this.
6) Blake pulls Ashley aside for a chat. He basically says the worst things he can think of while making terribly sassy facial expressions and drinking scotch. She cries again.
7) Mickey sits down with Ash and gives her the stank eye. “I honestly feel lied to,” he says. “Why am I even here anymore? You need to send me home.” Ashley promptly obliges and Mickey rides off in a boat.
8. Once again, Harrison has to sweep in and save Ashley’s sanity.
Ashley: This is so hard.
Harrison: (stares and blinks for a few seconds) “Well, this path is different for every person, and for you it’s just not easy for obvious reasons. Look at your choices. You basically just told all of the men that you fell in love with the closest thing to Satan walking this earth. Can you understand how playing second fiddle to the definition of evil would kill a man’s pride? Yeah, thought so. Now get out there and get rid of Blake, we both know he’s not for you.”
9) Ashley heads out to the rose ceremony and looks over her men. Ames is an obvious choice for a rose. In addition to surprising us with his impressive demeanor, he’s dressed to the nines in white slacks and a navy blazer with a red tie. That’s right, Ames. You can rock the nautical look from the waist down and the politician look on top. You’re both leisure and business – a renaissance man.
10) Blake peaces out but oh, don’t worry, folks. We haven’t seen the last of him. Blake will be starring in the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.
Next stop: Taiwan.