Oh the power of inebriation. I can’t stress it enough, people: As long as the alcohol is free-flowing and plentiful, this show will not disappoint. These women get drunk and I become hysterical as I witness it. I mean the things that they say…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just dive right in, shall we?
Group Date #1: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words
1) Jake wears a blue button-up shirt that is seriously buttoned down. I am here to report that there was no man-fur creepin’ up his chest, for those that would be concerned.
2) If you noticed an awful lot of bare skin and butt cheeks when Jake came to pick up the girls invited to the first group date, it was because many were lounging around the living room in their swim suits. Nice.
3) On the date, a seriously flamboyant man tells the girls that they will be participating in a photo shoot for In Style magazine. Christina (Treat Bag girl) immediately starts to hyperventilate.
**Time Out** What? Isn’t Christina the beezy that was so confident in the first episode? Confident enough to chuck jelly beans at her fellow competitors? Well, this is a change of pace if I ever saw one.
4) Rozlyn, who prides herself in being a professional model, stares at a fellow bachelorette with a smirk and says,”So…have you done this before? Oh, no? I’ve done it plenty of times…I want to bite Jake! He looks delicious!” …..Ooookey.
4) Back to Christina. “I’m freaking oooooouuuut. My hands are dripping in sweat like a five year old getting ready for recess with his girlfriend!” Chris, don’t try to drag five year olds into the conversation to distract from your behavior. Between picking buggers, circle circle dot-dotting cooties away, and making armpit fart noises, a 5 year old has no time to get nervous about a girl. You make bad analogies, Christina.
5) Rozlyn the model is taking her pictures. The cameraman exclaims that she is “lovely”. I barf. I note that the cameraman is rockin’ a dirty stache. I am dumbfounded as I witness Rozlyn flash her vajayjay at the camera. Christina bursts into tears because she’s pretty darn sure her vajayjay doesn’t look as good as a professional model’s.
6) It’s Christina‘s turn to take pictures. She commands the cameraman to make her look skinny with big boobs (aka turn her into Rozlyn) He shakes his head and his upper lip whiskers ruffle as he wistfully whispers, “Impossible”.
7) Christina might as well have “I Hate My Body” written on her forhead as she walks up to get her picture taken. Her internal struggle with body image is no secret, my friends. From Jake or the rest of America. Jake quickly puts her at ease by telling her that she looks beautiful and nuzzling her hair.
8. The group heads to a hotel. Gia massages her chest (not sensual…awkward) as she talks to Jake on their one on one time. She props her legs across Jake. They are trying to have a very serious conversation when Ashleigh walks up in a sexy swimsuit to steal him away. Jake’s eyes get huge as he says, “We will continue this later, Gia. A hot bod beckons.” Gia pouts and says “Maaaaybe I should put myyy swimsuit oonnn” in a child-like voice. Good plan, Gia. You go do that.
9) Once the girls have stripped down to the bare essentials, Christina starts to lose it again. Surprise, surprise. With shapely bare butt cheeks, Firm torso’s and big boobs all around, Christina starts to feel inadequate. And the only way to start feeling better is to get hammered, naturally.
***Meanwhile, back at the Mansion***
A clue for the one-on-one date arrives. A diamond Necklace. And you know what they say: “Diamonds are a girl’s be”- -wait what? That’s not the saying?! The saying is actually: “Diamonds attract insane, rabid girls”?– Sounds about right.
Michelle prys open the box to reveal the necklace. With slow, extremely anunciated and calculated words she explains to the girls that she believes the girl who puts on the necklace will get the date. As she holds the necklace in her greedy claws and begins to brush the diamonds against her collar bone, I think to myself, I’m scared.
The camera switches to her saying “…diamonds diamonds diamonds diamonnnnddds….ohhh…uhhh…ohh wow. I really want this date.” (People! I am terrified of this woman! Get! Her! Away!)
***Back at the Group Date***
10) Christina has pulled Jake aside. She is smashed at this point. She starts to sing the Twilight Zone theme music. “I feeelzzzlike a normuull gurl against allofthe modelzzzz here”, she says as she hiccups. Rozlyn rescues her from further self-destruction by stealing Jake away. At that, Christina looks at the camera, hoists one finger in the air and proclaims, “I think weeee need another shot!” Noooooo ya don’t sister. Absolutely not.
11) When Rozlyn drags Jake away from the drunken Christina she squeals “I had no time with you, I’m startin to feel lik a leper! Whats wronnngg with me, Jake?!” Because you’re right, Roz. How you’re feeling right now, poolside with cocktails a-plenty and a handsome man to stare at? That’s exactly what it feels like to be a leper. For sure.
12) Mid-convo with Jake, Rozlyn jumps at his face for a kiss. And then she eats him. He tries to chuckle and break away, but she’s havin none of it. Afterward he awkwardly says “Nice.” (smooth one, Jake) Jake is intrigued by this fake-boobed, hair-extension clad vixen, and scurries off to fetch the rose to bestow upon her.
13) About two shots and a couple of margaritas later, Christina is blubbering at the camera about not getting the rose. She contorts her face disturbingly in what is recognizable as distress.
One-On-One Date: “Come Fly With Me”
The doorbell rings and Michelle flings herself outside, running and screaming. I shudder at the sight of her. She tells the camera that women have a “certain female intuition” and her’s is telling her that she will win this date. Of course, Ali gets the date. Michelle blinks and stares at her with an open mouth.
As she is being bestowed with diamonds, Ali gets teary-eyed. I find this adorable rather than annoying. I adore Ali. Ali looks great in yellow and she knows it, because she wears a cute little strapless yellow cocktail dress for the date. Jake comes to pick her up. He says, and I quote: “I hope you’re not afraid of daredevil stuff!” I half expect him to say “uhuh-huh well gawrsh!” in a goofy voice. This man kills me when he speaks sometimes.
Jake takes Ali on a plane ride (NO WAY! who didn’t see this one coming. It’s okay I won’t judge if you admit it. Okay, yes I will.) Ali is afraid of planes. She screams at take-off and tries not to pass out because, after all, it is her one-on-one date. She manages to strangle out “it’s…so…beaut-iful…up here” as she feverishly wipes her brow. but eventually she gets the hang of it.
Question: Is there a special gps system that tells Jake how to get to magical dates while he drives around in vintage cars/motorcycles? Food for thought.
Ali and Jake’s date is precious. Ali – final 3. No doubt.
Group Date #2: Amusement Park
1) Michelle was not invited. She licks her lips sporadically at the realization. “Apparently, Jake has shown me that he doesn’t want to be with me.” Her eyes dart right and left, up and down, diagonal and diagonal. She. Is. Crazed. She tells the camera, “I am who he is supposed to be with!! I am not an ordinary woman. I am different.” Yeah, we figured as much.
2) Elizabeth is big competition on this date. She tells the camera, “Now that I have run my hands all over him and felt how stacked he is, I have decided that he is the one for me.” She pulls him away from the other girls and snuggles up to him in front of the oversized stuffed animals. She struggles to pull a crumpled piece of paper from her skin-tight jeans. After a short time of scrambling, she produces the…letter? that she has written him which basically says, “Thou shalt not kiss me”. Interesting decision. It’s weird that you had to read it out from a crumpled napkin in your jeans pocket, but I’ll roll with it.
3) Jake says “I love these girls…they behave like they’re 12 and that’s great to me.” Well Jake I gotta admit…that’s disgusting to me.
4) Vienna pulls Jake aside to unload some heavy info on him. I am thinking uh oh. is she gonna unveil that she has a child? named Chl♥e? that is furry all over and requires regular grooming?
5) Ashley (the one who dressed up as a flight attendant) with googly eyes and a muppet voice screams at the camera “MAYBE HE DOESN’T WANT TO KISS ME!! HOW COULD HE NOT WANT TO KISS ME??!!” Well…nobody asked me but…I could think of a few reasons. Your muppet voice being a prevalent one.
6) After having told him that he could not kiss her, Elizabeth ruins herself by wearing her berry lipgloss, getting really close to Jake’s face and murmuring, “Do you want to kiss me?” and gazing at him under heavily lidded eyes. And then she tells him that she wants to kiss him. so so bad. Elizabeth! STOP!
1) It’s Momma Ella‘s birthday. Jake brings her a cupcake. She looks down at it and says, “Honay, if it isn’t a rose, I don’t want it.” And looks devastated as she blows out the single, puny candle. She pitches the cupcake while his back is turned and thinks to herself are you kidding?! i’ve already had a kid and it’s all i can do to keep this figure. i don’t eat sweets, honay.
2) Remember when Michelle was threatening to pack her bags earlier? Guess what. She’s still here. And the crazy is in full throttle. She tells the other girls that if Jake doesn’t come and talk to her, she’s gonna step out and act a straight fool at the rose ceremony. I shiver.
3) Rozlyn is discovered to be indeed a hoe. Were we surprised by this? I wasn’t. She seemed sketch. Poor Harrison had to confront her about the “inappropriate relationship” that she had with a staff member. They aren’t quite up front about what an “inappropriate relationship” entails, but I think it’s safe to say that they weren’t just hugging it out.
“I don’t think that my personal life is really anybody’s business.” says Rozlyn. Harrison looks bewildered. You and me both, Hare. “This is something that I take very personally. You insult me, Roz, and it takes a lot to get me angry so you can see how bad this is. I’m more pissed than I even was about Wes. Maybe you should take a lesson from him: Love don’t come easy.” Rozlyn looks like a kid that’s been sent to the principals office. She mutters, “Well, this puts me in a very bad position.” Well yeah, Rozlyn. Being a hoe is a pretty bad position.
With that, Harrison points her in the direction of her room and orders her to pack and leave immediately. As she turns to leave, I notice her ridiculous hairdo. Anybody else wonder what was going on there? Bun or ponytail, Roz. Pick one. You can’t rock both of em. When Jake finds out he is very hurt and disappointed because he thought that Roz could have been the one. A big fat guy in a newsboy hat watches Rozlyn get her stuff ready to go and it takes her ages to pack, as she totters around her room in nine inch heels. We see a wilted rose in the foreground of the shot. Nice touch, cameraman.Question: Did big boy watch as Rozlyn changed into her jeans, shirt and stylish scarf? Harrison wouldn’t allow such a thing, would he?!
4) Harrison breaks the news to the girls that Rozlyn is leaving. They all cry. …excuse me, what? I don’t understand why tears would be shed so passionately on this occasion.
[Click here to read Harrison’s blog about the “scandal”] http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/01/12/chris-harrison-blogs-bachelor-scandal/
5) In her camera time, Vienna grapples for a word to call Rozlyn. I can help you out here, V. Promiscuous…Lady of the Evening…Conniving….Fake-boobed…? Am I helping? Take your pick.
6) After everyone has dried their ridiculous and uncalled for tears and recouped, the rose ceremony commences. Interestingly enough, Vienna is called first. Hmm.
7) Crazy-eyed Ashley and Jelly Bean Christina don’t make the cut. It would have been sweet, sweet irony if Harrison had presented Christina with a treat bag of jelly bellies upon her departure. But Harrison isn’t as cruel as I. During Christina’s camera time, she hears forced laughter emanating through the courtyard from within the Mansion. Her left eye becomes immediately blood-shot. She turns toward the laughter, hugs herself, and cries it out.
And now, in parting, a little heartfelt message from me: Friends don’t let friends drink and go on national television.
I leave you with this gift: