Tag Archives: Ryan

The Men Tell All

I just have one thing to say about last night’s Men Tell All show: Ryan better not be the next bachelor. Seriously, abc. For real. The man prepared for this season by reading books about how to fall in love. As if that weren’t enough, he made “extensive notes” about it. Then he scribbled away in his journal with what I imagine to be an elvin-like glee. He probably giggled incessantly while doing all of the above. I can’t handle a whole season of that insanity, I just can’t. If Ryan is our next bachelor, I’m done with this show.

Who am I kidding, I’ll still watch. But I will be severely perturbed to say the least. Cheers to tonight, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will Ashley choose? A slightly emotional and bald New York native? Or a scraggly-haired yet ridiculously charming wine maker? We find out tonight! Check back for my recap of the finale later this week.

Can't wait to see creepy-lookin jeweler guy Neil Lane again.

-V

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Moving forward (for the hundredth time)

For the past few episodes, Ashley has made bold claims about “moving forward” in her relationships with all of the men. As far as I can tell, the opposite seems to be happening. In fact, after last night’s shenanigans, many of the men seem to now hate her. Between Lucas cursing her name in a southern drawl and Blake smirking over a glass of hard liquor, Ashley was having a really rough time “moving forward”. Oh, well. At least JP and Ben love her; they are the only two that really matter anyway.

The bachelorette is awaiting her men in Hong Kong in this episode. She stands on a busy street as the cars and people rush around her. She’d like to enjoy this beautiful city, but her soul is in turmoil.

“Part of my heart is still with Bentley in the U.S.”

Did anybody else just scream, rip their hair out and/or contemplate setting fire to their television set?

Meanwhile, Harrison is welcoming the men to Hong Kong. He points them in the direction of the hotel where they will be staying and whisks off to pay Ashley a visit. Once they are seated in her hotel room, Harrison looks her square in the eye and lays down a few facts.

“Listen. You have eight outstanding men here and there are some great relationships developing. My biggest fear for you is that in the end, a guy is going to be getting on his knee and you’ll be thinking about Satan, uh, I mean, Bentley. As idiotic as it may be for you to think that you ‘love’ him, I’ve brought him here to talk to you. He’s in the hotel right now.”

Ashley’s face is frozen with fear/surprise. “SHUT UP. No. Shut u – are you SERIOUS.” She clutches her heart and begins to cry. “Is this a joke?! Is this one big lie? You aren’t serious right now, no. No. No.”

You’re right, Ashley. He’s not serious. You thought you were on the Bachelorette, but this is actually an episode of Punk’d. I’m sure Harrison was just looking for an excuse to sit through another one of your emotional break downs because they’re a blast and a half.

Harrison just stares and lets her get it all out before calmly addressing her. “Clearly, your crazed and more than slightly disturbing obsession with Bentley has caused you to forget that I am the perfect man. I’m not here to mess with you, Ashley.”

He jots down Bentley’s room number and slides it over to Ashley, giving her a long, fatherly glare. “Don’t make me regret this. If you don’t get over him immediately after this, I’m quitting.” With that, he leaves her to wander down to Bentley’s room. Ashley arrives at Bentley’s door and knocks. Approximately 15 hours pass. Ashley’s heart is palpitating and she can hardly stand still. She knocks again, this time pressing her lips against the door in mute agony. Another hour passes and then, a muffled, “Who is it?” from within and the door swings open.

There he is. In all of his two-timin’, slime-ballin’ glory. He gives her a smile and she clutches to him, stealing a desperate kiss. Gross.

"Uh oh, my lip gloss is poppin all up on yo mouth. Let me get that, boo"

They have a seat in his room and begin to chat.

B: “I thought about calling but Harrison offered a free trip to Hong Kong so I was like, duh, I’ll be there.”

A: “How’s Cozy?”

B: “Who? Oh, yeah, she’s alright.”

A: “It was so hard when you left, I thought you were the one.”

B: “Yeah girl, me too. Come live with me if it doesn’t work out with JP, okay?”

A: “That’s not fair, you can’t leave it open-ended. I thought you came into my life so we could fall in love.”

B: “I think you know where I’m at, you know where I’m coming from, right. I think you’re here for a purpose.” (note: this makes no sense)

A: (In a sudden twist, her emotions turn to rage) “WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING?! Did you come here to hurt me? Well, mission EFFING accomplished! I’m holding onto a dot dot dot when you should have left with a period. UGH, why is it so HOT IN THIS ROOM!!!”

Ashley storms out of the room. She is livid when she speaks to the camera: “He disrespected me to the core. If you are watching this Bentley, F*** YOU!” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, people.

While Ashley simmers down, the other men are in their  hotel room, reading the first date card: “Lucas, let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Ashley”

lucas & ashley’s date

1) An outright display of rage and dramatics is a tough act to follow, and Lucas’ date struggles from the get-go. The pair walk along a few streets, watch some dragons dance, and it’s super boring.

2) Things start to get a little more interesting when they hop onto a boat. “Do you think I’m the type of girl you would date?” asks Ashley. “Absolutely not, I’m just here for a sweet boat ride,” says Lucas. They both chuckle. Way to avoid the question, you sly dog.

3) Lucas opens up and tells Ashley about the love of his life and the moment he realized that she was a fugly slut and decided he didn’t want her anymore. “I mean…you don’t have to talk about this…” says Ashley.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

The group date card arrives: “Let’s get our hearts racing”

Everyone is called on the date except for JP. BOOM.

group date

1) Ashley greets the men on a beach and informs them that they will be dragon boat racing. They are split up into teams of two and are ordered to walk around and recruit a few locals who can help them row the boats.

2) Team Ryan and Blake immediately locate a local named Domino and have him translate for them.

3) Ames strikes gold when he finds a real-life dragon boat racer. The athlete gets on his iphone and texts all of his team members.

4) Ben and Constantine find zero recruits, but they aren’t worried. They shimmy into red silk robes and hop into their dragon boats.

5) Naturally, the dedication that it takes to be a true scholar is the same that is needed to win a dragon boat race, so Ames comes out the victor. He and Mickey are awarded a trophy and everybody rests on the beach and squints out onto the horizon, searching for Ben and Constantine, who are still lost out on the deep blue sea.

6) At the after party, Ames takes Ashley by the  hand and leads her into an elevator. After his boat racing victory, he’s kicked back a few drinks and loosened his tie. Put him in, coach, he’s ready to get off the bench and play the game. He grabs Ashley and starts to kiss her. We’re all on the same page as Ashley when she exclaims, “Wooaah Ames, where did that come from?!” Who knew this nerd was such a sensual beast?

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The date card arrives for JP: “Let’s take a peek into our future”

Oh, no. Is there a Hong Kong version of Vegas? Run, JP. Run.

Back at the date….

7) Ben is looking dapper in a yellow sweater. He kisses Ashley and then tells the camera that he’s decided he’s falling in love with her. NO, Ben. Save yourself for me.  

8. Ryan and Ashley sit down for a chat. Mid-sentence he grabs her hand and kisses it. She stares at him. “Sorry, I just felt that,” he says. Yikes. “I would love for you to meet my family,” he says. Then he playfully sticks his tongue out. I wish I were lying.

To the amazement and surprise of every viewer, Ashley runs off to fetch the rose and bestows it upon Ryan. His reaction? “SHUSH!!” Come on, girl. You can’t be serious.

Could you love this face?

Ashley & jp’s date

1) “She makes me feel alive,” JP tells the camera. The couple sit down to a steak dinner and pour themselves shots of sake. JP tells Ashley that he can see himself getting down on a knee in the near future.

2) Ashley begins to clutch her heart, as usual, and sweats a little. “What’s wrong?!” JP wonders. “I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s really hard,” says Ashley. “Basically, I was in love with Bentley a day ago.”

JP takes this news rather well. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he’s really disinterested by Bentley (which is refreshing, to say the least) so he just shrugs it off and thanks Ashley for being honest with him.

What a man.

3) After dinner, they hop onto the Hogwarts Express and watch the scenery rush by. JP gets behind her and kisses her neck. Is anybody else going weak at the knees? Oh, wow.

4) Their next stop is a rooftop where they dance to unidentifiable instrumentals and JP tenderly kisses her. Okay, I’ll give it to him. JP is perfect.

Cocktail party // rose ceremony

1) Ashley looks much like Tinker Bell in a sparkly mini dress with her hair pulled back in a top knot. Watch out though – under certain lighting, all of the men and America’s viewers alike get a full view of her thong and butt cheeks. That dress is a taaaaad see through, dear girl.

2) Sadly, displaying her toned tush does not get her out of trouble with the men when she explains to all of them that she had Bentley flown in because she thought she was in love with him mere hours ago.

For a minute, the men are silent. They shoot each other looks to confirm that they are all on the same page. Lucas gives Constantine the nod that he should begin the attack.

An enraged Blake gives Ashley a murderous look and awaits his turn to attack.

Constantine: “Everything that you’ve told us is a lie. You said that the past was behind you, but that’s clearly contradictory because you brought that idiot back here.”

Lucas: “Beezy move, Ash. Why didn’t you get this ‘closure’ earlier? We’re putting a lot on the line to be here, this is a joke!”

Blake: (snickers) “You claim you had such a strong connection in such a short amount of time. Well, it must have felt good to see him again, huh.” (rolls his eyes and kicks back the last of his drink)

Ashley excuses herself to go cry it out. I can’t say I entirely disagree with the men, but it is sad to see little Tink cry.

3) The men continue to bash her behind her back. JP sticks up for her. Ryan goes to comfort her. Constantine becomes the leader of the rally against her:  “Men. We have been wasting away in hospitals with concussions (Ames shuffles his feet and looks away). We have traveled over oceans for her. We have trained in ancient martial arts. Only to waste our time!”

“YEAH!” the men roar.

Woah woah woah….where are the swords and spears? This conversation is on the brink of becoming a medieval riot.

4) Ashley talks to Ames. She asks him how he felt about her Bentley speech. He strokes his chin and answers, “I suppose we would prefer our fairy tales to be simple. But life isn’t as simple as we would hope. In fact, that’s why it’s beautiful.” Can we get this guy a robe and call him pope? A crown and dub him king? A wizard hat and name him Dumbledore? Hell, a cape and call him batman?! What a hero. What a wise sage.

5) Meanwhile, Lucas looks like this.

6) Blake pulls Ashley aside for a chat. He basically says the worst things he can think of while making terribly sassy facial expressions and drinking scotch. She cries again.

7) Mickey sits down with Ash and gives her the stank eye. “I honestly feel lied to,” he says. “Why am I even here anymore? You need to send me home.” Ashley promptly obliges and Mickey rides off in a boat.

8. Once again, Harrison has to sweep in and save Ashley’s sanity.

Ashley: This is so hard.

Harrison: (stares and blinks for a few seconds) “Well, this path is different for every person, and for you it’s just not easy for obvious reasons. Look at your choices. You basically just told all of the men that you fell in love with the closest thing to Satan walking this earth. Can you understand how playing second fiddle to the definition of evil would kill a man’s pride? Yeah, thought so. Now get out there and get rid of Blake, we both know he’s not for  you.”

9) Ashley heads out to the rose ceremony and looks over her men. Ames is an obvious choice for a rose. In addition to surprising us with his impressive demeanor, he’s dressed to the nines in white slacks and a navy blazer with a red tie. That’s right, Ames. You can rock the nautical look from the waist down and the politician look on top. You’re both leisure and business – a renaissance man.

10) Blake peaces out but oh, don’t worry, folks. We haven’t seen the last of him. Blake will be starring in the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.

Next stop: Taiwan.

-V

Guts and Nuts

I think a bachelorette contestant summed it up best with his impeccable use of rhyme during the season’s premiere. “It’s gonna take guts and nuts to do this,”  cried the muffled voice from the crowd of men as Ryan, an instant fan favorite, was the first to pull Ashley away for one-on-one time. It’s a treacherous game, but they all must play it…and we must ridicule them. Shall we begin?

The episode opens with a look back on Ashley’s track record with love/emotional breakdowns. I’ll spare you the gritty details and just provide a rough timeline:

  • Ash goes to a makeshift carnival in the woods.
  • Ash makes out with Brad.
  • Care-free dates ensue, to include a zip line ride, a car ride and a helicopter ride.
  • Ash cries by the pool.
  • Ash cries in the mansion.
  • Ash cries everywhere else.
  • Rejection in Africa

Despite being hopelessly in love and having her heart broken, Ashley found that her passion for the arts has helped her bounce back rather quickly. If it weren’t for black spandex and an empty theater, who knows what type of sniveling wreck she would have become.

That crying, blonde “fool” that we all came to know last season is no more. We are transported to Philadelphia, where a gazelle-like woman is jogging, chestnut locks flowing behind her. Ash has been upgraded emotionally, mentally and most importantly (in the world of reality television), physically.

It seems as though jogging isn’t her only pastime. Ashley keeps her body toned by dancing, dramatically and alone, in theaters. She also practices dentistry and teaches a hip hop class, which gives her that urban edge that every American loves to see in entertainment. This girl body rolls, booty dances and jogs around Philly like nothing you have ever seen. Her cup may be full, but it does not runneth over – she’s still in search of love.

Cue the music and pan over to the mansion, because here comes our dear friend and host, Chris Harrison. Harrison is back and ready to sit back and judge with the rest of us, but first, he’s introducing us to a few of the 25 men that Ashley must choose from:

Ryan

This modern-day hero wants nothing more than a better world. And love too, of course. He’s in the business of solar power and says that he is searching for the, and I quote, “light of my life, light of my soul…love that is brighter than the sun” Cheesy, but since you’re cute, I’ll roll with it.

Ames

Stats:
Schooling: 3 Colleges – Yale, Columbia, Harvard
Travel: 70 Countries
Fitness: 39 Marathons, 28 hours of nonstop running
Attractiveness: 0

Ben

Ben loves New Orleans. And on a scale of 1 to 10 of romantic-ness, he’s a 15 or 215. Because those numbers are pretty comparable.

Bentley

 Bentley is bad news bears. Strike one: he named his daughter “Cozy“. That should be enough of an indication. But I’ll go ahead and give a strike two: He has a pug dog, which he frolics with and kisses on the lips. Strike three:  He wishes the bachelorette were Emily and has plans to destroy Ashley. He’s out. Sexy or not, he’s a skeeze.

William

The unlucky soul whose dad was an alcoholic and who can’t use an umbrella. A personal fave. In addition to having an adorable smile, he seems to really like Ashley, so I think he’ll go far.

Ashley Meets the Men // The Cocktail Party

Before highlighting the wildest and most precious introductions of the night, I will first explain how a viewer is able to tell Ashley’s level of attracted-ness to a man, based on her initial reactions:

A timid and wavery “hi”
Translation: “Your face is ugly.”

A gasp
Translation: “You are dead sexy.”

A giggle, a “hello” and, often, an “Oh my God!”
Translation: “Totes into you. I can envision what our babies will look like.”

 

Introductions:

1) Remember Mickey? With the spiky tendrils atop his  noggin? He tries to kiss Ashley smack dab on the lips, but she recoils before he has the chance to slobber on her face. This doesn’t stop him from bragging about the fabricated kiss to  fellow contestants. What a weirdo.

2) West gives Ash a broken compass that is stuck on, you guessed it, West, and tells her to refer to it any time she’s feeling lost. Was I the only one who thought of Pocahontas?

Stop stealing ideas from Disney, West.

3) The Phantom of the Opera decided to leave the dungeons of an old French theatre to grace us with his presence on ABC television.

4) Benjamin the wine maker is absolutely adorable. He admits that he brushed is teeth at least 8 times that day and gives her a glass of wine that he made himself.

5) Some joke named Ryan (not the solar energy one) busts out his digital camera and takes a few pics of himself and Ashley. He then asks if he can get one with Harrison as well. Are you serious, Ryan?! I mean, no woman in America can blame you for having a crush on Harrison, he is perfection, but still. You’re supposed to be here for Ashley.

 

The Party & Rose ceremony

1) The Phantom is gliding around the party and freaking everybody out. Tim, a New York mob boss, is especially upset.

“I knew this would happen,” says The Phantom. “You put on a mask and people start thinking that you’re strange.”

Yeah. That, or the fact that you are peeking from behind every curtain in the room. But you’re right.

2) “I don’t want ya no where’s near me,” screams Tim. He sets up a throw pillow fortress around himself on the couch to protect himself from The Phantom’s advances.

3) William has a seat with Ashley and tells her that he’s in sales. “Sell me yourself,” says Ashley. This show is family friendly, so there was no actual selling of William’s body, as much as Ashley may have wanted it. Instead, he did a bunch of impressions and accents and he was adorable/hilarious. Big fan of William.

4) Ashley wanders outside to find Tim sitting on a couch alone and staring into nothingness. “Hey, Tim!” she chimes. Tim slowly turns and stares at her face with glazed-over eyes, grinning. “So…tell me about yourself, Tim…” Tim grimaces, squints, stares, smiles, drools, etc.

5) After Ashley walks away, Tim wanders back into the party. He spies The Phantom and asks him if he wants to dance. The men sit in circle around them and stare/laugh.

We manage to catch The Phantom saying, “With my poise, I am not intimidated,” before he whisks off behind another shadowed curtain. 

6) Later, Ashley comes outside again to find Tim wrapped in a snuggie and snoring on a couch. She tries to wake him but there is no rousing sleeping drunkie.

7) Ash enlists the men’s help and has toasted Tim dragged off of the property. They load his body into a shady black minivan and he is taken away. I sense a morning full of confusion and bewilderment in that man’s near future.

8. Ashley falls under Bentley’s spell.

9) Ashley admits to a contestant that she has always wanted to be called cupcake. Noted.

Coming up this season: Flashdancing, jet plane rides, an Asian battleship, Thailand, elephants, the Hogwarts Express, paper lanterns as seen in the newest Disney film Tangled, The Phantom dropping a deuce while reading a magazine, someone going to the ER and Ashley crying in her bed.

Stay tuned.

-V