Tag Archives: The Bachelor

Bachelor/ette Recaps Have Moved

Hello friends!

I’m still blogging about the Bachelor/ette, but I’ve moved locations. If you want to keep reading my commentary on America’s favorite guilty pleasure, please click here. I hope you like my new blog (thisismyhobby.wordpress.com), I’m pretty excited about it.

Thanks,
V

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Attention All Gamers : You too can find love

Gaming has been taken to a whole new level. No longer is the wii designed solely to help you stay fit or to play family friendly games with the kids. Consumers can now practice their love skills using the latest in gaming technology. 

Introducing: The Bachelor the video game. 

How much do you want to bet that those are Harrison's lips on the cover of that game? Don't toy with my emotions, Wii!

That’s right. You can now mack on virtual people with a simple click of the wii remote. Like the actual show, this game is hosted by our very own, Chris Harrison. An avatar of Jason Mesnick, along with other previous contestants, are featured in the game. I would say that I hope 8-pack Kiptyn has an avatar in the game but…let’s be honest. No virtual version of Kip could properly do him justice. Better leave well enough alone. 

Players compete in games to win “alone time” with the Bachelor/ette.

Avatar Jason explaining to a contestant that the only constant loves in his life have been his son and his heaving pectorals.

Question…Once a player gets their alone time, what happens? Do the avatars make out in true Bachelor/ette form? Do they have awkward conversation? Do they get completely wasted off of champagne? Do they get super steamy in the hot tub? I mean…if you’re going to make a game, you might as well make it realistic. 

A gaunt-looking avatar of Jason Mesnick. Pretty sure he has more abs than that. But it's whatev.

We need to discuss this, friends. When I saw an ad for this game, I was flooded with emotions. My first thought: Are you serious?! My second thought: This is a hot mess. My third thought: Why do I kinda want to play it?? 

Honestly, if I ever played this game I would be 

a) Depressed that I’m not hot enough / don’t have the abs to be on the actual show. 

b) Depressed that instead of being on a real date, I was wielding my seductive powers as an avatar, of all things, on a wii game. 

c) Depressed that 8-pack Kiptyn will never love me. 

Question… Does anybody else keep thinking of the mystical Navi every time the little people in this game are being referred to as “Avatars”? 

This is the entertainment of 2010, America. Games aren’t just for sport anymore…they’re for building life skills. Like, how to improvise a song on the spot during a one-on-one date. Or, how to act surprised every time you fly in a helicopter. Or, how to wear a bikini that will perfectly display your fairy tattoo at all times. Important stuff. 

You can buy the game on Amazon.com now for the low fee of $30. So what are you waiting for?! Virtual love awaits! 

-V

Things to Come

Hey. It’s Vanessa. Remember me?

I apologize for my unexcused absence. I’ve been reading a lot of other blogs lately and they have reminded me of my neglect of my own. So, I’ve been brainstorming some ideas and I think I have a decent agenda for topics to discuss on here.

I failed to finish out this past season of The Bachelor, and I want you to know that it pains me deeply. I took good notes on the final episodes and I never got to share them with you! I’m going to make up for that.

Posts to come will include the usual topics on fashion statements, awkward social situations and commentary on the  reality trash that we love.

The most anticipated topic for upcoming posts is the new reality TV series titled “Bachelor Pad“. This show functions to make all of our bachelor dreams come true. Previous contestants will be placed in a house to live together… and the drama shall unfold. 

Have you ever wished that you could watch the crazy contestants’ behavior while forced to live and interact with one another? What really goes on in the outhouse when the boys are hanging out before a group date with the bachelorette? What are the girls discussing while braiding each other’s hair before skanking around with the bachelor? All will be exposed.

Who can we expect on this show? Well, I’m guessing that the classy few that have been produced from past seasons will not be in attendance. These most likely include:

8 Pack Kiptyn, Studly Specs Reid, and those who are currently engaged or married.

Those who I’m guessing have higher chances of being on the show include:

The Hulk David, Nasty Natalie (“I like…bears.” Remember her?), Jesse Csincsak (winner of DeAnna’s season), Anyone and everyone involved in the Bachelor cruises promoted by Jesse Csincsak (please tell me you’ve heard of these.), and if we’re lucky…sexy Jesse Kovacs :

 Jesse’s Facebook.

Look through these pictures. It’s almost guaranteed that a handful of these people will be involved: More Facebook Photos

And please, please PLEASE, let Shayne from Matt’s season be on this show!

That girl was bananas. Bare-butt naked, spray tanning in a bathtub on camera? Carrying her makeup bag in her pocket while skiing on the icy slopes? You name it, Shayne did it. Cross your fingers for her appearance.

The best part of all? Our very own Chris Harrison will be hosting.

I know…this all sounds too good to be true. Read more about “Bachelor Pad” here.

I will leave you to fantasize on the incredible possibilities of this summer’s anticipated drama. Hopefully I will be able to post again soon.

V

Drunk

Oh the power of inebriation. I can’t stress it enough, people: As long as the alcohol is free-flowing and plentiful, this show will not disappoint. These women get drunk and I become hysterical as I witness it. I mean the things that they say…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Group Date #1: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

1) Jake wears a blue button-up shirt that is seriously buttoned down. I am here to report that there was no man-fur creepin’ up his chest, for those that would be concerned.

2) If you noticed an awful lot of bare skin and butt cheeks when Jake came to pick up the girls invited to the first group date, it was because many were lounging around the living room in their swim suits. Nice.

3) On the date, a seriously flamboyant man tells the girls that they will be participating in a photo shoot for In Style magazine. Christina (Treat Bag girl) immediately starts to hyperventilate.

**Time Out** What? Isn’t Christina the beezy that was so confident in the first episode? Confident enough to chuck jelly beans at her fellow competitors? Well, this is a change of pace if I ever saw one.

4) Rozlyn, who prides herself in being a professional model, stares at a fellow bachelorette with a smirk and says,”So…have you done this before? Oh, no? I’ve done it plenty of times…I want to bite Jake! He looks delicious!” …..Ooookey.

4) Back to Christina. “I’m freaking oooooouuuut. My hands are dripping in sweat like a five year old getting ready for recess with his girlfriend!” Chris, don’t try to drag five year olds into the conversation to distract from your behavior. Between picking buggers, circle circle dot-dotting cooties away, and making armpit fart noises, a 5 year old has no time to get nervous about a girl. You make bad analogies, Christina.

5) Rozlyn the model is taking her pictures. The cameraman exclaims that she is “lovely”. I barf. I note that the cameraman is rockin’ a dirty stache. I am dumbfounded as I witness Rozlyn flash her vajayjay at the camera. Christina bursts into tears because she’s pretty darn sure her vajayjay doesn’t look as good as a professional model’s.

6) It’s Christina‘s turn to take pictures. She commands the cameraman to make her look skinny with big boobs (aka turn her into Rozlyn) He shakes his head and his upper lip whiskers ruffle as he wistfully whispers, “Impossible”.

7) Christina might as well have “I Hate My Body” written on her forhead as she walks up to get her picture taken. Her internal struggle with body image is no secret, my friends. From Jake or the rest of America. Jake quickly puts her at ease by telling her that she looks beautiful and nuzzling her hair.

8. The group heads to a hotel. Gia massages her chest (not sensual…awkward) as she talks to Jake on their one on one time. She props her legs across Jake. They are trying to have a very serious conversation when Ashleigh walks up in a sexy swimsuit to steal him away. Jake’s eyes get huge as he says, “We will continue this later, Gia. A hot bod beckons.” Gia pouts and says “Maaaaybe I should put myyy swimsuit oonnn” in a child-like voice. Good plan, Gia. You go do that.

9) Once the girls have stripped down to the bare essentials, Christina starts to lose it again. Surprise, surprise. With shapely bare butt cheeks, Firm torso’s and big boobs all around, Christina starts to feel inadequate. And the only way to start feeling better is to get hammered, naturally.

***Meanwhile, back at the Mansion***

A clue for the one-on-one date arrives. A diamond Necklace. And you know what they say: “Diamonds are a girl’s be”- -wait what? That’s not the saying?! The saying is actually: “Diamonds attract insane, rabid girls”?– Sounds about right.

Michelle prys open the box to reveal the necklace. With slow, extremely anunciated and calculated words she explains to the girls that she believes the girl who puts on the necklace will get the date. As she holds the necklace in her greedy claws and begins to brush the diamonds against her collar bone, I think to myself,  I’m scared.

The camera switches to her saying “…diamonds diamonds diamonds diamonnnnddds….ohhh…uhhh…ohh wow. I really want this date.” (People! I am terrified of this woman! Get! Her! Away!)

***Back at the Group Date***

10) Christina has pulled Jake aside. She is smashed at this point. She starts to sing the Twilight Zone theme music. “I feeelzzzlike a normuull gurl against allofthe modelzzzz here”, she says as she hiccups. Rozlyn rescues her from further self-destruction by stealing Jake away. At that, Christina looks at the camera, hoists one finger in the air and proclaims, “I think weeee need another shot!” Noooooo ya don’t sister. Absolutely not.

11) When Rozlyn drags Jake away from the drunken Christina she squeals “I had no time with you, I’m startin to feel lik a leper! Whats wronnngg with me, Jake?!” Because you’re right, Roz. How you’re feeling right now, poolside with cocktails a-plenty and a handsome man to stare at? That’s exactly what it feels like to be a leper. For sure.

12) Mid-convo with Jake, Rozlyn jumps at his face for a kiss. And then she eats him. He tries to chuckle and break away, but she’s havin none of it. Afterward he awkwardly says “Nice.” (smooth one, Jake) Jake is intrigued by this fake-boobed, hair-extension clad vixen, and scurries off to fetch the rose to bestow upon her.

13) About two shots and a couple of margaritas later, Christina is blubbering at the camera about not getting the rose. She contorts her face disturbingly in what is recognizable as distress.

One-On-One Date: “Come Fly With Me”

The doorbell rings and Michelle flings herself outside, running and screaming. I shudder at the sight of her. She tells the camera that women have a “certain female intuition” and her’s is telling her that she will win this date. Of course, Ali gets the date. Michelle blinks and stares at her with an open mouth.

As she is being bestowed with diamonds, Ali gets teary-eyed. I find this adorable rather than annoying. I adore Ali. Ali looks great in yellow and she knows it, because she wears a cute little strapless yellow cocktail dress for the date. Jake comes to pick her up. He says, and I quote: “I hope you’re not afraid of daredevil stuff!” I half expect him to say “uhuh-huh well gawrsh!” in a goofy voice. This man kills me when he speaks sometimes.

Jake takes Ali on a plane ride (NO WAY! who didn’t see this one coming. It’s okay I won’t judge if you admit it. Okay, yes I will.) Ali is afraid of planes. She screams at take-off and tries not to pass out because, after all, it is her one-on-one date. She manages to strangle out “it’s…so…beaut-iful…up here” as she feverishly wipes her brow. but eventually she gets the hang of it.

Question: Is there a special gps system that tells Jake how to get to magical dates while he drives around in vintage cars/motorcycles? Food for thought.

Ali and Jake’s date is precious. Ali – final 3. No doubt.

Group Date #2: Amusement Park

1) Michelle was not invited. She licks her lips sporadically at the realization. “Apparently, Jake has shown me that he doesn’t want to be with me.” Her eyes dart right and left, up and down, diagonal and diagonal. She. Is. Crazed. She tells the camera, “I am who he is supposed to be with!! I am not an ordinary woman. I am different.” Yeah, we figured as much.

2) Elizabeth is big competition on this date. She tells the camera, “Now that I have run my hands all over him and felt how stacked he is, I have decided that he is the one for me.” She pulls him away from the other girls and snuggles up to him in front of the oversized stuffed animals. She struggles to pull a crumpled piece of paper from her skin-tight jeans. After a short time of scrambling, she produces the…letter? that she has written him which basically says, “Thou shalt not kiss me”. Interesting decision. It’s weird that you had to read it out from a crumpled napkin in your jeans pocket, but I’ll roll with it.

3) Jake says “I love these girls…they behave like they’re 12 and that’s great to me.” Well Jake I gotta admit…that’s disgusting to me.

4) Vienna pulls Jake aside to unload some heavy info on him. I am thinking uh oh. is she gonna unveil that she has a child? named Chl♥e? that is furry all over and requires regular grooming?

5) Ashley (the one who dressed up as a flight attendant) with googly eyes and a muppet voice screams at the camera “MAYBE HE DOESN’T WANT TO KISS ME!! HOW COULD HE NOT WANT TO KISS ME??!!” Well…nobody asked me but…I could think of a few reasons. Your muppet voice being a prevalent one.

6) After having told him that he could not kiss her, Elizabeth ruins herself by wearing her berry lipgloss, getting really close to Jake’s face and murmuring, “Do you want to kiss me?” and gazing at him under heavily lidded eyes. And then she tells him that she wants to kiss him. so so bad. Elizabeth! STOP!

Rose Ceremony

1) It’s Momma Ella‘s birthday. Jake brings her a cupcake. She looks down at it and says, “Honay, if it isn’t a rose, I don’t want it.” And looks devastated as she blows out the single, puny candle. She pitches the cupcake while his back is turned and thinks to herself are you kidding?! i’ve already had a kid and it’s all i can do to keep this figure. i don’t eat sweets, honay.

2) Remember when Michelle was threatening to pack her bags earlier? Guess what. She’s still here. And the crazy is in full throttle. She tells the other girls that if Jake doesn’t come and talk to her, she’s gonna step out and act a straight fool at the rose ceremony. I shiver.

3) Rozlyn is discovered to be indeed a hoe. Were we surprised by this? I wasn’t. She seemed sketch. Poor Harrison had to confront her about the “inappropriate relationship” that she had with a staff member. They aren’t quite up front about what an “inappropriate relationship” entails, but I think it’s safe to say that they weren’t just hugging it out.

“I don’t think that my personal life is really anybody’s business.” says Rozlyn. Harrison looks bewildered. You and me both, Hare. “This is something that I take very personally. You insult me, Roz, and it takes a lot to get me angry so you can see how bad this is. I’m more pissed than I even was about Wes. Maybe you should take a lesson from him: Love don’t come easy.” Rozlyn looks like a kid that’s been sent to the principals office. She mutters, “Well, this puts me in a very bad position.” Well yeah, Rozlyn. Being a hoe is a pretty bad position.

With that, Harrison points her in the direction of her room and orders her to pack and leave immediately. As she turns to leave, I notice her ridiculous hairdo. Anybody else wonder what was going on there? Bun or ponytail, Roz. Pick one. You can’t rock both of em. When Jake finds out he is very hurt and disappointed because he thought that Roz could have been the one. A big fat guy in a newsboy hat watches Rozlyn get her stuff ready to go and it takes her ages to pack, as she totters around her room in nine inch heels. We see a wilted rose in the foreground of the shot. Nice touch, cameraman.Question: Did big boy watch as Rozlyn changed into her jeans, shirt and stylish scarf? Harrison wouldn’t allow such a thing, would he?!

4) Harrison breaks the news to the girls that Rozlyn is leaving. They all cry. …excuse me, what? I don’t understand why tears would be shed so passionately on this occasion.

[Click here to read Harrison’s blog about the “scandal”] http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/01/12/chris-harrison-blogs-bachelor-scandal/

5) In her camera time, Vienna grapples for a word to call Rozlyn. I can help you out here, V. Promiscuous…Lady of the Evening…Conniving….Fake-boobed…? Am I helping? Take your pick.

6) After everyone has dried their ridiculous and uncalled for tears and recouped, the rose ceremony commences. Interestingly enough, Vienna is called first. Hmm.

7) Crazy-eyed Ashley and Jelly Bean Christina don’t make the cut. It would have been sweet, sweet irony if Harrison had presented Christina with a treat bag of jelly bellies upon her departure. But Harrison isn’t as cruel as I. During Christina’s camera time, she hears forced laughter emanating through the courtyard from within the Mansion. Her left eye becomes immediately blood-shot. She turns toward the laughter, hugs herself, and cries it out.

haha.

And now, in parting, a little heartfelt message from me: Friends don’t let friends drink and go on national television.

I leave you with this gift:  

-V

Landing Strips & Co-Pilots

Let me begin by saying this: If I  hear another metaphor dealing with planes, co-pilots, or landing strips…I’ll scream. Something tells me I’m going to have a constant sore throat this season.

**Disclaimer** For those of you who haven’t read my previous Bachelor/ette blogs: I apologize for the harsh judgment that I place on the people who participate in this show. But it must be done.

We begin the season with the sweet sounds of Harrison’s voice narrating the tale of Jake’s rejection and renewed search for love. Jake  may have had a broken heart and/or dealt with depression after Jilly’s rejection, but let me be the first to say – he wasn’t showin it. I’ll tell you what he was showing though: his body. Jake Pavelka is Plane-Steerin’, Woman-Lovin’, Cheesy-Smilin’, Man Candy. And with the exception of a cocktail party and rose ceremony, his shirt is always off. God bless America.

Harrison narrates us through a day in the life of Jake – As he heals his broken heart, he walks the streets of texas in a blue shirt that begs to be taken off. He then makes an omelete in his kitchen,  bare-chested, and pours himself a sensual glass of water. And just when we are about to faint dead-away at the sight of him shirtless and cooking, his voice-over drags us down to reality as he says, “Love is perfect. It endures.” ….Jake, you killed it bud.

Then the tv switches to a promo for the olympics – wait what?! – no, that’s Jake doing acrobatic excercises shirtless! His skin glistens as he does push-ups by an indigo pool. Okay Jake, we forgive you for sounding like a total dweeb a few seconds ago. This man is no average pilot. He does life-threatening stunts in a red plane. He builds wooden shelters (shirtless!). He rides a vintage bike around town. He is the ultimate bachelor (until he speaks).

Now we meet a few choice bachelorettes:

Ali: My favorite. She sadly tells us that in the past, she has lost boys to video games. That’s right girl – you’ve clearly lost boys. Not men. Chin up.


Alexa: At first we thought we were looking at Jake again, riding his motorcycle around town. But what is that flowing from beneath that butch helmet? A strand of golden blond hair? Oops. That’s a woman on that bike. And she says the word “orgasm” within the first five seconds of her camera time. No thank you.

Christina: Ohhhhh Christina. She is a self-proclaimed beezy and practices in the mirror how to talk nicely to the other girls: “I like your shoes! I like your dress!” ….seriously, chris? Be real, girl. Stop that.

Vienna: Like the sausage. Her daddy bought her five cars and she wrecked all of them. She spends “mommy daughter days” with her dog Chl♥e. Watch out Jake – Chl♥e is looking for a daddy of her own. Run.

Ella: She’s a mommy. We see her frolicking between trees with her surprisingly non-toddler aged son. Suddenly, Ella is in boxing gloves and is punching the camera. …Who else found this random?

We are now at the Bachelor Mansion, where Harrison greets us looking quite studly in a striped tie and two-piece suit. I missed him so much. He strikes up a casual conversation about true love with Jake, who says “I’m risking it all for love“. Question: What exactly are you risking? Your health? Your estate? Your flying license? I’m confused, Jakey. When asked if, in a deal with the devil, he would exchange flying for love, Jake replies (after a dramatic pause and a deep breath), “You know what, Hare?!…love is more powerful than flying. Love soars higher than the wings of any aircraft that I have ever encountered, that’s for diggity-dog-dang sure!”

Now it’s time for Jake to meet the women for the first time. Here’s what happens:

1) Ali walks up in a pretty yellow dress. She holds a huge peacock feather behind her back. She nervously says, “Jake…will you accept this feather?” as she coyly strokes his face with it. You thought this show was about giving roses?! Heck naw. It’s about blue feathers plucked from a bird’s fluffy butt.

2) Jake loves Momma Ella’s accent. She plays a mommy-like prank on him: “Oops! Somethin’s on your shirt honay!” and then sticks her finger up his nose. Too much momma and not enough Ella. Get it together sister.

3) OH GOD HERE COMES Vienna. If only Jake could hear me through the television! RUN! RUUUUNNN!

4) Alexa wears her motorcycle gloves and gruffly says, “Here’s the deal, bucko. I fly your plane, you ride my harley. Capiche?” Yikes. Manly much?

5) Valishia is the homemaker from Texas. She asks Jake to hold out his hand and I wait for something juicy, like a palm reading. But no. She has brought him soil from Texas. She thoroughly rubs dirt into the creases of his palm while he awkwardly watches. “This mystical dirt from the land of Texas represents our common ground”, breaths Valishia. Jake’s reply: “……..”

6) Elizabeth the nanny’s cleavage causes Jake to stutter when they meet. She senses that he is nervous and instructs him to close his eyes and imagine his favorite place. He whimsically says, “Right here, right now. Just me, you, your boobs, and the moonlight”. Startled, she opens her eyes and says “Really? Mine’s snowboarding!” ….Liz? I’m pretty positive that it is impossible for “snowboarding” to be your favorite place. That makes zero sense.

7) Michelle. is. insane. I thought maybe she would be adorable when she buzzed up to Jake making airplane noises. I thought, hey this girl might be care-free and exciting. But then she spoke. “I would love to um…be the…passenger…in your plane. (her crazy eyes stare at his lips). “I would like to….be…your copilot…in the end” Just stop it, Michelle. You crazy. P.S. is it just me or does she look just like Jesse Kovacs from last season?

The male version of Michelle?

Christina brings a basket of goodies for the other girls. If you didn’t hate Christina before, it is imperative that you begin hating her now.

Next, the cocktail party. I love the cocktail party. Why? Because people get drunk and do ludicrous things. “I’m sorry I was so nervous!!”, Jake bawls before the adoring crowd. He urges them to have fun. We see Christina, the party bag girl, jiggle a few jelly bean bags at the girls and make a knife motion across her throat.

Mixing and Mingling:

1) My girl Ali fell down and ripped her dress. Drunk much?

2) As the girls are sitting around and lusting over Jake, Channy chose not to talk in cambodian long enough to say, “I could be the naughty girl!!!”. No thank you Channy! In her one on one time with Jake, she speaks in her native tongue, which sounds like  a squirrel sneezing. Jake feels obligated to say “That’s…so…pretty.” Her guttural groans translate to “You can land your plane on my landing strip any day”. Aaaaand your done.

3) Momma Ella drops the mom bomb right away. Jake hesitates to sit next to her on the couch. She stole her son’s most beloved toy that he has had since age 2 and gave it to this guy that she barely knows. Glad to know that her child’s most prized possession can be traded for a cheesy smile and killer abs. Parenting at its best, folks.

4) Someone wears a flight attendant costume. I refuse to comment further on this matter.

5) Sexy Elizabeth decides to play football with Jake. All I can think is, I don’t know how much double stick tape you have on the inside of that dress, girl, but make sure that boobage doesn’t fall out! Sports + Evening gowns = No bueno. The other girls come out and we’ve got a straight scrimmage on our hands. Blondes vs. Brunettes. And everyone is squealing. And Jake can’t throw a football to save his life.

6) Oh my Lord, VIENNA‘S ONE-ON-ONE TIME!!! Somehow she gets Jake to touch her entire body. She made him kiss her leg and feel her heartbeat (aka her pulsing/heaving breasts). With the vigor in which she thrusts his hand to her breast, her locket falls open to reveal a picture of her and her dog, Chl♥e.

7) Meanwhile, back in the house, Crazy crazy Michelle is crying. Yes. After knowing Jake for – Count it! – one hour, crazy-face is crying. What is happening. Michelle goes to steal Jake away from some other girl with tears in her eyes (I stare at the tv in bewilderment). She says “I’m here to fall in love with you. To have a co-pilot in the end”. Confused and delusional Jake mistakes her craziness for passion and gives her a rose in the end.

8. Jillian and Ed come. Jillian is as sparkly and petite as ever. I have no comment on Ed.

9) Goodie Bag Christina tells Jake to lay down and proceeds to lay on his feet. Once again, wtf Christina? Just…wtf.

10) Jake gives the first impression rose to Tenley, who makes it clear that she is easy by kissing him right off the bat. Maybe Jake’s a little more naughty than we thought, eh??

11) In his interview with Jake, Harrison says, and I quote: “Channy came atcha with a little cambodian!” Hahahah. oh Harrison. I love thee.

12) When Jake gives Michelle her rose, she kisses it.

We end the episode with a teaser: JAKE GETS PISSED. And guess what else. He CUSSES! AND!!! kicks a lamp over. Ohhh yesssss. Stay tuned for more crazy.

-V

The New Bachelor : Mr. Perfect

Good news, readers – my blogging is about to get smacked with some spicy. Why? The season premier of The Bachelor is upon us.  Starting next Monday, January 4th at 8/7c, America will experience the magnificence of reality tv at its finest. One man. 25 Women. And me. I will be updating the blog after every show with commentary on what goes down between the Bachelor and his many mistresses.

Who is the Bachelor? Jake Pavelka.

You remember him, right? Mr. Perfect? Here is Jake’s Bachelorette Timeline, just to jog your memories:

1) One-on-One date with Jillian, early in the season. She dances on a bar for him, Coyote Ugly style. He looks up her dress and blushes.

2) Jake passionately kisses Jillian mid-sentence while they are having dinner. Women everywhere approve.

3) As they dance, Jake kisses Jillian’s  hand – another point scored.

4) Jake starts to creep us out when his too-perfect smile cheezes just a little too hard. We wonder if he’s really this nice or if he’s fake.

5) We are distracted by the insanity that is every other man on the show, and forget about Jake until the end of the season.

6) Jake whines that he always gets blamed for being too perfect and rescues Jillian from falling into the trap that is Wes. He is wearing his pilot uniform.

So, now that our memory of Jake has been refreshed, I will admit that I am a tad disappointed in America’s choice. It saddens me that we won’t be watching Kiptyn‘s heaving 8pack dole out roses, or Reid‘s stylish specs gleaming in studio lighting. That being said, I have the highest of hopes for Jake’s performance on this show. Although I know that he will never satisfy me as Kiptyn does, I’m sure he will deliver enough drama to make this season a good one.

Now, before we all take part in the quest to find Jake’s true love, I thought it would be appropriate to compile a list of what we know of Jake’s personality  from his time spent on Jillian‘s season. It was hard for me to find things that I had written about him, as he wasn’t one of the season’s shining stars (Break Dancin’ Mikey, The Hulk David, Foot Fetish Tanner, Juanita, etc.); However, I was able to come up with this list of his traits:

1) He cries like a woman

2) He never curses…except for that one time when he dropped the Fbomb on “The Men Tell All” show…that was awkward.

3) He’s squeaky clean and most of the men from last season hated him for it.

As we know from watching Bachelors and Bachelorettes past, their personalities seem to evolve quite a bit once they become the star of the show. It will be interesting to see how our perceptions of Jake change. This season will serve to answer some  important questions:

[ Is he as perfect as he once seemed? Will he, God forbid, say a curse word on air? Is he really as respectful toward women as he poses to be? Will he take some lucky woman on a personal plane ride, he becoming the pilot of her heart? Will he break down into tears and sob like a baby over a young woman’s destiny? ]

I visited abc’s website to take a look at the bachelorettes that we have lined up for this season. I  have chosen a few that look pretty good…

Here we have Ali, who is a 25 year old Advertising Account Manager. She looks precious. Don’t let me down, Al.

Elizabeth. She looks sassy. She is a 29 year old nanny.

This is Gia. She is just downright sexy. Guess what else. She’s a swimsuit model. Naturally.

…Someone who kinda scares me?

Kirsten. Yikes. Let’s hope that’s just a bad picture, yes?

It will be interesting to see how far my picks make it…or what they are like once they open their mouths. I will say that my favorite part of the premier is watching all of the women walk out of the limo and making my initial and immediate judgments of them, based on their hair, dress, and speech. I can’t wait to see the “gifts” that some of these girls will come up with to try to catch Jake’s attention.

Visit the site and pick your faves: http://www.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/index

Don’t watch the “sneak peek” though!! Spoilers are no good!

I will end this post with a quote from Jake’s Bio on the Bachelor website: 31-year-old Jake Pavelka is out to prove to the world that nice guys don’t finish last. No, they finish in love. Fasten your seatbelts and leave your relationship baggage at the door

That’s right, viewers. Fasten  those seatbelts.

V