JP Wins

He may be bald and he may lack distinct eyebrows, but he stole our bachelorette’s heart. Alright, I’ll give JP more credit… he actually is a pretty good looking guy. And apparently his kisses are like heaven, so who can blame a girl? But I’ll admit, I do blame her a little for relentlessly stringing my boy Ben along. Reality show or no, that was just dirty. Did you hear his tearful camera confessional?! About how he lost part of his family and can’t wait for a new addition? Talk about rough.

Feelin' miiiighty smug

I could rant more about how Ben is the man of my dreams and how I would totally choose him if I were the bachelorette, despite his awkward hair/behavior at times…but then we wouldn’t get to the juicy parts of this recap. From a tatted up beezy sister to steamy final dates, this finale offers more than a little to discuss. Let’s begin, shall we?

 

JP’s family time

1) We are introduced to Ashley’s mom, dad, brother and sister. They are an interesting looking crew, to say the least. Ashley’s sister looks like a Tim Burton character/a hotter version of Amy Winehouse (too soon to make a reference? I felt iffy about it) and her brother appears to have no idea what this show is all about. He’s just here for a free vacation and a sweet new shell necklace.

2) Ashley sits down with the family and sis wastes no time in diving right into the heavy stuff. “Are you in love?” she asks Ashley. Ash replies with a timid yes. “I don’t believe you. You think you’re ready to be engaged? Yikes, I doubt that, sis. I really do. When I see these guys for myself I’ll be able to make the decision for you.”

3) JP joins the fam and they all sit down for a bite to eat. Mom immediately makes a toast and welcomes him into the family and she’s literally known him for five minutes. The camera pans across the faces around the table:

Ashley – laughing
JP – smiling at Ashley
Brother – playing with shell necklace
Mom – kicking back glass of wine #2
Stepdad – staring into space and smiling
Sister – death stare at JP / possibly muttering wiccan curses

4) Sister decides to break the light hearted mood because she’s had about enough of that. “So, JP, I know my mom just welcomed you into the family (rolls eyes) but I haven’t yet. So, why don’t you wipe that grin off your face and get ready to be shut down on national television. Ashley, does he make you laugh?”

Ash is so caught off guard by her sister’s abrasive demeanor that it takes her a few seconds to process the question. Sis takes that as a red flag and flashes a look at the family. “I uh…make myself laugh I guess…?” says Ash. JP gives her the death stare. “Wrong answer, love muffin. Try again,” he says.

….well that was uncomfortable.

5) Later, Mom and sis sit down with Ashley for a chat:

Sis: I don’t think he’s right for you. He doesn’t make you laugh, Ashley. Do you want an entire lifetime of no laughing?! That would be the worst. Plus he’s super ancient. You have too much energy for him; he would legitimately need a pacemaker after a year of being married to you.

Ashley: (Immediately bursts into tears) I thought you would like him! You don’t even know him, how could you say this?!

Sis: Listen trick, you get too wrapped up in your emotions. Look at me, Ashley. Look at me. Do you see this (gestures toward arms and body in general)?! Do you seriously want to defy me right now? My geisha tattoo will jump off of my arm and slice you with her flower patterned fan.

6) Ashley goes to cry it out and complain about how rude her sister is to her brother. He stares and mumbles a few things but he’s really just pissed that she’s cutting into his beach time. One rarely gets the opportunity to live it up in Fiji. Can’t blame him.

7) JP and sis sit down for a chat. True to her nature, she wastes no time in beginning the attack. “Listen PJ….oh, it’s JP? Whatever. I don’t see you two together. How old are you? Yeahhhh, too old. So just leave my sister alone, okay?”

JP’s face goes red. “But…there’s a lot to our relationship that you don’t realize,” he says.

"What part of 'you suck' and 'i hate you' are you not getting?"

“Alright, well I guess I’m not being frank enough,” says sis. ” You’re way old, okay? I’m wondering, why hasn’t this guy found anyone yet?! And I’m thinking to myself, what does this sicko creep want with my baby sister? Do you want to make her your sex slave? Do you want to take weird pictures of her and put them on the internet? Do you have some creepy fetish for young women? I don’t know, PJ, you tell me.”

JP tries to convince sis that he’s not a creeper but she’s not having it.

“Okay, let me shut you down some more, because you clearly aren’t getting it. I obviously need to insult you further to make you feel as worthless as possible. I may have only watched you for 15 minutes, but I saw no connection. I saw more of a connection with Brad, okay? Are you enjoying being sloppy second to that guy?! You disgust me.”

JP is exasperated, but he doesn’t give up: “So…would you be mad if I proposed to her?” Come on, JP. That goes without saying at this point.

8. After the great bachelor beat down of 2011, JP goes off to the beach to lick his wounds. Ashley joins him and admits that her sister’s opinion is very important to her. She makes him feel worse about the whole situation, and then he leaves.

9) Ashley sits down with her sister to figure out what she did to break JP’s spirit. The little engine that could, who triumphed in the boxing rings of Japan against all odds, is nowhere in sight.

Ash: You made him feel like a failure! He felt like there was nothing he could say to change your mind.

Sis: (face full of attitude) That’s cuz there wasn’t.

Ash: You are being such a B****! And I feel like I’m a freaking prisoner in Azkaban over here! I’m so alone right now and you are not being a good sister.

*Note: This show rips families apart.

10) Sister decides to go complain to mom. “She was completely in love with some fraud a few weeks ago! Mom, this girl is crazy and we both know it.” Alright, she makes a good point there. Ashley’s infatuation with he-who-must-not-be-named was both unhealthy and concerning.

ben’s family time

1) Ashley greets Ben and immediately warns him that her sister might shut him down like a stone cold beezy. He doesn’t seem too worried.

2) After chatting for a while, Ben and Ashley stand up and perform their “talking-to-the-dog” voices for the family. Sis is loving the entertainment, but I’m not. Ashley’s doggie voice makes my ears bleed.

3) Sis takes Ben aside to chat him up. The 50’s pin up girl on her shoulder gives him the old up and down. Approval on behalf of both sister and her tats, it seems. Apparently, Ben and sis are on a nickname basis. “Oh, Bennyboo!” says sis, “I can tell my sister likes you a lot.”

…who is this woman?! Is this the same queen of death that roasted JP alive and then ate his smile for dinner?

4) “Your sister and I are best friends,” Ben explains. “that’s why I’m in love with her. It’s perfect.”

5) Ben and Ashley take a walk along the beach after family time and Ben expresses his complete confidence in their relationship. They make out and she grabs his entire right butt cheek as he walks away. Down, girl.

Ben & Ashley’s final date

1) “On this date, we are gonna get down and dirty,” Ash says wickedly. Surprised she didn’t growl.

2) She leads him to a mud bath and they strip down to their swim wear and jump in. As seen on their previous date, these two enjoy rubbing each other’s bodies down, so we aren’t surprised in the least to see that they immediately begin rubbing mud in every nook and cranny of the other’s  anatomy. At one point, Ash even lifts the tiny triangle of her swim suit to expose and rub mud on her little pectoral muscle. Inappropriate behavior, to say the least.

Ashley leading Ben on mercilessly.

3) Later, at the hotel, Ben tells Ashley that he asked her family’s permission to marry her and tells her that he loves her. She responds by pulling him on top of her and wrapping her legs around him for some hot and heavy kissing.

 

jp & Ashley’s Final date

1) Um…did Ashley’s boobs grow three cup sizes between now and yesterday? It seems as though Ashley busted out the push up bikini top for this date. We should have known right then and there that JP would win. Ash went through the trouble of pushing her pecs to new heights.

2) Ashley and JP begin a heated discussion:

JP: I think we are a perfect fit.

Ash:  Uh…really? Because I don’t know what you mean. I want to be in a dynamic relationship with someone who likes to talk in demonic voices to their pets.

JP: Well, maybe I don’t do stupid things like that, but I’m right for you, trust me.

3) Ashley takes his word for it and they stroll down the beach. Naturally, they pause in the ankle high waves and make out. JP rips off her sarong.

4) Later, in the hotel room, JP pulls out a basket that holds a photo album he created of their memories together. He wrote a precious letter on the inside of the book and she reads it out loud. Well played, sir.

Final rose ceremony

1) Ashley wakes up for the big day, slips into a silk robe and journals for a bit. Then she goes for a walk along the beach and reflects over the decision she has made. “I just really hope the one I choose feels the same way about me,” her voice over says. Um, are you serious? Both of them confessed being in love with you mere hours ago. I honestly think sometimes this girl just says things to hear herself talk.

2) Ashley puts on what I believe is an unfortunate choice of gown for the big moment and heads out to stand on a platform in front of the ocean. She watches the planes circle over head and prepares for the proposals to come.

Suddenly, the brush near the platform ruffles, and a man’s foot emerges, followed by a well-toned leg. The camera pans up and there stands Bentley, liberated from his hiding spot. Just when we think things can’t get any crazier, he reaches behind him and pulls an adorable blonde girl from out of the bushes. “Marry me, Ashley, and be Cozy’s new mother,” he says.

Haha, jk. That didn’t happen. But what if it did? Biggest upset in Bachelorette history.

3) The first plane touches down and Ben emerges. A sexy-as-always Harrison escorts Ben down the long walk to his doom. He walks up to Ashley and her face has “I’m about to ruin your life” written all over it, but for some reason, he doesn’t detect it. She starts to say something, but he stops her. “Don’t speak. I have something to say: I’m obsessed and in love with you.” He gets down on a knee and proposes.

crickets.

Ashley looks like she’s about to throw up. She says no. Ben walks away. “WAIT!” Ashley cries and runs after him. “I don’t want this to end on bad terms!” Ben is pissed. “Good things don’t end unless badly, stupid girl. JP’s a great guy hope you have a nice life together.” And then he’s outy like last year.

4) Ashley bounces back from that drama pretty quickly and gives JP’s plane a boisterous wave as it flies overhead.

5) JP has a perfect speech prepared. Part of it goes something like this: “You always say I smile all the time and that it will give me wrinkles when I’m older. But it’s because you make me smile.”

Am I the only one thinking that now would be a great time for JP to bust out an acapella rendition of “U Smile” by Justin Bieber? Your bad, JP.

6) Welp, Ben didn’t win, but the ring that JP picked out took my breath away. Who cares about the guy when the rock looks like that?!

BOOM.

after the final rose

I won’t go into too much detail about this, mostly because I’m exhausted after writing that recap, but I do have a few general comments/critiques/concerns to make:

1) It’s unfortunate that Ben chose to flat iron his hair and part it down the center for this event. So very unfortunate.

What's happening, Ben? I know you're heartbroken, but that's no reason to let yourself go.

2) While we’re on the subject of hair, I was also concerned about Ashley’s decision to dye hers purplish black.

3) Ben’s first comment to Ashley is: “Nice ring.” Yikes, bitter much?

4) The past few months since the end of the show haven’t changed Ashley a bit. She’s still saying ridiculous things. For example: “[toBen] Hopefully we’ll always have a friendship” Ash….that’s not how these things work.

5) The final rose show is interrupted by some ridiculous promo for a new show in which two brothers try to hide a briefcase from private investigators and are instructed  by a cheap Tom Cruise impersonator. Thanks but no thanks, abc.

6) Big sis comes onstage and redeems her beezy self and even goes so far as to say “shame on me!” which is greeted by thunderous applause by the studio audience of housewives.

Ben for the next Bachelor? Ashley’s sister for the next Bachelorette? Please?

Until next season….or until Bachelor Pad (which is going to be awesome) if I decide to blog about it. Thanks for reading this season!

Totes in love...for the moment. Who else is taking bets on how long it will last??

-V

The Men Tell All

I just have one thing to say about last night’s Men Tell All show: Ryan better not be the next bachelor. Seriously, abc. For real. The man prepared for this season by reading books about how to fall in love. As if that weren’t enough, he made “extensive notes” about it. Then he scribbled away in his journal with what I imagine to be an elvin-like glee. He probably giggled incessantly while doing all of the above. I can’t handle a whole season of that insanity, I just can’t. If Ryan is our next bachelor, I’m done with this show.

Who am I kidding, I’ll still watch. But I will be severely perturbed to say the least. Cheers to tonight, the moment we have all been waiting for. Who will Ashley choose? A slightly emotional and bald New York native? Or a scraggly-haired yet ridiculously charming wine maker? We find out tonight! Check back for my recap of the finale later this week.

Can't wait to see creepy-lookin jeweler guy Neil Lane again.

-V

Things get steamy

I have to admit I had some serious doubts in Ashley. She’s consistently acted so outrageously throughout the season that I was becoming unsure of her ability to pick a good man when she sees one. But, she has finally narrowed her suitors down to two and I must say, she’s done quite a fine job. I can’t think of any better two than Ben and JP, so, despite the fact that I’ve come close to tearing my clothing and ripping my hair out over her antics, I have to tip my hat to the bachelorette.

Monday’s episode took us to Fiji, which is the ultimate place to fall in love, according to Ashley. I wouldn’t put much stock in that sentence because she said the same thing about every village in Japan, but it does look pretty awesome. As Ashley settles in to her plush new digs, she takes some time to read a quick devotional and write in her journal. I imagine her journal entry says something along the lines of, “Father, I ask forgiveness in advance for the unspeakable things I plan to do to both Ben and JP in the fantasy suite.”

Just after she has shut her journal and moved on to brushing her hair, she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and her eyes go wide “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?”

Commercial Break.

Alright, I had no idea who this person could be. I knew for sure it couldn’t be Bentley, there’s no way Harrison would let that fool on the premises. My only guess was that Mickey (remember him? spiky hair, boring, waste of time?) had regretted his decision to leave and decided to come back for a second chance.

And we’re back. Rewind a few minutes back: A pair of feet are walking down a muddy path. The camera pans up and we see Ryan walking stoically alongside the Fiji wilderness. Wait, what?! Ryan? Ryan. Seriously.

“I feel that there are things unsaid and undiscovered between Ashley and I,” his voiceover says, “We gotta explore it. Maybe she has regretted letting me go…I’ve just got to see her and find out if she loves me.”

Well Ryan, Ashley may be an indecisive wreck, but of this I am certain: She’s never been more sure of a decision in her life. I’m pretty sure you aren’t even a real person. You eat sunshine and poop lollipops, okay? That’s not normal.

He walks up to Ashley’s door and knocks. “Ry!” she screams. “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, I called Harrison to ask if I could come here and he was all like, ‘Hell, I’m down for a good laugh, she’s in Fiji, go for it,’ so here I am! I don’t know if you regretted letting me go, but I want to spend more time with you.”

Oh, Ry. She hasn’t even thought of you for two seconds since you left. She’s been too busy enjoying JP’s magical kisses and stroking Ben’s amazing hair (Note: these are her thoughts, not mine. I’m opposed to Ben’s hair and its weird center part. But the rest of him is hot, so it’s alright.)

Ryan babbles on for half an hour about Lord knows what, probably something to do with water heaters and how he’s so glad he didn’t sign up for the military. After both Ashley and the rest of us think we’re going to pass out from boredom, he pulls out a crinkled piece of paper.

“I’m here for a couple of days so, if you want to spend time together, I’m here. You’ll see that there are a couple boxes on the paper, it’s just a quick survey. Check ‘yes’ if you like me and ‘no’ if you don’t. Thanks for your time.”

Alright, glad that’s over. Now let’s get down to the serious business: dates and fantasy suites.

Ben & ashley’s date

1) Ashley surprises Ben with a yacht. The two jump on and waste no time in exploring each other’s bodies. Ben lays down and Ashley straddles him. She rubs sunscreen all over his chest and neck.

Ashley, get down from there.

Ash: “Are you okay with this?”
Ben: “I’m more than okay with this. We are two steps away from creating an adult film, but I’m into it.”

If I hadn't seen the episode and just saw this picture...I would be concerned.

2) After they are good and lubed up with lotion, they jump into the water for a snorkeling session.

3) Next, they head to dinner and are both so happy that at first all they can do is stare at each other and smile. Kinda presh. Then Ben launches into a speech about how he’s obsessed with her. He admits that he’s fully committed to her, so she chucks the fantasy suite card at him.

4) They drop their forks, high tail it to the suite, strip down to their swim suits and do some foreplay in the infinity pool. Then Ben lifts her out of the water and carries her to the bedroom. This whole date is just way too steamy for my restless heart to handle. Whew.

constantine & ashley’s date

1) Ashley is wearing what appears to be a white handkerchief bunched around her non-existent boobs. Once again I will say: this woman doesn’t own a full shirt.

What is this outfit?!?

2) Ashley surprises Constantine with a helicopter ride. As the two soar through the air, the camera pans down to a lone figure standing on a beach. Give you one guess who that is.

Outrageous behavior

3) Constantine and Ashley enjoy a swim by a waterfall. They make out zero times and share no intimate moments. Then they sit down to a picnic and have a tense conversation. I kind of stop paying attention because there’s no spicy sensual action going on, but I think they might have gotten into a fight. Something about time, investments and houses. Not sure.

4) Later, at dinner, they toast over a glass of wine and Constantine comments that it is very “grapefruit-y” tasting. Then he admits that Ben taught him all about wine tasting. Man crush?

Ash: “Is it weird for you? Being friends with a guy that is dating me too?”

Const: “To be honest, I find Ben extremely attractive and I can’t blame you in the slightest for wanting to jump his bones. I question my own sexuality around the man. He’s suave, knows everything about wine and that hair….Actually, you know what? Go for Ben. I’m not into you at all.”

Constantine peaces out and, instead of taking advantage of the fantasy suite anyway and inviting Ben over for round two, she heads back to her own room and spends the night alone.

Ashley gives Constantine her stank face.

ashley pays ryan a visit

1) Ryan looks like he might pee pixie dust at the sight of Ashley on his doorstep. He invites her to stand on his balcony for a chat.

2) “Ry, you’re one of the best guys I’ve ever met in my life,” says Ash. “If I had a checklist for the perfect man, you fulfilled it. You are exactly what I want, but I don’t want you.” Way to go Ashley, that was only the most confusing way to break up with someone ever.

3) Ryan looks really sad to be rejected twice but he brought it upon himself, so we can’t pity him folks.

jp & ashley’s date

1) Once again, Ashley is wearing an abstract piece of cloth draped over her tiny frame instead of a regular shirt. She greets JP with a sensual make out session.

2) They hop on a plane and it takes them to Namanalalalala island, where JP tells Ashley that he’s ready for the end, when he can be the last one standing. Then they hug it out and he grabs her entire butt with one hand.

3) At dinner Ashley tries to make JP think Bentley came back because she’s a sick and twisted person, but then admits that it was only Ryan who showed up in Fiji. JP holds himself back from snorting in disgust.

4) She hands him the fantasy suite card and he says “Yeah. I’m into that.” I could make an inappropriate joke here, but I won’t. I’m a classy lady.

5) The couple waste no time with foreplay in the infinity pool, they head straight for the bed. Before you can say “Ryan’s a joke”, JP is on top of Ash and they are two seconds away from doing the dirty on national television. Pan away, camera, pan away! I am losing my innocence with every passing second!

rose ceremony

1) As usual, Ash and Harrison sit down for a chat. I’m grateful for this chance to feast my eyes on all of the man that is Harrison, but I’m instantly bored. Ashley repeats some of the typical stuff she says about love and rejection and then she is off to the rose ceremony.

2) She gives the boys some speech about being afraid they won’t accept her rose despite the fact that they both basically proclaimed their love for her and then took her to bed nights before. Spare us the drama, Ash.

3) Of course, they both accept. Note that she called Ben’s name first AND she stared at him the entire time she talked about her family coming to Fiji for the next episode. I’m just sayin.

I know I will meet lots of opposition when I say this, but I’ll say it anyway: BEN FOR THE WIN!

Next week: Ashley calls her sister a beezy and cries. Stay tuned.

-V

p.s. Naked?

#yikes