Tag Archives: The Bachelorette

Bachelor/ette Recaps Have Moved

Hello friends!

I’m still blogging about the Bachelor/ette, but I’ve moved locations. If you want to keep reading my commentary on America’s favorite guilty pleasure, please click here. I hope you like my new blog (thisismyhobby.wordpress.com), I’m pretty excited about it.

Thanks,
V

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Things get steamy

I have to admit I had some serious doubts in Ashley. She’s consistently acted so outrageously throughout the season that I was becoming unsure of her ability to pick a good man when she sees one. But, she has finally narrowed her suitors down to two and I must say, she’s done quite a fine job. I can’t think of any better two than Ben and JP, so, despite the fact that I’ve come close to tearing my clothing and ripping my hair out over her antics, I have to tip my hat to the bachelorette.

Monday’s episode took us to Fiji, which is the ultimate place to fall in love, according to Ashley. I wouldn’t put much stock in that sentence because she said the same thing about every village in Japan, but it does look pretty awesome. As Ashley settles in to her plush new digs, she takes some time to read a quick devotional and write in her journal. I imagine her journal entry says something along the lines of, “Father, I ask forgiveness in advance for the unspeakable things I plan to do to both Ben and JP in the fantasy suite.”

Just after she has shut her journal and moved on to brushing her hair, she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and her eyes go wide “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?”

Commercial Break.

Alright, I had no idea who this person could be. I knew for sure it couldn’t be Bentley, there’s no way Harrison would let that fool on the premises. My only guess was that Mickey (remember him? spiky hair, boring, waste of time?) had regretted his decision to leave and decided to come back for a second chance.

And we’re back. Rewind a few minutes back: A pair of feet are walking down a muddy path. The camera pans up and we see Ryan walking stoically alongside the Fiji wilderness. Wait, what?! Ryan? Ryan. Seriously.

“I feel that there are things unsaid and undiscovered between Ashley and I,” his voiceover says, “We gotta explore it. Maybe she has regretted letting me go…I’ve just got to see her and find out if she loves me.”

Well Ryan, Ashley may be an indecisive wreck, but of this I am certain: She’s never been more sure of a decision in her life. I’m pretty sure you aren’t even a real person. You eat sunshine and poop lollipops, okay? That’s not normal.

He walks up to Ashley’s door and knocks. “Ry!” she screams. “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, I called Harrison to ask if I could come here and he was all like, ‘Hell, I’m down for a good laugh, she’s in Fiji, go for it,’ so here I am! I don’t know if you regretted letting me go, but I want to spend more time with you.”

Oh, Ry. She hasn’t even thought of you for two seconds since you left. She’s been too busy enjoying JP’s magical kisses and stroking Ben’s amazing hair (Note: these are her thoughts, not mine. I’m opposed to Ben’s hair and its weird center part. But the rest of him is hot, so it’s alright.)

Ryan babbles on for half an hour about Lord knows what, probably something to do with water heaters and how he’s so glad he didn’t sign up for the military. After both Ashley and the rest of us think we’re going to pass out from boredom, he pulls out a crinkled piece of paper.

“I’m here for a couple of days so, if you want to spend time together, I’m here. You’ll see that there are a couple boxes on the paper, it’s just a quick survey. Check ‘yes’ if you like me and ‘no’ if you don’t. Thanks for your time.”

Alright, glad that’s over. Now let’s get down to the serious business: dates and fantasy suites.

Ben & ashley’s date

1) Ashley surprises Ben with a yacht. The two jump on and waste no time in exploring each other’s bodies. Ben lays down and Ashley straddles him. She rubs sunscreen all over his chest and neck.

Ashley, get down from there.

Ash: “Are you okay with this?”
Ben: “I’m more than okay with this. We are two steps away from creating an adult film, but I’m into it.”

If I hadn't seen the episode and just saw this picture...I would be concerned.

2) After they are good and lubed up with lotion, they jump into the water for a snorkeling session.

3) Next, they head to dinner and are both so happy that at first all they can do is stare at each other and smile. Kinda presh. Then Ben launches into a speech about how he’s obsessed with her. He admits that he’s fully committed to her, so she chucks the fantasy suite card at him.

4) They drop their forks, high tail it to the suite, strip down to their swim suits and do some foreplay in the infinity pool. Then Ben lifts her out of the water and carries her to the bedroom. This whole date is just way too steamy for my restless heart to handle. Whew.

constantine & ashley’s date

1) Ashley is wearing what appears to be a white handkerchief bunched around her non-existent boobs. Once again I will say: this woman doesn’t own a full shirt.

What is this outfit?!?

2) Ashley surprises Constantine with a helicopter ride. As the two soar through the air, the camera pans down to a lone figure standing on a beach. Give you one guess who that is.

Outrageous behavior

3) Constantine and Ashley enjoy a swim by a waterfall. They make out zero times and share no intimate moments. Then they sit down to a picnic and have a tense conversation. I kind of stop paying attention because there’s no spicy sensual action going on, but I think they might have gotten into a fight. Something about time, investments and houses. Not sure.

4) Later, at dinner, they toast over a glass of wine and Constantine comments that it is very “grapefruit-y” tasting. Then he admits that Ben taught him all about wine tasting. Man crush?

Ash: “Is it weird for you? Being friends with a guy that is dating me too?”

Const: “To be honest, I find Ben extremely attractive and I can’t blame you in the slightest for wanting to jump his bones. I question my own sexuality around the man. He’s suave, knows everything about wine and that hair….Actually, you know what? Go for Ben. I’m not into you at all.”

Constantine peaces out and, instead of taking advantage of the fantasy suite anyway and inviting Ben over for round two, she heads back to her own room and spends the night alone.

Ashley gives Constantine her stank face.

ashley pays ryan a visit

1) Ryan looks like he might pee pixie dust at the sight of Ashley on his doorstep. He invites her to stand on his balcony for a chat.

2) “Ry, you’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met in my life,” says Ash. “If I had a checklist for the perfect man, you fulfilled it. You are exactly what I want, but I don’t want you.” Way to go Ashley, that was only the most confusing way to break up with someone ever.

3) Ryan looks really sad to be rejected twice but he brought it upon himself, so we can’t pity him folks.

jp & ashley’s date

1) Once again, Ashley is wearing an abstract piece of cloth draped over her tiny frame instead of a regular shirt. She greets JP with a sensual make out session.

2) They hop on a plane and it takes them to Namanalalalala island, where JP tells Ashley that he’s ready for the end, when he can be the last one standing. Then they hug it out and he grabs her entire butt with one hand.

3) At dinner Ashley tries to make JP think Bentley came back because she’s a sick and twisted person, but then admits that it was only Ryan who showed up in Fiji. JP holds himself back from snorting in disgust.

4) She hands him the fantasy suite card and he says “Yeah. I’m into that.” I could make an inappropriate joke here, but I won’t. I’m a classy lady.

5) The couple waste no time with foreplay in the infinity pool, they head straight for the bed. Before you can say “Ryan’s a joke”, JP is on top of Ash and they are two seconds away from doing the dirty on national television. Pan away, camera, pan away! I am losing my innocence with every passing second!

rose ceremony

1) As usual, Ash and Harrison sit down for a chat. I’m grateful for this chance to feast my eyes on all of the man that is Harrison, but I’m instantly bored. Ashley repeats some of the typical stuff she says about love and rejection and then she is off to the rose ceremony.

2) She gives the boys some speech about being afraid they won’t accept her rose despite the fact that they both basically proclaimed their love for her and then took her to bed nights before. Spare us the drama, Ash.

3) Of course, they both accept. Note that she called Ben’s name first AND she stared at him the entire time she talked about her family coming to Fiji for the next episode. I’m just sayin.

I know I will meet lots of opposition when I say this, but I’ll say it anyway: BEN FOR THE WIN!

Next week: Ashley calls her sister a beezy and cries. Stay tuned.

-V

p.s. Naked?

#yikes

Taiwanese matchmaking

The Bachelorette returned on Monday night and the show was more full of tears and anguish than ever. Ashley didn’t have to bring the water works alone this time, though – she had plenty of help from a normally slap-happy Ryan and a certain (snooze-worthy) Bachelor contestant of the past. This episode also opened our eyes to a few new tid bits of information about our spritely bachelorette, one of the more prevalent ones being that she doesn’t own shirts that properly cover her back. But can we blame her? She’s got a nice set of shoulder blades and, naturally, they need a little breathing room every now and then. It’s the only decent way a good shoulder-blade or two should be treated, as we all know.

Exhibit A

A quote from my mom: “What in the world does she have on?! A handkerchief??”

Exhibit B

This episode takes place in the lovely Taiwan. According to Ashley, Taiwan is a hidden part of Asia that nobody really knows about. I’m thinking maybe she skipped out on 6th grade social studies. Regardless of her level of geographical education, Ash at least seems more decisive and clear on the men that she is truly into this go around.

 Harrison meets the men in front of a hotel. “Sup, fellas? Welcome to the beautiful city of Taipei, Taiwan. This city may be wonderful, but your experiences here probably won’t be. At least one of you will cry at the end of this. And it will probably be the one of you who has a special interest in water heaters. Four of you will make it out of here with a rose and you can then introduce Ashley to your families (winks at JP).”

With that, Harrison the prophet leaves the men to mull over his words and read the date card: “Constantine, let your love-light shine.”

constantine & ashley’s date

1) The couple hops onto a steam engine and head for a small village that specializes in lantern making. As the train pulls into town, Constantine is sure to give a friendly wave to all of the locals. “Hey, what’s up?” he says out of the window to a quizzical looking asian baby as the train slows down.

2) Ash jumps onto Constantine’s back and he carries her over to a big red lantern, on which they draw their “love wishes”.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The next date card arrives. Ames reads it aloud: “Ben, let’s spend a gorgeous day together in Taiwan.”

“And the word gorgeous is spelled “g-o-r-g-e-s,” says Ames. “I actually recited that word in a spelling bee once. When I was three.”

Back at the date…

3) Ashley and Constantine discuss his family and the possibility of them ending up together. “Do you think you could see yourself with me?” asks Ashley. “Uhh…well, I mean, if we fall in love.” Emphasis on the “if”.

4) Ash decides to shake that off and release their lantern into the night sky. Then they decide to make out a little. When they come up for air they realize that the sky has filled with other lanterns just like theirs.

Excuse me…um, Taiwan? Did you rip off your tradition from one of Disney’s recent films?

Who saw Tangled? Just sayin.

This might have had a shot at being more adorable if Ben or JP were there....

Ben and Ashley’s date

1) Ashley and Ben go on a moped ride around Taiwan. The good news is that Ben is adorable when he tells her he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time. The bad news is that he calls her “kiddo”. Pretty sure her request at the beginning of this season was to be called “cupcake” and, although that is slightly nauseating and nearly as bad, it is not quite as disgusting as a man calling a woman “kiddo”.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The group date card arrives and is granted to Lucas, Ames and JP: “I’m grooming you for the big day.”

This means that Ryan has been granted the one-on-one date. His response to this news? “YES!” he exclaims while slamming his right elbow into the left palm of his hand. I’m not sure what kind of opposite-of-a-gang-symbol-because-you-are-too-dorky-to-be-in-a-gang sign that was, but it terrifies me.

Back at the date…

5) Ben and Ashley have relocated to a romantic dinner. Ben basically confesses his love to Ashley and admits that he gets butterflies in his stomach when he kisses her. Alright, a moment of truth: Ben is perfect. I know his hair is in the awkward stage between being long and short, which causes it to flip out strangely above his ears sometimes,  and I realize that he’s kind of dorky but…I think I’m in love with him. Marry me, Ben.

The next morning at the hotel….

Ben has still not come home from his date with Ashley and things aren’t looking pretty over breakfast in the old suite.  JP has become unrecognizable. A demon has possessed the body of what was once a mild tempered and tolerant, love-struck man. The new JP sits alone and in silence, his bulging eyes darting between the men. When he does speak, it is only to drop the f-bomb a dozen times before descending into mute anger once more.

JP with a murderous look in his eye.

 Group DAte

1) Ashley has planned yet another creepy, wedding-themed date for the men to enjoy. Lucas is given traditional Taiwanese garb to wear and, in true hick form, dubs it a dress. Ames dons a glittery, pink and powder blue get-up that is, and I quote, “the offspring of an otstrich and Elton John”, and is an excellent sport about it. JP gets to wear a traditional tuxedo.

Lucas: “JP has been acting like a little girl, so thank God he gets to wear the tux.”

My sentiments exactly, Luke.

2) Lucas and Ash kick off the shindig with a series of “traditional” photos. All is going well until Lucas leans in for a posed kissing photo.

3) Things continue to go downhill for JP during Ames’ photo shoot and by the time it is JP’s turn to pose with Ash, he’s in a more foul mood than ever. He doesn’t get into it at all and the photog struggles to get a picture of him actually smiling.  “These are gonna be the worst photos ever,” Ashley murmurs under her breath. But we aaaaaaall heard it.

4) During the after party, Lucas and Ashley sit down for a chat. “I was pretty pissed off that I had to wear a dress instead of a tux for the pictures,” he admits. “Other than that, I had an okay time.” Are you serious. Alright, I’ve had it. It’s time for these guys to man up. Did they forget what they signed up for? A reality show. Nobody is asking you to wear a Taiwanese dress on your real wedding, Luke. And everybody knows the bachelorette macks on tons of men at once, JP. So let’s all grow a pair and buck up, boys.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

Ryan’s date card arrives: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei”

“OOOOOOO BOY!” he squeals and claps his hands. Somewhere, a fairy is revived and a unicorn jumps over a rainbow.

Back at the date…

5) Ames shares some family photos with Ashley to get her hyped about visiting his hometown. “You are so well-rounded, beautiful and charming,” he tells her. “It would be fantastic for you to meet my family.”

baby genius

6) JP sits down with Ashley. He is sweating profusely and the veins in his forehead are popping. He tells her of the strong feelings he has been having and that he is in fact not as “cool as a cucumber” as she had hoped. Ashley finds his deranged demeanor refreshing and therefore grants him the date rose. Well played, JP.

Ryan and ashley’s date

1) The couple begin their date by crashing a religious ceremony of sorts and Ryan is blown away by the majesty of it all. “People praying with all of their soul really gets me in the romantic mood,” he admits to the camera. I fail to understand that.

2) The pair seek guidance from the matchmaking gods and throw a couple of bricks down. Apparently they landed on the wrong side which isn’t a good sign. As far as Ashley is concerned, this was all she needed to know. Game over, Ryan. The bricks don’t lie.

3) Ashley and Ryan sit down for some lunch. “How do you feel about protecting the environment?” he asks her. “Honestly, I don’t really care, but I’m glad that you do,” she replies. Ryan frowns a little. “Well…don’t you know about water heaters?” he inquires. Ashley starts to cry. “I just…don’t like you Ryan, okay?” For the first time this season, Ryan stops smiling. “You don’t want to meet my family…??” Ashley avoids the question and the two hug it out.

And now, a brief monologue from Ryan:

“I just don’t want to be alone. I want to share this life with someone. [his breath catches in his throat and he looks away from the camera. He gasps for air for a few moments and then turns away, disappearing into the bushes behind him. We hear his muffled curses to the Taiwanese matchmaking gods] Ugh…you’ve got to be kidding me. Geeeeze, man. F***. Oh S***. ”

Somebody get this man an academy award. Breathtaking, heart-wrenching and riveting, all at once. This performance beats out both Jake Pavelka and Jason Mesnick’s balcony cry. Only by a hair, though.

Don't cry. Okay, do. It's kinda funny.

rose ceremony

1) Harrison greets the men and tells them that Ashley will not need a cocktail party to make her decision. As he is explaining this, a bright, golden figure slowly walks across a bridge in the background. What the….is that a Taiwanese phantom? A matchmaking god descending upon earth to have its wrath upon this blasphemous affair?! Nope. That’s awkward Ashley making her way down to the rose ceremony in a gold gown.

2) She finally sends Lucas home. Bout time.

3) Despite having made the absolute right decision, Ashley bursts into tears and tells the camera that she doesn’t know if she’s “cut out for this” and that she thinks she might be “making mistakes”.

….Harrison? Could you come get this girl, please? We need you to set her straight. Thanks.

interview with emily from brad’s season

1) Folks, this was a waste of time. We all saw what happened last season. Brad picked Emily despite the fact that she wasn’t really that into him and she has a bratty kid. None of us were surprised when the two of them broke up but apparently, abc feels as though we are in desperate need of an explanation for their falling out.

2) “Everybody deserves to know what happened,” Emily says. “We aren’t engaged but he will always be a part of my life.”

2)….Yeah, so….what happened? Where’s the scandal? I guess it’s the thought that counts, abc, because we still don’t know why they broke up. And do we even care at this point?? I’d venture to proclaim a resounding NO.

Until next week,
V

The Bachelorette resumes

Don’t worry friends, the Bachelorette is back tonight. I’ll venture to say that our week-long hiatus from America’s best reality show was a much needed break for all of us. Between the scandal surrounding Ashley’s premature claim to be love-struck by Bentley and numerous emotional breakdowns on the part of both the bachelorette and her men, I was getting a little worn out.

Now, I’m refreshed and more ready than ever to watch the drama unfold. There are six men left: Ames, JP, Ryan, Ben, Constantine (wth?) and Luke.

 What have we to look forward to tonight?  I wonder….

Will Ashley and Ben form a stronger bond and deeper connections? Let’s hope. Will JP continue to be the perfect example of what a man should be? Absolutely.
Will Ames have the ability to recite the species and genus of any creature that is encountered by the group for the rest of this exotic journey in Asia? Most likely.
Will Luke give Ash another golf lesson aka will Ashley back that thang up on him without his request? Crossing fingers.
Will Ashley cry again? Without a doubt.
Will Harrison be perfect? Always.

Ben and JP mean mug a timid Ashley during the customary rose ceremony huddle.

 Whatever happens, I hope that terrified expression from the end of the last episode is wiped off that woman’s face. It’s time to fall in love and stop angering your suitors. Get it together and get your head in the game, Ash. Cheers to the drama.

-V

Moving forward (for the hundredth time)

For the past few episodes, Ashley has made bold claims about “moving forward” in her relationships with all of the men. As far as I can tell, the opposite seems to be happening. In fact, after last night’s shenanigans, many of the men seem to now hate her. Between Lucas cursing her name in a southern drawl and Blake smirking over a glass of hard liquor, Ashley was having a really rough time “moving forward”. Oh, well. At least JP and Ben love her; they are the only two that really matter anyway.

The bachelorette is awaiting her men in Hong Kong in this episode. She stands on a busy street as the cars and people rush around her. She’d like to enjoy this beautiful city, but her soul is in turmoil.

“Part of my heart is still with Bentley in the U.S.”

Did anybody else just scream, rip their hair out and/or contemplate setting fire to their television set?

Meanwhile, Harrison is welcoming the men to Hong Kong. He points them in the direction of the hotel where they will be staying and whisks off to pay Ashley a visit. Once they are seated in her hotel room, Harrison looks her square in the eye and lays down a few facts.

“Listen. You have eight outstanding men here and there are some great relationships developing. My biggest fear for you is that in the end, a guy is going to be getting on his knee and you’ll be thinking about Satan, uh, I mean, Bentley. As idiotic as it may be for you to think that you ‘love’ him, I’ve brought him here to talk to you. He’s in the hotel right now.”

Ashley’s face is frozen with fear/surprise. “SHUT UP. No. Shut u – are you SERIOUS.” She clutches her heart and begins to cry. “Is this a joke?! Is this one big lie? You aren’t serious right now, no. No. No.”

You’re right, Ashley. He’s not serious. You thought you were on the Bachelorette, but this is actually an episode of Punk’d. I’m sure Harrison was just looking for an excuse to sit through another one of your emotional break downs because they’re a blast and a half.

Harrison just stares and lets her get it all out before calmly addressing her. “Clearly, your crazed and more than slightly disturbing obsession with Bentley has caused you to forget that I am the perfect man. I’m not here to mess with you, Ashley.”

He jots down Bentley’s room number and slides it over to Ashley, giving her a long, fatherly glare. “Don’t make me regret this. If you don’t get over him immediately after this, I’m quitting.” With that, he leaves her to wander down to Bentley’s room. Ashley arrives at Bentley’s door and knocks. Approximately 15 hours pass. Ashley’s heart is palpitating and she can hardly stand still. She knocks again, this time pressing her lips against the door in mute agony. Another hour passes and then, a muffled, “Who is it?” from within and the door swings open.

There he is. In all of his two-timin’, slime-ballin’ glory. He gives her a smile and she clutches to him, stealing a desperate kiss. Gross.

"Uh oh, my lip gloss is poppin all up on yo mouth. Let me get that, boo"

They have a seat in his room and begin to chat.

B: “I thought about calling but Harrison offered a free trip to Hong Kong so I was like, duh, I’ll be there.”

A: “How’s Cozy?”

B: “Who? Oh, yeah, she’s alright.”

A: “It was so hard when you left, I thought you were the one.”

B: “Yeah girl, me too. Come live with me if it doesn’t work out with JP, okay?”

A: “That’s not fair, you can’t leave it open-ended. I thought you came into my life so we could fall in love.”

B: “I think you know where I’m at, you know where I’m coming from, right. I think you’re here for a purpose.” (note: this makes no sense)

A: (In a sudden twist, her emotions turn to rage) “WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT ME AS A HUMAN BEING?! Did you come here to hurt me? Well, mission EFFING accomplished! I’m holding onto a dot dot dot when you should have left with a period. UGH, why is it so HOT IN THIS ROOM!!!”

Ashley storms out of the room. She is livid when she speaks to the camera: “He disrespected me to the core. If you are watching this Bentley, F*** YOU!” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, people.

While Ashley simmers down, the other men are in their  hotel room, reading the first date card: “Lucas, let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Ashley”

lucas & ashley’s date

1) An outright display of rage and dramatics is a tough act to follow, and Lucas’ date struggles from the get-go. The pair walk along a few streets, watch some dragons dance, and it’s super boring.

2) Things start to get a little more interesting when they hop onto a boat. “Do you think I’m the type of girl you would date?” asks Ashley. “Absolutely not, I’m just here for a sweet boat ride,” says Lucas. They both chuckle. Way to avoid the question, you sly dog.

3) Lucas opens up and tells Ashley about the love of his life and the moment he realized that she was a fugly slut and decided he didn’t want her anymore. “I mean…you don’t have to talk about this…” says Ashley.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

The group date card arrives: “Let’s get our hearts racing”

Everyone is called on the date except for JP. BOOM.

group date

1) Ashley greets the men on a beach and informs them that they will be dragon boat racing. They are split up into teams of two and are ordered to walk around and recruit a few locals who can help them row the boats.

2) Team Ryan and Blake immediately locate a local named Domino and have him translate for them.

3) Ames strikes gold when he finds a real-life dragon boat racer. The athlete gets on his iphone and texts all of his team members.

4) Ben and Constantine find zero recruits, but they aren’t worried. They shimmy into red silk robes and hop into their dragon boats.

5) Naturally, the dedication that it takes to be a true scholar is the same that is needed to win a dragon boat race, so Ames comes out the victor. He and Mickey are awarded a trophy and everybody rests on the beach and squints out onto the horizon, searching for Ben and Constantine, who are still lost out on the deep blue sea.

6) At the after party, Ames takes Ashley by the  hand and leads her into an elevator. After his boat racing victory, he’s kicked back a few drinks and loosened his tie. Put him in, coach, he’s ready to get off the bench and play the game. He grabs Ashley and starts to kiss her. We’re all on the same page as Ashley when she exclaims, “Wooaah Ames, where did that come from?!” Who knew this nerd was such a sensual beast?

Meanwhile, back at the hotel….

The date card arrives for JP: “Let’s take a peek into our future”

Oh, no. Is there a Hong Kong version of Vegas? Run, JP. Run.

Back at the date….

7) Ben is looking dapper in a yellow sweater. He kisses Ashley and then tells the camera that he’s decided he’s falling in love with her. NO, Ben. Save yourself for me.  

8. Ryan and Ashley sit down for a chat. Mid-sentence he grabs her hand and kisses it. She stares at him. “Sorry, I just felt that,” he says. Yikes. “I would love for you to meet my family,” he says. Then he playfully sticks his tongue out. I wish I were lying.

To the amazement and surprise of every viewer, Ashley runs off to fetch the rose and bestows it upon Ryan. His reaction? “SHUSH!!” Come on, girl. You can’t be serious.

Could you love this face?

Ashley & jp’s date

1) “She makes me feel alive,” JP tells the camera. The couple sit down to a steak dinner and pour themselves shots of sake. JP tells Ashley that he can see himself getting down on a knee in the near future.

2) Ashley begins to clutch her heart, as usual, and sweats a little. “What’s wrong?!” JP wonders. “I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s really hard,” says Ashley. “Basically, I was in love with Bentley a day ago.”

JP takes this news rather well. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he’s really disinterested by Bentley (which is refreshing, to say the least) so he just shrugs it off and thanks Ashley for being honest with him.

What a man.

3) After dinner, they hop onto the Hogwarts Express and watch the scenery rush by. JP gets behind her and kisses her neck. Is anybody else going weak at the knees? Oh, wow.

4) Their next stop is a rooftop where they dance to unidentifiable instrumentals and JP tenderly kisses her. Okay, I’ll give it to him. JP is perfect.

Cocktail party // rose ceremony

1) Ashley looks much like Tinker Bell in a sparkly mini dress with her hair pulled back in a top knot. Watch out though – under certain lighting, all of the men and America’s viewers alike get a full view of her thong and butt cheeks. That dress is a taaaaad see through, dear girl.

2) Sadly, displaying her toned tush does not get her out of trouble with the men when she explains to all of them that she had Bentley flown in because she thought she was in love with him mere hours ago.

For a minute, the men are silent. They shoot each other looks to confirm that they are all on the same page. Lucas gives Constantine the nod that he should begin the attack.

An enraged Blake gives Ashley a murderous look and awaits his turn to attack.

Constantine: “Everything that you’ve told us is a lie. You said that the past was behind you, but that’s clearly contradictory because you brought that idiot back here.”

Lucas: “Beezy move, Ash. Why didn’t you get this ‘closure’ earlier? We’re putting a lot on the line to be here, this is a joke!”

Blake: (snickers) “You claim you had such a strong connection in such a short amount of time. Well, it must have felt good to see him again, huh.” (rolls his eyes and kicks back the last of his drink)

Ashley excuses herself to go cry it out. I can’t say I entirely disagree with the men, but it is sad to see little Tink cry.

3) The men continue to bash her behind her back. JP sticks up for her. Ryan goes to comfort her. Constantine becomes the leader of the rally against her:  “Men. We have been wasting away in hospitals with concussions (Ames shuffles his feet and looks away). We have traveled over oceans for her. We have trained in ancient martial arts. Only to waste our time!”

“YEAH!” the men roar.

Woah woah woah….where are the swords and spears? This conversation is on the brink of becoming a medieval riot.

4) Ashley talks to Ames. She asks him how he felt about her Bentley speech. He strokes his chin and answers, “I suppose we would prefer our fairy tales to be simple. But life isn’t as simple as we would hope. In fact, that’s why it’s beautiful.” Can we get this guy a robe and call him pope? A crown and dub him king? A wizard hat and name him Dumbledore? Hell, a cape and call him batman?! What a hero. What a wise sage.

5) Meanwhile, Lucas looks like this.

6) Blake pulls Ashley aside for a chat. He basically says the worst things he can think of while making terribly sassy facial expressions and drinking scotch. She cries again.

7) Mickey sits down with Ash and gives her the stank eye. “I honestly feel lied to,” he says. “Why am I even here anymore? You need to send me home.” Ashley promptly obliges and Mickey rides off in a boat.

8. Once again, Harrison has to sweep in and save Ashley’s sanity.

Ashley: This is so hard.

Harrison: (stares and blinks for a few seconds) “Well, this path is different for every person, and for you it’s just not easy for obvious reasons. Look at your choices. You basically just told all of the men that you fell in love with the closest thing to Satan walking this earth. Can you understand how playing second fiddle to the definition of evil would kill a man’s pride? Yeah, thought so. Now get out there and get rid of Blake, we both know he’s not for  you.”

9) Ashley heads out to the rose ceremony and looks over her men. Ames is an obvious choice for a rose. In addition to surprising us with his impressive demeanor, he’s dressed to the nines in white slacks and a navy blazer with a red tie. That’s right, Ames. You can rock the nautical look from the waist down and the politician look on top. You’re both leisure and business – a renaissance man.

10) Blake peaces out but oh, don’t worry, folks. We haven’t seen the last of him. Blake will be starring in the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad.

Next stop: Taiwan.

-V

Attention All Gamers : You too can find love

Gaming has been taken to a whole new level. No longer is the wii designed solely to help you stay fit or to play family friendly games with the kids. Consumers can now practice their love skills using the latest in gaming technology. 

Introducing: The Bachelor the video game. 

How much do you want to bet that those are Harrison's lips on the cover of that game? Don't toy with my emotions, Wii!

That’s right. You can now mack on virtual people with a simple click of the wii remote. Like the actual show, this game is hosted by our very own, Chris Harrison. An avatar of Jason Mesnick, along with other previous contestants, are featured in the game. I would say that I hope 8-pack Kiptyn has an avatar in the game but…let’s be honest. No virtual version of Kip could properly do him justice. Better leave well enough alone. 

Players compete in games to win “alone time” with the Bachelor/ette.

Avatar Jason explaining to a contestant that the only constant loves in his life have been his son and his heaving pectorals.

Question…Once a player gets their alone time, what happens? Do the avatars make out in true Bachelor/ette form? Do they have awkward conversation? Do they get completely wasted off of champagne? Do they get super steamy in the hot tub? I mean…if you’re going to make a game, you might as well make it realistic. 

A gaunt-looking avatar of Jason Mesnick. Pretty sure he has more abs than that. But it's whatev.

We need to discuss this, friends. When I saw an ad for this game, I was flooded with emotions. My first thought: Are you serious?! My second thought: This is a hot mess. My third thought: Why do I kinda want to play it?? 

Honestly, if I ever played this game I would be 

a) Depressed that I’m not hot enough / don’t have the abs to be on the actual show. 

b) Depressed that instead of being on a real date, I was wielding my seductive powers as an avatar, of all things, on a wii game. 

c) Depressed that 8-pack Kiptyn will never love me. 

Question… Does anybody else keep thinking of the mystical Navi every time the little people in this game are being referred to as “Avatars”? 

This is the entertainment of 2010, America. Games aren’t just for sport anymore…they’re for building life skills. Like, how to improvise a song on the spot during a one-on-one date. Or, how to act surprised every time you fly in a helicopter. Or, how to wear a bikini that will perfectly display your fairy tattoo at all times. Important stuff. 

You can buy the game on Amazon.com now for the low fee of $30. So what are you waiting for?! Virtual love awaits! 

-V

Skeet Wins

Before I begin, I would just like to let all of you know that I’m okay. If you had told me a week ago that skeet skeet went on to win the bachelorette, I would have been outraged. Today, I am prepared to write my commentary strangely content. Not so content that the shorts won’t continue to haunt my dreams for years to come, but content nonetheless. With that said, let’s get it started.

As the show starts up, I can’t help thinking to myself that I would love to see Ed get drunk at least one more time before the show is out. I honestly think that our Harrison(yes. he belongs to us. the women of America.)should  release a bonus dvd of all of the behind the scenes shenanigans. Let’s be real, that dvd would probably be far more entertaining than the entire season.

Like the last post, I will make a list of the most memorable moments – this time though, I’ll make a list for each section of the show.

Ed Meets the Parents

1. Jillian says “I’m proud of myself for getting this far with Ed. The psychological damage from not getting down and dirty with him has really messed with my head”. Trust me sister, it’s messed with his too. His manhood suffers. 

2. Ed sports a button up shirt with a seriously plunging neckline. Man fur, people. That’s all I could think about. Dark, wild, man fur. Creepin’ up the neck.

3. Ed first meets the parents – Grandma kisses him on the lips.

4. Momma is a tad too hefty to get off of the couch to hug Eddie. Resulting in an awkward hug. Ed’s super tall, so it was unfortunate watching him have to bend so far over to hug momma.

5. Ed tells the camera that he is now a “different Ed”. Okay. So, there’s the Ed that left Jill…and then there’s the skeet skeet Ed we see before us today. Personally, I liked the original Ed better, just sayin.

6. We witness a wide shot of Jill’s mango mango feet during her convo with Momma. Somewhere, Tanner fainted.

7. Ed and Dad get down on the dance floor together. In grass skirts. And coconut bras. Looks like the ABC producer had a little extra time to choreograph some booty dancing for the happy family.

Kiptyn Meets the Parents

1. In the words of Ronald Weasley: “Bloody Hell! There’s a right lot of snogging in this show!”

2. Kiptyn looks incredible. Absolutely sensual in that plaid shirt.

3. On talking about the parents (the 2 seconds of talking in between makeouts), Jillian says, “They’ll probably grill you a little bit. But not as much as they grilled Ed, because you are much more beautiful.”

4. Kiptyn drops the ball with Dad by not saying that he’s in love with Jillian. Frankly, if I were Kip, I wouldn’t be in love with her either. I’d be in love with myself.

5. Jill’s mom and cousin like Kiptyn better. Jillian tells her cousin that in the fantasy suite, she wanted to “rip his clothes off”. Sadly, Ed’s balloon pants are not getting ripped off in Jillian’s imagination.

Ed’s Last Date

1. We observe that Ed has switched up his jazzercise tank look a bit, by throwing an open button-up shirt over it. I wish I could report that this helped things, but it did not. I knew what was lurking beneath that button up. Oh I knew.

2. Helicopter RIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!!!! Oh my goodness, how special and unique! But wait! MOLTEN LAVAAAAA!

3. Ed tells Jillian that it is tough for him to show his affection. While he rubs his hot little hands all over her face. Really, skeet skeet? Is it really hard for you to show affection? hmm.

4. Ed tells Jillian that she could be one of his “best guy friends“. Ladies, I don’t think I need to say more.

5. SKEET SKEET ED comes back in full force! Ed and Jilly go for a little swim and the camera man gets some good close-up shots of the shorts. And of the shapely legs, of course.

6. Ed and Jill try to make out in the water, but Ed starts to drown. I know the feeling, skeet. I know the feeling.

Ed in the Bedroom – Redemption

1. Ed gets the night started off right by getting rid of the shorts and whispering “I love you”.

2. The fantasy suite light goes off, and somewhere on the romantic island, a volcano erupts. OH SNAP! All I’m sayin’ is, if the eruption was that strong, I sure hope there was contraception involved. (Just trying to keep it real people).

Kiptyn’s Last Date

1. Kiptyn has…count it…AN 8 PACK. mmm mm mmm! Yes, please!

2. Kiptyn awkwardly tries to paddle away from the shore on a surfboard. That proves to be extremely difficult with little Jilly clinging to him like a barnacle.

3. At this point, I’m thinkin Kippy’s got this. No competish. I mean…he has an 8 pack. Now that’s dedication to being sexy if I ever saw it.

Decision Day

1. Jillian writes in her…diary?? And receives some love notes? What is that all about? Sadly, our Harrison doesn’t explain.

2. Kiptyn shakes off the nerves by going on a sexy run. Of course. His 8 pack heaves with every breath he takes. Beauty.

3. Ed, clearly figuring that there’s no way he can one-up Kip in the physique department (besides having better legs, of course), lounges on his deck wearing his lion t-shirt.

4. After picking out his ring of choice, Ed sits on a tree branch by the ocean and…cries.

5. We see the trio each getting dressed in their rooms:

* Kip walks out of the shower in a skimpy towel that I deeply approved of. Seriously, he’s the only person on this show who I think should be allowed to be skanky. Kip, keep up the good work.

* Ed gets ready in his baggy butt blue boxer briefs. Spare us, ABC. Were the green shorts not enough??!!

* Jillian is putting on a…WEDDING DRESS???!!! Oh no she di’int!

FINALLY

1. A stylish foot emergest from the limo. Will it be Reid…??!! No. It’s Kip. And let me tell you, he broke my heart with those tears in his eyes on the limo ride of shame. It was hard to watch his tight little tush walk away. Even harder to realize that it is quite possible that I will never see that 8 pack again.

2. Ed’s limo is intercepted. My boy Reid rolls up in a taxi van. Yes, you read right. A taxi van. Sweat rolls down his brow as he tells Jillian “I love you THIS much!” and stretches his arms wide. Jillian, who thought she loved a long legged beauty in green shorts, is now forced to reconsider where her passions lie. THIS MOMENT DRAGS ON foreverrrrr. Our Harrison finally comes in and sets Jill straight.  Then she rejects Reid, and although I’m sad, I’m glad the moment is over.

3. Jillian waits for Ed to show up. She puts her hands on her wedding-dress clad hips and darkly mutters “He better not F’n disappoint me”. WHOA lassy. settle down now. True love awaits.

3. SKEET SKEET WINS. I am sad to report that he did not rip off his suit pants to reveal the shorts. But he did give her an adorable piggy back ride. And they did look pretty happy.

And so, this is how it ends. Let’s place some bets now on how long this one will last. “After the Final Rose” show tonight…it might take me a while to get a  post up on that one, but we’ll see. It’s been fun!

V