Dancing. We all love to do it. Even those of us who “can’t dance”/refuse to dance can’t deny that when they feel a funky beat, they can’t stop their feet from tapping. My roomies and I recently hosted a dance party at our home, and the subject of dancing got me to thinking about an excellent blog post that will (hopefully) enrich the lives of many: Dancing etiquette.
You may be thinking: “?? There are no rules to dancing!” And I agree with the free-spirited mentality that no bounds can be broken while getting your groove on. However, it is a mistake to say that dancing should have no rules.
How many of us have been clubbing?? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about….in the secrecy of a dingy and dark club some things go down that should never happen. People get psychologically scarred. This is no joke, folks. The idea of clubbing is fabulous…young women get dressed up and crowd around each other on the dance floor to shimmy with “their girls”…it’s all fun and games, right?
It is at that moment when you’re surrounded by your friends, laughing and singing, that you feel a sweaty, slippery hand ease its way down your arm. At first, you dismiss it, assuming that among the crowd of tightly packed bodies, someone has innocently brushed against you. But that gnarly hand is persistent. It gropes at your fingers, twisting its fingers into yours.
This hand is your worst nightmare. It’s veiny. It’s red. It’s attached to a hairy arm which is attached to a sweaty, sticky shoulder, which is attached to a beet red face containing the hungriest eyes you’ve ever seen. This hand belongs to the predator.
Suddenly, that hand is downright prying yours, and you start to feel yourself being pulled away from your circle of friends.
You frantically glance to the left and right, to see if anyone notices, but everyone’s having such a good time…nobody even sees you being pulled into the darkness. Suddenly the pulsing beats of the music are drowned out by the hammering of your frantic heart. The predator is behind you, you can’t see his face…but you can feel his hot breath coursing down your neck. You have the urge to vom.
He’s holding you, everywhere at once. He must have a million hands. He’s gettin down to that music with you and you are powerless to stop him. He’ s strong! His veiny hands move you around like a puppet. He’s sweating on you. It seems as though ages pass, as your body moves in unison with his to the endless music. Maybe you should kick him in the nuts?? But you don’t want a scene…maybe you should scream?? But who would hear you.
It begins to dawn on you that perhaps this man has no idea that what he is doing is wrong. To him, creeping on girls at the club is just what’s supposed to happen. This is why I have decided that men need direction…and girls need some tips…when it comes to dancing at the club.
For the Men: Dancing Etiquette:
1. Walking up behind a girl and immediately grinding on her and pushing your man-business up against her is NOT OKAY. May I repeat that?! Don’t squish your nasty nasty against a woman’s booty uninvited!
2. Dont’ stalk a group of girls from the shadows and follow them around the dance floor – we can see you! You are not being discreet!
3. Try to keep it classy, fellas. If you want to dance with a girl, try asking her. I know, it feels old fashioned and lame, but I would rather have someone ask me than just feel someone caressing my body with a slimy hand. Super gross.
4. Overpowering the woman with your strength does not mean yes! She is not accepting your invitation to dance just because her body seems to be dancing…she infact only seems to be dancing because you are throwing her around like a rag doll.
5. Make eye contact. Don’t keep your face behind her. I know, guys…your self-concious. You came to the club because in its murky shadows is the only place you can get some play. But you still need to let her see you. If her eyes are bulging and wildly glancing toward safety, she doesn’t want to dance.
6. Never touch the boobs. NEVER.
For the Women: Survival Skills
1. There is strength in numbers. Stay together. Keep the dancing tight…don’t allow for a ton of gaps in which a creep can slither in and attack one of your friends.
2. BE AWARE. Keep your eye out for your girls. If suddenly one of your friends disappears into the wall of bodies around you, figure out where she went. My God, don’t just let her stay missing.
3. I cringe to say this, but it’s inevitable so I might as well address it: Yes, take a few pictures for facebook of her and the creep. It might make for hilarious times later. But for goodness sake, snap a few and then rescue her!!!!
4. Try not to hurt anybody’s feelings. Like I said, some of these creepers dont’ realize how creepy they are. Instead of busting out your defense moves and seriously maiming his ability to have children in later life, try to tell him in his ear that you don’t want to dance.
5. Absolutely do not take that mild of an approach if he is clearly trying to rape you on the dance floor and doesn’t care whether you like it or not. In this case, a swift kick in the balls sounds juuust about right.
On a different note… Keep it classy girls. Don’t grind up on every man on the dance floor. Maybe the club is the only place you get play too…but hey, I’m just sayin…don’t go to the club to find a man. Go to have fun with the girls/be with your boyfriend if you have one.
Now go, friends. Go with this new knowledge and become a better person for it. That is all.
-V
p.s.
a picture of my own experience...note the sheer terror on my face...a muted scream parting my lips. note the red and swollen hand that gropes me.
Two Women. One Blog. Lots of Junk. 